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Old 05-10-2010, 05:12 AM   #1
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Insecurities... lies and diaries

Hi,

I have been with my girlfriend for 1.5 years. She is my 3rd real relationship and i love her more then i ever have loved anyone.

Very early (waaaay too early i think) in our relationship (like 1month) we had the past history converstion. She told me that she had 5 partners in the 6 weeks before she met me and 4 of these were 1 night stands. I reacted badly to this, sure the total number wasnt such a big one... but the 1night stand thing made me feel like i was just another guy in her promiscous period. She assured me over and over that i was different and things were great and her past should not be relevant to what we have. Still this was a big issue for me and made me very insecure in the relationship.

However I was having so much fun that I let it continue. After 6 months i couldnt help but fall in love with this girl. At 10months we knew that she was going to be moving away so I always thought that we would not have a long term future so i should just enjoy the time and not worry. A month before she told me that the 4 one night stands were a lie, in fact her number was a big exageration and i was her 4th (she never had a one night stand). She said she felt inexperienced and so lied about her past. Then when i reacted so badly she found it impossible to come back on her lie. Also she said she was in a way defending her friends who would act in that way without batting an eyelid. This was very hard for me to swallow, why a girl would ly in this way and for so long. We delt with it and eventually i believed her... but there was always a doubt in my mind.

So i always an issues. I always wondered if she really loved me or it i was just another one of her encounters... who stuck around (we didnt have sex for a couple of weeks). Then these turn to issues of trust when sh told me of the ly, how could i know what was true? Distrust that she could keep such a ly knowing it was a issue for me. I always wondered if she really loved me.

When she left the whole thing was so intense for us both that we only then realised how much we loved each other. We have seen each other about every 6 weeks since and i really feel that we are strong now. She said at about 1 year that she thinks maybe i am the one for her. I also feel that she could be the one for me.

Last week i was left in her house while she went to work. I accidentally found her diary. I sat there for ages.... and i pondered how if I could 100% confirm her story that I could completely trust her and this things could be totally behind us. That the doubt could be removed and my insecurity could be fixed. I flicked tru it and tried to find a reference to the event. I did... and turns out that she was telling the truth.

The problem now is that i feel terrible for reading her diary. I really violated her privacy. I also saw that she was really unsure about us for a time when i thought were both totally head over heals in love... and that hurt me enormously. I didnt want to pry into all her thoughts, and i really didnt, but i just had to confirm that she is now in love with me as much as i am with her, otherwise i would have to get out fthe relationship. She is! Phew!

Now that i know the whole truth i feel that I can actually trust her completely. But still i read her diary and that is really terrible! If i tell her i think it would ruin the relationship and probably turn the whole insecurity thing upside down. For the first time i feel like i have full trust in her.

Now that i know this... how can i show my security without telling her what i did? I know being insecure would ultimately push her away or even cause her to cheat and that is the last thing i want

Should i tell her i read it? Would this ruin everything?

Last edited by marley09; 05-10-2010 at 06:13 AM.

 
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Old 05-10-2010, 05:34 AM   #2
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Re: Insecurities... lies and diaries

You should never read someones personal diary.. How would you feel if you had one and someone read it? You did the wrong thing but I don't see how telling her would ruin everything if that's what you decide to do. I'm sure she won't be happy but I don't think it's grounds for her to break up with you or anything. Personally I would just keep it to yourself if you can and never do it again!

Last edited by dirkson4; 05-10-2010 at 05:37 AM.

 
Old 05-10-2010, 05:38 AM   #3
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Re: Insecurities... lies and diaries

No, don't tell her you read it unless she asks. If she does ask, explain why you felt you had to read it. At least now you know the truth, and you can continue your relationship.

 
Old 05-10-2010, 06:06 AM   #4
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Re: Insecurities... lies and diaries

I would not confess to reading the diary.....
take it as a lesson learned.....and keep your mouth shut
if you ever tell her you did this, you can kiss this relationship AND the trust she has for you goodbye.

 
Old 05-10-2010, 06:24 AM   #5
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Re: Insecurities... lies and diaries

Thank you.

