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zm1111zm 04-20-2010 07:44 AM

Female having trouble making close female friends, any ideas?
 
I am a young woman interested in finding friendships with other women.
Have never managed to do this very well. Used to be shy and not try enough, but now I really do try, and social life is ultimately the same (they never call, they never write)

For those of you women who are the type to always have a "best friend" and friends who call, text, want to hang out, how do you attract these types of friendships?

I can get to the point I meet people I like (in a class, club, online, etc.) and exchange phone #s or email, then I call or email them and never get a response. (I just try to keep the email or voicemail fairly short, upbeat, suggest getting together, but no responses.) Or

on the occassion when I think I am making a friend and we go somewhere (lunch or whatever) and she says she had a great time, wants to do it again, so after awhile I'll send a text/email/phone call (depending on how I met the person) (usually get voice mail when calling) and never hear back. And they always have my contact info. too, so they could have called/texted first but never do...

In this case, sometimes I will try a 2nd time, but there is never a response the 2nd time. That is where I draw the line, because I am no stalker! :)

I realize this kind of thing happens a lot, people are busy, etc. but does no one want to put 50% effort into a friendship? No one wants a new friendship? I feel like the only person on the planet without a little group to hang out with!

I am not a naturally bubbly extrovert, but I really try to be friendly, ask people questions about themselves, etc. so I would think there would be someone out there who is looking for friends who would respond but.... no...

Honestly, I feel like I could more easily make male friends, but women friends, which I what I really want (being I am married) I can't seem to figure out.

I feel like there must be some secret to finding that close friend and I've never cracked the code. My problem used to be lack of trying, but now I do try, so what to think?

Is it normal for it to be this hard to make friends, and how do you ladies with a group of friends all do it?

You meet in class or work, etc., meet outside class/work for coffee, etc. (it's always I who has to suggest it. I don't get approached. But I don't know what else I can do besides be the one to suggest it.) Then what happens to keep the friendship going?

How do you, say, move somewhere new for a job and meet someone and get the friendship to the point where that person actually calls you half the time and wants to do things on a regular basis?

I know there is a "natural high" that comes when you first make a new friend and that disappears after the first meeting, and life's business takes over, but surely someone out there wants my friendship.

I don't want my life to always be this way.

Do I just keep trying and trying or what? Is it "normal" to have to do that or?

It doesn't seem like it takes other people this long... so I would like to hear from those people, how do you do it?

curly fry 04-20-2010 08:33 AM

Re: Female having trouble making close female friends, any ideas?
 
I can relate to how you are feeling 100%! Moving to another state, after I had been living where I was my whole life and have had the same set of friends since elementary school, I found myself friendless!!! And I was THE social butterfly of the group. But then I moved and I've just haven't met any girlfriends. At first, I knew some girls and we got together a lot (because they so happened to live in my BFs building, and we had other connecting factors). But then they started relationships and got TOO dramatic in their relationships. So we stopped hanging out after a while. Then there was another set. We went out a few times and kept in comunication. But I felt they were too clicky for me and I always felt like the odd ball out. ME! Out of all people! Needless to say, this is just not my comfort zone. Then recently, I met a girl who seemed cool but got REALLY stalkerish and that just turned me off to the idea of meeting girl friends.

At first I thought there was something wrong with me (see my first post if interested) and people made me feel bad for not having girlfriends. But this is not college (or school) and it is harder to meet women in the real world because a lot of tend to come of stand off-ish. And after a while, people already have their set of friends, and like you mention, many don't want to put the effort in making new friends. It's really a lot work. In my original group of friends (which I love and unfortunately they're far away) we losely spoke about vaginas, sex/ sexuall things, sex toys, periods, etc (not that we're overly sexual, but we talked about it!!!). Here, I seriously can't even remember when I mentioned the word vagina out loud! It's just a comfort that took YEARS to build and that we grew up with it together. And frankly, I don't think I would be 100% comfortable with another set of friends. I just don't think it can happen for me. But I am pretty ok with and I'm pretty happy now that I stopped worrying about not having a girl friend/ trying to find one.

Yes it would be awesome to have girl friends to go to the mall, movies, have slumber parties, and just hang out. But its also somethng that I learned I could do with out.

Sorry, I didn't really give you any tips on making girlfriends. But it really doesn't have to do with you. It has to do with the other person. You can meet as many people as you can, but that won't guarentee that she is going to call you back. Some people are just flakey!

kewlgirl 04-20-2010 09:00 AM

Re: Female having trouble making close female friends, any ideas?
 
I moved to a big city 5 years ago, met my husband and got married. Meanwhile I was working 2 jobs to make ends meet and had no time for a social life. Earlier in my teens a lot of girls didn't like me because I was decent looking and I never had a problem getting a date and other girls thought I was their competition.

I basically had (and still do) have mostly guy friends. Women are catty, they think if you look better or have a better job they can't be friends with you.

It's weird but I know how you feel.

River rocks 04-20-2010 11:26 AM

Re: Female having trouble making close female friends, any ideas?
 
