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Old 04-22-2010, 03:18 PM   #1
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Devastating break up

Hello. I met a wonderful man 18 months ago, sweet, charming, smart, handsome, and sensitive, very very sensitive. He seemed odd socially to my kids, did not get jokes, stared attimes, flat affect at times and could be very serious. WE loved the same things and developed compatibility sexually, emotionally, personally. He often emailed me long letters about his feelings for me but we spoke on the phone often as well. He pursued me with great speed and said I love you very early. I fell for him as well in time, just after I got to know him better. He took absolute care of me and my three children , he has one. My kids though him to be a bit awkward but loved his sense of control, organization, drive to do things and thoughtfulness. WE moved in together, he wanted marriage after 9 months and I said it was too quick, he seemed to want to seal the deal. almost immedietly after moving in he became anxious, shut down, withdrawn and would sulk at the slightest opinion that disagreed with him. I was dumfounded and thought I was going crazy. He pulled back sexually and that was very new as we had great, frequent sex. He was 50, I am 42, we were friends, soul mates and lovers. He came home on day after being particularly distant after a silly fight and said "I can't do it anymore" and my children and I moved out a month later. He went to stay in another home he owned as we had bought this one together. He assisted financially and moved us and helped us get into a home fifteen minutes away. He woud not see me, it has been two months and will not speak to me, says it would be too hard emotionally and that we need to heal and move forward and maybe we can form a relationship down the road in some form. He emails me onlyif I do him and he is cold emotionless and at times when I say that I am going to say goodbye and cut contact he becomes angry, very subtly.My kids and I are completely devastated as we loved him and after speaking with a therapist she for sure thinks he has Aspergers. He fits all the traits. Can anyone suggest if I should cut contact or continue to offer him reassurance with mynewfound understanding of him? He says he still loves me but we are incompatible because of how we deal with conflict, I resolve and he retreats. I became very angry twice at this and he never tried to understand and said that he could not. Should I try to see if he knows he has it or ask him to consider it or would that jeopardize a reconciliation. i know this is not a picnic to sign up for but I am a mother, a caring and loving woman who loves this man and wants a chanve to try again. He says nothing perosnal at this point and we have had NC for 2 weeks. I would like some guidance, he says he has peace and calm now so I know the home was too chaotic for him but why did he break it off instead of just haveing us seperate our homes and stay together, he was crying and very guilty about it all. thank you..

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Old 05-03-2010, 02:26 PM   #2
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Re: Devastating break up, he may have Aspergers

i feel for you! i was in the same siuation with my husband of 10 years..He wanted to move in straight away "seal the deal". He was very moody and displayed all the behaviour you mention. Just realise that you in are in for a "long road". I will be honest....he will need reassurance and lots of space. What i found difficult in my now broken marriage, is the emotionless attitude he would have alot of the time..It will be very difficult for you and the kids. As long as you understand this and dont take anything personally from him..even the "cutting comments". My advice.."leave it alone..and move on to a "happier person" who will love you and your family back xx

 
Old 05-04-2010, 05:53 AM   #3
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Re: Devastating break up, he may have Aspergers

Thx jade..wow so you can relate. Did your husband seem to change overnight after the marriage or move in? Did he know he had aspergers? I know its hard to be married to this diagnosis but he seemed to possess so many wonderful qualities that many men don't have..are they able to just emotionlessly walk away from a great relationship when they feel they have been wronged without looking back? He does not seem to have any feelings for me when we speak which was only once to say goodbye, its been almost three months, do they not realize what they had?

 
Old 05-07-2010, 06:51 AM   #4
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Re: Devastating break up, he may have Aspergers

