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Old 04-26-2010, 07:31 AM   #1
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Is my boyfriend sleeping with an older women?

I'm almost 19 and in college. My boyfriend is not in college and he's almost 21, and very good looking.
We have a few mutual friends, and 2 of our mutual friends (who are guys) have slept with an older woman, Cindy, who is married and having martial troubles.

Cindy is giving my boyfriend rides, when he needs it because his car broke down. A few days ago, my boyfriend had Cindy (he was with her), come and pick me up, and we went back to Cindy's place to spend the night. She let us stay in her small vacant, but furnished rental house. Cindy is not rich by any means, she just has a very small studio house for rent. Cindy's house was right across the street. She's about 26 and about a size 12, I'm about a size 4. My boyfriend is about 150 lbs, not very big. I'm a lot younger and cuter than Cindy, meaning I'm not jealous, I just don't believe in sharing my boyfriend, but I don't want to be too possessive either.

This situation is bothering me. Why would she do all of this for my boyfriend or for us? I didn't really think he was sleeping with her, but then I found out a couple of the other guys have slept with her. Why would she pick me up for him and let us stay in her rental? Is my boyfriend sleeping with her? Or, is this what she's hoping for in the future? Or does it sound like she really just wants a friend in him? I know I could ask him, but I don't know if I would believe the answer, so I'm asking for opinions just from looking at the situation.


Help.

Last edited by restles2010; 04-26-2010 at 07:51 AM.

 
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Old 04-26-2010, 07:44 AM   #2
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Re: Is my boyfriend sleeping with an older women?

Well from what you have said, there isn't much to ready into. And I'm not really sure what your body types have anything to do with the situation. But to make a possibly long story short, talk to him about it. You may not believe his answer, and that might be the clue you need. If something just seems off, or there is some extreme overreaction, or underreaction, and you still just have a bad feeling, then I would listen to that inner voice and do what you think is right. Then again, maybe she's just lonely and hard up for friends right now and once you talk to your boyfriend you will get a much better sense of things. You cant hurt by asking. Good luck.
Melissa

 
Old 04-26-2010, 07:52 AM   #3
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Re: Is my boyfriend sleeping with an older women?

Quote:
Originally Posted by justmel30 View Post
Well from what you have said, there isn't much to ready into. And I'm not really sure what your body types have anything to do with the situation. But to make a possibly long story short, talk to him about it. You may not believe his answer, and that might be the clue you need. If something just seems off, or there is some extreme overreaction, or underreaction, and you still just have a bad feeling, then I would listen to that inner voice and do what you think is right. Then again, maybe she's just lonely and hard up for friends right now and once you talk to your boyfriend you will get a much better sense of things. You cant hurt by asking. Good luck.
Melissa
The fact that he picked me up with her, he's already saying they are "just friends" by doing that, so if I say anything it would be an accusation, and I would sound silly, especially since I spent the night with him practically right in front of her.

So I really need honest opinions, lots of them.

Last edited by restles2010; 04-26-2010 at 08:00 AM.

 
Old 04-26-2010, 09:50 AM   #4
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Re: Is my boyfriend sleeping with an older women?

I'd be cautious. Not accusing or jealous, just observant. And that is just because the woman has a history of sleeping with younger men and outside of marriage.
Were the other guys she slept with in relationships?

 
Old 04-26-2010, 12:39 PM   #5
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Re: Is my boyfriend sleeping with an older women?

I'm not really understanding what you are getting at. Your first question was if anyone thought that he was sleeping with her. I said that right now, there isn't much to read into. Ok, so he had her in the car, but it isn't exactly like he went out of his way to hide it from you. I can understand that it makes you uncomfortable.....so like I said, why dont you ask him? Your second comment doesn't really make a lot of sense. Ever hear the expression that when we assume, you make an a** out of you and me? You cant possibly know all there is to know until you ask. I dont mean that you have to come right out and say, Hey, are you sleeping with her? But it wouldn't hurt to say, why is she around so much lately, and add to it that it makes you uncomfortable because she has a reputation of sleeping with other men. Then take a clue from there. If he overreacts and says you have no right, or that you have a dirty mind or something.....then yeah, there is a problem there. Likewise if he defends her, or completely blows you off, then there is a problem there. If he is willing to talk to you and listen to your concerns and come to an agreeable situation, then there is no problem there. It really isn't that hard.

