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Old 05-04-2010, 01:52 PM   #1
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Need to vent!

It has been a long time since I have visited these boards. I am with an absolutely amazing guy. We have been together for just about 2 and a half years now. Here's the thing though, I have been having a difficult time adjusting to all the changes that have happened in my life because of this relationship. They are not all bad changes and some of them I admit I did myself. He is divorced and has a ten year old daughter from that marriage. I have been thrown into this world of homemaker, step-mom, student, fiance, etc. It is all overwhelming to me. My fiance does not seem to understand that the adjustment to these sets of circumstances has and is taking me a long time. I don't think I will ever be completely okay with his ex-wife. I find myself lately feeling bored and under appreciated. I do not have a full-time job as I am in school full time to be a teacher. So, that I am looking forward to. I student teach next fall and then I am done! The reason I say I feel unappreciated is because whenever I want to talk to him about anything some how the conversation always turns to him. I'm tired of always being the one to cook, clean, and do everything around the house. I don't know what I am trying to say. I love this man to death it just seems lately he doesn't understand the stress I am under working three part-time jobs, going to school full-time, and taking care of the house and dog full-time. If I ask him to do anything around the house he always has an excuse as to why he can't right now. I know I am having difficulty adjusting to this lifestyle when I was used to being so independent. If I do go and do something outside of errands when he is at work I feel guilty, if I try to do school work or anything when he is home I feel guilty. I feel like he wants all my attention to be on him. I don't ever get his full attention. We will be in middle of a phone conversation or in person and he will change the subject or say all right I will talk to you later on the phone. He doesn't seem to understand how stressed I am and how I would love for him to hug me and just allow me to cry in his arms. I know men are not good with emotions, but I'm at my wits end feeling like I am in this all by myself. Our physical relationship has suffered because of this as well and he makes a point to make sure I know that. I do, but I can't be intimate when I don't feel an emotional connection with someone right now. Like I said I love him to death, it is just that he is stuck in his ways and can't or won't see my sides of things. I feel I have sacrificed a lot when I decided to be with him. I was thrown into this role of instant mom, "wife", etc. I understand his sides of things, but he doesn't mine. I just don't know what to do or how to get him to understand I truly love him, but I am feeling unappreciated and not heard. Any advice anyone?

 
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Old 05-04-2010, 01:57 PM   #2
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Re: Need to vent!

you ARE underappreciated and taken for granted, and I doubt anything will change. If I were you, I'd reconsider this marriage.....it will only get worse.

 
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Old 05-04-2010, 06:31 PM   #3
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Re: Need to vent!

Why do you feel guilty if you do something for yourself or study when he's home? Does he do anything to MAKE you feel guilty or do you just choose to feel guilty all by yourself? Could it be that you haven't properly set boundaries? I know there are always two sides to the story, and more to the story than what you're telling us here, but it does sound like he's taking you for granted, BUT it also sounds like you're letting him. You need to set aside a certain amount of time every day to study and make sure he knows it's what you must do to get to where you want to be in life so from x to x o'clock every day, you will be studying and you can help him or deal with his needs before or after.

Also, when he has complained to you about not getting enough whoopie, have you told him why you don't feel like having sex with him? If not, you probably should. Just tell him straight out when he says "you know, it's been two weeks." Just tell him you don't feel the emotional connection right now that you need to be sexual with him. This life is a big adjustment for you, being an instant wife and step mom while maintaining your studies, etc. and you need support from him that you're not getting, and that is affecting your sexual desire for him. You'd like to talk about it, as you know it's a problem for him, and it's a problem for you too, and you hope he doesn't go to someone else for sex, but it needs to be talked out and you hope that someday soon he will value the relationship enough to want to talk things out.

It sounds like perhaps he just needs a kick in the butt. Everything is humming along fine for him. But if it's not for him, then you need to stand up for yourself and say "HEY!! We've got an issue here and we need to talk this out!!" It kind of sounds like you've hinted, but you've never said "there's a problem here and we need to solve it!"

