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Old 05-14-2010, 09:10 PM   #1
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relationship advice needed

Hello I got a wonderful girlfriend..we have been seeing each other for more then two years..we were engaged..but we moved back to girlfriend/boyfriend status..due to my girlfriends doubts and life..etc..school

we have had some talks serious ones...two big ones..where we are honest..not fights.just talks about feelings and being honest..we talk alot about everything and our open..which is good.

the two talks where about her doubts..not sure if I am the one..if she wants this relationship...if she is ready..the two big talks where about this..she has/had feelings for another guy her ex long time ago..but still has feelings.she came to the conclusion though that she was just using that as a way to escape..because she says she doubts if she is ready or not..

I dont know what to think..we worked it out..after these big talks..we came to the conclusion as we are now..we are gonna and try working it out...I've asked her plainly..do you love me and want to be with me..she says yes..but she is affraid of her doubts..she is affraid that they may be true or to big to get over..I said I am willing to work it out with you.if you want..

I said to her..I love you..you gotta decide whats best..for you and for others..I said its not fair for both of us to keep each other stringed along..you gotta decide

honestly..the two big talks hurt me inside..the first one i was able to easily get over..the last one...just touches my heart..I love her..but I know its not good for people to string each other along..if its not meant to be..I just want advice

she does seem distant..I am confused at times...she loves me and displays affection..as if everything is ok..but she does seem distant...I just want her to get over her doubts..or make a choice I love her enough to admit to let her go...but I need to take care of myself and not get stringed along

 
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Old 05-14-2010, 09:30 PM   #2
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Re: relationship advice needed

she says she has a sense and fear..of not being free..like she hasnt experienced that yet..she is only 21 im 27..she says she kinda wants to be independent and like experience that..living on own..etc

 
Old 05-15-2010, 04:12 AM   #3
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Re: relationship advice needed

I think that is a sensible position for her to take...she is young, she does need to learn enough about herself, and the world... to make many decisions that lie ahead for her.

What are you asking her to do? Marry you? Otherwise, you are all ready dating. Putting the pressure on for her to make any decisions will surely be counterproductive. If you have two of these serious talks, and her answer remains the same, I would accept her answer. and decide if that is enough for you.

If your fear is that she is stringing you along, only you can decide. If you do not feel she is able to provide you what you need, I would make the hard choice and move on.

There is a big difference in 21 and 27.

 
Old 05-15-2010, 10:03 AM   #4
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Re: relationship advice needed

21 is just a kid. My ex husband pressured me to get engaged when I was only 20. Funny thing, he was just a year older, but he wanted to get out of his family's home and have his own family. At 20, I was waaaayyy too young to make a lifetime commitment...but I bowed to his pressure because he threatened to break up with me if I didn't agree to marry him. A month after my 22nd birthday, I did...and there we were, divorced after 12 years of marriage and a child.

I sometimes think if he'd backed off, let me be a kid for a few years, not pressured me, and waited until I was grown up and ready, the marriage might have worked. But it didn't, because I had to grow up while I was married, and I grew into a woman who wasn't right for him.

I'd say either take the pressure off, stop with the "talks" and let her have her time...or let her go. Because no good will come from her feeling pressure to do what YOU want, within YOUR timetable.
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Old 05-15-2010, 10:28 AM   #5
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Re: relationship advice needed

Yeah, I'm kind of in this situation, only reversed, and also I'm not expecting anyone to marry me, lol. But honestly, I'm 21yrs old and I'm going to agree with everyone else, I've been having issues with not knowing to just let things "be" instead trying to push things to get more and more serious faster, and that just isn't the way to go. She is only 21 and 21 is just a kid, barely becoming a real adult, you're 27, that's a big age difference and most importantly the mentality is huge! Just think about yourself when you were 21, I doubt you would have wanted to be tied down. The best thing to do, which is what i'm trying to do now, is that if she loves you and still wants to be with you, just do that, be with her. You really need to let her grow and experience whatever she needs to experience at this point in her life.

I would suggest not to have the "serious" talk so much, you should be enjoying the time rather than looking at the future, remember that the moment is now not tomorrow, tomorrow doesn't exist, only this moment.

But also, if you're at the point in your life where you are looking for a wife, since you are 27 and all, maybe this person isn't exactly the right one. You can't change people, if she is not ready, she simply isn't, if you can live with that and wait, good for you, if not, you may want to rethink being in the relationship.

good luck!

 
Old 05-15-2010, 02:32 PM   #6
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Re: relationship advice needed

Lots of good advice here...I would applaud your girlfriend for knowing when to say no...many young women do bow down under pressure, with lifelong regrets to prove it...like Redneon pointed out.

