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Old 05-16-2010, 12:28 PM   #1
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Fear of intimacy

It's the first time of my life that I realise that the person I am in love with has a fear of intimacy. Until now I couldn't understand what was wrong with me and he refuses to let go and open up to me an let me come closer to him. I thought that he disliked me a lot. And for that reason I was always getting angry at him and trying to get away from him. But he was always coming back to me. One year has gone and it's now, after many stuff that I've read, old blogs of him that he had many awful rejections in the past that he was accusing himself of being an "idiot" and that noone accepts him for what he is, that he hates being the person that he is. Unfortunately it's me now that is dealing with the consquenses of this, and I'm drawn into this, he has taken me all of my energy. On one hand I want to leave him alone and go on and find someone else to love, someone that will receive my love and give his love back to me. But on the other hand, I care so much about him that only the thought of me taking this chance from him, this chance of making his life better for once, gives me so much pain.

Unfortunately, he hasn't let me come close to him, and so I certainly can NOT tell him to seek professsional help. Unfortunately, what I seek from this thread here is not replies such "leave him to his misery, you deserv better". Cause I know I deserve better, and eventually when and if I feel ready I will leave him. But for now, I would like some advice on how to deal with him. I have no idea how I should be towards him so that he can maybe see that there is a chance that I might be a trustable person for him.

Has anyone had to deal with such a person that fears intimacy? That has been hurt in the past and thinks that it's all their fault and that they don't dare anymore open up to anyone else? If so, how have you dealt with that person if that person hasn't seeked proffessional help?

 
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Old 05-16-2010, 01:46 PM   #2
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Re: Fear of intimacy

If you're determined to stay with him, you have one option: accept him the way he is and realize that he'll always be this way. Don't hope for, expect or assume that if you "love him enough" he'll change and realize that he no longer has to "fear" intimacy. You can't save him, change him, make him realize anything or be a certain way toward him that will make him see the light. He is who he is, and you know this. So you have to accept him "as is".
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Old 05-16-2010, 03:08 PM   #3
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Re: Fear of intimacy

I don't know if there's really any way to 'deal" with someone who refuses to open up to you. You can't make him change if he's unable or unwilling to change. I totally agree with Redneon, you have to just accept that this is who he is, or at least who he is with you.

I dated someone that I thought had a fear of intimacy, and I made the mistake of trying hard to love him out of it. To let him know that he could trust me, but he kept pushing me away, even being verbally abusive when he would get irritated with me. he LIKED holding me at arm's length, he was comfortable that way. He's married now, so I have to assume that his wife was 1) either a much better match for him and he loves her and is open to her in a way he just couldn't be for me or 2) he's just as shut off with her as he is with me, but she doesn't mind.

You should never, EVER be in or stay in a relationship with someone thinking you're going to change them, or love someone for who you wish they were, or for who you hope they'll be someday. If y ou can't accept and love them for who and what they are right now, then you're with the wrong person. If you're bound and determined to stay in this relationship, then you have to accept that this is just who he is. There is no "dealing" with him, just accepting him as he is.

 
Old 05-16-2010, 03:17 PM   #4
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Re: Fear of intimacy

It sounds pretty much a lost case...because I don't know if I'm determined to be with someone that is that way. I had hoped until now that he would see that he is ruining this relationship and that he would decide to try and be different. This is why I'm still with him. I really care for him, and it gives me so much pain when I think the possibility of leaving him alone. But I have no idea that these people, with fear of intimacy, never change without professional help. It's a bit scary, and it makes me sad. Because I start reaching my limits...

 
Old 05-16-2010, 04:43 PM   #5
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islandjohnny HB User
Re: Fear of intimacy

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
If you're determined to stay with him, you have one option: accept him the way he is and realize that he'll always be this way. Don't hope for, expect or assume that if you "love him enough" he'll change and realize that he no longer has to "fear" intimacy. You can't save him, change him, make him realize anything or be a certain way toward him that will make him see the light. He is who he is, and you know this. So you have to accept him "as is".
Could not say it any better......In reading this post, I must say that I was thinking the exact same thing, because I lived it. It's almost my exact story. As we all say, I wish I knew then, what I know now. For I too thought the more I did, somehow, someway she will open up to me. She never did, and after years of marriage, she ended up telling me how little respect she had for me, for I was a spineless man.

Last edited by islandjohnny; 05-16-2010 at 05:01 PM.

 
Old 05-17-2010, 07:34 AM   #6
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Re: Fear of intimacy

Quote:
Originally Posted by islandjohnny View Post
Could not say it any better......In reading this post, I must say that I was thinking the exact same thing, because I lived it. It's almost my exact story. As we all say, I wish I knew then, what I know now. For I too thought the more I did, somehow, someway she will open up to me. She never did, and after years of marriage, she ended up telling me how little respect she had for me, for I was a spineless man.
This sounds terrible. I guess you're not together anymore?

I'm really sad that these people are completely doomed though.

 
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