 
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Old 05-04-2010, 09:50 PM   #4
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Re: Need to vent!

Sounds like he has been pampered by someone and now he feels entitled. You need to talk to him about it. He either doesn't care, in which case you will find out eventually, or he isn't aware that he's acting like this. You need to talk to him about it clearly and assertively. Don't just say "oh by the way..." on the phone or something, sit him down and tell him you want to talk to him about something important so he knows you mean business. Instead of just going ahead and doing something around the house that you asked him to do and he says he can't "right now," just don't do it. Don't clean up after his messes anymore, literally and otherwise. I think you are acting in ways that give him no reason to change because he knows you'll comply. So, talk to him about it and make changes yourself. He either won't accept it, or he'll start to change as well.

Also, I think it's great that you don't have sex with him when you aren't feelin it emotionally. A lot of women do anyway out of a sense of duty or to avoid conflict, and I'm sure it's very deadening and I'm sure that they develop serious pent-up anger.

 
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Old 05-05-2010, 02:28 AM   #5
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Re: Need to vent!

Hello. I have trouble understanding y u said at the beginning how wonderful this man is to u. Then u don't really mention how si at all in isn't this the advantage of living together first? C. U r so lucky to c all this b4 ur marriage. I sasnt allowed to date let alone live with someone first! Ok. So u got ur

 
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Old 05-05-2010, 05:52 AM   #6
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Re: Need to vent!

Quote:
Originally Posted by mykinzie10 View Post
Hello. I have trouble understanding y u said at the beginning how wonderful this man is to u. Then u don't really mention how si at all in isn't this the advantage of living together first? C. U r so lucky to c all this b4 ur marriage. I sasnt allowed to date let alone live with someone first! Ok. So u got ur
What did you say????

 
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Old 05-05-2010, 06:29 AM   #7
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Re: Need to vent!

My suggestion would be to see a relationship psychologist, and get him to agree to see one together, but perhaps see the professional yourself first and discuss your concerns so that the person knows what is upsetting you.
Best to see a man therapist, he may take to him better then a woman, but is best to see him first so you feel ok, that he does not take sides but assist you to deal with all the issues you are trying to deal with-alone-at the moment, which weakens you and you get tearful as well as overwhelmed.
It appears to me, that perhaps you want to be too much in the relationship, and he can see that, and at times certain people let others do all the work, if you don't have the right approach or place the right boundaries.
This is why, a good therapist, will guide you the right path, support you where you need it, and then when you go as a couple, guide him how to be in an equal relationship, in give and take, and how to understand you, communicate and resolve issues and conflicts, without endangering the relationship-or exhausting yourself and give it all up, to rescue yourself and your preservation.
While you are at it, since you have chosen to take so much on-I would suggest you deserve to go and have something essential like a deep massage or some pampering, and a good night out with a group of girlfriends to remember what it is like to have some fun and not all responsibillities, and this can also clear your head as to what you really should decide to do.
Don't try to solve it on your own, without the essential skills, which are lacking at present, as you have taken too much on. You fill the space of where the other owes to be or doing-in order to be called sharing.

I hope you come to work it all out with some help from the right people.
Take care!and remember to have some fun!

 
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Old 05-05-2010, 06:50 AM   #8
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Re: Need to vent!

It is not true that men are not good with emotions, but perhaps this one man is not. He seems to lack empathy. Perhaps he is soft under his tough skin, but since he is defensive and kind of selfish, you can hardly touch his softer spots.

I for one believe in change, but for some people the right buttons have to be pressed, if you see what I mean.

In this case, there seems to be only three ways for you to go: you swallow everything and go on living like this (which is the worst choice); you end the relationship on short notice and move on (which is the most radical choice); or you take a stand with him and have a face-to-face conversation where you are going to tell him exactly what you have told us here, whether he likes it or not. If you are unable to make him commit, at least in part, to the way you think things should be, go back to choice number 2: leave him to his own small petty world and move on, hard as this may seem for you in your first but decisive step.