hi again
i actually did notice unusual obsessive type behaviour before we got maried, but i liked how over-protective he was of me..i felt safe
when we moved in togther, as time went on, stressful situations just seemed to bring out the "angry person" in him..moody, emotionless. I couldnt understand why i couldnt get thru to him and this frustruated me so much..thats why when i noticed a site on the net, that described a womans angst over her husbands behaviour and he was add, it clicked with me. My husband was dyslexic as a child and had lots of behaviour issuesl. my beautiful little boy has behaviours that mimick his dad and it feels so strange.like history repeating itself.
Yes...my husband was exceptional, in the passion he had for certain things..he could be so passionate to the point of obsessive, which really amazed me
But then he'd have days where he couldnt get out of bed and he felt restless and he was very cutting and "mean"
So really, it was a complicated type of relationship because i felt that i really loved him but just couldnt get through to him alot of the time, as he felt like i was always "out to get him".
Does any of this seem familiar? living with a man with a psyhological issue is difficult. I lived with my husbnand for 13 years, an wanted to be with him forever but i just couldnt..id cry almost every night when i finally realised i couldnt do anything to help the situation.he was definitely "not" going to admit ther was anything wrong with him

 
Old 05-07-2010, 11:58 PM   #5
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Re: Devastating break up, he may have Aspergers

Wow jade that's identical to my ex. I wrote emails to him (his preferred method of communication even though we lived in the same home) asking him why I had become the enemy! He was paranoid and saw me as an adversary not an ally who loved him. He spoke that way of exes as well, all their fault no responsibity on him ever, no empathy for me, the kids etc, just cold. He was often cutting and mean. I lost twenty pounds and felt emotionally slammed aterward. I am only now getting on with life. I still feel compelled to tell him my suspicions. Are you still in contact with your ex? Does he have many short lived romances now until he is found out? I was number htree since his divorce but most ended after a year, when he started to relax, for us after moving in. I feel like he should know? Thanks for your insights, are you doing well moving on?

 
Old 06-07-2010, 10:25 AM   #6
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Re: Devastating break up, he may have Aspergers

Hi there,

I too only recently found out my live in b/f also has Aspergers, and it was this site that allowed me the relief of finally being able to find that missing piece of the puzzle.

There are many defining factors of Aspergers that can tie a person to this diagnosis, but I find that there are just as many misunderstandings about what AS really is offered on this site as well.

So many bitter hurt ppl, as there really are many, especially those that do not find the comfort in the knowledge that this is indeed a disability, not so much a personality issue.

Ive decided to embrace the AS idea with open arms & instead of asking him to change to fit my needs, I'm beginning to change to fit his..and without the conflict of such differances, and too high expectations from me, we have begun to live a much more stress free life..thank you HB for your direction..it has made ALL the diffearance to me.
The conflicts now soon just slip away like water under a bridge, understanding helps me so very much, and without holding him responsible for all my happiness, I have learned to just enjoy the positive experience he adds to my life, which are many..as you say you have as well...many. Men with AS are different, and its not always bad, it also attracted me to my s/o.

Love without expectations is actually called unconditional love, and once you remove the conditions you have set upon someone with AS, you will soon just see the love..and take it..take it for whats it worth, as for me..its the best purest love Ive ever had....maybe its not always easy, nothing worthwhile ever is easy.

He needs time, he needs space, he also needs to not be faced with conflict or expectations of resolution, this is what ive removed from my life, and now my life is working again..and oh so beautifilly..<edited> good luck..it can be WORTH it..it really can..

Last edited by mod-anon; 06-07-2010 at 12:17 PM. Reason: Please read the posting rules

 
Old 06-08-2010, 04:48 AM   #7
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Re: Devastating break up, he may have Aspergers

Hi kat...Thank you so much for your in spiring post, makie no mistake, i love this man and want to make this work as i know in my heart and have seenon his face the frustration of not knowing why things happen and why our conflicts occur when he did not mean them to go that way. I think he has been hurt by misunderstanding his whole life..
Well, it has been awhile since I posted so here is the update, i REALLY need some guidance from you and from the person that you referred to on here who helped you so much understand what is going on..
He has started to contact me, not in a businesslike and cold manner but opening up and talking about personal things, even a phone conversation, and he is sad, he misses me, has he said so, no he simply told our neighbor and then told me to call her. She told me everything, his tears, his regret, his shock at how things happened and they were not supposed to that way. it seems his "tantrum" of asking me to move out was meant to get me to take notice that he was confused etc but that it was up tot me to call his bluff and make thigs happen which in an NT relationship is called a "game", which I do not do. I believe he did not know how to stop the runaway train.

