So I don’t know how most people feel about loyalty in their friendships…?
To make a long story short, my fiancés ex gf has been malicious toward me ever since he and I started dating several years ago. It started out with insults behind my back and online. She went so far as to physically attack me. (It was unprovoked by me, she snuck up behind me.) I was afraid for a long time afterward. I don’t gossip about her, because I don’t want it getting back to her, as we know many of the same people. So I keep my mouth shut.
Anyway, I was out with friends recently, talking to my friend “Todd,” and the ex came up and insulted me to my face (even tossed her hair if you can believe that). I ignored it. After she went inside, I commented to Todd how hurtful that was, and Todd said that he still thinks she’s “a great person.” Wow, thanks dude. I didn’t expect him to punch her out or anything, but geez, a tiny bit of support would’ve been nice. I was hurt, and it seemed unnecessary for him to add that remark. Now that I think of it, he has made similar comments to me since the physical attack, telling me how wonderful he thinks she is.
I know that some of my friends are friends with the ex, and that’s life of course, but they don’t bring her up in conversation with me or purposely tell me how wonderful she is, which I’m grateful for. I’ll say hello and be polite to Todd, but I don’t feel like reaching out to him for friendship any longer. It doesn’t feel right. My fiancé is disappointed in Todd’s attitude also, and thinks I should reassess my friendship with him. He thinks Todd is trying too hard to be a neutral party, and that doesn't always work.
I guess my question is, would you still speak to Todd if you were me? To what extent? Would you tell him that you are hurt, or say nothing and distance yourself?
I would probably email Todd, and tell him how you felt. (or you could call, I;m jst saying that I am better with email) Don't attack him, just tell him you were hurt by his words. I think that the tactful thing for him to do at the moment that the insult was dished out would have been to validate your feelings and listen to you without having to defend her. I think it lacked a bit of tact and sensitivity to tell you they think someone who just insulted you is "great person".
I would politely say hello the next time you see him and then move on. No making plans with him or hanging out or anything. If he asks what's wrong, maybe explain to him that what he said made you feel uncomfortable and a bit hurt. If he's a pretty good friend, he'll probably feel bad.
Any chance Todd wants to date your fiance's ex?
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong
You seem to be having an aweful lot of problems with your friends lately. Its hard when a friend tries to remain neutral in a situation like this. However, that is his right. If you want him to choose between the two of you, well that's like asking your spouse to choose between you and his mother. It is a very difficult position to hold. If your intention is to not talk to him again, that is your right. I can't tell you what to do, but like I told you before, I would try to put yourself in your friends shoes before you make that decision and try to see why he is comming up with this opinion. Perhaps if you knew more of "the story of her", then you might have a better idea of why he feels a need remain supportive of her. There are allways two sides to every story, and there is no telling what her side is. Now that doesn't mean she has the right to attack you. I would like to know why you never applied for a restraining order against somebody who physically attacked you so unprovoked. That part just doesn't seem to make any sense to me. Anyway, I hope you figure it all out. Sounds like you are going through a bit of a hard time right now. Good luck to you.
Well, after having read the responses, talking to friends, and having a really good workout, I've decided I'm going to let my friendship with Todd die a natural death. I'll be civil if and when I see him, but that's all I can give. I don't need to let him know anything unless he asks, then I'll just have to be honest about it.
As for friendship problems, I am at a point in life where I realize I have so many AWESOME, trustworthy, supportive people around me that I don't need to waste any more time on people who bring me down and hurt me. I'd rather spend my time with people of integrity that reciprocate my friendship, and make me feel better, not worse.
Regarding the restraining order idea, I don't want to divulge too many details here, but basically she was told not to come back to The Place after she attacked me for a period of several months. I thought about pressing charges, but since I fought back (for once), it was considered "mutual combat." After that period of time passed, I was able to mentally recover, so it wasn't so bad when she showed up again. I have a lot of friends who promised to watch my back, which is better than a piece of paper, IMO. BTW, she has gotten into four similar fights that I am aware of, there are probably more. She thrives on stirring up trouble, and prides herself on being a "tough girl."
Relying on your friends to "cover your back", or in otherwords, fight your battles for you is never a fair thing to expect. And I have never heard of a situation where somebody attacks somebody for no reason, with lots of whitnesses around, where protecting yourself is considered a mutual form of combat. It's normally completely acceptable to protect yourself. I dont know, sounds kind of fishy to me.