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Old 04-23-2010, 05:49 PM   #1
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boyfriend who cannot deal with change

my boyfriend and I have been together for 11 years and we will be moving in together shortly but instead of being happy he has this sense of doom around him...i always knew that he cannot handle a big change but this is suppose to be a happy time in our lives but instead i am depressed that he is acting like this...he knows that he is like this and told me that he will not be himself until he adapts...is this normal?

 
Old 04-23-2010, 07:52 PM   #2
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Re: boyfriend who cannot deal with change

Ummmmmm.......NOT AFTER 11 YEARS!!!!!!! It should definately not be that big of a change after being together for soooooo long. You completely know each other and what to expect. My guess is there are no secrets. The only thing that is going to change here is whether to keep his sofa or to bring in yours. This is a big step for couples who have been together for 1 or 2 years. But after 11, I dont know, maybe its just me, but it seems like the LEAST that should have happened by now. I can understand caution......but I'm still stuck on 11 years. I dont know.....do I think it's normal? Absolutely not. What should you do about it? I have no clue. If it were me, I wouldn't have lasted 11 years without more of a commitment. But that's just me. I dont really know what your looking for, your post was pretty short. But if your looking for a ring, and a wedding, or children.........ever...........I would really think twice about this. Good luck to you.

 
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Old 04-27-2010, 05:08 PM   #3
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Re: boyfriend who cannot deal with change

Perhaps you don't need to see it as commitment-phobic, and view it more as a "space" thing. Personally, I'm a very territorial guy and I simply like "my" space.

From a point of view that may give you a bit of a cross section of the male mind, my friends and I tend to give each other a hard time when one moves in with his girlfriend/wife. Things like candles appear, and posters of Johnny Cash giving a one finger salute get put into storage.

The sense of "doom" may simply be that he feels he's losing some of his identity through the means of his personal space. I know I can relate to that.

If that is that case, I wouldn't take a lot of offence. Just don't be overbearing with the merge I suppose.

 
Old 04-27-2010, 08:26 PM   #4
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Re: boyfriend who cannot deal with change

After ELEVEN YEARS, he should have adjusted by now. He's certainly had plenty of time to think about it!
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Old 04-28-2010, 09:25 AM   #5
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Re: boyfriend who cannot deal with change

Quote:
Originally Posted by jojo1968 View Post
my boyfriend and I have been together for 11 years and we will be moving in together shortly but instead of being happy he has this sense of doom around him...i always knew that he cannot handle a big change but this is suppose to be a happy time in our lives but instead i am depressed that he is acting like this...he knows that he is like this and told me that he will not be himself until he adapts...is this normal?
Quick question: are you moving into his place, your place, or a new, neutral place?

Last edited by River rocks; 04-28-2010 at 09:25 AM.

 
Old 04-28-2010, 10:51 AM   #6
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Re: boyfriend who cannot deal with change

Some people decide to never get married, they just live together and live their lives that way. If you're ok with never getting married then you should tell him it's fine and that's not in your plan.

But if you're still sticking around after such a long time and hoping one day he will change his mind, you're wasting your time. If he hasn't made up his mind in eleven years about you then it's not going to happen.

I think a huge part of his problem is that now that you're talking about living together you're assuming the next step is marriage and THAT is what is causing him to freak out because he clearly doesn't want marriage. But if you can agree to not get married and you're ok with that then tell him and maybe he won't be so freaked. But only tell him that if you really mean it otherwise it's pointless to continue this relationship if you want marriage while he clearly doesn't.

 
Old 04-28-2010, 11:05 AM   #7
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Re: boyfriend who cannot deal with change

Some people have an above-average fear of change and commitment. I'm one of them. I've been dating and living with my fiance for 9-1/2 and 9 years respectively, we're talking about getting married and it scares me. Realistically I know it shouldn't- we're already married for all intents and purposes- but it's still scary to me.

 
Old 04-28-2010, 11:09 PM   #8
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Re: boyfriend who cannot deal with change

You should tell him, being together now isnt going to change anything. Please assure him that you dont wanna get married. That might cheer him up a bit.

After 11 years, Im sure you are not expecting a ring from this guy after all these years, I know I wont. If I wanted marriage, it should have happened within the first 4-5 years considering we are both old enough and stable.

But I hope he at least gave you (POA) power of attorney incase he gets sick to be his decision maker and manage his finances. Most hospitals do not care even if you've been living together for years. If the patient's relatives comes and push you out of the door, you dont have any right to fight unless you're the POA.

Just like being married, a lot of change can happen for couples living together.
Now you're supposed to call the other person if you are coming home late or wont be coming home at all, worry about what to serve for dinner, entertaining her/his friends or family that might come to visit. Sharing your pets, sharing bathrooms and most of all bills, groceries and finances etc....

Sounds like exciting for women but not for guys. Hopefully he is just stress out and will come out of it. Communication is the key. Ask him what troubles him the most about the moving in together. If he continues to give you a cold shoulder, maybe delay the moving in for a while and let him come to you.
Let him know his actions are hurting you and you feel unwanted.

 
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