I've been with my boyfriend for 3 months. We met in high school, dated then, broke up, and ended up at the same university and what not, where we ended up getting back together.
Anyways, I had all of his trust, until the other night where I lost it all. We had done something that was new for him, and something he wasn't all too comfortable with but trusted me to do it and not mess it up. A while after it happened, I felt the need to brag about it to our mutual friend because she was curious of the thing we did (not so much because of him and I). I didn't feel like lying to him about telling her, so I did, and he got really upset.
The next day we were talking about it, and he told me stop, so I changed the conversation. This ended up going to something his ex had written in her name about him. What went from being a simple question on my part turned into a huge fight. Which was not my intention at all, I started a separate conversation and that slipped in.
Later that night we talked it out. Well, he talked and I sat there and took it. The gist of it all was:
- I lost his trust because I told someone something extremely private that he wanted to be kept between us.
- I didn't think of how it would effect him by telling her, ie, only thinking of him as an after thought.
- I tend to think for myself instead of putting him first.
- Things have to be "my way or no way" (in his opinion)
- I throw things in his face, ie, he gets mad at me for something I do when he does it too (therefore, I bring it up) or when I get mad about something he's doing, he gets mad that I'm mad about it, and I bring up how he got mad when I did it, which just causes him to get worse.
- I seem to always need other people to tell me stuff before I fully understand or do it, even though I've been thinking of it on my own.
He says he doesn't want a project, he wants a girlfriend.
And that with the way things are going, i am the former not that latter.
I really want this to work, because I truly do love him, and came really close to losing him because of my actions.
How do I regain his trust?
How do I show him I am fixing the negative qualities I have?
Those are some pretty minor issues in the grand scheme or relationships. If you're going to be in a long-term relationship and make it work, you'll have to learn how to work through issues like this--generally by having a rational conversation and making an effort to address the issues from both sides. Every couple, even the best couples, bicker about stuff. However, if these little differences continually become big issues between you, then that may tell you something about your overall compatibility.
I agree with Caberg. However, you didn't say what it is that you did, then talked about to lose his trust. Now I understand that you probably dont want to disapoint him yet again by placing it out on the "information super highway". But what I'm getting at is that even though the idea of talking about something to your girlfriend might about a private matter may seem like no big deal, the subject of what you were talking about may have been. Does that make any sense? On the other hand, some men just have no idea that NOTHING is sacred between a girl and her mother, her sister, and her best friends. In fact, they no more then probably your spouse or boyfriend ever will. So this may be a lesson that he needs to accept. Like Caberg said, you might be comming up against one of the many roadblocks of incompatibility. Me personally, unless the subject was telling your friend about a murder, or some other type of felony that the two of you committed together, then I cant see where the huge breech of trust is. Girls talk to their friends, its a simple rule of life. Perhaps he feels a little out of control of the situation? Like if he cant control who you talk to and about what you talk about, then he isn't in control at all.....and if he cant control you, then he doesnt want you. Just a guess, but I'd take a good hard look at "HIM" if I were you. Good luck.
From reading your post I get the overall sense that he feels he has no control in the relationship. It doesnt necessarily mean its true, but he is feeling powerless. He feels that you will do or say whatever you want, and if he reacts or expresses his feelings you will throw it back in his face.
I imagine he feels you do not validate his feelings or respect his position.
I used to be a "my way or the highway" kind of girl, until I realized how my (now ex) felt like his opinions and concerns never mattered. Becasue I was always batting them off with a reason or an excuse as to why I was allowed to act like that.
Regardless of whether you feel justified or "right", when discussing someones issues with you, its is best to actively LISTEN. Really HEAR them, and try to understand their point of view. Tell them you understand why they feel that way and try to see your role in the issue.
It doesnt mean you have to roll over and play the door mat. By all means you should also speak your mind, but you can do without throwing it back in his face. "Well you did this so I did this" is not a good way to solve a problem.
If one person in a relationship feels thay are not being "heard" and taken seriously, they begin to feel powerless and resentment. You can avoid making him feel that way by listening anf thinking before you react to what he has to say. His feelings are real and they are truth to him, so try and respect that (even if you dont agree). He should also do the same for you. It is about mutual respect and communication.
thank you all for your input.
the issue involving losing trust was telling someone something we did during sex, that also very much entailed the "loss of control" from him.
that does make sense, because he's always been the kind of guy to be in control of other relationships. but i've always been the more independent kind of person. although i don't overly want to change how i am, i want this to work.
in response to resolution09, he just assumed i'd keep it confidential, never actually said "do not tell anybody this"
I guess the test would be...how would you feel if he told a buddy about something you did to him during sex? Would you feel violated, embarrassed, hurt, upset? Or would you be totally ok with him saying "oh yeah, she really likes to ___ (insert sex act here)", or "guess what she did last night?"
