I just need to vent so that's what I will do. I need to feel like I am not alone, that people go through the same **** as me. My fiance is bi-polar, I have known since the beginning of this relationship and we have been together for almost 2 years.
We are going through such a rough patch where I feel like I am GOING CRAZY. I feel depressed, I feel bi-polar. I'm inpatient, apathetic, rude, angry, mean. I can't handle the constant questioning, the never ending fights lately. He is so paranoid about everything I do, he has to over ananlyze everything, he never believes me the first time. He thinks I don't love him, he tells me I am going to leave him one day, he tells me he is ruining my life.
A person can only defend their love for their loved one SO MUCH before it starts getting exhausting and that I am...exhausted. I feel like I should have a tape recorder for the answers he always ask that never change.
I handled this good for a while but everyone has breaking points. I get help with therapy, I've read and bought so many books. I know how I am supposed to act and treat him but it's just SO HARD to just be patient and sit by while this person is doing this to you. I love him unconditionally but I resent the things that continue to happen. I know he cannot help it, I know its not his fault, it's his disease.
I feel like I am losing my mind. I break down at any instant and cry uncontrollably. But then there are SO many good times, and there are the times when we get things under control and its perfect...but then there are times like today, and yesterday where I feel hopeless.
I guess I just want to feel like I am not alone. The only thing the therapist says is "Can you do this, are you sure you can handle this relationship" YES I WANT TO DO THIS I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO LISTEN TO MY THOUGHTS WITHOUT IT HAVING TO MEAN THAT I WANT IT TO END.
Is that too much to ask?
Just my venting, thanks for listening.
Megatron.
