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Old 04-16-2010, 06:22 PM   #1
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Visit my dad?

So my father was absent for most of my life. He left when I was 6. I remember many times as a child him calling and saying that he was on his way to pick to me up to do something fun and he would just never show. From ages 7-12 I can count on one hand the number of times I seen him. I have always been close with his parents, my grandparents and I spent many weekends there. He knew that I was there but he never bothered to show up there either. When I was 12 my grandmother (his mother) died. I seen him at the funneral. We hugged he told me he loved me and that summer I spent a couple weekends with him. I guess the novelty of being a father wore off and things went back to the way they were. A few years after my grandmothers death my grandfather and father bought a house together about 3 hours from where I live. My grandfather and brother are quite close (brother is also my fathers child - 6 years younger and has had very little contact with our father) and he would spend a few weekends of the year at their place. I was never invited to go. One weekend my brother was going up and I kind of invited myself. I was 17. If I was in a room my father would leave the room. We really didn't speak at all. I never went back. My brother eventually stopped going too for similar reasons.

3 years ago (age 20) I found my dad on a social networking site and I decided to wish him a happy birthday. We started talking online. He again told me he loved me and that he was sorry for the way things turned out. We talk here and there online. A year after we started talking I was planning a trip with my boyfriend. My dad offered to give me money for said trip. He drove down we met in a coffee shop and he gave me $1000.00. It was the first gift he had given me since I was 6. I haven't seen him since but we do talk casually online. He sent my a birthday card with money in it. Last month my cell phone broke and he mailed me a new one.

My grandfathers birthday was in March so I called him to say happy birthday. I haven't seen him in forever so I told him that I would come down for a visit in April as I would be finished with school. He said that would be fine and to call him before I came. I sent my dad a message online (April 3rd) asking if the 18th would be a good time to visit. He said that would be good and that he will make the time. It is now the 16th of April and I haven't heard anything back from him. I kind of feel like he should send me a message asking if I am still coming or make some mention of it. We have not spoke since. I am not sure what to do... I feel like if I message him to confirm that I am the one pressing it and that maybe he really doesn't want me to come. Maybe he forgot? If I really wanted to see someone I wouldn't forget. I never confirmed a date with my grandfather... maybe I should call him and ask him if the 18th is ok? I know this seems kind of silly but it is causing me a lot of anxiety. I am not totally sure that I want to go... It is going to be extremley awkward and it makes me feel kind of vulnerable and stupid. Should I wait for tomorrow? Maybe he will send me a message tomorrow? Should I just forget the whole thing? Maybe neither of them want to see me? I was the one that suggested I visit in the first place... I don't know what to do...

Last edited by d3sire; 04-16-2010 at 06:26 PM.

 
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Old 04-17-2010, 10:09 AM   #2
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Re: Visit my dad?

First of all, my heart breaks for you. i had a friend who went through practically the same exact thing. In the end, she ended things with her father and hasn't spoken to him since. The fact is, he wasn't there to be a responsible dad when you were a child, so please dont expect him to be a responsible adult. As far as the money goes, this is just guilt money. I would not accept it. I would give a call ahead of time to just make sure that the visit is still ok. But I woudl treat it very casual. Other then that, guard your heart. Dont let yourself become an adult victim to a very cruel, self centered, and not available man. He took enough away from you allready, please dont let him take any more.

 
Old 04-17-2010, 11:06 AM   #3
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Re: Visit my dad?

I haven't laid eyes on or spoken to my dad since I was 18. I am now 43. He couldn't be bothered to pay child support when my brother and I were kids, so my mother, who was seriously ill, had to go to work to feed us. I figure, if he couldn't care less if we ate or had somewhere to live when we were kids, I don't care if he eats or has somewhere to live now. It may sound harsh, but you can't expect people who can't be bothered with you to act like others who do care. They just don't have it in them.

I heard a few years ago that my father is living in some low-rent dump which happens to be only about 6 or 7 miles from where I'm now living. I haven't looked him up; in fact, I hope I never run into the loser because I'll tear into him.

I know it's natural to yearn for a good relationship with your father since you didn't have one when you were a child, and you want to "fix" it. It would be best to realize that he probably hasn't changed all that much and your relationship will probably be pretty much the same now as it always was. It's your choice to decide if you are capable of handling it now that you are an adult.
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Old 04-17-2010, 10:49 PM   #4
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Re: Visit my dad?

Thanks for your thoughts.

I don't really expect us to ever have the kind of relationship that I want but I am open to having some kind of a relationship with him. I am just worried that maybe he doesn't want a relationship with me?... I feel like I am getting mixed signals....

I have been checking my email constantly today and I haven't heard from him. He did send my brother a message asking if we were still coming tomorrow. My brother replied that he wasn't sure. I talked to my brother and we decided that we would go so he sent him another message saying that we are coming and with a time. That was hours ago and he hasn't replied. His lack of a reply makes me wonder if he is really hoping that we don't come?.... I would feel much better if he responded with an "ok see you tomorrow" or something to that effect. Am I just being neurotic and reading too much into this? Why didn't he write to me? I was the one that made the plans....

I am still really up in the air about what to do tomorrow. My brother confirmed that we are coming so I feel like I should. My boyfriend pointed out how many times my father has promised to come do something with me and never showed and says that it isn't really a big deal if I do the same. I feel like if I don't go I am slamming the door on him for good. Yet I feel like if I do go that I am somehow imposing on his life. It would be nice to see my grandfather who lives there also. My grandfather is in his late 70's and I don't know how many opportunities I will have to see him before it is too late.... I know ultimately the choice is mine but I don't want to go if he doesn't want me to and I am not really sure where he stands at the moment.

I think I am just going to suck it up and go. I am making an effort and if he rejects it then so be it. I have lived my whole life being rejected by him. One last chance.

 
Old 04-17-2010, 11:19 PM   #5
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Re: Visit my dad?

So I decide to send him a message asking if he's sure about the visit and I get this:
"yes .. unless you want an out .. that's ok, it's not gonna be very warm up here"

What does that mean????

 
Old 04-18-2010, 06:35 AM   #6
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Re: Visit my dad?

I'm not sure what his message means. But I think you should go for your grandpa's sake. Treat this more as a visit to him and not to your dad. Go and spend time with your grandpa and be cold but cordial to your dad. Then, after this trip is done, you don't have to go back again unless you want to see your grandpa. That's my advice.

 
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