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong
honestly, if the shoe was on the other foot, i really wouldn't care what he told his buddies.
i've had our friends walk in and watch.
we've had conversations with our friends about our sex life.
what i did to him, he had done to me, and he didn't care that i told the same person, who happened to be a mutual friend.
there was one thing that used to bother me though,
he'd always whine to his friends, even ones i didn't know, while i was around, that i'd never go on top.. even though i would sometimes..
difference there though is, you're criticizing our sex life in front of people i don't know, where as, i am telling a friend we share about something we did, a friend who has kept every secret i have ever told her as well as every secret he has ever told her.
but that's not so much the issue anymore.
issue is showing appreciation and gaining back his trust.
Well, I do think that you have clearly made a mistake. We all make mistakes. You have apologized to him right? You've told him that you won't do anything like that again right? Then hopefully soon he will be able to forgive you and you guys can move on. If he can't forgive you then that isn't a good sign.
Your friends have walked in and watched??? With this guy? Someone you love??
I am so glad I'm old. Yea, I know things happened "back then" too but....
(And of course all of the caveats apply...your business, your life, your actions, your self respect. But I just think sometimes it's the obligation of older folks to occasionally speak up and suggest that something might be over the top behavior just in case it might matter.)
Last edited by resolution09; 05-12-2010 at 02:13 PM.
Lol! Resolution09........I'm only 30, and reading through this, I felt know exactly how you feel.
Cadie, my first instinct was that maybe you guys tried something a little new and he didn't really want it blabbed. But that perhaps he overreacted because all you did was share something with your best friend.......a relationship that many of us women hold as dearly as we do our spouses. However, in light of your recent statements, I'm getting a completely different notion. It sounds like perhaps you are a little more........"advanced".....sexually, then your boyfriend is. I also have a feeling that maybe he is doing things with you just to keep up, but not necessarily because he enjoys it, or really wants to. And now with you telling other people about all of this, he is feeling overwhelmed. I think perhaps his getting angry at you is not as much about you telling the "secret", as it is that maybe he is ashamed, or perhaps very ill at ease with some of the things that y'all have done together. If I'm right, and at this point I'd bet money that I am, I dont think an appology for what you said is going to do it. I think maybe he wants to cool his life down a little, and this might be something you want to talk to him about. It might be that the two of you just are not right for each other, or maybe your willing to let some of these acts fall by the side. But I do think it might be a subject you want to bring up. And not in a judgemental, "you knew you could have allways said stop if you didn't want to", sort of a way. But really ask him if these are things that he likes and then see where the two of you stand.
i tried really hard not to laugh through most of that.
no chance am i more "sexually experienced" than him.
half the stuff i have tried and done now have only been with him, mostly his ideas too. what i did to him, he had done to me, and i jokingly suggested he let me do it to him and was very surprised when he said yeah, cause he's usually the one "taking control" in the bedroom..
resolution09, we were all drunk at my house, they left to go walk to the liquor store.. came back and barged in.. we were drunk.. so just kept going while they stood in the doorway...
Well then, this is new territory for me and I'm completely clueless! lol. At any rate, long story short, when two people who are only dating come up against such arguments and starting to look at, "making it work"................rarely does it actually work. You see, when you start talking about spending a lifetime with somebody, during your dating time is not the time you want to start developing serious relationship problems. Of course there are going to be arguments and disagreements, even fights. But at the end of the day, in my opinion, when your still in the dating phase, if it's the right person, there shouldn't be this intense need to "MAKE" it work. It either does or it doesn't. So, why draw it out and make it more painful? A lesson I myself have had to learn the hard way.
Unfortunately I do think he may have over reacted and it may be more about control for him.
I think you're right that you will have to be careful for a while and build trust back up. But I'd also advise that you not waste a lot of time with this if in a couple of months things don't seem to be back into a relaxed relationship stage or if you have any sort of repeat/similar problem. Love and compatibility are different things and it's entirely possible that you could love him but still not meant to be with him for the long run. You've only been back together a short time. If things become easier, wonderful. But if it appears keeping him is becoming a project, move on. I doubt it will be all that long before you can tell the difference.
we're acting like ourselves again, and i'm really happy for that.
i don't know if this could have anything to do with things though.
my parents have been in domincan for the past two weeks and he's been living with me..
a lot of my friends have suggested that maybe cause we're spending SO much time together things have been getting rocky..
we are only three months in, so it was kind of a big move. but hopefully it gets better now, because it is already starting to.