 
Old 04-26-2010, 02:25 PM   #6
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Re: Is my boyfriend sleeping with an older women?

^It's not easy for me, it's hard for me. I don't know much about relationships and we've just started to get serious, and it's only been about 4 months together. It's not like I have a right to get very possessive right now.

When we stayed in the rental house, he's acting in love with me and acting like he wants to get more serious, and out of this I'm supposed to say "are you sleeping with that older, chubby married women" who you had pick me and let us stay in her rental house she owns with her husband?

So I'm asking here. If I can get some help and some opinions it would help me in what I'll decide to say and do, but telling me to ask him and read his thoughts isn't going to help. If I felt I could just ask, I wouldn't be here asking for help.

Last edited by restles2010; 04-26-2010 at 02:28 PM.

 
Old 04-26-2010, 03:02 PM   #7
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Re: Is my boyfriend sleeping with an older women?

This might be hard to explain but I'll give it a try. If you could, read this understanding that my intent is honestly to just try and explain the feeling that I get when reading your post.

Assuming the stories you are hearing are true, you feel like there are some red flags about this woman being around your boyfriend. If those stories are true (and they may or may not be, or one of the two may be....guy do tend to embellish you know) you might have some valid reasons for keeping your eye on things. You see this woman being too generous and therefore, she might have an ulterior motive. However, and this is where you have to be open to criticism, the way you express your concerns makes you sound very immature for 19, recognizing that 19 is young.

The fact is, she is only 5 years older than your boyfriend. You may see that as a huge gap and the woman as being very old, but adopting that attitude about her will not protect your relationship. Your being smaller and younger won't keep your boyfriend from wandering if he wants to wander. So trying to measure your appeal to her appeal isn't going to give you any sort of answer as to whether or not your BF might or might not cheat. If it were that simple, Prince Charles would have never run around with Camilla. (do a search if that makes no sense to you)

As suggested, you'll have to talk to your boyfriend. Or let it go and just watch and see how things play out. But based on the info you've given, I wouldn't worry about it too much. She might just think of the two of you as potential friends. If she is going to end up single, she might be thinking (apparently incorrectly) that it's not such a huge age gap that friendship wouldn't be possible. Just a possibility.

 
Old 04-26-2010, 03:07 PM   #8
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Re: Is my boyfriend sleeping with an older women?

The only mature way to handle conflicts and concerns in a relationship is to talk them out. No one said for you to flat out ask if he's sleeping with the "chubby" older woman! But you can, in a very mature and calm way, just say to him that you've heard things about this woman tending to sleep around and that it seems strange to you that she wants to hang around him. You don't have to sound accusing and you don't have to call her names or put her down (size 12 is chubby now...I had to laugh at that one, since the "average" American woman is a size 10). But that's irrelevant...you can have a mature conversation about your concerns without sounding whiny, insecure, demanding, jealous or possessive.
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Old 04-26-2010, 04:46 PM   #9
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Re: Is my boyfriend sleeping with an older women?

I can see the "chubby" comment is bothering some people. I don't think a size 12 is fat, so I said "chubby" because she's chubby compared to me. I didn't say fat, I just didn't know how to I say that I'm more attractive and not jealous? What I'm trying to say is that my boyfriend wouldn't have any serious interest in this woman other than an affair, and I don't think he wants an affair with this woman. I think she's closer to 28 or 30. I've known him for several years and he's liked me for several years, so in the Charles Dianna situation, I would be Camilla to him, not the women who is 10 years older than he is. I'm not a younger women like Dianna to Charles. I'm in his age range, and this women isn't. He's been acting very smitten with me.

So I hope I'm not offending anyone, I'm just trying to explain the situation.

I just don't like it, it's too close for comfort to me. I may ask him, but I'm not sure what to do at this point. I don't want to sound insecure since guy friends give me rides sometimes, but they don't pick up my boyfriend for me and give us a place to stay.

Last edited by restles2010; 04-26-2010 at 04:58 PM.

 
Old 04-26-2010, 05:27 PM   #10
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Re: Is my boyfriend sleeping with an older women?

