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strung along? let go?

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Old 04-20-2010, 05:53 PM   #1
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strung along? let go?

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 3 years. We never had any massive problems and we have never had any huge arguments. We traveled the world and we always appreciated each other. I literally thought that this was as good as it gets, and we were heading towards marriage.

And then this past weekened I found out that he went on a trip with a coworker to boston and lied. He said it was a guy trip. (he works for an airline so flying is easily accessible). I was upset and I was angry. After days of huge arguments and staying up till 4 fighting.... (him begging me to forgive him) i finally realized that I couldn't imagine myself without him.

So a few days ago I told him i could work through his lie and we can do it long as i knew the truth. So when we started talking, he started expressing himself.

Then i told him that I wanted to be with him, as long as he was 100% there. Then he starte dthinking and he said he loves me and he knows everyhting will lead to me... but he just doesnt know anymore. And i asked what didn't he know, and he said he doesn't even we broke up. we broke up t him saying he'll be back and he just needs time.

Ive talked to their friends and its the same thing...he wants to be with me and he loves me, but he is confused. He mentioned saying that he felt like if we wer eto get together then we'd end up getting married and etc etc. Also hes worried because we've been arguing over time.

So now im here...waiting and annxious. Am i suppose to just move on...or am i just suppose to wait. he said hes optimistic that it'll be me...but he needs time. I kinda gave into the weakness and asked if he had time to talk later today....but he hasnt answered...

what should i do?

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Old 04-20-2010, 06:32 PM   #2
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Re: strung along? let go?

This is a "nice guys" approach to giving you the slip. He hopes that after a while, you will get the drift that he isn't comming back and you will just accept it and move on. Not to mention, just in case he doesn't find somebody else right away, it leaves the door open so that he doesn't get stuck all alone. I would move on. Your life and your decisions should be what are most important to you! Why would you want to wait for somebody lied to you, begged you back, then turned and left you hanging because he's not sure. Even if you did get back together, it would be so awkward and my guess is in a very short time you would be right back where you are right now. Do yourself a huge favor and cut the strings right now, and move on. Dont put it will only make it more painful in the long run.

Old 04-20-2010, 06:42 PM   #3
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Re: strung along? let go?

YOU are in charge of your life...not him. I think you need to decide if you feel like putting your life on hold while he hems and haws and says "I just don't know..." for years maybe!

My SIL did that with her ex-BF. He "wasn't sure" and kept her hanging...for TWELVE YEARS! Finally, she got fed up and left him. Now she's happily married. The guy she had been waiting for? STILL not married!

I say, don't put your life on hold for anyone. What if he's still "not sure" ten years from now? Do what you want to do and if he decides to join you and you're still available, then no harm done.
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong

Old 04-20-2010, 06:43 PM   #4
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Re: strung along? let go?

Let him go. If it's 'meant to be' you will find your ways to each other at some point. Don't wait around for him. Truth is, if a guys wants to be with you, he will. Simple as that. After 3 years, and you 'just don't know'?! I call BS!

Old 04-20-2010, 07:12 PM   #5
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Re: strung along? let go?

Sounds to me that he has been pursuing other options (with a female) but he's not sure if it will work out. So, he in turns tells you he's confused allowing him time to play his game.

Truth be told, when you truly love someone, there is NO confusion. He's feeding you a line and I don't wish to be unkind, but you would be a fool to sit back and wait for his crumbs, if he even decides to throw you some.

HELLO....... wake up time !

Wishing you the very best.........and remember, life isn't always easy, that's what makes it an interesting road to travel.

Last edited by islandjohnny; 04-20-2010 at 07:14 PM.

Old 04-20-2010, 09:49 PM   #6
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Re: strung along? let go?

I have to agree with the other posters. Three years is long enough for him to know whether you're right for him. It could be a matter of timing, as hard as it is for us women to understand and deal with, some men will gladly let go of a woman who is perfect for him and who he loves because he's just not ready to settle down yet and it's just not time. We women are ready anytime the right guy comes along. But men are different. It's a matter of timing to some of them to a large degree.

But even so, as hard as it is, you need to move on. This guy is not the one for you. If he were, he wouldn't be confused or holding back. At the end of the day, it doesn't really matter why, if he's scared, just not ready to settle down, not really love, not ready to be in love, blah blah blah. The bottom line is he's pushing you away. The only thing you can do is go on about your life and move on.

And one last thing...please please PLEASE don't continue to sleep with him. You don't really want to go from almost fiance to just a girl he's seeing for now who he's not quite sure about, do you? Such a demotion would only damage your self esteem. I also agree that this is his way of breaking up with you without really breaking up with you. He's set the stage for being able to come back and have a nice dinner, a back rub, and sex when he feels like it, without being committed to you and being free to come and go as he likes. Don't fall for that.

