It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 04-25-2010, 01:24 PM   #1
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4
Iceman77 HB User
Help me work through this in a healthy way

My best friend in the world is a girl I met back in college. We've been friends now for nearly 9 years. We're each others best friend, confidant, and have always been incredibly close. We talk for hours daily, share stories and secrets we've told no one. Our individual happiness is linked to the others.

She recently broke up with her boyfriend of 5 years, and we've been working together to help her through it all. As tends to happen I think, we've gotten even closer, discovered a lot of feelings we have for each other, gotten very physical and intimate. We've connected in some very deep ways and it feels like more than a rebound. We've spent a lot of time together recently and it's felt right and natural.

As is normal, I think, she's now getting to a point in dealing with the breakup where she wants to go experience life, be free, go wild and crazy, learn things about herself and what she wants, and generally just spend time free of being the second half of something else. More than anything right now, she doesn't want to jump into a new relationship. I'm all for this. I know she needs to do these things to get back to feeling content and stable.

We've been going along so far, trying not to treat the time we spend together and the things we do as 'dates', but it's recently started to feel like that's exatcly what we're doing and it has her scared. She is afraid she'll lose this time she wants to spend alone. She tells me she wants her and I to happen and to work, but she can't do it until she takes this time on her own.

She's also decided that a part of her taking this time to be by herself, may be to go on dates with other people. I find myself feeling jealous. I picture her kissing or sleeping with someone else, and that makes me feel incredibly anxious and very hurt. I don't know if that's fair or selfish of me. I can picture myself sitting here alone in my room, knowing she's out with someone doing something crazy and wild, and it hurts.

So now the question is, how do we proceed from here? Now that we've established that this scares her and we need to slow down, what do we do? She is my best friend. I want to be there to talk her through things when she's struggling and needs advice. Do we see each other? Do we talk? As much as we normally do? Do we ignore what we're feeling? Do I ask her about what she's dong with her time? Do I ask her if she's been dating? How do I cope with these feelings of jealously? Is this fair?... And, any tips on being stronger in dealing with this?

Anyway I'm sorry this is so long. I hope you folks have some insight or advice on how I should handle these questions. I'd greatly appreciate it.

Last edited by Iceman77; 04-25-2010 at 01:29 PM.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 04-25-2010, 02:20 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,081
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: Help me work through this in a healthy way

I don't think she's being fair to you. If she wants her freedom and wants to go date other guys, that's what she should do, but she shouldn't expect you to sit at home and wait for her to decide when she's ready to come back to you, if ever.

If you can handle still being her friend, then that's fine, but if she wants her freedom, then she should take it. You need to cut off the romantic side of your relationship with her. Stop sleeping with her, or making out with her or whatever sexual, romantic stuff you do with her. I gotta say, she's being a bit silly about this. It's like she wants to have her cake and eat it, too. She wants to have her best buddy there for her to comfort her, a safe, loving, caring man who she knows is STD-free to sleep with, but she also wants to go out and party and sleep around. That's not fair to you. She's free to be as wild and free as she wants, but she needs to set you free as well. You need to go out and get yourself a life as well. Who knows, after you both date around for a year or so, and mature a little bit, you may find you both feel you belong together and will get back together romantically. But for now, the romantic side of your relationship needs to stop, full-stop. Can you love her enough as a friend to still be a platonic friend to her while she goes out and parties, hoping and wnating for nothing but her happiness, wherever she may find it? Think long and hard about that one.

 
Old 04-26-2010, 07:29 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,713
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: Help me work through this in a healthy way

Mmm, I am not sure if she is really being unfair to you. At least she is putting all her cards on the table and telling you exactly what she is up to. And it is not clear to me either that she is asking you to wait for her.

Anyway, I agree with LLM when she says you should get out as well and get a life for yourself. No, don't put all your eggs in one basket.

 
Old 04-26-2010, 08:10 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,371
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: Help me work through this in a healthy way

you'll just have to be patient.....let her go out in the dating world and see what's out there.....after she runs into a few liars, losers, players, etc, she will be running back into your arms.....that's my prediction. Just let her find out on her own how good you are for her. You can't force her.....but at the same time, you should also go out and date others. When she see's you're not sitting there waiting for her, that might hasten her decision.
Good luck!

