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Old 04-30-2010, 05:41 PM   #1
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Did I make a mistake breaking up with him?

Yesterday was my 24th birthday. My boyfriend and I had plans to go to dinner together after he finished work. My mom thought she was invited and when I told her that it was just me and him she started crying so I invited her. My boyfriend finished work at 3 and when I told him that my mom was coming too he got angry. He said that he wanted it to just be us and that he was hungry now and didn't want to wait til 6 for my mom to finish work. I felt angry that it was my birthday and that he was whining and complaining. I felt like he should have just sucked it up. We ended the conversation civilly and we both said I love you. I felt angry that my mom was crying, my boyfriend and was whining and I was stuck somewhere in between. My mom found out that my boyfriend didn't want her to go and she started crying again. When he called me back I told him that she was upset and asked him to please be nice. He again went on with how it was rude of her to invite herself and how he has been up since 5 am for work and that he is tired etc. etc. I told him to forget the whole thing and that I wasn't going. I turned my phone off and locked myself in my room because they were both getting on my nerves. It really upset me that he wasn't able to put his own feelings aside and consider mine, on MY birthday. I didn't answer my phone for hours and he ended up driving over to my house. I told him how I felt and told him that I didn't want to be with him anymore. He cried and I sat there stone faced telling him that it was over. He left in tears.

We fight often. He is easy to anger and he yells. Yells about traffic. Yells if he upsets me and I cry. Complains and gets mad if things don't go his way.

We have been together 6 years.

I love him. He has been there with me through all the bad stuff. He is my best friend. He is sweet. He has shown me over and over again how much he loves me. I am comfortable with him. All my future plans include him. I can't see my life without him. I really love him.

I am sick of being yelled at. I am sick of hearing him yell. It is draining. We can fight and he can yell and scream and an hour later everything is perfect.

I am not perfect. I am damaged. I have issues with my father who left me when I was very young. I was sexually assaulted as a teenager by an acquaintance. Both of these things effect me very deeply and I have abandonment and trust issues with men. I am easy to make cry. Perhaps too sensitive. Suspicious and untrusting.

I recently started talking to my father again. My boyfriend and I went to visit him a couple weeks ago for the first time in years. Things went well and I was hopeful that we would start a relationship. After our visit my boyfriend with good intentions invited my dad to have dinner with us on my birthday. He made up an excuse as to why he couldn't. That hurt.

I feel like I am not important. Not worthy of a mans respect. I feel that way when my boyfriend yells at me. I think all this baggage I carry around really effects my relationship with him. I have these unrealistic expectations. Everything hurts my feelings. If I feel I am being criticized it shatters me.

I feel like I made a mistake. My boyfriend has lots of good qualities. Qualities I love but when he gets mad/annoyed/frustrated with me I put up a wall I try to to protect myself and it makes everything worse.

I don't want to be with anyone else. Just thinking about his face makes me cry. I love him deeply. I feel like I screwed everything up. I hurt him. I think things are over for good. I can't get out of bed. I can't eat.

I have this unexplainable connection to him. He had a pretty dysfunctional home life too and instead of crying he yells.

I don't know what to do.... He is an amazing person and I feel like this can be fixed yet I feel I like it can't.

 
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Old 04-30-2010, 06:44 PM   #2
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Re: Did I make a mistake breaking up with him?

There's a lot of information in your post but two things stand out to me:

1) Why was your Mom such a mess over not being invited? Did she know you'd invited your Dad? I'd understand if this was a "special" birthday or if she'd not been invited to a party but dinner for 24? I see no problem with her initiating something like asking the two of you to come over that evening or the next day for cake and ice cream. But to have a crying fit over not going to dinner with her daughter and boyfriend seems very manipulative to me, especially if she was trying to intercede on a possible re-connect between you and your Dad.

2) Why couldn't the two of you have gone out, then gone a second time later? With 3+ hours between meals, it seems you could have done both and maybe just split an appetizer at the second meal. Did your Mom even need to know there'd been a first meal with just the boyfriend? My point with this is that sometimes big blow ups are about small issues. I mean isn't this really a pretty small thing?

Are you able to talk when things are calm or does it lead to a fight?
It absolutely is not right for your boyfriend to yell at your and make you feel bad about yourself. How does he see this? Does he think he's in the right when he does it? Any chance he understands he has a problem and is willing to work on changing. Because if he doesn't think it's a problem, it's not going to change. You should not have to plan on spending a life being verbally beat down because you fell in love with someone who likes to yell you down. But if he really doesn't like himself when he's doing it, and he would like to change, then there's hope.

 
Old 04-30-2010, 08:07 PM   #3
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Re: Did I make a mistake breaking up with him?

You did the right thing. You're right, being constantly berated and constantly put down by someone IS draining! And it sounds like he has a problem that he is not willing to work on, so. Yes youtotally did the right thing.

You are going to be way better off without a guy who constantly yells at you and makes you feel like crap. So yes you did the right thing and I don't think you should try to get him back.

 
Old 04-30-2010, 09:48 PM   #4
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Re: Did I make a mistake breaking up with him?

Well happy belated birthday. I think you sort of made a mistake in not respecting your boyfriend in a discussion regarding your mom inviting herself to your birthday. Your mom needs to show you the respect of being a young women on her own with a long time relationship and you also you should of asked your boyfriend if it would be ok with him. None of this should of gone this far because you couldn't say no to mom. I am sorry your dad didn't go to your birthday dinner but don't assume you know why he declined. This is traumatic for dad too coming back into your life so let that go. Perhaps you just need some mental health counseling so you have someone to tell your story too so you can move on. What happened in your younger years is either going to have to be let go of or go get help to work through it so you can let go of the past. Your boyfriend sounds nice and he really didn't deserve being reduced to tears. I think you should apologize to him and also you need to get some help with your past so you can have a healthier future. You might sit down with mom and let her know as much as you love her your have to discuss things with your boyfriend before just doing it if it is going to include him and he isn't prepared. If my husband suddenly showed up with his mom after me having a long day at work without tell me I think I would of blown a gasket too. so anyway that is just my opinion....good luck.

 
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