 
Old 05-15-2010, 08:26 PM   #7
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Re: relationship advice needed

the thing is..I haven't pressured her..its more the other way around..I proposed because i wanted too..but she gave me hints to propose..I only have serious talks when she wants to..or I feel it is needed..I dont pressure her as you guys say..Im actually quite open to her needs and opinions..I couldnt pressure her that way like some people..Im open to waiting..and letting her go

the thing is..I do love her..and I understand she wants to be free independent and a kid...we talked again last night..you gotta realize I just let her talk.I just listen..I just dont know what to do...its hard I wil admit that..like everybody we cling on and want them to be with us marry us etc..
but i do realize I can wait and give her time...I just want her to be honest and share her feelings and decide whats best..

the thing is..we realized last night..she does want to be with me.and marry me..that is what her heart says.but I know she may just want time..and I can give her that..if need be..I guess Im just looking for assurance if she needs time...and if I wait..will she still feel the same..if that has to happen

 
Old 05-15-2010, 08:30 PM   #8
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Re: relationship advice needed

like im the type of person deep down..even though I fight it..if its not meant to be..and she is meant for another..then its best..but I know ill fight if its meant to be..fight for her..

the thing is..she kind of answers her own fears..she says her heart is with me and loves me and wants to be with me..but she says her doubts and fear scar her away and make her think..

I say to her..if your heart is saying this..what does that say about her doubts and fears....

 
Old 05-16-2010, 12:34 AM   #9
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Re: relationship advice needed

Maximus, I am so sorry to hear, the one sided love relationship.
I will give my opinion, that when she was still in love with her X, and did not come to disolve that bond and the deep feelings that go along with it, that is one problem. She said that she only found that as an excuse later on, but I personally believe that she didn't want to hurt you with the truth. It appears to me, that you love her more then she loves you, and when love comes her way easily, perhaps she takes it for granted.

If she was engaged to you, then moved to girfriend, it could not be that good.
In my belief, you are getting yourself hurt, and she wants it both ways for you to be there, but she does not want commitment either. I know far too many people who have been with much age difference then 6 years, and 21 is not as a kid as others say.
If she was in love with you, she would not be keeping herself at distance.
Perhaps you may need to be the one to make the break, perhaps she knows you love her and you sound a great guy and fear to make a mistake in break up with you and lose you and may regret it later. Convinience is not the same as love, and love for a friend is another.
You don't sound/seem the control freak who takes over, and if she needs freedom (from what?), then I would suggest you start looking for your own needs, and let her go, but take the action, by knowing what is best for you. You can later on, if you are still free, and some lucky girl has not snapped you and still think you are meant to be together, life has a way, of magnetizing toward you the person who thinks and feels the way you do, if you both feel that way down the track. I think you both will be happier if you just break it, without strings attached and hanging on to one's decision placidly, she will never make her mind. Desire which makes you know you want to be with that person, is one thing, friendship is another.
I believe she needs the space-rather then the freedom-while being unattached-to let go of the past bond. It seems she was in love with him, and if she does not feel the same with you (which appears to me so), then she needs the space and time, as long as it takes, to do some emotional work, and move on. Meanwhile, she will grow up, even by doing so, though it takes time to do this. Hanging around waiting without knowing what the result would be, appears to me, that you will be hurt badly as well as blame her for it, where as the responsible thing would be to break it up since you are both at different ends of the stick, and if it works well, it will show down the track. If not, at least it would give both of you the space to see-what you really, really want.

Sorry, maybe it is not what you may want to hear, but staying passive in a relationship that the other has different feelings and desires, is not possitive for you. Only if you make a permanent break, without the wait and the longing, you will be able to let go and work out the feelings whether positively or moving on. There has to be a termination, and space, before you work out the answer.
I hope this makes you think, but the decision as you see, is always yours.
Take care!

 
Old 05-16-2010, 02:46 AM   #10
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Re: relationship advice needed

actually things are better..she realized she really does love me...that she was just having doubts..like we all do..and making it bigger then it really was..I know she does have issues..like we all do...she talked to her parents grandparents..friends about this...she realized she was affraid of commitment..and some stuff..and she prayed

we realized she just affraid because she is maturing.but really wants to be with me..the other guy..she realized was just a past thing..hasnt seen him for 5 years..think it was just a past what if..or hurt or what not

thing is..I am glad she was honest with everything...I know on my end.i was just very affraid of losing her

we do talk about everything..whcih is good

things are better..I am glad we talked it out this past week..just really scared me

 
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