 
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Old 05-05-2010, 09:17 AM   #9
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Re: Need to vent!

Quote:
Originally Posted by trystme View Post
What did you say????
Text-speak is ruining the brains of America! LOL
No one over the age of 16 can understand this.
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Old 05-05-2010, 12:16 PM   #10
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Re: Need to vent!

I understand how you feel, I stay at home and go to school at home and work at home. Because my schedule is flexible, I end up doing all the errands and then sometimes it looks like I haven't accomplished anything. The best advice I can give you is to be very careful about managing your time and set your priorities. It's very hard when you have to make your own schedule. Is there a way you can save some of the work for the weekend? Then maybe both of you can do it together. It's ok if you don't get everything done, you aren't superwoman and don't compare yourself to other women who seem to be perfect. They don't have the same amount going on that you do.

It sounds like he is not the type of guy that will let you cry on his shoulder, so I wouldn't ever expect that to change. (A cat it good for this you know).

I don't agree with the withholding sex, I know you don't feel like it, but I'm sure he will be much more understanding of your needs if you are of his. Use that to your advantage and make it a priority over all the other things. You will probably see him helping you alot more. Make sure you allow yourself to enjoy it too.

Definately take time out for yourself to keep your sanity. Just look at it as "If I'm not happy, nobody's happy." You really do need time for yourself or you turn into somebody you never thought you could be (if you know what I mean).

 
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Old 05-05-2010, 03:13 PM   #11
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Re: Need to vent!

Quote:
Originally Posted by goingdaffy View Post
I don't agree with the withholding sex, I know you don't feel like it, but I'm sure he will be much more understanding of your needs if you are of his. Use that to your advantage and make it a priority over all the other things. You will probably see him helping you alot more. Make sure you allow yourself to enjoy it too.
That's just it. How is she supposed to enjoy sex with him when she feels all she is to him is the free maid service, cook and warm meat just there to satisfy his needs, when she feels used and disrespected and not heard? I guess some women can enjoy sex regardless, but some women need the emotional intimacy, to feel valued and cherished by their partner in order to enjoy sex. I don't think she's withholding sex as a tactic. She just wouldn't enjoy it with him being treated the she's currently being treated by him.

 
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Old 05-05-2010, 03:57 PM   #12
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Re: Need to vent!

I'm sure she's not withholding to be mean. There have been many times when I felt like that, especially when I was tired all the time. But I think some guys just don't get that you need help and one way to get their help is by making them happy. I know this angers many women, but it works most of the time! It's one way to get what you want. Otherwise, you both are miserable.

 
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Old 05-05-2010, 05:15 PM   #13
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Re: Need to vent!

I don't like the idea of having sex as a means to an end. I think it should be for both partners' pleasure equally, not as a way to stay on someone's good side. I wouldn't want to have sex to get someone to do me favors any more than I would want to have sex for money. I'm not saying you're advocating her being a prostitute lol, but I think the lines get blurred whenever you use sex to get something else. I realize that's idealistic though and people have sex to get something else all the time - affection, approval, pride, etc etc etc., and people may not even be aware that they're doing this.

 
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Old 05-05-2010, 06:06 PM   #14
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Re: Need to vent!

I know they're not married yet, but isn't that one of the duties of a marriage partner, or am I way too old fashioned and don't think like the rest of the world? I'm not that old am I?

 
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Old 05-05-2010, 06:11 PM   #15
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Re: Need to vent!

Nope, don't agree. I do not believe that I should have to have sex with anyone if I don't want to. If my husband is treating me badly, or is belittling or ignoring me, or is taking advantage of my good nature, or something worse like verbal or physical abuse or cheating, I'm still supposed to give it up out of "duty"? Nope, not buying.
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