Yes, i think not telling her is the only real option. And yes this is a lesson learned. I can trust her... and i dont need to pry. Also a lesson that in relationships feelings vary, go up and down, and doubts are natural at times. You do not need to (or want to) know your partners every thought.

How can i show her my trust and security now? I cant tell her what i have done... but i cant appear to magically loose my insecurities. I'm sure if you asked her she would think that i am an insecure guy. Which i'm not really (at least not more then your average guy) its just that these issues have plagued me for so long. I know that girls recognise insecurity all to well and are strongly repelled by it.

Last edited by marley09; 05-10-2010 at 06:26 AM.

 
Old 05-10-2010, 06:43 AM   #6
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Re: Insecurities... lies and diaries

no you're right, you absolutely can't tell her, and you can't magically appear secure, but move in that direction in a subtle manner. Good luck

 
Old 05-10-2010, 09:34 AM   #7
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Re: Insecurities... lies and diaries

Don't tell unless she asks.
Also , stop reading it. Its like a life raft for your trust. You need to learn to trust her without snooping. With time you can learn. Iv'e been there...and you can learn to trust and let the insecurities go.

 
Old 05-10-2010, 09:05 PM   #8
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Re: Insecurities... lies and diaries

Awfully ironic that the only way you could totally trust her was to violate her trust. But I understand why you did it. She lied to you after all, and then she came clean, but in a strange way, so I can understand why you'd be confused.

Lying to make herself look more promiscuous. Boy have things changed from when I was young, and girls used to be ashamed about too many sexual partners instead of too few.

I agree, keep quiet about reading her diary. She doesn't need to know. and you don't have to worry about finding concrete ways of showing her you trust her now. Just do trust her.

And if I may, I think you guys should relax and take it easy. You're still so young. You don't have to stress out now about whether or not you're solid, or if you're "the one" for each other. If it's right, it will all work out.

 
Old 05-11-2010, 07:40 AM   #9
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Re: Insecurities... lies and diaries

You're a brave man--venturing into the depths of a woman's mind! Some things just are not worth the consequences. Regardless of what you found, I'm willing to bet that this issue will crop up some day and when it does, watch out! In the meantime, you're going to be overshadowed by guilt. You've put yourself in a very difficult situation.

 
Old 05-11-2010, 07:43 AM   #10
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Re: Insecurities... lies and diaries

I should also say, trust is built over time. Be patient. (Or, rather, you should have been patient.) You should learn to trust her naturally, and through her words and actions. That is the kind of trust upon which relationships are built. It can take time.

 
Old 05-12-2010, 08:26 AM   #11
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Re: Insecurities... lies and diaries

So i really want her to know that im not insecure anymore... I have realised that my insecurities were based around other things, not just the 'lie' I always had a gut feeling that she was not as madly in love with me as i was with her. I know 100% now that this was true... although i could always feel it. I also know 100% that she has now caught up with me... funny how being long distance can really bring out how strong you are.

So ive written her a letter about how i was insecure in the relationship before. How i could feel she was not as invested in it as i was, listing the reasons for this. I explain how the 8 months of long distance have made me see how much she loves me and why im no longer insecure. It will explain a lot of the arguement we had before.. and why i would take every little thing she did to heart.

Do ye think its a bad idea to give her this letter? I really want her to know this... and i think its important we start living together with this out in the open

 
Old 05-12-2010, 11:25 AM   #12
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Re: Insecurities... lies and diaries

Personally, I wouldn't give her the letter. I think saying that you were insecure, but now that you read her diary you're no longer insecure, is too black and white. You don't just solve all your insecurities overnight; it's a process. Something might come up again which will make the feelings return, you just don't see that because your mind is satisfied right now. I would just show her through my actions that I feel more confident. If it's really important to you that she read this particular letter and it will bother you if you don't give it to her, by all means do, I just think the issues will arise again and it would be better to show your security through your actions rather than words. If you start to feel insecure again, you'll just sound like the boy who cried wolf.

 
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