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Old 04-27-2010, 12:22 PM   #1
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LD relationship fizzling...what to do

I feel my long distance relationship is slipping away and don't know what to do...in the beginning he was pursuing me hard, emailing/texting/calling all the time, etc. Now the tables seem to be turned and I don't hear from him as much if at all unless I initiate it. The confusing part is when we do talk he seems the same, says amazing things like "you're perfect for me" "I could talk to you all day" etc. etc. But then I don't hear from him for days. I'm trying no contact to see if he'll initiate anything, been a few days now and nothing. I'm having a very hard time not getting in touch with him...afraid he'll just forget about me and it'll fizzle out. He even said when we talk it "reminds him how great we are together," so if we don't talk will he forget this?? Help!

 
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Old 04-27-2010, 12:56 PM   #2
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Re: LD relationship fizzling...what to do

I've never understood how long-distance relationships can succeed. If it's for a defined period of time, then OK. But, strictly building a relationship via texting, phone calls and email??? I don't get how that could work.

 
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Old 04-27-2010, 01:02 PM   #3
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Re: LD relationship fizzling...what to do

If you have to remind him that you exist, he isn't into it. Sure, he most likely enjoys talking to you (who wouldn't enjoy talking to someone who adores them?) but I can guess he isn't sitting home waiting for your calls.

You may just have to accept that this relationship doesn't mean to him what it means to you, and let it go.
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Old 04-27-2010, 01:10 PM   #4
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Re: LD relationship fizzling...what to do

Thanks for your replies...I was thinking the same thing, that he's not into it and just let it go. But I asked him straight up if I should stop initiating contact with him and he said a very strong no...he also went on to say that living near me would be a "dream" and he plans to move near me someday, etc. So is he just BS-ing me?? I totally agree that his actions are telling me that he's not into it, but why on earth does he say these things to me??

 
Old 04-27-2010, 01:16 PM   #5
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Re: LD relationship fizzling...what to do

Some people like to keep their options open.

 
Old 04-27-2010, 01:25 PM   #6
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Re: LD relationship fizzling...what to do

Again, who would want to get rid of someone who adores them? Especially when they are a safe distance away.

You know, there's this little thing called "lying". It seems to me that you are an honest, straightforward person, so it's difficult for you to imagine that people sometimes say things because it helps them get what they want, rather than because it's really what they are thinking or feeling. He says those things because it's fun for him to have a girl far away who's crazy about him and who's sitting home not dating because of him. But the reality is, he's not calling you, he's not contacting you, and if he truly felt the way he says he does, he'd make an effort. Period.
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Old 04-27-2010, 02:08 PM   #7
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Re: LD relationship fizzling...what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by halfmoon View Post
Thanks for your replies...I was thinking the same thing, that he's not into it and just let it go. But I asked him straight up if I should stop initiating contact with him and he said a very strong no...he also went on to say that living near me would be a "dream" and he plans to move near me someday, etc. So is he just BS-ing me?? I totally agree that his actions are telling me that he's not into it, but why on earth does he say these things to me??
But you can't wait around for that "dream". Move on and stop being the initiator. If he is really into you, he'll start doing the calling again.
Also if he moves to where you are, great. But in the meantime, don't out your life on hold! (seems to be a theme around here lately!)

 
Old 04-27-2010, 02:38 PM   #8
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Re: LD relationship fizzling...what to do

I know you're all right...it's hard to hear, but what I need to hear to help me stop contacting him. I think I became addicted to the things he said to me, the compliments, etc. even though on some level I knew they weren't entirely true. It's surprising what a struggle it's been for me to not contact him, but I know if I do I'll regret it.

So I'm not going to initiate contact anymore and see what happens...of course I'm hoping he'll come crawling back, if nothing else to help my pride a bit. Anyone have experience with this no contact thing? How do I stick to it, does it make the other person come back or disappear?

 
Old 04-27-2010, 03:15 PM   #9
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Re: LD relationship fizzling...what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by halfmoon View Post
Anyone have experience with this no contact thing? How do I stick to it, does it make the other person come back or disappear?
Yes. I have experience with this. In my early twenties, I became involved with a man who was no good for me ( too many reasons for me list here).
Never the less, I began to feel desperate without contact from him, so I would call or go see him. I was the initator 80 or 90 percent. I knew it was no good but I kept doing it.
I talked to a counselor who gave me a very good excersize to do. She told me my thoughts were like an obsession and obsessions can be broken with awareness and conscious effort. She had me carry around a pen and paper throughout the day. (this day and age you can use an iPhone or other hand held device) Every time I thought of him or wanted to call him, I was to write down the thought "thinking of K" or Wanting to call K"..."wondering what K is doing"...and the time and date. (you could text yourself instead of writing).