So, it seems we are in a precarious dance, when I reply with a bit too much emotion like saying that I miss him, he takes more time to reply and does not respond to the commnet. It seems as soon as he saw me go onwith my life, and it took an enormous effort, therapy, meds and the support of family and friends as I was devsatted, he then decided that he had regrest and lost a great thing. We still love each other but is fixtaed on how "different we are", he cannot live with the conflict the way that it went. Yes, I can change to adjust to him, he believes that he will never change, and has said as much. But, without the knowledge of a diagnosis, how do I make this happen, a slow and careful reconciliation???

I need to be careful that I do not shut him down again but I want this man in my life, it was a sweet and pure love. Thank you in advance for you help!!!!!!

Mooshy

 
Old 06-09-2010, 08:07 AM   #8
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Re: Devastating break up, he may have Aspergers

Mooshy..i will be happy to reply o you after I get home tonight. Hang in there ok :")

 
Old 06-10-2010, 06:13 AM   #9
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mooshy68 HB User
Re: Devastating break up, he may have Aspergers

Thanks Kat..look forward to it..I have a recent development to run past you and how to handle it...

 
Old 06-11-2010, 02:02 AM   #10
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Re: Devastating break up, he may have Aspergers

Hi Mooshy
i am doing well moving on..thank you Ive met a really nice guy and we are taking it slow
I KNOW how you feel about being compelled to tell him of your suspicions..im at that point now...i can almost guarantee you that he will admit there is NOTHING wrong with him and he will feel that YOU are the enemy
You could send him an article describing Aspergers..if he reads it..he will realise the behaviours he has are very similar
I am still in contact with my ex..very brief amounts due to us having children together
yes..he had a few very short relationships since our break up almost two years ago now..tho he is now with a girl who he has been with for about a year..She seems nice and i almost feel sorry for her knowing what she will be "in for" soon..However, I hope it works out for them for the sake of my kids stability.
Even though ive moved on i feel like i dont have real closure- ..just like you..wanting him to realise the way he is.. and possibly work on it.
Aspergers is a real psychogical condition which requires you to put that person first and copping the constant crap when things dont go his way..I finally decided i wanted to live the rest of my life "happy" and "deserving" of much more than i had..Life is too short Mooshy..Live it and LOVE YOURSELF!!

Good luck Mooshy

 
Old 06-11-2010, 06:52 PM   #11
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Re: Devastating break up, he may have Aspergers

Quote:
Originally Posted by mooshy68 View Post
Hi kat...Thank you so much for your in spiring post, makie no mistake, i love this man and want to make this work as i know in my heart and have seenon his face the frustration of not knowing why things happen and why our conflicts occur when he did not mean them to go that way. I think he has been hurt by misunderstanding his whole life..
Well, it has been awhile since I posted so here is the update, i REALLY need some guidance from you and from the person that you referred to on here who helped you so much understand what is going on..
He has started to contact me, not in a businesslike and cold manner but opening up and talking about personal things, even a phone conversation, and he is sad, he misses me, has he said so, no he simply told our neighbor and then told me to call her. She told me everything, his tears, his regret, his shock at how things happened and they were not supposed to that way. it seems his "tantrum" of asking me to move out was meant to get me to take notice that he was confused etc but that it was up tot me to call his bluff and make thigs happen which in an NT relationship is called a "game", which I do not do. I believe he did not know how to stop the runaway train.

So, it seems we are in a precarious dance, when I reply with a bit too much emotion like saying that I miss him, he takes more time to reply and does not respond to the commnet. It seems as soon as he saw me go onwith my life, and it took an enormous effort, therapy, meds and the support of family and friends as I was devsatted, he then decided that he had regrest and lost a great thing. We still love each other but is fixtaed on how "different we are", he cannot live with the conflict the way that it went. Yes, I can change to adjust to him, he believes that he will never change, and has said as much. But, without the knowledge of a diagnosis, how do I make this happen, a slow and careful reconciliation???

I need to be careful that I do not shut him down again but I want this man in my life, it was a sweet and pure love. Thank you in advance for you help!!!!!!

