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Old 05-13-2010, 10:13 PM   #1
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Is it possible to never love again?

I am in a very difficult and upsetting situation. I am in love with a man who has no idea of that fact and who I dont think ever wants to get into a relationship again. He's about 12 years older than me and is divorced with children. After his divorce he finally got around to dating and gave his heart away to a woman, who left him without any explanation. Changed her phone number and just DISAPPEARED. He had been so crazy in love with her he never noticed the warning signs. He found out much after their breakup that she was a married mother of kids passing her sweet time with him

He was depressed for a LONG time, I did my best as a friend to help him overcome that depression. While I can say he has recovered a great deal from that whole depressing time in his life, he has been burnt so badly and has really lost all faith in women and relationships.... he says he cant ever be in a relationship again. Sometimes he says he would like to.. by next year or so... but then most of the time he says he just doesnt have it in him anymore to get involved with someone.

Am I wasting my time? We have hooked up twice in the past.... but those were just weak moments.... once I did tell him I'm falling for him and he asid we're both in very different places in our lives, we can only be friends and we'll see if something else comes of it. 7 months passed, we remained friends. We met just recently after 6 months of not meeting but talking almost daily.... we again hooked up, and we parted saying we're friends. I find it so very hard to call him my friend to look into his eyes and say best friends forever when my heart screams I love you and my eyes expel rivers of tears praying for him and thinking of him literally every single night.

I need advice. Do you guys think he may never love again? Am I fooling myself? I'm not even looking for reciprocation at this point... I honestly just purely love him and want whats best for him, whether if its with me or not. It hurts to even say it or think it, but it is what it is. I just wish he would be able to open his eyes and see I genuinely care for him, the witch he was with before was just a bad experience if nothing else. I am willing to take on the responsibility of his children and nurturing a happy loving relationship as a whole family.... Ive never cared for someone so deeply before, its a love I've never felt before and I dont want to lose it, but at the same time I dont want to lose our friendship by telling him how I feel again. I think he's missing out on what could possibly be a great relationship and future for us both by dwelling on the past and thinking that everyone is the same.

What should I do?? Is there anything I can do??

Last edited by frozenteardrop; 05-13-2010 at 10:19 PM.

 
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Old 05-13-2010, 11:38 PM   #2
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Re: Is it possible to never love again?

I am sorry to say this, perhaps it is not what you wish to hear, but the guy has been honest with you, he does not want a relationship with you specifically-but he also has said he is not ready for anything with anyone else. You owe to respect that, if you really mean what you say, because loving him means respecting what HE wants, not what you want.
You don't resque someone if he does not want to be resqued. He needs time to work it oout within himself. We learn from our experiences, and we need to integrate those experiences and built from there. He obviously has not done that-at least not yet-and pushing him will only drive him further away from relationships. He had a shock from this, and he needs to work it out of his system, learn what he could have done, see the tell tell signs that were there (for sure) but he ignored them, because he was going by soul and not mind. Perhaps he needed that experience, and now needs to integrate it all and see the lesson or silver lining. Pressure does not help, and you only drive him away. He can see that you want him and he states it clearly-he does not want relationship again, and maybe he will one day, but you were there as a catalyst to resque him. If you can't just be his friend and let it go, you are only getting deeper and deeper in this, and attach yourself and hope in vain. It could not be healthy for you either.
I hope you take the time to work this out within you too, and integrate those feelings which you put out there, and realistically finally see, that his heart is not available to love again, and when he is ready he may do this, but perhaps with someone who will break his heart again.
Take care! Don't let yourself fall even deeper and get some counselling!

 
Old 05-13-2010, 11:52 PM   #3
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Re: Is it possible to never love again?

You are right, it makes a lot of sense what you said. I think I would be lucky to have him in my life even if just as friends, so for that sake and for his sanity and to respect his wishes, I guess this is all just a dream that I shall lay to rest. Some things just are not meant to be, huh? It hurts no doubt, and I was hoping for someone to come and give me a little bit of what I wanted to hear, but I needed to hear an outsiders perspective to put me in check and to help me figure this thing out. You did just that, so thanks.

As a friend or as a lover, anyone who is lucky enough to be in his presence, is truly one of the luckier ones in life... I'd go so far as to even say.. blessed. So, I guess I dont lose after all. You never know what the future may hold (and no Im not holding onto hope -- just saying)

Last edited by frozenteardrop; 05-13-2010 at 11:54 PM.

 
Old 05-14-2010, 06:52 AM   #4
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Re: Is it possible to never love again?

I think that the only way he will be able to be in a relationship with someone is by building trust. Stay his friend, resist the "hook ups" and be supportive. Don't dwell on anything in the past concerning you or him. Don't let him stew around in his misery either. Try and be supportive but upbeat and by just being there you will build trust over time.

