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Old 05-04-2010, 04:38 PM   #1
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Am I a bad person?

Right so late 2008 I started getting really really close to one of my female friends Sophie, shortly before Christmas we began to get intimate and this continued throughout the Christmas holidays. Then at a party she got with my bestfriend Harry. Having not really told anyone about our relationship I couldn't really be angry at him but then everything came out about Sophie and I, but Harry said that he liked her too. Despite the fact that Sophie and I kept seeing each other intimately, she eventually asked Harry out a few months later and he said yes despite knowing my feelings.

To put a long story short, regrettably Sophie cheated on Harry with me just over a month into their relationship (no sex) whilst we were both wasted. I felt so guilty but by the time I realized what had happened she'd already refuted any rumors about anything happening so I went along with it thinking it was just a one off. For the next six months Sophie and I went from extremes of not talking for weeks at a time as I tried to get her out of my system, to being intimate as she repeatedly told me that it was me she liked and that she was going to break up with Harry to be with me. During this time Harry and I's friendship completely deteriorated. I feel now like I was completely under her thumb - she truly made me feel crap about myself & the way I acted in those six months was completely out of character for me (the last week of the affair regrettably resulted in sex).

Despite the fact that I ended the 'affair' as it were and all contact (despite her trying to stay in contact) last summer I still feel so bad and guilty. No one else knows about any of it and I don't know what to do as they're still together. Harry deserves so much better than her but I don't know if I have the courage to tell him (I'm selfishly terrified of loosing all my friends if they were to find out) as apparently she's also cheated on him with a number of people since I broke it all off. What should I do? Am I a bad person? I think about what I did everyday.

 
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Old 05-04-2010, 06:14 PM   #2
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Re: Am I a bad person?

No, I don't think you're a bad person, no worse that most people. But as far as Harry deserving so much better than her, the fact is, she could just as easily say the same thing about you. Harry was your friend, and you went behind his back and slept with the girl who had become his girlfriend. She coudl say Harry deserves a better friend than you. I wouldn't try to claim the moral high ground here if I were you.

You mentioned that she "apparently" had cheated on Harry with other men. Your use of the word "apparently" leads me to believe it's mostly hearsay, rumors and secondhand stories, but no concrete proof, right?

If you hadn't slept with her while she was with Harry, then I might say he probably deserves to know. BUT...the fact that she was with you first, and she kind of dumped you to be with Harry, then Harry would assume that you were just trying to break them up out of jealousy. Plus the fact that you slept with her after he started dating her gives her an advantage. Depending on how strongly Harry feels about her, she could even tell him you slept with her and that you're starting rumors about her sleeping with other people to break them up or get back at her for dumping you. I don't see any good coming from you telling him she's cheating. You could very easily come out the bad guy.

If he really feels that strongly about her, he would assume you were lying and just trying to break them up and it would end your friendship with him. Just tell him you don't know anything for sure, but you've heard stories and for him to keep his eyes open and you just don't want to see him hurt. then it's on him to look after himself, and you've done your duty. He will discover what she is soon enough.

 
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Old 05-04-2010, 10:01 PM   #3
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Re: Am I a bad person?

This is a tough one. I don't think you're a "bad person," but I would if you didn't learn from this and kept repeating the pattern with her or with someone else.

I wouldn't tell him if I were you, honestly. It's done now and it would cause a lot of harm -they would both hate you and each other.

The tricky part is it would seem immoral to me if, say, Harry confided in you and told you he was worried his girlfriend had cheated on him. Then if you said "well, I've heard this or that," but left yourself out of it, you would seem very manipulative and like a bold-faced liar. I would be worried that he'll find out about her cheating with someone else if she is in fact a chronic cheater, demand to know all the truth, and then find out about you from someone. If this happens, I would tell the truth. I guess my advice would be to deal with it on your own unless he asks you directly or confides in you and asks for advice about her cheating. If no one else brings it up, I wouldn't either. If he finds out one day from someone else, you'll probably lose a friend, but you can explain that you just wanted to leave their relationship alone and not cause anymore harm.

 
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Old 05-05-2010, 01:33 AM   #4
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Re: Am I a bad person?

I'd just like to point out that my friendship with Harry ended pretty much as soon as he started going out with Sophie. I haven't spoken to either of them since I ended it all last summer and I wouldn't consider either of them friends or potential partners (under no circumstances do I want to be with Sophie).

As for her cheating on him again, she's been seen cheating on him with two other people and then the rest of them are rumors. I'd also like to say that I'm now in a happy monogamous 6 month relationship so I don't want to break them up. I've never done anything like this before or since and I won't ever again.

I didn't do any of it out of spite, she kept telling me it was like we'd never stopped going out and when they first started going out I was absolutely devastated - it felt like the two people I was closest to in the world had betrayed me and that I'd then lost them. I honestly didn't do it out of jealousy, I thought for a very long time that she cared about me a lot and I suppose I was so deeply infatuated with her that I believed everything she said. I know that on some level I'm just as bad as she is, I'm not trying to take the moral high ground - but she's shown no remorse for any of it and has continued to cheat on him.

Last edited by Buzz46; 05-05-2010 at 01:50 AM.

 
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Old 05-05-2010, 07:23 AM   #5
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Re: Am I a bad person?

He will find out what she is in his own time and in his own way. It's not your problem anymore.

 
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