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Old 05-10-2010, 03:06 PM   #1
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bf being a jerk?

I suppose that i've been suffering from depression most of my life, i've always been really self conscious and these days I feel it even worse. A year after I finished high school I had gained and stayed that way for about a year, but now i've lost a good portion of it and felt a lot better, I was about 160lbs and went down to about 135lbs, but for whatever reason being with my boyfriend always makes me feel depressed, he is SO skinny and health conscious and I really dont see why he would want to be with me, I'm not fat, but i'm not that skinny either, I've been thinking of starting another diet and going to the gym, maybe I need to do this. I'm 5'6 and weigh about 135lbs. I started to feel really bad this weekend when we were in Las Vegas, I would see all these skinny girls in nice dresses and I just feel terrible whenever i look at pictures of myself or us together, the problem is also that he see's all of this and I know it doesnt make him feel too good. He doesn't say that i'm fat, but he says that I could lose a few pounds, I mean, is he being a jerk or is he simply trying to be helpful? i get all stupid over little things, for example, we went shopping and I was buying a sweater and when i tried on the medium size he liked how it looked but I felt that it was a little snug, and so I tried the large and he was like "the other looked better and makes you look skinnier too" and I felt kind of hurt by it, because generally I dont like really tight clothes although many women do.

is he being mean? or am I just being way too sensitive?

 
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Old 05-10-2010, 03:34 PM   #2
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Re: bf being a jerk?

You're being way too sensitive.

From what you posted he hasn't said anything off color. He just responds to what you say, and I think pretty tactfully. Guys really cannot win in the whole weight issue with women. Thats why they avoid it, thankfully.

 
Old 05-10-2010, 03:49 PM   #3
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Re: bf being a jerk?

Guys communicate differently than women do. It's natural for a guy to look at someone and be fairly blunt about their physical condition. If he says you could stand to lose a few, that doesn't mean he's not attracted to you. He's just being a guy.

You should go to the gym. Even if you didn't lose weight, being fit would make you more self-confident. It sounds to me more like you have a confidence issue than a bad boyfriend.

 
Old 05-10-2010, 03:58 PM   #4
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Re: bf being a jerk?

I want to thank both of you for the reality check, lol, i've been thinking about a gym, but i'm very shy and I'm not sure if I'd actually end up going. This is good advice though, I will look into it.

 
Old 05-10-2010, 09:52 PM   #5
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Re: bf being a jerk?

From what you've said, I think it's possible your boyfriend is being a tad insensitive. It's not really his place to tell you "you need to lose a few pounds." I mean, women have eyes and a mirror. Most of us know all too well what we look like and how many pounds we could stand to lose.

I don't know if I would say he's being a "jerk," but if you don't like him commenting on your body all the time, and I can't say I blame you there, just smile and say "uh, I have a mirror, thanks." and NEVER EVER ask him how you look or if you look fat today or whatever.

But I always say, if there's something you don't like about yourself, then change it. Only you can. I say go to the gym if you want to. If you're too shy to go to the gym, something most normal people do, then it would seem you've got some fairly serious insecurity issues you need to deal with. At 5'6" and 130-some pounds, and probably what, a size 8? That's certainly nothing to be ashamed about at all. It's not like you're a size 22 and can't walk up a flight of stairs. You're here, this is your life and you only get one, and you've got to make the most of the life the Good Lord gave you and you can't do that with the corner you've painted yourself into. You've decided to be so seriously unhappy about how you look that you're ultra sensitive to any remark your boyfriend makes, but then you are too scared and shy to go to a gym. You've created a catch-22, darned if you do darned if you don't situation for yourself. You want to shape up but how are you going to do that if you don't go to a gym, or go walking around your neighborhood or whatever?

Perhaps you could talk to someone, a professional analyst or counselor, regarding why you feel so bad about yourself. But in the end, you've got to be your own best friend in this life. I hope you can find a way to do that for yourself. Once you feel good and strong about who you are as a whole, then what you see in the mirror will look so much better to you, and then whatever tiny things you'd like to fix, you'll be able to work on them without shame, guilt or embarrassment, and then what your boyfriend thinks won't matter. Good luck.

 
Old 05-11-2010, 11:13 AM   #6
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Re: bf being a jerk?

Yikes...5'6" and 135! I'm 5' 2 1/2" and 128. I must he a heifer! LOL I understand that this is a very serious issue for you, so sorry if I laughed, but you have my dream height and probably my dream figure! It's all a matter of perception.

If you'd like to shape up, there's other ways than going to a gym. I go for long walks and do low impact aerobics at home. I found this really fun salsa dancing DVD that I do in my living room. And, of course, watch what you eat.

As for your BF, maybe he's picked up on your feelings about your weight? Are you always saying "I'm so fat!" to him? He might think it's true, or he might just be agreeing with you because you say it so often.

Getting fit will hurt no one, it's healthy. As for the BF, maybe ask him to tone it down a bit...but you have to tone it down if it's you doing it too.
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Old 05-11-2010, 05:18 PM   #7
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Re: bf being a jerk?

thank you guys for you comments, I appreciate it.

I know you're all correct, and currently I am in therapy actually for a bunch of other issues, everyone else tells me that i'm pretty skinny (well, not skinny skinny but a good weight). I think I started this dilemma since Im always complaining about my weight and he's probably started to notice it since I notice it so much, but yes, I'm going to attemp going to the gym or doing more active stuff. I suppose it just makes me nervous around him because he's skinny and I feel like we look so... not right together...but yes, it's all about self confidence and I definitely need to build some.

thank you!

 
Old 05-11-2010, 05:26 PM   #8
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Re: bf being a jerk?

mostly, I think my main problem is my stomach, it needs to be flatter.

When we first started dating I asked him what he thought I could fix on my body and he really didn't want to say anything but I wanted to know so he said "I guess just your stomach" and ever since then i've been very self conscious about weight and about how that looks with different clothes. It was my mistake.... and now everytime i'm with him I feel like he's judging me and if he makes any comments I feel completely terrible

 
Old 05-11-2010, 06:22 PM   #9
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Re: bf being a jerk?

Well, if it helps I can vouch that some guys are NOT hung up on weight. Due to an undiagnosed (until recently) thyroid condition, I went from 135 lbs when I met my fiance to 225 lbs. If I had asked, he would have said that yes, I was fat (I knew better!) but at the same token he still wants to marry me. He's 6'3" and normal weight, so it's not like he has to stay with someone at my weight, he could have his pick. But he wants me and he's standing by me now as I go through treatment to get my thyroid under control. We've been together 9 years.

If your guy is a good catch, pay more attention to how he behaves than any awkwardness in his wording.

 
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