I've been in your shoes before. And I've asked the same questions!
I am the type to have just a couple of close friends, and it takes me months even years sometimes to build that bond. I'm not the type to have 20 contacts/friends on my phone who I call just to chat. I always see women with cell phones attached to their ears, obviously very social women, and I wonder how do they ever have that much to talk about all of the time?
I'm more intorverted and so I can wait for weekends to talk/visit with friends. I get alot of my "friendship" and companion needs met through my boyfriend.

Some things I did in the past to facilitate friendships with other women was to find an activity you like and see who also shows up. I have joined softball teams, bowling teams, and other group activities and met people that way. You get to be pretty good friends when you have to see them each week lol.

Also, since you are married, maybe there are some couples you two can socialize with? Currently my two best friends I met through my boyfriend. They are the girlfriends of his best friends. We all hang out together, and I've come to know and like them quite a bit.

Church is a neat way to make friends. When I used to go regularly, and I was single, I joined a ladies group and before long I had some very good friends!

Good luck! A lot of us have been there where you are. You sound like a lovely person with a lot to offer in a friendship!

digmusic 04-20-2010 11:44 AM

Re: Female having trouble making close female friends, any ideas?
 
I haven't read through all the answers yet or your whole post but I was happy to see you post this, as I have the same problem. Actually I do have female friends, but most of them are from high school and college. I'm 25 now and have a lot of trouble making new female friends. I wonder how people make new friends now. It seems so awkward. "Hey would you like to go have some coffee after work?" I mean, I dunno... the only new friend I've met in awhile is the girlfriend of my boyfriend's friend and I've become friends with some of his friends. But I want my own friends and my own life. I'm curious to see the responses here!

I also really relate to wanting a group. I used to have a group in college, but now everyone is dispersed all over the country. I have a lot of friends but they're all in different states. I don't have any sort of cohesive posse and it really makes me feel lonely sometimes! It's also really hard if you don't drink alcohol - I hate to say it, but lots of people become friends first because of alcohol.

caberg 04-20-2010 01:04 PM

Re: Female having trouble making close female friends, any ideas?
 
My closest friends were made in high school and college, where you have the opportunity to spend lots of time together over a long period of time. Those relationships developed over many years.

We don't really make new friends these days because we have a close-knit group and that's about all we have time for. We're not opposed to new friends at all, but it just doesn't seem to happen these days.

My advice would be to get into situations where you'll see the same people over and over again and do more than passive activities. It's hard (I would think) to form solid, life-long friendships by sitting in a lecture together or meeting for coffee. You need to have experiences together.

Like, for example, if you did a month-long group travel adventure, I can almost guarantee you would come out of it with a solid friendship. Of course, that's not always an option, but you get the idea.

Which reminds me, some of my close college friends are the ones who were on my term-abroad in europe. Having shared that experience with those people, we share something that has created a strong bond between us. Sports teams is another context where you spend the type of time together that forms lasting bonds.

Good luck!

92261 04-20-2010 01:35 PM

Re: Female having trouble making close female friends, any ideas?
 
zm1111: Do you belong to a church? If not, join one. There's always something going on with women's groups at churches. Do some volunteering somewhere, even if it's at a nursing home. These days, with our computerized society, everyone is indoors sitting at their computer. Good luck

BigRed54 04-20-2010 02:18 PM

Re: Female having trouble making close female friends, any ideas?
 
Try to see if there are groups in your area that you would be interested in attending. Others are right that you have to be in the same situation over and over for a while to make friends (that's why you had high school friends and why mothers become friends when raising kids).

prettiestpon 04-20-2010 02:37 PM

Re: Female having trouble making close female friends, any ideas?
 
wow, your post described me to a tee. it Seems whenever i meet girl friends, they either move to another state, relocate to a diff school, just lose touch because of being busy, or become total flakes (and i cant deal with flakes). i agree that once people become set in their ways they sort of become set in their friendships, and arent really looking to make friends unless someone really extraordinary comes around. i have always been a warm, friendly person, but i feel i have to try harder as i get older and be even more outgoing then when i was younger.

i have always been really active like going to the gym, pool, etc. so when you see these people on a daily basis you are more likely to establish a connection and a friendship. i am not sure how old you are, but some churches have great meetings for people in there 20s-30s. i used to belong to one before i moved. now i am going through the same thing you are.

good luck

EagleRiverDee 04-20-2010 03:02 PM

Re: Female having trouble making close female friends, any ideas?
 
I used to have trouble making friends and often felt alone and like people avoided me. I'm quite average looking and can be a loner, and that didn't help.

