Most of you will think this is a minor issue and I know it's my fault for letting it go on all these years, but here goes:
My husband always seems to get himself involved in emergency situations where he runs out of time to do things, and then gets me involved. The problem is, I feel like I have to pick up the pieces and clean up after him on everything. Yes, I have put up with it, didn't know how much it was hurting me until I started getting high blood pressure and the doctor said my Thyroid was bad because my Adrenals were shot because of stress. I know most mothers have the same problem but now I am wanting to go at a more peaceful pace in life. I also know that he is not necessarily the problem, but it's my perception of how I need to jump when he says jump.
For years we ran nonstop taking our kids to games and practices and lessons and you name it. I worked more than full time and had to travel out of state every weekend to attend tournaments for several different sports. I went along with it, thinking it was best for my kids. And other parents were doing it. Yuck!
Now that that's all over, my husband will come home for lunch, be running late, ask me to make him a sandwich and then give me a list of things that he doesn't have time to do. I don't mind this so much if it's a legitimate chore, but often he is running late because of a recreational event he has and asks me to pack for him, or he needs me to take care of something because he's supposed to meet his fishing buddy and he's running behind. He will leave everything in a mess and for me to clean up.
I have a very hard time dealing with this and feel like he thinks his time is much more valuable than mine and my life is just to serve him. If I tell him no, he gets mad and/or makes me feel extremely guilty.
I have two questions. The first is: what is it, do you think, that makes him always run late and constantly be in emergency mode? Is this a characteristic of some mental disorder? Second: How do I relax and get myself un-involved in his emergencies after all these years without creating drama? I suppose I need to meditate or relax but every time I sit down, the phone rings and someone has another emergency to tend to. Is this normal for everyone or is it just me?
Last edited by goingdaffy; 05-03-2010 at 02:06 PM.
I don't know of any mental disorders that this could fit to - it's more likely than not that your husband just has really bad time management. It could also be that he knows if he's running late and needs something doing all he has to do is call you and you'll come running. You need to establish boundaries about what he needs to take responsibility for. The more you do for him, the more he'll just expect it and then get angry when you don't help out. I'm not saying his problems are his alone and you should never help but there has to be a stopping point. Maybe you need to sit him down and calmly discuss this with him so that he can understand how it makes you feel. Communication is the most efficient way of dealing with a problem.
I agree completely. I tell him all the time I'm not his personal assistant. Most of the time when I pick up after him it is when he leaves things out of the refrigerator and they will go bad if I don't put them up. To some extent, I guess I will have to continue living with this unless I'm willing to go to the grocery store alot to replace things. Oh wait... HE can go to the store and replace the things. But I don't like ants.
You have to start telling him "no." Of course he isn't going to like it. Of course he is going to get mad. Of course he is going to try to make you feel guilty. You can't take on that guilt unless you want it and an angry person can just be totally ignored. He does all of this because he knows that he can. He knows that you will do it so why should he do it?
Yeah, I know. I think I will start doing it gradually though. He will suspect something if I suddenly change or he will blame it on Menopause! I do try to work with him as a team and I want to be careful to pick my battles. But I'm due for a change.
first of all, no man should make you feel guilty, no matter what the
i think start saying no, or perhaps every now and then (to start) say something like "oh i would but i have something planned".
make him realise that you do have your own life and even if you disappear to the store or just to go for a walk, get out of the house so he has to make his own sandwich or pack his own bag etc.
Okay, I gotta step in here. It is possible your husband has ADHD. That is a real psychiatric condition that really does (sometimes) cause people to behave that way.
However, if that is the problem, it should be possible for him to handle it better and reduce the impact on you. If ADHD sounds like it could be his problem, he might want to go to a psychiatrist and get tested. Medication is sometimes necessary/helpful, or might benefit from training in certain life skills, as I did.
Or there could be something else going on. I'm no psychiatrist and I've never met the guy.
He was on medication when he was growing up for being hyperactive, his mother has said. I don't think he would agree to get tested, I'm sure he wouldn't do that, that would be admitting there was something wrong with him. It's hard to explain how he believes.
I feel bad for him because his family teases him about the way he is sometimes. It bothers me when they make fun of him and I've always felt that he was the least favored. The wierd thing about it, is that he doesn't seem to even care when they are mean and he still wants to be around them. I can't seem to tolerate that kind of thing and they think I'm too sensitive? I think it was the difference in the way we were brought up.
That could very well be the answer daffy...So, it's all about educating yourself and eventually him about wonderful success stories there are available about peoples lives changing when they finally get the proper treatment for their condition...no matter the condition.
We have never had such a great understanding, and effective medications available to us, this is a new day. It is never too late to be treated for a condition, even if it began in childhood, your husband could find the help he needs, which is of course what you are asking for.
Although it might take some women's charm to warm him up to the idea...but the more you know, the more you can share. Until then, I'd keep putting the mayonaisse back in the fridge...
What a compliment...I really needed that. Thank you very much, I feel like a million bucks right now.
Do you think Jane's connection with the ADD is on the spot? It would give you something to work with...
I can relate to his dilemma though...he has probably run into many of the difficulties of hyperactivity as a child, and has likely built a wall up on the whole subject...We did not know what to do with hyperactivity years ago, and there was stigmas attached to it...as well as label, names, punishments.
Light years later (medical research wise), we do. I must admit something ironic here, I have been treated over the last 6 years for 4 strokes, a heart attack, kidney failure, ad nauseum ...and it was only last week that I finally asked for treatment for my anxiety. When my mother found out I was taking xanex (1 twice per day) she panicked and kept telling me to throw them out because she heard this, she heard that...as if all the other medications were ok, but not anxiety medication (I take 15 others).
I feel so much better now! This treatment is lightening a load I was carrying, that frees me up to enjoy more...it is wonderful. I wish I had not waited this long to face up to anxiety, just because I didn't want to take THAT pill...for THAT condition. I did not mind being treated for my heart, my kidneys, my BP, thyroid, etc., but anxiety really held me up. Isn't that weird?