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Old 04-17-2010, 06:35 PM   #1
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How do I deal with a person I broke up with but still love..

I came across this site for a class assignment and realized its a great way to get advice! wow!

Here is my dilema:

I broke up with my boyfriend of SIX years about 4 months ago. We had a great relationship WHEN he was a nice person or WHEN I said yes to his every demand and wish. He was verbally abusive, had no goals, put me and my family through so much, depended on me financially, and I had lost my own self identity & interests by making my life all about HIM!

I broke up with him for all that and because he only wanted to party!!!! He was ruining his life! I thought by breaking up with him he would realize he needs to make a drastic change also.

When I first broke up with him he called me saying he was going to kill himself. Of course I went to talk to him. And he got through it. But he still depressed. I told his family, but that didn't get him into therapy or anything.


As for me, I have gotten my life back and have completely 100% turned my "stuck in a rut life" completely around! And all this in just 4 months!

I am very happy to be achieving so much now, but I do get sad that he is not a part of my life at all and is doing so horrible. He texts me everyday. And I always respond. He tells me he wants get back together and will change for me. I tell him I can't, he has hurt me too much, and he needs to just grow up and become a man.

Do you guys think I need to stop talking to him completely? I love him a lot, and truly would get back with him if I ever did see a change and maturity. I know that is wishful thinking. I was already waiting for a long time for him to "grow up" but still want to be there if he ever does. Is that wrong? Is that selfish to tell him? But it is very hard for me to have him completely out of my life. Is it confusing for him if we try and be friends and keep texting and emailing? Am I making our lives more complicated?

He needs a lot of help in every aspect of his life and it makes me sad he has ruined his life and still is strugging at his moms house with no job, no hs diploma, no drivers license or car, and no girlfriend.

Thanks for any feedback!

 
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Old 04-17-2010, 06:44 PM   #2
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Re: How do I deal with a person I broke up with but still love..

Sounds like you had very real, valid reasons for ending it, and it sounds like you had "the talk" about why it happened. You didn't tell a lie and then just disappear and leave him to wonder what the heck happened, you were fair, up front and honest about it all. I do think it's a bit unfair for you to keep him hanging on, even if you aren't doing it consciously. He probably senses that you would take him back if he just keeps begging hard enough. You need to put a stop to that. You don't love him, you love who you wanteed him to be, who you hope he will be someday. and that's not a good or healthy way to love someone. You know in your heart that he's not healthy and he's not good for you. You've told his family about the suicide threat, and that's really all you can do. What he chooses to do from here on out is his choice and not your responsibility.

I think you do need to break off all contact with him. It will be tough but he needs to get up on his own feet, not for you, but for himself. Any changes he would make just to get you back would vanish as soon as he did get you back anyway. You've made your choice, and it was a good, sensible choice. You need to stick to it and not look back, for both your sakes.

 
Old 04-17-2010, 06:55 PM   #3
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Re: How do I deal with a person I broke up with but still love..

Yes, I think you should cut ties and continue to move on. You can't help him. He has to help himself. If he is making it conditioned upon you being there or not.......well that is just another selfish ploy to control you. This is not how a person who truely want's help goes about getting it. My ex did this same thing to me. And in the end, he got so desparate I had to change my telephone numbers. So be prepared that just because you stop answereing, doesn't mean he wont kick it up a notch. And I too, felt bad at first, and even still, because I'm pregnant I think, I feel like just giving him a call. But I know that I am doing the right thing. All things considered, I am so much happier and I am doing so much better now. I'm a better mom, I'm a better housekeeper, I'm a better friend, I'm happier and I feel like a good person again. I know to open that door for even one second, he would pull the rug right out from underneath me and take me right back down. I NEVER want to be that girl again. It sounds like you dont either. Best of luck to you.
Melissa

 
Old 04-17-2010, 06:59 PM   #4
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Re: How do I deal with a person I broke up with but still love..

By the way, mine ended up even getting kicked out of his mom's place. He ended at his friends "flop house", no license, no job, and no diploma. Not to mention the criminal record that I later found out he had which he failed to disclose in the beginning. You cant help somebody like that. In the end, he made his own bed and I didn't care to share it with him anymore.

 
Old 04-17-2010, 08:14 PM   #5
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Re: How do I deal with a person I broke up with but still love..

Yes, you need to stop the contact. Every time you talk to him you convince him that he can get you back. You cannot possibly move on with your life as long as you allow this. He does not want to be "friends", he wants you back for all the things you used to do for him. He doesn't want to grow up and "be a man", and as long as he gets you back, he doesn't have to.

Let me tell you a bit of my story...I dated a guy 10 years ago who did a lot of cheating, lying, hiding things, he was sometimes mean to me. So I broke it off and dated someone else. For FIVE YEARS, this guy begged me back. Over and over, seemed like non-stop sometimes. I thought we could stay "friends" too, but he did nothing but beg me back any time I gave him the slightest attention. Then, things went bad with the guy I had been dating and my ex convinced me he'd changed, he hadn't known what he had before, he now knew he truly loved me, and could I please give him another chance? So I did. Well, guess what he did when I gave him that second chance? He cheated, lied, hid things from me and was often mean to me! Gee...big surprise there! I should have known better...he had not changed, not one bit, and I was a fool to think that someone could change that much. He only acted like he'd changed long enough to get me with him, then when he had me, he didn't feel the need to put on his act anymore. We are now broken up, thankfully for good, and there is no attempt to stay "friends".

I advise you to move on with your life and leave him behind. He'll survive, don't worry. Besides, it's not up to you to help him survive anyway. He's an adult and he'll figure it out somehow.
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Old 04-18-2010, 09:24 AM   #6
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Re: How do I deal with a person I broke up with but still love..

Thank you everyone for your advice. This will be hard to do, but I know I need to stop leading him on in any way. He told me he is moving out of town in June, and that's my deadline if I decide I want to be with him. HA! Ridiculous. Just another way I know he is trying to be controlling. Well time to stop being friends and the wishful thinking. Whoever wrote that I am in love with the person he wanted to be is right. It isn't healthy. Thanks

 
Old 04-18-2010, 09:58 AM   #7
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Re: How do I deal with a person I broke up with but still love..

I'm glad you've decided to stop contact with him. The fact is, even if you've moved forward, by keeping him in contact, he has been holding you back. You shouldn't let him continue to hold you back like that. He's done enough at this point.

Let's hope he does move away and you never have to see him or speak to him again.

 
Old 04-18-2010, 02:42 PM   #8
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Re: How do I deal with a person I broke up with but still love..

Cut ties and continue improving your life. Every time you guys communicate it's like pouring salt in a wound. He won't give up hope if you're still communicating. He might find it difficult but he won't change if you guys keep going on like this. You can still love someone and care about them and not engage them in conversation and not be involved with them. If you did end up with him, the kind of changes he would need to make would take years.

 
Old 04-19-2010, 10:07 AM   #9
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Re: How do I deal with a person I broke up with but still love..

I agree with the previous posters, cutting communication is the best thing you can do for yourself. Yes it hurts and I have been there. I once loved a guy that was no good for me and he cheated and lied and continued to do it over and over again.

You will move on faster and it's not helping matters to continue communicating with him.
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