Old 04-21-2010, 06:09 AM   #7
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Re: strung along? let go?

I agree with what the others have said.

He probably loves you, but he's not ready to commit. He is interested in his coworker (I'm assuming a female) but doesn't know that it will lead anywhere, so by telling you he "needs time" and thinks he wants to end up with you but "isn't sure," he's hoping beyond hope that if things don't work out with this other female (which it almost surely won't), he can come back to you.

This is not your fault in any way-- he is just not ready for lifelong commitment.

My personal opinion is you should give him an ultimatum ("Hell no, you can not date other people and expect me to stick around. You can not make up stories and sneak around and lie. Either you are with me 100% or it's over, and we go our separate ways 100%") or get him to go with you to a relationship's therapist.

Whatever you do-- don't sleep with him, hoping it will change his mind. Don't do anything sexual, or you'll end up feeling used. (Plus if he might be cheating, he could contract an std.) Don't tell him you'll wait for him until he has an answer. Don't start doing extra nice things or trying to make changes to keep him around.

In other words, don't let HIM have control of the situation. If you don't take complete control, he will never respect you, and you will lose respect for yourself and have damaged self-esteem for a long time.

Old 04-21-2010, 07:36 AM   #8
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Re: strung along? let go?

I think it's possible that he really is confused and unsure. "Cold feet" is something that really happens in relationships when marriage is impending.

Maybe he is trying to give you "the slip" and get out, but I think it's just as likely, or maybe even more likely, that he's really trying to work out his feelings and come to terms with how he feels about a lifelong commitment. It's not an easy thing to wrap your head around as a young person with a life ahead of you.

That said, I wouldn't give him too much time to waver. If he comes around, it should be full steam ahead with no looking back. Never again.

Old 04-21-2010, 09:24 AM   #9
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Re: strung along? let go?

Don't put your life on hold for anyone. Go forward and be yourself, independant without him. Learn to be OK without him. It might open the door to things in your life that you never thought would enter. Things aside form him.

Its not a one way street. He can't expect you to wait while he decides. Mentally you have to move forward.

A good friend of mine once told me an analogy I have never forgotten:
You have a VIP reserved parking spot in your heart. When you fall in love you let that person occupy that spot. It is unavaliable to anyone else. At this point if you let him remained parked there, no one else can. You heart will be occupied, and unfortunatley by vacant car.

I do kknow this is painful. But try and think and focus on positive things aside from your relationship. You need to move on.

And I agree with what others have said about the sex. Do not under any circumstances sleep with him while he is still "figuring things out". That is a common fatal error and as someone wisely stated above, it demotes you greatly. You have to respect yourself. Having sex without commitment will not bring him back to you or change his mind.

Old 04-21-2010, 10:12 AM   #10
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Re: strung along? let go?

Thanks everyone for their posts..

So my first post, I left off that I texted him and he didnt respond...but he eventually called me back.

I explained to him that I really wanted this to work and we could just take everything one day at a time. He still said he wants his own time right now. I asked if i could go to his house and talk and he said yes.

So we talked and he spoke about some of the reasons he needs this (although it was still unclear). He said he wanted this break because he wants to see that he misses me, and that he thinks he has taken me for granted. IN addition he feels that this break would be truly beneficial for us. That if we got together now he would maybe stop loving me...but he doesn't want to he needs this break. He also said that he isn't looking to date or anything, but he just needs HIS time. He said that he knows that all roads lead to me and that i need to just believe him when he said that he would be back. And he said that I was like the love of his life. He said that "I need my time, just give it to me and I'll be back". I asked how long, and he doesn't could be a week or months...but he promises that he would hasten his thinking process. He said that it wasn't going to take like a year or 6 months...that he just needed this time for himself. He kept saying he does love me and is IN love with me, and he is very optimistic about us in the end. He told me that he does miss me, but he knows this is the right thing to do for him. He said for me to do my own thing, but don't lost hope or sight of him. He just kept repeating, "i need my time. i need this time to just do what i need to do. don't worry, i'm 99% sure ill be back. believe in me"

We also had a wedding to go to in June together, and I told him that I should tell my aunt he's no longer attending...and he said that he doesn't think "this breakup" will last that long. That in his heart this is a break, but were going to call it a break up...because he says its not fair for me to wait while he does his own thing.

However during this all he was kissing me, grabbing and hugging me. We even went to his basketball game and he introduced me as his girlfriend still (in which he apologized to me for).He told me he was going to call me today because he wanted to know how my work interview would go.

When i left his house i told him that by him letting me go that i would have to. That i would have to move on...and he said told me "i'm not telling move on..just do your own thing right now...i just need time". Then right before he left my car he said, "i love you."

