been married for over 20 years . My husband has OCD and is an avid collector of CD/DVD. His passion is music. Locks the room where they are no one can have a key. I finally got one after i refused to pay mortgage. Of course BEFORE i was given the key I was to promise NEVER to sell ANY of his CD's no matter what. At first I couldn't promise--- if food was needed, light bill paid and it was below freezing or mortgage had to be paid and there were NO FUNDS available then I would so therfore couldn't promise. Wasn't good enough. I had to SWEAR that eveh after his death I would GIVE THEM to his friends after keeping what I wanted. he has around 8 THOUSAND of these things. During the discussion I was told I am a evil sneaky person because 2 years ago when I lost my job I sold a few CD's to buy food and get gas as I had been laid off and JUST got a new job. He wouldn't give me any money, when I asked my one relative nearby for money he said "NO,, you guys owe me and your husband can pay me back or I will come take out what you owe off the wall with CD's instead. Your husband can stop buying CD's and support you and his son." I pay the mortgage and cell phone bill, he the others. I have had to take over 2 of his bills as they weren't getting paid. he buys CD's as this is an additction of his. Yet because of me getting my own checking account to keep money to pay the mortgage and important bills I am evil, I have ruined HIS life, I could leave if i wanted and he would get a room mate to help pay the mortgage as it does take both incomes to make it. We have a 17 yr old son that has had issues with school and pot and i don't want to leave HIM. But I really am NOT an evil sneaky person. All my friends and family see me as a generous giving person, quite selfless NOT selfish. I am not perfect but he has destroyed me with all he let loose with last night over those darn CD's
Thanks for letting me vent.
No one but you can tell you if you need to leave or end the marriage. You should definitely consider all the pluses and minuses of your life, what you can't live without and how the changes will impact your life. It sounds to me like your husband needs help with his addiction, and soon! Can you convince him to get help - maybe marriage counseling? I would not live with what you are describing, but that's me, and I don't know the quality of your life with him other than this issue.
I can tell you that if you threaten to leave, you should definitely mean it because otherwise you are simply letting him know that you are willing to live on his terms.
I'm just curious, what was it before CD/DVD's. If you've been together 20 years, it was something before that. Has it always been music, just different forms? (cassette, 8 track, albums)
This is one of the more unusual obsessions I've ever heard of. One of those issues that if he had some control and could actually share and enjoy them, it would shift from being a problem to a hobby. It's pretty amazing to me that anyone would sacrifice food and gas for CD/DVD's but I'm assuming from the tone of your post that he does not see this as any sort of problem and never has, except for your being in his way of being legally married to his collection.
You do have to weigh whatever good there is against this problem. Because it becomes a money issue, it's not a little thing. If there's any chance you are actually considering leaving, you might want to start some planning now and make sure the things that are in your name reflect timely payments and see where your individual credit rating is. He may think things will be easy without you, but without you there to make sure some things get paid, he might be surprised. A room mate would not be that accommodating.
It was always music. Albums then when CD's came out they took over. His closet in the "music room" is loaded with Albums. Every wall in that room is filled with racks of CD's. I remember when we were dating and he hadn't moved into his apartment with his friends and he bought an album. He HID IT outside his bedroom window to get later as his mom would have gotten mad. He reached through his bedroom window later and snuck it into his collection.One year at Christmas he had asked his dad to build him another rack. he was SO diappointed when he didn't get it. his own mother said IF they gave it to him he would feel obligated to FILL IT UP.
I asked him WHY we were still married if I was so evil and he said he kept hoping I WOULD CHANGE for him. Well, I keep groceries in the house, laundry done, house cleaned to his OCD standards, cook a meal EVERY night, . He comes home, takes a power nap, goes online, eats, takes a power nap and goes back upstairs for online activities until he decides to go to bed. He will watch me vacum, or dust but WILL fold HIS clothes when I take a load out of the dryer. He won't touch mine or our son's at all. Counseling is out of the question because there is NOTHING wrong with HIM I need to change
this isn't a marriage.....you're his roommate!
he will fold his clothes and not yours.....he feels no obligation to participate in any household/family activities, but retreats to "his room"
I'd get out of this marriage, and I'd hope and pray that it's not too late.....look at the pathetic example he's setting for your son as to how a marriage is.......
Yep.. that about sums it up. my sister told me to pack my bags and come to her house. She lives near by. i will definitely do that. Our son is 17 and he knows things have NOT been good, knows his father has issues and i hate to leave him but i know the husband won't leave. of course if I took another CD he might LOL....
I knew this was coming but it is still a shock after all these years. i think we stayed for the kid, or it was not financially an option to rent a place etc. his parents even told him once he WASN"T welcome there because they were afraid he would never move out and they are slowly downsizing from a house to condo.
I did consulting work before I landed a great government job and he had the nerve to ask me to QUIT my government job with retirement and free health insurance to go back to consulting as since I was gone on the road we got along but I made money hand over fist and was only home on weekends.
Nope.... just the CD's but that is enough... Once I got mad at the CD's and slapped some off their shelf. Boy I thought he was going to BLOW a gasket... you just don't TREAT his CD's that way !!! It is a sick obsesion.
he doesn't trust anyone. i don't have his password to his Email, he will never give me his debit card to run to store ( he has to come ) but it is OK for him to ask for MINE...