 
Old 04-26-2010, 10:27 AM   #5
Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 434
caberg HB Usercaberg HB Usercaberg HB Usercaberg HB Usercaberg HB User
Re: Help me work through this in a healthy way

If it's right, it will happen. I met my wife with horrible timing. She was just coming off a bad breakup and wanted nothing to do with dating. When we met through mutual friends, we connected instantly and there was no turning back for either of us. If it's meant to be, there's no getting scared when things get too serious.

Your situation is a little different because you've known this girl for so long. Both of you should know whether this is it, or not. If it is, then timing shouldn't be an issue--it's only an excuse.

 
Old 04-26-2010, 03:22 PM   #6
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4
Iceman77 HB User
Re: Help me work through this in a healthy way

Thank you all so much for your responses. I have a few more things to say/questions to ask, if you're all up for helping me out a bit more.


Quote:
I don't think she's being fair to you. If she wants her freedom and wants to go date other guys, that's what she should do, but she shouldn't expect you to sit at home and wait for her to decide when she's ready to come back to you, if ever.
Quote:
Mmm, I am not sure if she is really being unfair to you. At least she is putting all her cards on the table and telling you exactly what she is up to. And it is not clear to me either that she is asking you to wait for her.
To this point, she has laid her hand out and she has told me what she thinks she needs to do, but at the same time she talks about our future together when she's done with this self discovery part. She plans it in her head, she talks about how much she cares for, needs and wants me... So, yes, she has laid out that she needs this time, but she's also outlining a future for us when she's done with this. I don't know how to react to that. She hasn't said 'wait for me'. or 'don't date while I'm doing this', but it's in how we are together and the things she says.


Quote:
you'll just have to be patient.....let her go out in the dating world and see what's out there.....after she runs into a few liars, losers, players, etc, she will be running back into your arms.....that's my prediction. Just let her find out on her own how good you are for her.
There's the tough part. Her going out on a date with someone and flirting and haveing fun, only makes my stomach churn a little bit... But thinking of her going on date number 4,5,6,7,8 with someone really knots me up. Both the dates themselves, and the things expected as dates with someone progress. Can I handle this if she fools around or sleeps with someone else in order to 'learn more about herself'? I don't know. Should she tell me? Is it fair to me? Am I being selfish? This is the only part of her taking this time alone that makes me sick to my stomach. Picturing this woman, that I know is right for me, with another guy... Yuck.

Could I go out and date myself? Maybe, but the idea of it feels wrong to me. I feel I'd be being unfair to myself and whoever I take out on a date because I know where my heart is.

Quote:
If it's right, it will happen.
Quote:
Your situation is a little different because you've known this girl for so long. Both of you should know whether this is it, or not. If it is, then timing shouldn't be an issue--it's only an excuse.
And here's the rub with the whole situation. I feel this way, and I believe she does too. It's in her words and actions, or at least, in the ones she says when she's not talking about taking this time to explore or how difficult the baggage from the breakup is. I feel like she's convinced herself that she can't take time to go a little crazy and still be close with me. I'm not convinced of that.

If this is just an excuse? If she is just scared to admit it because of everything she's going through outside of her and I, what can I do? I can't push or direct her to see it can I? She's in a fog, it's so clear to me. But is it something I can clear away for her, or does she need to clear this fog on her own?



So basically it boils down to this:

I want her to take this time to clear her head and find some contentment and clarity, because when she does I know she'll see that what her and I have is right and natural. I know she'll be happy.
So if she feels she needs to take her freedom, then I want her to...

But I don't know how to do this if she's dating others, especially if I know she's fooling around or sleeping with someone. I don't know how I'd recover. I of course, can't forbid her from doing what she wants to do. But can I at least let her know how these actions would affect me? Is that fair? Is it selfish? How do people deal with this?

Last edited by Iceman77; 04-26-2010 at 03:25 PM.

 
Old 04-26-2010, 04:08 PM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
River rocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Riverside
Posts: 506
River rocks HB User
Re: Help me work through this in a healthy way

Quote:
Originally Posted by Iceman77 View Post
I of course, can't forbid her from doing what she wants to do. But can I at least let her know how these actions would affect me? Is that fair? Is it selfish? How do people deal with this?
Well different people would deal with it in different ways, some good and some bad. The best way to deal with it is to deal with it graciously.
By gracious I mean let her go and venture out without butting in. But you can still tell her you care for her greatly and it is your greatest hope that she does not get hurt, or that she finds what she is looking for.

