to this posting thing. I am currently engaged, we've been dating for 4 yrs, and I am having issues with the relationship. I graduate from school in 2 weeks and I am working part-time and going to school full-time. He got laid off about a year ago and has since then tried to start his own company. He has began job searching but right now the economy is a bad market. I feel under pressure being the only one working and it puts a lot of responsibility on me. I am also upset b/c when I compare my life to others it is a disappointment. The only thing I want is a child, right now we can not financially afford one. I have a friend who recently go pregnant and her bf bought her a range rover. Then they moved in together and bought her a 5 bedroom house while she is in grad school. I look back and say I wished I would have dated someone who was financially prepared however, I love my man. I understand that certain things happen for certain people but I look at my man and say he's 25 he should be where he needs to be in life in order to make his wife and family happy. What should I do? Advice? Self help books as well? Thanks for listening. I realize many people would say that I a, selfish and shallow and I should wait it out for him. I need help on ways to do this advice on ways to stop comparing my relationship to others and ways to be happy with what I have.
You have unrealistic expectations. You should not be putting pressure on your 25-year old husband because he hasn't bought you a Range Rover. Most 25-year olds are not that successful and that is still pretty young to be having children in my view. I don't think you are necessarily selfish and shallow, as it is important to be financially comfortable and everyone has her needs. I do think you sound a bit demanding though and you should not be comparing yourself to other people. If you do that, you'll always fall short and will come across as nagging and entitled to your husband. Unless he is lazy and irresponsible and not looking for work, I think you should go a little easier on him and seem more supportive.
As far as how to be happy with what you have, that sounds like some personal work you'd have to do. Logical advice we could give you here might not help as much as counseling (if you could afford it?), meditation, a spiritual path... something to bring you back down to earth.
A little harsh but that it what I really need! I appreciate it. I do realize in a sense I am putting some unrealistic expectations on him, and no I'm not saying I want a range rover or anything I just want to be financially stable. I am viewing it as her checklist for a mate was diff from mine which is why she she has a diff relationship I do. As I realize that I look back and say that finacial stability should have been on my list so that I would not be going through the things I am going through.
I think it's dangerous to expect a man to buy all your happiness for you. Financial security is important, and having enough to afford luxuries like range rovers is nice, but you have to make some decisions here. Your man may never make enough money to buy a range rover and big 5 bedroom house. You need to ask yourself if you love him enough to happy being with him even if you live in a small two bedroom apartment? would it matter where you live as long as you were together? What if it turns out he shoots blanks and can't get you pregnant? Life hardly ever turns out the way we plan or want it to. You have to figure out how to meet asmany of your own needs as you can, and then decide what is most important to you, a really good man you can trust and love, or a man who can buy you a range rover? A small handful of women get both, but most of us have to choose and find some way to be satisfied with the hand we've been dealt.
p.s. it's never too late to alter your check list. You have to decide just how important financial stability is to you. If it's really very important to you, then you have to take into consideration that you might be with the wrong man. I thik you'd be happier in the long run going after what you really want than trying to force yourself to be happy with something so much less than what you really want and then being angry, dissatisfied and resentful a few years down the road.
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 04-27-2010 at 04:41 PM.
I agree, it is very dangerous to expect happiness from a man. I have been down that path before. However, I'm not a materialistic person I could go through life not ever having a range rover or 5 bedroom house I am just fine living in a loft somewhere where it's just he and I. This is what I have state to him over and over again, just get a regular job and we can live in a place. It's his ego that's he has to be a man and provide etc. I do realize it's never too late to change I could walk away from everyhing now, it's not official, but I love him I'm just not happy with the current circumstances.
I really don't think there is a "right or wrong" as far as what you expect out of life and a partner..as long as your partner is on the same wavelength and life path.
For example, I know of women who expect their husbands to be not only the sole provider but they also expect to live lavishly. When these women marry men who have the same values, (a man who can and wants to provide this lifestyle for his wife) it works.
As for myself, I expect from my partner the same amount I put into it..no more no less. Its equal, and he feels the same...so it works.
Where is does not work is where a woman or man expects a certain lifestlye and their partner simply is not that kind of person, or has a different view of your lifestlye together.
I think it comes down to compatibility, cooperation, consideration and compromise. When your love and desire to remain together is strong, great. Now you have to look at your expectations of each other. And hopefully you mesh. That is how you can move forward without resentment or disappointment.
Last edited by River rocks; 04-28-2010 at 09:40 AM.
Just don't get into a situation where you're the primary breadwinner while he flits around from menial job to menial job. I know a woman currently in that position and the marriage is falling apart.
Its ok if you make a little more than him but don't let the bulk of responsibility for paying all the bills land on you because I can guarantee that will not work at all. The stress on you will make you insane.
Honestly we really do mesh well. We have been at this relationship thing for a while and in some ways have shaped and molded each other into ther person we want to love and marry. I, however, am a bit on the side. I am very stubborn, VERY EMOTIONAL, EXTRA SENSITIVE, and @ times insecure. Beside this another problem we are currently facing is my need for attention. I do not understand why it is so, but parts of my look to him for validation. Being such I tend to throw fits as if I'm 5 when I do not see him as often as I would like. I do not understand why I do and act the way I do. Trust me though this is a huge improvement from the way I use to act. I tend to act out every so often now, but does anyone else seek out validation from others, thus their need for major amounts of attention? Why? Ways to correct this?
When I look around and see people who have better stuff than I do I just tell myself that these people are probably way in over their head in debt and living paycheck to paycheck because that is the way most people live in this country. I don't covet that.
Also, I am the primary breadwinner and it works just fine for us so I have to disagree with what Kazan said. I do agree about the flitting from one job to another and the man not taking his work seriously, that would be a problem.
so he was laid off a year ago and hasn't worked since?
I'd postpone the wedding if I were you until you find out how willing to work that he is. Yes it's bad out there, but people who want jobs will find them.
A lot of people use the economy as the excuse as to why they aren't working, and it's just an excuse.
I tend to act out every so often now, but does anyone else seek out validation from others, thus their need for major amounts of attention? Why? Ways to correct this?
Well, not to get all psycho-analytical or anything, as I am no expert but since I've been known to throw mini fits in my past I can take a stab at the reason. For me I looked into my past and realized I felt the same sense of panic when I felt "ignored" or did not have the attention of my boyfriend as I did when I was a child and was left alone. Kind of like the abandonment fear from being akid seeps into the present. So then I told myself I am an adult now, no reason to be so afraid.
I don't know, but that was an issue for me I worked through.
Ok, where to start? I agree to an extent sometimes when people have more or better things than I have they are living paycheck to paycheck however, some aren't. It depends who you are talking about. Secondly, once he got laid off he he focused on starting his own business. He's been doing jibs under the table to bring in money but by no means is he a bum sitting on his butt doing nothing all day. Yes, sometimes people do use the economy as an excuse but I only work part time (mostly due to school) but not that I am finished I can not find full time employment. I did not call off the engagement but I said I was not going to start planning until we were financially secure. Thirdly, I had an akward dream last night. I was trying to help my father who ended up turning his back on me. That made me realiz the reason behind me acting out. The minute someone gets busy and I'm not receiving all of their attention I feel rejected and as if they do not love me anymore. Clearly I have issues with my perception of love.