What it did was 1) brought awareness to how often thoughts of him were unecessarily occupying my mind. And 2) it stopped the thought as soon as I got it on paper, and it stopped me from calling or initating contact.
It took about a week and half. Something happened in my brain. I looked at all the entries on my notebook and was rather appauled at how much mental energy I was giving this guy....who was not returning the energy, not returning the interest as I had been. It was a huge wake up call.

Give it a try. It works. Sound crazy? Well, I thought so until I did it.

And to answer your question if my stopping contact with him made his dissapear or come back....
After two weeks of no contact, sure enough he started calling, quite a bit. But the good news is that I had broken the "spell" he had over me. So I was no longer smitten.
As soon as I stopped giving all of that emotional energy to him, I left the door open to other men who I was over looking before. And sure enough...a really great one walked through it.

Last edited by River rocks; 04-27-2010 at 03:17 PM.

 
Old 04-27-2010, 04:04 PM   #10
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Re: LD relationship fizzling...what to do

No contact:

I didn't feel like paying the extra $7 a month to block his number. So, I put his numbers (all of them) into my phone as "X" and gave him his very own ring tone. That way, I couldn't "accidentally" dial him (since I know no one whose name begins with an "X") and I would know for sure that it was him calling (so I couldn't "accidentally" answer a call from him).

When I heard that ring tone, I didn't answer! Simple.

When he IM'ed me I ignored him. When he texted me, I read it, then didn't respond.

Easy!

I know you're talking about the emotional aspect, and your hopes being up that he wants to talk to you, but you have to value yourself more than him. Next time you're tempted to call, text, e-mail, send a message on any social networking sites, call a friend or family member instead. In fact, I fully advocate having a "breakup buddy". Someone you call instead of him and to whom you can admit you are tempted to call him without feeling ashamed or pathetic, someone who understands and is supportive of you. I had them and it did wonders!
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Old 04-27-2010, 09:04 PM   #11
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Re: LD relationship fizzling...what to do

River - wow I will definitely try that! I do feel like it's kind of an obsessive thing, so hopefully that will work for me too. I would love to break this spell and see things more clearly, and mainly get control of it. It's been a few days and I'm starting to come out of the haze a bit, but I still definitely get urges. That's so great that he came back and you shot him down - how satisfying would that be?? I'd love to get my pride back like that. But each day I don't contact him my pride is creeping back. We'll see if he tries to contact me.

Red - I don't have the prob of trying to avoid his calls because he doesn't call me! But I definitely like your idea of diverting my urge to contact him and contact a friend instead. I actually did that today!

Thanks all...

 
Old 04-28-2010, 10:13 AM   #12
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Re: LD relationship fizzling...what to do

You sound like you are on the right track. Good for you for calling a friend instead of him. Keep it up. It will work!!
Lots of posters here have attested to the fact that even though it takes will power and some time, you will wake up one morning and finally, HE will no longer be the first thing you think of. And gradually, HE will fade from being important. It happens!
Good luck...you're dong great!

 
Old 04-28-2010, 01:23 PM   #13
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Re: LD relationship fizzling...what to do

Thanks River...although I hate to admit that I'm still hoping the no contact also gets him to contact me. Hasn't happen yet, we'll see...

I'm going out with some of his friends this weekend (we have mutual friends) and I'm super tempted to let him know this, just so he knows I'm not sitting around waiting for him and yes, to try to make him jealous. What do you think?

Thanks again!

 
Old 04-28-2010, 01:51 PM   #14
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Re: LD relationship fizzling...what to do

Personally, I would not tell him what you are up to. Make him wonder. His imagination is probably a lot worse than reality..lol!

Besides, calling him to tell him anything defeats the purpose. No contact is best contact. Calling him (even to tell him you have a life) gives him the power and control again..see?

Give it two straight weeks and I'd bet my bottom dollar he calls. And asks what you've been up to. And maybe by then you won't even care so much that he did.


Edited to add: if he doesnt' call in two weeks, you basically have the answer. Plus, you will be well on your way to becoming stronger having not called or made contact. Win-win!

Last edited by River rocks; 04-28-2010 at 01:52 PM.

 
Old 04-28-2010, 03:38 PM   #15
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Re: LD relationship fizzling...what to do

NO! Do not call. That would totally defeat the entire purpose of no contact. He'll never make an effort if he knows you'll always find some excuse to contact him.

Sorry, but I think you're reaching for excuses to contact him. If these are his friends, he'll find out eventually. So I recommend you don't contact him for ANY reason.
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