Mooshy
Hi again,

sorry we had a death in the family

I wish I could help you more. I know many ppl have negative & complicated relationships with men with AS, however I believe it doesnt have to be that way. So many ppl do not understand so much, that the lack of understanding can at times led you astray in what you believe may be the real reasons for
the withdrawing behaviors & shut downs or shut outs.I believe the more you know & understand, the more you are equipped to deal with what is not really a personal act against you. I know now that I see things in a less personal way, I am less affected by it, therefore he is less affected by it..this is no way means you should have no boundaries, we all need guidelines in which a fine line cannot be crossed, make a list..this will help.

I also know that there are many levels of AS, and not all men are the same, each person with AS is indeed an individual..so my case is not necessarily always gonna to be your experiences.

Honestly one thing I have begin to do is take a meditation class, for me..and as another poster put it.take care of yourself..no truer words can be spoken..as to love unconditionally is just that..to detach yourself from the conditions you place on another to make you happy.
Happiness comes from within, and you are the only one who can make you happy..truly.if you look within & find it, then no one can take that away from you.
if you put too much pressure on your s/o, b/f to make you happy, then you will be the only one that will be hurt when he does not rise to your expectations..take away the conditions you have placed that you think is him making you happy..and then you may find true unconditional love..and maybe its worth it..maybe not..no two roads traveled are ever the same, and as soon as you begin to not have expectations, you may be surprised of what he will offer..or what joy you may find within yourself.

 
Old 06-12-2010, 04:58 AM   #12
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Re: Devastating break up, he may have Aspergers

Kat thank you..your advice can be applied to every relationship, AS or not.. I will see him for the first time on Tuesday in 4 months, keep you posted..Again thank you..

 
Old 06-12-2010, 06:38 AM   #13
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Re: Devastating break up, he may have Aspergers

Yes exactly Good luck, keep me posted.

 
Old 06-27-2010, 12:39 AM   #14
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my little boy has aspergers..father in denial

Hi
I wanted to know if anyone else out there has a similar situation to myself and which way to go about dealing with it

My little boy has been in three "time outs" this term at school for misbehaviour. I am in the process of getting him diagnosed for aspergers so that there is an awareness in the school for my boy and we can work out ways of helping him through this

his father will not co-operate as i have mentioned to him previously that our boy finds it hard to process information etc..he wont admit that there is anything wrong with our boy

I am sure that my ex-partner has the same thing and had to deal with social problems at school etc

How can i go about getting him on ";my side" in dealing with our little boy?? If he knows im taking control of this situation he wont have a barr of it. . It needs to be out there so that it can be dealt with in a proper way at school, rather than teachers just judging him as a naughty boy..Things will only get worse if we allow ourselves to be in the dark about this.

All i want is for my husband to say "kay..lets do what he have to do to help him out.. lets diagnose him etc.."

Rather he is just dismissing it all as him being a cheeky boy. My boy is struggling internally and i am really worried about him and his behaviour.

What should by my next move from here?>

 
Old 06-29-2010, 02:51 AM   #15
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Re: Devastating break up, he may have Aspergers

I so undersand your pain and confusion. All I can share with you is my experience. Much the same as you in the beginning. I did notice odd things about him but I thought he was just intelligent and a bit eccentric. 3 months after we met he took me on a holiday on an island in Noumea. He was loving, sensitive, just wonderful. I moved in with him at his request. We have nearly 50% custody of his kids and it was tough, I think his daughter has aspergers,and is mum. To cut a long story short, after about 3 years he just couldn't cope any more. Tiny conflicts would arise and whilst I wanted resolution he just shut down, cut me out and would be mentally gone for a few days and then accuse me of causing confrontation. He took it really personally if I didn't agree with everything he said. He said some really strange things! Anyway, he started to wake me up in the night and tell me things were not working and it would be best if I left. he next day he couldn't understand why I was upset. Eventaually I moved out, only to move back 6 months later and now things are so bad I wish I had left for good. He has become spiteful, denies we are in a relationship, doesn't work, sleeps on his own for 12 hours a night and I am once again looking for somewhere to live. My understanding is that once they have treated you so badly there is no going back. I am certain he has aspergers and have given him a book about it. I don't understand how they come across as so loving and gentle when they start a relationship and then become so cruel. My advice would be stay away and find someone who can love you back. I am so sorry for your pain and confusion, I feel that same. Take care.

 
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