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Old 04-26-2010, 05:16 PM   #1
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the ex is back

Okay guys, I need some advice, i'm only 21yrs old and everyone is always telling me how i have to take my time in finding the right person to be with. I need some people who know and have more experience with this subject.

my ex bf whom i hadn't had any contact for 5 months after a very messy and emotional break up is back in my life, we're both terrified because we're scared of the past. We're together, but not officially. Everyone is telling me to just ride of the wave and see what happens, they say this because i am young and this is the way these things go.

last night while celebrating his 21st birthday he got very drunk and started confessing all of his confusion towards his feelings for me, he told me how he has never felt so close to someone and how if he hurts me he would only hurt himself more. He said he is confused and doesnt know what to do. We've sort of agreed upon simply staying "friends" and seeing how things develop.

I suppose the problem is that I do want to get back together, but I know that it isn't the right time, but this word "friends" scares me because I know that we will never simply be "friends". We can say that, but we will continue to act like we're together.

for now i guess doing nothing is best, just letting it all play out, i dont know if i'm strong enough for that, can anyone give me some advice?

 
Old 04-27-2010, 07:24 AM   #2
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Re: the ex is back

Yes, there are answers. The answer is to just BE friends, and if you can't, then come to a place where you are good with him not being around anymore. Here's the thing, . . . you are still very young, . . . and relationship things usually cause a person to think about the situation with a MUCH greater emotional brain than a rational one. If things aren't good with this guy [a tough breakup 5 months ago, and touchy stuff right now], then take the hint that he isn't someone you should squander a lot of your time on.

As I said, you are still very young. Let yourself find someone who you BOTH will be on the same page, and you won't have a reason to come on to a site like this except to relay your story of good fortune.

Good luck.
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Old 04-27-2010, 08:42 AM   #3
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Re: the ex is back

thank you for the advice, I suppose that at this point we really enjoy being with each other, but I guess just being "friends" will be okay.

I've been talking to different people and they've all said to simply stay "friends" and do whatever we want with that, that we're young and that all of this is normal, we have a lot of growing to do and that maybe down the line things will get better or they may not but to simply live in the moment and keep living and stop taking everything so seriously.

I guess that's the only thing that will work right now.

 
Old 04-27-2010, 08:49 AM   #4
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Re: the ex is back

also, it's not that things are bad with him, because they aren't, i suppose it's just me being all insecure and wanted something more serious, but i need to let that go and simply have fun and enjoy whatever we have until it either progresses or simply dies on its own.

 
Old 04-27-2010, 09:04 AM   #5
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Re: the ex is back

What was the reason for the breakup? That info might help with advice here.
As for being "friends"..that can be difficult when you both still have romantic feelings.
its a slippery slope, one that very often lead to "Freinds with benefits". And from what I've seen, FWB's never leads to commitment. It only makes the pain worse because emotions get muddy.

So if you CAN truly be friends, that means no sex, no intimacy, and lines must be drawn.

 
Old 04-27-2010, 09:06 AM   #6
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Re: the ex is back

Something "more serious" will be found, later on. Don't let "serious" happen too soon, and with the wrong person. You will be better off setting "serious" aside for a few years.

Blessings.
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Old 04-27-2010, 09:20 AM   #7
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Re: the ex is back

Yeah, i suppose the problem is that I get all clingy and I really need to stop
i'm just not sure how...

 
Old 04-27-2010, 01:25 PM   #8
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Re: the ex is back

Understandable, because it makes a person feel good when another person likes them back and the human condition is to keep that going.

Hopefully some others will come on with some good advice.
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Old 04-27-2010, 04:56 PM   #9
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Re: the ex is back

Quote:
Originally Posted by River rocks View Post
What was the reason for the breakup? That info might help with advice here.
As for being "friends"..that can be difficult when you both still have romantic feelings.
its a slippery slope, one that very often lead to "Freinds with benefits". And from what I've seen, FWB's never leads to commitment. It only makes the pain worse because emotions get muddy.

So if you CAN truly be friends, that means no sex, no intimacy, and lines must be drawn.
We broke up because i had become extremely codependent on him and obviously he felt suffocated, when we broke up I cut off all communication with him, i completely cut him out and he was extremely hurt. He kept trying to contact me almost every month trying to get me to see him, but i always told him to simply leave me alone and not speak to me, he agreed but eventually he was trying to tell me stuff again, this was the case for 5 months and about a month ago he contacted me and i decided that i was feeling well enough to see him again and finally put everything to rest, when i went to go see him the first thing he said was that he still had feelings for me, and ever since then we have been seeing each other, as far as FWB, that's an interesting idea, I dont know much about that but our relationship isnt exactly that way, we speak everyday and see each other about 1-2 times a week, we go out on dates and basically have all the components of a couple besides the tittle. I dont know about FWB, but I suppose that in those cases it is just about sex and not much else, we're definitily not that way and i'd never agree to that anyway.

 
Old 04-27-2010, 05:04 PM   #10
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Re: the ex is back

If you don't have the title, you may end up feeling like a FWB when he sleeps with other women. Would that bother you? Because the only reason for lack of a title is to have freedom to sleep with other people.

This situation bothers me... I feel like he is manipulating you and taking advantage of your codependency. If that's why you broke up and he really felt that your codependency was hurting you, he wouldn't be trying to get you back (but not fully back.) I don't trust him.

Last edited by digmusic; 04-27-2010 at 05:05 PM.

 
Old 04-27-2010, 05:19 PM   #11
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Re: the ex is back

Quote:
Originally Posted by digmusic View Post
If you don't have the title, you may end up feeling like a FWB when he sleeps with other women. Would that bother you? Because the only reason for lack of a title is to have freedom to sleep with other people.

This situation bothers me... I feel like he is manipulating you and taking advantage of your codependency. If that's why you broke up and he really felt that your codependency was hurting you, he wouldn't be trying to get you back (but not fully back.) I don't trust him.
honestly, I dont know, we know each other pretty well and we've definitely talked about this whole "FWB" issue, we agreed to see where everything would lead and that we were definitely more than friends, and at some point we also agreed that we wouldnt see other people, but that we wouldnt take on the tittle because the tittle made us really confused, me especially since I had a problem with boundaries. I am in therapy and he has been supportive in my own self development.

is it possible that this situation is different? i guess I just dont know.... I know that I dont want to be FWB, but i also don't want and shouldnt have a relationship right now. We are trying to simply do whatever we want and act in whatever way we want towards each other without all of the drama.

but I could just be wishful thinking.

 
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