But don't stay single for the sake of this man. You should date and continue to be friends with him. Set a good example regarding dating. Dating isn't marriage but a way for people to select who they like in the end. You may end up meeting the right person for you while you are setting this good example, who knows?! He may also come around to the fact that you are a supportive, caring and loving person and want to be with you. I think taking sex out of the equation is really essential in your circumstance because it will really affect you in the long run if he doesn't come around to being your partner.

 
Old 05-14-2010, 07:29 AM   #5
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Re: Is it possible to never love again?

He may love again, but I wouldn't hold out hope that it will be you. He's already been given that chance.

The whole "we're in different places" routine is nothing but a lame excuse. If there's chemistry flowing both ways, then sparks will fly. If not, then not. Move on.

And, those moments of weakness? He used you.

 
Old 05-14-2010, 07:35 AM   #6
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Re: Is it possible to never love again?

It's possible that he will love again, many people who get badly burned and who swear off the opposite sex end up finding someone and loving again. So I think if the right woman comes along, he could love again, but that woman is not you.

The time table you've laid out isn't very clear. Did you know him while he was dating this married woman who disappeared? IF so, why was he with her and not you? You see, you're just not the woman he's looking for. and if he ever did decide to take a chance on love again, it would not be with you. You're just the woman he sleeps with every once in a while when he's lonely and horny and needs a little temporary comfort. But he doesn't see you as anything serious or long term, and never would.

I would suggest that you stop sleeping with him. You're not the one he wants in the long run, and it's obviously causing you pain to just be his temporary port in the storm. It's self nullifying to allow a man to use you like this and you're only hurting yourself by doing it. Be his friend all you want, but be self respecting enough to not give yourself to someone who you know deep down will never return your feelings.

 
Old 05-14-2010, 11:24 AM   #7
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Re: Is it possible to never love again?

He will love again. Whether or not it's you he will love, well that's a different question. But people need love, its a physiological fact! Without love, humans fail to thrive. So yes, he will.

 
Old 05-14-2010, 12:02 PM   #8
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Re: Is it possible to never love again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
It's possible that he will love again, many people who get badly burned and who swear off the opposite sex end up finding someone and loving again. So I think if the right woman comes along, he could love again, but that woman is not you.

The time table you've laid out isn't very clear. Did you know him while he was dating this married woman who disappeared? IF so, why was he with her and not you? You see, you're just not the woman he's looking for. and if he ever did decide to take a chance on love again, it would not be with you. You're just the woman he sleeps with every once in a while when he's lonely and horny and needs a little temporary comfort. But he doesn't see you as anything serious or long term, and never would.

I would suggest that you stop sleeping with him. You're not the one he wants in the long run, and it's obviously causing you pain to just be his temporary port in the storm. It's self nullifying to allow a man to use you like this and you're only hurting yourself by doing it. Be his friend all you want, but be self respecting enough to not give yourself to someone who you know deep down will never return your feelings.
I met him about 2-3 months after the breakup with that married woman.

 
Old 05-14-2010, 12:42 PM   #9
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Re: Is it possible to never love again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by frozenteardrop View Post
I met him about 2-3 months after the breakup with that married woman.
I see. So at least we know he didn't choose her over you. But I'm afraid basically, what I said still stands. I really wouldn't waste anymore time hanging around waiting for him to love me if I were you. Keep getting out there, keep meeting new people, and stop sleeping with him. It'll only hurt that much worse when he finally is ready to love again and chooses someone new to start over with. You're transitional woman, not the next long term woman.

 
Old 05-14-2010, 06:08 PM   #10
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Re: Is it possible to never love again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
I see. So at least we know he didn't choose her over you. But I'm afraid basically, what I said still stands. I really wouldn't waste anymore time hanging around waiting for him to love me if I were you. Keep getting out there, keep meeting new people, and stop sleeping with him. It'll only hurt that much worse when he finally is ready to love again and chooses someone new to start over with. You're transitional woman, not the next long term woman.



 
Old 05-15-2010, 06:44 AM   #11
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Re: Is it possible to never love again?

I'm sorry, of course it's not what you want to hear and it sucks. But honestly, we as women have to look at these things realistically. He's got you right there, right in front of him, loving him and wanting to be with him, and instead of sweeping you up in his arms and saying "oh, now I know why those other relationships didn't work, if they had, I never would be with you!", instead he's holding you at arm's length, warning you every now and again not to fall for him because he is not going to love you back. He's told you what the deal is, now you just have to listen, believe him, and make your own choices accordingly. Good luck.

 
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