I know i'm beeing foolish...but i actually believe that he's coming back... I'm so heartbroken right now. 3 awesome years...and then BAM. It can't just end like this. In my heart i know he still loves my heart i want to believe what he says.

. He said that when he learned i started painting my room and cutting my hair, he was like "wow she is really moving on". but then that was before he saw he knows that i'm like a sitting duck. I told him that, and he said that i shouldn't feel that way.

Everyone is telling me to stop calling and texting him...that he needs to really see his life without me.... to just do my own thing, but not "cut it off". I'm scared that if i do stop calling and texting him...then I'll lose him. I feel like he'll just never come back. That once he doesn't hear from me, it'll be even harder for him to come back...

I'm scared, anxious, depressed, lonely...and i ultimately miss him.

Old 04-21-2010, 10:27 AM   #11
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Re: strung along? let go?

you're his backup plan.....his safety net.....
while he goes out and tries something else out, and it doesn't work, he thinks he will still have you to fall back on.....
I wouldn't be that safety net for him.....let him fall and go splat.....

Old 04-21-2010, 10:31 AM   #12
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Re: strung along? let go?

VF, but the thing is, he WANTS you to stop calling and texting him. He has ASKED you to stop. You can't force him to love you by disregarding his wishes. If he has an "out of sight out of mind" take on this situation after a while, and decides not to come back, then it just wasn't meant to be. You can't make him want to stay with you by staying in his face. That would also be very self-nullifying behavior on your part. Have more respect for yourself than to beg him to stay with you and to keep bothering him when he's told you quite plainly he wants you to leave him alone now. Disregarding his wishes now will not endear you to him, it will only annoy him.

I don't think there's any way to scheme or strategize your way out of this situation. He's just not that into you. You need to just let him be and move on with your life. And you have a right to indeed MOVE ON with your life. I think you should date other men and keep your mind and heart open to other romantic possiblilties. If, after he's done "thinking things through" he is ready to commit to you and treat you right, AND if you're still available and you haven't met a really great guy who is not confused, who knows how much he loves you and is ready now to treat you right, then perhaps you guys can give it another go. But you can't love someone for who you hope they'll be someday. You can't be with him and hope he'll love you the same way some day. He just doesn't, and you just have to accept that and let him go, at least for now. You know what they say, if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with. Or as a friend of mine says, if it doesn't come back to you, hunt it down and kill it. Just kidding. But really, don't be afraid that he won't come back if you stop contact. If he doesn't come back, then he was never really yours, and would have left you someday anyway. Wouldn't you rather know now than after a few years of marriage and a couple of kids that he's just not that into you?

Old 04-21-2010, 10:32 AM   #13
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Re: strung along? let go?

Oh you poor thing. I'm afraid that I have to agree that he is stringing you along. It is the nice-guy's way of breaking up with a girl.

But, lets say everything that he says IS true. You do have to believe that he needs to be away from you right now. He does need his space and time away from you so you do have to stop calling him, texting him and going over there. It is not going to help if you are constantly contacting him. When someone asks for their time you have to give it to them. You will lose him for sure if you don't because he has directly asked you for something that he needs.... time and space, and if you can't give him that then he will end up resentful of you.

Old 04-21-2010, 10:37 AM   #14
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Re: strung along? let go?

Originally Posted by veryfoolish View Post

Everyone is telling me to stop calling and texting him...that he needs to really see his life without me.... to just do my own thing, but not "cut it off". I'm scared that if i do stop calling and texting him...then I'll lose him. I feel like he'll just never come back. That once he doesn't hear from me, it'll be even harder for him to come back...
Everyone is RIGHT. Stop calling. Stop texting. You are scared that if you stop calling/texing you will lose him, the reality is that if you KEEP calling/texing you WILL lose him. He has asked for space, so believe him.

But move forward! Don't put your life on a shelf. A man sees a woman way more attractive when she has her own life and is happy even without him (at least the good guys see it this way).

Last edited by River rocks; 04-21-2010 at 10:40 AM.

Old 04-21-2010, 10:39 AM   #15
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Re: strung along? let go?

It would seem to me that he has met someone else/new and that is sad because you can't depend on him to be thinking about the two of you when he is distracted by someone else. Especially if you think he is doing nothing but thinking about you and your life together...he isn't. All he has on his mind right now is this new person. which may or may not work out. I am guessing this new female hasn't quite committed herself to him yet so that is why he is not answering or returning your calls. My guess is he is hoping she will decide to take him up on his advances then you would be out but if she does not return his advances then he will make all the apologies to you...the ones he knows will let him back into your heart and he knows you will forgive him. All I can say is yes you are being played and if he comes back to you the big question is...will he do this again? I am thinking yes...if you are truly committed to someone nothing like this would ever happen. Good luck and I am sorry you have to deal with this.

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