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Old 05-13-2010, 05:13 PM   #1
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Being friends with your ex

I am currently in a committed relationship and am also friends with my ex (my first bf). My current bf approach me one day and said he noticed my ex comments frequently on my FB page (never in a flirtatious or in a way that implies that he wants me back). He just says that he notices he comments a lot and wanted to know why.

For the most part I feel there are few circumstances which keeping ties with your ex is acceptable (children, when there is no romantic interest, both parties have moved on). Although I have dated many men, I kept ties with none of them except my first bf. I met him when I was 18 and we dated on and off for 4.5 years. At 18 how much do you really know about what you want in a partner, especially when its your first relationship? What I did know was that JIM* had everything that I thought I wanted, except for one little thing. We had zero romantic chemistry, compatibility. I thought things would get better with time, and if they didn't I thought I would just learn to deal with it. I didn't think it was possible to find everything you wanted in one person. Had this been the case now, I would have ended things much sooner. When we had sex, he turned things into a wrestling/tickling match. He'd always do something for a laugh, but this become very obnoxious after a while. Instead of ever opening a door for me, he'd intentionally hurry ahead of me, open the door for himself and closed it on me. He wasnt trying to be mean, but he loved to agitate. He did these kinds of things to everyone, but I thought it was odd he'd do it to his gf. Anytime he tried to be chivalrous or compliment me in some way, it didnt sound natural only sarcastic. His friends would always joke (i think) and say before me Jim never had a gf so they started to wonder if he was gay. As far as I know, he hasn't really dated any women to this day. He is always around beautiful women though because he does club promotions on the side. But ever since I ended things, he never once tried to get back together with me. He said he just wants me happy, and I want the same for him.

However, he and I always had such a great time together goofing around and whatnot. I am an only child, and he was like the brother I never had. This is why is still is part of the family. My family talks to him on the phone from time to time, but they aren't secretly hoping that one day we end up together. Both Jim and I know we were not right for eachother, but we are fortunate to still remain friends 3,000 miles away (I moved away a few years ago).

Honestly, my current bf has nothing to worry about. I have explained it to him, and I think my mom has as well. I can see myself marrying this guy one day, and I would never want him to see my ex as a threat.

 
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Old 05-13-2010, 07:36 PM   #2
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Re: Being friends with your ex

You say your current boyfriend has just "noticed" that your ex comments on your page a lot, but you didn't say whether your current boyfriend has a big problem with it or not. Is it a problem for your current boyfriend? If not, then I really don't see the issue. But since you're writing here, I guess we can assume your current bf seems to have a big problem with your ex posting on your page.

I think you have to weigh the pros and cons. How important is your ex to you? How important is your current guy? How far is your guy intending to push this? Is he insisting "cut the ex out of your life now or I'm done!!" ? It sounds like there's nothing untoward going on between you and the ex and hopefully your current guy will be reasonable and not force you to choose. Just keep all communications with the ex in the open and above board.

 
Old 05-13-2010, 07:44 PM   #3
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Re: Being friends with your ex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
You say your current boyfriend has just "noticed" that your ex comments on your page a lot, but you didn't say whether your current boyfriend has a big problem with it or not. Is it a problem for your current boyfriend? If not, then I really don't see the issue. But since you're writing here, I guess we can assume your current bf seems to have a big problem with your ex posting on your page.

I think you have to weigh the pros and cons. How important is your ex to you? How important is your current guy? How far is your guy intending to push this? Is he insisting "cut the ex out of your life now or I'm done!!" ? It sounds like there's nothing untoward going on between you and the ex and hopefully your current guy will be reasonable and not force you to choose. Just keep all communications with the ex in the open and above board.
Yeah, my current bf said that he has been noticing over time that my ex always comments of my FB page. I could tell he was a little annoyed, so I explained to him everything that I previously stated about my ex. The reason we remain friends is b/c neither of us has those romantic feelings for one another and the fact that he is like a brother to me. I ''think'' he understands. I know it is a very unique situation. I just hope that maintaining close ties with my ex isnt going to be bad news for our relationship. I wouldnt want our relationship to go south because of it.

On the other hand, I despise the fact that he remain friends with his ex because she is clearly not over him and also sees me a threat due to comments she has made about me. He understands and respects my wishes.

I just dont want to sound like a hypocrite.

 
Old 05-13-2010, 08:42 PM   #4
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Re: Being friends with your ex

I can understand why you'd feel that way, but I don't think it's hypocritical. Your ex respects your relationship and poses no threat to it. His ex does not respect you or the relationship and although probably poses no real threat, does not want to see him happy with you and does not respect or support the relationship. Not really the same situation. She's not just a good old friend, she's trying to tear your relationship asunder.

 
Old 05-14-2010, 08:23 AM   #5
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Re: Being friends with your ex

From a guy's perspective, it's not about an ex being a "threat" and it has nothing to do with being insecure in the relationship. It's just... weird. It's someone else who shared the same intimate moments with the one you love. My wife and I have a sort of unspoken rule that we don't talk much about exes and we certainly don't carry on any sort of relationship with them. We've been together for 8 years, married 3, have one child, and it's been working for us.

 
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