I had to open my own account because he kept overdrawing the other to buy CD's.. couldn't save a penny.He sleeps with his wallet in his pocket so no one can take his money along with his car keys in his pocket so no one will get in his car or take his spare change.He trusts no one yet I have a key to his car. he cashes his pay check and carries cash because he could never keep from going in the negative
Nope.. no one has ever stolen from his wallet. He is so obsessive about things that he is like that.He can go into MY wallet and take a dollar and leave an IOU but no one DARES to touch his stuff. He is paranoid our 17 yr old son or his friends will take his stuff and buy pot or beer because our son doesn't have a job and from time to time asks for money to go to movies or to McDonalds for his chore money or the money he is promised for doing extra work. No one has ever stolen money from his wallet. he has always kept in in his pants pocket !!!!
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation...It's hard to know that you have invested so much time in a relationship to have it end this way. Everyone wants to be loved and I can't imagine how hard it is, to know that your husband loves his music more than you. I can understand that he has a sickness, but after 20 years, you have paid your dues. Besides, as long as he has you to allow this sickness/obsession to continue by financially supporting him, he will not get any better.
As far as your son, if he is still in high-school or a minor, then you are responsible for his wellfare and I wouldn't suggest leaving him in the current situation. Especially since it sounds like you are the only stable parent. Maybe this environment is contributing to your son's problems? Put yourself in your son's shoes and ask if you would really like to be left behind in a house where you are constantly being put behind material objects and knowing that if you needed food or other necessities, that would have to come after the purchase of those material objects.
Well...wait...you have been there and you are making your move to get out. Your son doesn't have that choice or opportunity, so it's up to you to provide that for him, both legally and ethically.
If your sister can't/won't let you come with your child, then take the time to make other arrangements. And when the time comes, if your husband protests to the custody of your child, then tell him it's either that or you will go after half of his music collection in the divorce. If he choses the cd's, then you know you are right to get both of you out.
Life is short and it sounds like you are ready to start living it...
It may take a while to get back on your feet again after having to start over, especially considering you will have your son for another year or two...but imagine your new life in a few years. A secure home, time to pursue hobbies of your own and meet new friends and maybe even a new love life, with someone who loves you for you and who will put you on a pedistle for a change.
This is why I have never left before.... my son. He doesn't deserve to be left behind in this environment. One time I started to leave and take my son and I was blocked. My son was used as a pawn. My husband actually asked my son who he wanted to live with. I will not let my son suffer. However he is old enough to understand. He sees what is happening. There isn't room at my sister's for both of us as she is a single mother herself in a condo.But I know what I ahve to do. Even family is telling me I must leave. For a while he was taking medication for his OCD and was fine. Without his meds he is not fit to live with. But I have sacrificed enough long enough and it is NOT getting better.Thank you for all you support. You have told me what I already knew but needed confidence to do it !!!!
Holy crap. If you just conservatively estimate that each CD cost $10, he's got like $80K in music in that room.
And he won't help with the bills?
I would demand he see a therapist. Agree to leave his existing music collection alone, but if it were me I'd take control of the money, give him an allowance, and go to therapy with him. He's out of control.
It easy to see that you need to get out and the fact you have put up with him for so long because of your son, speaks to the kind of mom you are...but I have a 15 year old son...so I can't help but to think of your son. My concern would be that your husband would get worse after you left and end up taking it out on your son. Is that a possiblity? (Just so you know...I am not faulting you what so ever for feeling like you have to leave, even if it means leaving without your son...I feel for your situation, and understand that sometimes you just have to what you have to do. I hope you see my comments as the supportive type, not the critical type.)
What about this???? Contact a lawyer...legal aid, if you need too...but explain the situation to the lawyer and let him know that your husband is unstable and that you don't have the resources to get both of you out of the situation. See if he can't come up with a contact who can help you with some ideas for support, such as income based housing that is dependent on your ability to pay. We have those kind of apartments in the state I live in. Actually, I had a friend in that situation that received rent money from the state for the house she rented, so it's not just apartments. The state required it be up to code and that she lived alone with her children. I think the state paid something like 80% of her monthly rent. Just an idea for something temporary until you could get settled or until he was old enough to go out on his own and you could then go to be with your sister. Just throwing it out there for an idea.
Do you think your son would want to go with you? Or would he think you were forcing him? I know my son that age is really attached to his dad...that's why I asked. Your son is as such a hard age, when he thinks he's all grown up, but he still has a lot to learn. (Heaven forbid I try to tell my 15 year old anything. If I say the sky is blue, he will look at it and say, "No it's black". Drives me NUTS!)
By rights, if you left and filed, then your husband would be required to pay child support. Whether or not he can do that sounds debatable, but might be something to look into as well.
The poster before added up the value of the cd's as around 80k, I think? Even if you could only get half of that if he was forced to sell them, still leaves a large chunk of money. I wonder if he realizes that in most states the part of the collection he obtained after you were married, would proabaly be marital property and subject to division? I'm sure that would knock him off his rocker.
Best of luck in whatever you decide...I'm pullin for ya.