What changed was I finally decided I didn't need other people to have fun, and I started going out by myself. I'd go to the dance clubs and dance by myself, and pretty soon people were dancing with me. I'd go to a restaurant and eat by myself, and pretty soon people were talking to me and eating with me. I'd go out walking or hiking and meet people doing that. I'd go to the gym and take a group class and pretty soon the lady next to me is talking to me. I joined an internet forum where we talked about current events and the next thing I know someone is asking me to meet them for coffee. I'd be talking to a vendor on the phone at work that lives in another city...and she would invite me to come stay with her if I'm ever in her city. What I found the common denominator was that I was having fun, and people are attracted to that. I met my fiance (soon to be husband) at a dance club where I was dancing alone. He hung out with me all night because I was comfortable just dancing and hanging out. We started dating a few weeks afterward. I met my best friend at a training seminar in a city neither of us were familiar with. We started chatting on the bus and ended up hanging out all week- and 2 years later remain so tight that we email every day and we live in separate cities.

So my suggestion is find some activities that you would enjoy and just go do them. If you are having fun and being confident, it's a magnet to people. They will be drawn to you. And during the times where you are still alone, you're still having fun. So, it's win-win. Either way, you have a good time, and usually you will attract people who will want to at least talk right then, if not form a more permanent friendship. Just stick to things that are genuinely interesting to you, or that you want to try.

zm1111zm 04-21-2010 06:23 AM

Re: Female having trouble making close female friends, any ideas?
 
Thank you for the tips.

I agree that at least going out and doing fun things will mean having fun :jester:

The person who said they don't like to drink so that makes it harder, I know how you feel! People want to go out to happy hour, or they drink a lot at parties. Yes, I can sit there drinking a soda, but it's not easy to feel connected to them then.

Also being a non-smoker-- coworkers who are smokers constantly socialize with each other out on the patio every day, and I feel left out. Surprised how many people still smoke! But I just can't bear to be around 2nd-hand smoke.

Any more ideas are welcomed.

berryberrycute 04-22-2010 01:21 PM

Re: Female having trouble making close female friends, any ideas?
 
I totally understand...i'm in the same boat (no friends)I had lots of girl friends when i was in my teens & then i met my ex boyfriend & lost contact with a lot of my friends over the years...& most of the friends we hung out with was his family & his friends,which at the time became my friends too...but i finally got rid of him...met a new guy...which has lots of friends & i really don't have any ...i have tried to meet new people but it's really hard...(i like shopping,going to a movie, lunch,just hang out ext...what girls do)My boyfriend is always saying to me u need some friends to hang out with...(does he not think i no that)lol...I'm in Canada Ontario...so lets make some friends....& i'm not big on the bar seen anymore & i'm not a smoker.

Sillygrl 04-30-2010 09:50 PM

Re: Female having trouble making close female friends, any ideas?
 
I am glad too that you posted these questions. I would like to know the secret as well. I have had a tough time meeting and keeping friends as well. I am actually quite depressed about it. Here I sit, the day my student teaching internship is over on the computer by myself. My bf is at work and all of my "friends" must be doing something better than helping me celebrate. I know I sound like I am throwing a little pity party, but seriously? Is there such a thing as decent friends anymore? I am not greedy, just one will do. I hope you find the answers and share them with all of us.

goingdaffy 05-03-2010 04:28 PM

Re: Female having trouble making close female friends, any ideas?
 
Most of my friends were at work and after I lost my job, my friends eventually got lost too. It's just hard to keep in touch when lives are busy. It was much easier when I was single and younger. I don't always trust women because I had some bad experiences in high school because of my looks and the looks I got from their boyfriends. Now I'm a little hesitate to get involved with the wives of my husband's friends because it seems like they're always getting divorced or breaking up and then things are very awkward. So I can understand why women might shy away from friendships.

I do think that church is a good way to make friends, and also hobby groups, that is if you can find a way to get away from demands of family and kids. I'm glad you posted because my daughter is always teasing me about not having very many friends anymore. It makes me think I need to get out more often.

Witty1 05-14-2010 07:08 AM

Re: Female having trouble making close female friends, any ideas?
 
I am having difficulty making adult friends and I think it only came to light since I've been dating my SO. He has a lot of friends and a really close relationship with his family. I basically have no family and all of my friends from high school are in different states and we rarely even email. I have some work friends who I feel close to but we don't really do much together outside of the office. So when my SO goes out with his friends (I'm always invited) I feel like I miss that I don't have my own personal set of friends.

Like his friends are really great and seem to like me but its not like I can start calling his friends on the phone and talk. I miss having girlfriends to have close realtionships with. I don't have that girlfriend in my life that I could call up and tell her good news or bad news or hang out with. My SO is my best friend and he says I am his but he also has this amazing network of friends and he gets phone calls and text messages from them (all he shares with me) but they are to him and not to me. A few times his friends have called me to talk but really I think it is if they can't reach him on his phone. I guess I am just saying that I understand your desire because I would like a good friend outside of my relationship and I don't want to feel like a clinger to his friends.

I have also joined some interest groups and people are always nice to me but in the end they all have shared things and they circle around each other and make plans with each other after our meetings. I always feel really stupid and out of place. The times I assert myself seems to fail because these women seem interested and positive when we are talking but at the end of our meetings or practice or after work outs they all glom onto each other and walk out together and leave me straggling behind on my own. It is weird to feel like I am 12 again.


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