It may be that she is looking for you but doesn't realize it yet. She needs to figure that out by herself. Sting said it..."free free, set them free" Cheesy but true.

 
Old 04-26-2010, 08:11 PM   #8
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,081
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: Help me work through this in a healthy way

This is the trouble with this kind of situation. You are running the reisk of getting very hurt and having some serious damage done to your self esteem if you look at it like this. Like you are still "together" but you are "allowing" her the freedom to see what else is out there, to date and sleep with other men while you stay home eating your heart out, driving yourself crazy with images of what she's doing with these other guys. Some people have the mental and moral make up to be able to do that and be ok with it, but obviously you are not one of these people, and that's ok. You are who you are.

The bottom line is, she doesn't want to be with you right now, and you can't make her want to be with you. But I just don't see the sense in you playing the martyr in this situation and sitting at home while she goes out and has her fun, and her maybe coming back to you when she's done, and maybe not. If you were a woman being told by her man that he needs to go out and sleep around before he can commit to her and that she should stay home and wait for him, I'd tell her the same thing I'm telling you. She may not have come out and told you to wait for her, but it's implied that's what she expects you to do, as it's quite clear that's what you want to do and what you are plainning to do. I think the only way you can do this and keep your self respect and your sanity is to end the romantic, sexual part of your relationship and just be her friend, her platonic buddy, with no claim on her at all. I wouldn't expect a woman to sit home eating her heart out while her man went sleeping around with other women to "find himself" so I don't know why you should be expected to.

All you can do is let her know you love her and care about her and want her to be happy, and let her go her way and live her life as she will, and then you go and move on with your life as well. If at some point the two of you meet up and she's free and you're free and you both are ready to try a serious, exclusive relationship again, then great. But this sitting around going nuts waiting at home while she goes sleeping around, that will drive you crazy. I don't think you should do it, even if it means losing her. Better her than your sanity and self respect. set her free, release any claim you feel you have on her, and don't think of it as "some guy's out there sleeping with MY girl." She's not your girl. And she may never be your girl. It would be foolish to waste your life waiting for her. Let her live your life, and you go out and live your own. You may think she is where your heart is now, but sometimes, we put our heart where it doesn't belong and we need to get it back until we can find a proper, suitable home for it.

 
Old 04-27-2010, 01:26 AM   #9
Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 462
Ely4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB UserEly4 HB User
Re: Help me work through this in a healthy way

I have to agree with Larrylou'smom.

How would she feel if it was the other way around and you wanted time out to sleep around with other people while she waited for you? You can't guarantee that she'll be back when she's "found herself". She might meet someone new to start a proper relationship with.

Bottom line is you're her safety net. Let her go, you don't really have any choice in that, but move on yourself. If she decides to come back to you then you can decide if that's what you want at that time.

 
Old 04-27-2010, 05:03 AM   #10
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
trystme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,101
trystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB User
Re: Help me work through this in a healthy way

It sounds to me like she is stringing you along. She is talking out of both sides of her mouth. If she wanted you, she'd have you. She just wants you there as her back up plan. Sorry.

 
Old 04-27-2010, 11:12 AM   #11
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4
Iceman77 HB User
Re: Help me work through this in a healthy way

I know, I know. You're all right about this. And thank you all again for taking the time to respond.

But how do you let go? Easy question, right?

It seems like such a feat. We're still talking daily, for hours at a time, and the idea of changing this is painful.

I have notes from her which basically equate to love letters. They're full of things no one has ever told me before. Full of emotions, feelings and heart-felt thoughts about me and us being together. When I sit here plotting out what I'm going to say to her about us letting go of the romantic side of things, my mind keeps floating back to these letters. Ignoring them is hard.

From what I'm putting together, thanks to you all, it seems like I need to forget about the things she's said and done in relation to her and I, because her desire to take some time to be free, trumps anything she might tell me she's feeling about me or us. At least right now. If her taking this time to herself is what she wants then no amount of me pointing out the feelings she has expressed up until now will change her mind. She needs to make the choice herself. I think I understand that now. We have to stop the romance side of things.