Well insecure is when you you either bottle it all up, never say anything, and get all whiney and pouty but never give an explanation. Or else when you start complaining and whining all the time and trying to manipulate a situation with all of the whiney behavior. But poking around and giving your stand on a situation is not being insecure. It is being healthy and mature. Now I dont mean to hammer the guy for 11 hours with questions and criticism. But this is how adults handle these situations. Also, the average size of american women is actually a size 14, and honey, size has nothing to do with it. Your behavior right now is much more telling of somebody insecure then it would be if you just talked to him. Then you will have a better feel of the situation and should be able to tell what your next move is. And the Charles and Camilla statement wasn't in relevance to their age......it was about the looks. Best of luck to you!
Melissa

 
Old 04-26-2010, 05:39 PM   #11
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Re: Is my boyfriend sleeping with an older women?

You haven't really provided any kind of "proof" or even some kind of evidence that he is sleeping with her. I'm not sure I understand why, her picking you up and letting you sleep over would make you think he is cheating with her. That doesn't make any sense to me. If he was hiding his interaction with her and being secretive about spending any kind of time with her, THEN I'd be suspicious, but he isn't doing that at all. He is being totally open about the whole thing.

So what exactly is the problem here?

Last edited by Kszan; 04-26-2010 at 05:40 PM.

 
Old 04-27-2010, 05:47 AM   #12
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Re: Is my boyfriend sleeping with an older women?

Just talk to him about it. Tell him you don't trust her and ask if she has ever made any moves on him. Tell them that because you don't trust her that you'd rather that they not be alone.

 
Old 04-27-2010, 05:12 PM   #13
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Re: Is my boyfriend sleeping with an older women?

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Originally Posted by Kszan View Post
You haven't really provided any kind of "proof" or even some kind of evidence that he is sleeping with her. I'm not sure I understand why, her picking you up and letting you sleep over would make you think he is cheating with her. That doesn't make any sense to me. If he was hiding his interaction with her and being secretive about spending any kind of time with her, THEN I'd be suspicious, but he isn't doing that at all. He is being totally open about the whole thing.

So what exactly is the problem here?
These are my thoughts, but I cannot help but wonder why she is doing this for us, does she want us to rent her apartment house? Why would she do so much for him? My boyfriend is also sort of shy around me, he acts in love, but kind of shy. So it's hard to address too many issues with him right now. How do I say, "What's your relationship and how did you meet her, how do you know each other?" That's what I'm going to ask.

Last edited by restles2010; 04-27-2010 at 05:23 PM.

 
Old 04-27-2010, 05:13 PM   #14
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Re: Is my boyfriend sleeping with an older women?

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Originally Posted by trystme View Post
Just talk to him about it. Tell him you don't trust her and ask if she has ever made any moves on him. Tell them that because you don't trust her that you'd rather that they not be alone.
Good idea. Thanks.

 
Old 04-27-2010, 05:22 PM   #15
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Re: Is my boyfriend sleeping with an older women?

Quote:
Originally Posted by justmel30 View Post
Well insecure is when you you either bottle it all up, never say anything, and get all whiney and pouty but never give an explanation. Or else when you start complaining and whining all the time and trying to manipulate a situation with all of the whiney behavior. But poking around and giving your stand on a situation is not being insecure. It is being healthy and mature. Now I dont mean to hammer the guy for 11 hours with questions and criticism. But this is how adults handle these situations. Also, the average size of american women is actually a size 14, and honey, size has nothing to do with it. Your behavior right now is much more telling of somebody insecure then it would be if you just talked to him. Then you will have a better feel of the situation and should be able to tell what your next move is. And the Charles and Camilla statement wasn't in relevance to their age......it was about the looks. Best of luck to you!
Melissa

Thanks for the info, I think size does have something to do with it when I look at his past girlfriends and the body type he prefers. I'm allowed to say my body is hotter than hers, I'm allowed to feel that way because I'm allowed to be confident right? She shouldn't be doing favors for my young hot boyfriend if she doesn't want a comparison. If she can't handle the heat, she should get out of fire. LOL

I think Camilla was Charles' age, and his young love, even though she wasn't as attractive as Diana, right? Maybe why he likes her? They seem right for one another. That's what I was saying, which is also what I'm saying in my situation.

Maybe a much more "mature" women shouldn't be putting me in this position. Is that really very "mature" of her to do that? Why is she doing it? What's the motivation there?

Last edited by restles2010; 04-27-2010 at 05:28 PM.

 
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