The dating people thing will have me in knots. This is a little off the main point, but for a variety of reasons (other than just her being an attractive female) she's in a much, much better situation and has a much better chance of finding dates than I do. She's already been asked out twice since Saturday. So I do have this fear of us coming to this understanding, us going our seperate dating ways, me striking out on the dating front and her succeeding in every way. That's hard to swallow. I know this is more of a fear than a fact, but it still scares me. She might go along thinking everything is fine because I'm out trying to date too, but that won't be how I'm really feeling.

That's like getting hit, very hard, three times. 1. We're not together, 2. She's on dates with others, and 3. I can't date her or find anyone else... Ouch. That's a Super-lonley feeling...

 
Old 04-27-2010, 11:39 AM   #12
Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 434
caberg HB Usercaberg HB Usercaberg HB Usercaberg HB Usercaberg HB User
Re: Help me work through this in a healthy way

Quote:
Originally Posted by Iceman77 View Post
But I don't know how to do this if she's dating others, especially if I know she's fooling around or sleeping with someone. I don't know how I'd recover. I of course, can't forbid her from doing what she wants to do. But can I at least let her know how these actions would affect me? Is that fair? Is it selfish? How do people deal with this?
If she's doing this, then you two don't have hope for a relationship, in my view. If she needs time and a little space, maybe that's one thing; if she wants to go sleep around with other guys, that's a whole other thing. If the latter situation is true, I don't think she has the feelings for you that you think she does (or should). Sorry.

 
Old 04-27-2010, 03:24 PM   #13
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 931
digmusic HB Userdigmusic HB Userdigmusic HB Userdigmusic HB User
Re: Help me work through this in a healthy way

Yuck. This situation sucks. I know it's hard when people give you logical advice like "you need to go your separate ways" and you need to "let her go" and it's like... how? You probably get that empty, painful feeling in your stomach and chest when you think about it. I hate it. Unfortunately, I think unless she has a total change of mind and heart, those feelings are going to be associated with this situation. In my view, you can heal now, or you can continue on and make the pain last even longer. If I really wanted to be with a man, I would want to make sure he was mine. I wouldn't risk dating others and losing him as a result. Maybe she thinks she can do whatever and you'll always still be there. I think you should "break up" even though you aren't together and start healing now. I think you will just have more heartbreak if she starts dating other people. You're in the friend zone even if you have been intimate. I can see her starting to date a new guy and continuing to date him. Do you really wanna be waiting then? I think you should be more assertive with her and tell her that you aren't going to be strung along. She may not even know she is doing it, but she is. Sorry this is so painful. I just really see it becoming even worse if you don't act now. If she ever is going to come to you, she would do it in response to you being assertive/pulling away, but don't bank on it and don't do it just for that reason.

 
Old 04-27-2010, 05:57 PM   #14
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 4
Iceman77 HB User
Re: Help me work through this in a healthy way



I wish I knew how to word this right when I talk to her.

Quote:
If she wanted you, she'd have you.
Quote:
If I really wanted to be with a man, I would want to make sure he was mine. I wouldn't risk dating others and losing him as a result.
Quote:
If she needs time and a little space, maybe that's one thing; if she wants to go sleep around with other guys, that's a whole other thing.
Can I fairly bring these kinds of points up to her?

Honestly, I can handle every aspect of her taking this free time and space, but the dating part. Is it even worth bringing that up, or am I just dragging things out?

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Please help me reach my health goals. flpete88 General Health 1 03-02-2010 08:18 AM
Do Vitamins help Antidepressants work better ? cvoor Depression 12 09-01-2009 08:54 AM
I just need help because I hate myself so much. I am so fat. luv2sing Weight Loss 25 04-08-2008 04:35 PM
Please help me with my asthma related anxiety issues. Kyndal Asthma 11 09-07-2007 07:00 PM
18 Year old in need of help. Doctor wont listen! HIGH BP ked7 High & Low Blood Pressure 13 11-06-2006 01:05 AM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (274), rosequartz (255), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (160), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (105), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1015), Apollo123 (911), Titchou (861), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (763), ladybud (758), midwest1 (671), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:30 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.com™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!