I am a step mom who has two young adult step sons. The older one is mentally challenged(cannot get a driver license, cannot finish a short course that can get him a better job, holds a job intended for a teenager, doesn't have a concept of self responsibility, lazy(sorry for using the word), dishonest, steals from his father-my husband warned about losing things in our house although he did not directly mentioned his older son and he disrespects and makes fun of me especially when his father leaves for work. The younger one is cocky, a know-it-all, acts as if he is the owner of the house and disrespects his father even in front of me. How do I deal with them? We cannot move out of the house since we cannot afford a second mortgage. What rights do his sons have if ever we purchased our conjugal house? I really am sorry for posting this but I don't think I would want to have anything to do with them in the long run. With the way things are going, I am seeing ourselves(my husband and I) supporting and fending for his two sons forever. I really am scared whenever my husband leaves for work, I lock myself in our bedroom. Everybody who knows these two warned me about them, especially about the older one. I am starting to see now why. Thanks for any advice.
Your stepsons are not the problem. Your husband is. There is no reason for adult children to be living at home. He could find a residential placement with some agency which deals with challenged people. The other one just needs to go support himself. And your husband needs to be the one to handle this. You have no legal or moral obligation to have them living in your house. If he won't do this, you have 2 choices: stay and tolerate it or leave. Pardon the bluntness but that's really all you can do.
I agree too! But whether or not that is going to happen is a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT STORY! They are his kids. Do you really think you are going to oust them? I mean, honestly? You'll lose. I dont care if they are crazy psycho killers. They are his children and at the end of the day, that is going to hold thicker then any probably any other relationship in the world. Not to mention the fact that he had a hand at raising them. In some respect, they are products of him. If he hasn't "set the ground rules" by now, do you really expect him to........ever? I dont see it happening. Not in most cases anyway. As far as your legal question, I imagine it depends on what state you live in. But I imagine, as long as they are both adults, and as long as neither of them has a lease with you or anything like that, then really they have no right to the premisis. But good luck with that one. You can encourage your husband to push for a little more independance on his childrens behalf, and try to wean them so to speak, but these boys are going to smell your plot from a million miles away and make life absolutely difficult. They will blame you, out loud, argue, attack at you, verbally abuse you, etc. All your hubby will have to do is mention the word job, or apartment, and that's gonna be all she wrote. In the end, he will probably not make a choice. He is going to sit in the middle befuddled, wondering how things got this far, but he will not......I repeat....WILL NOT take any action one way or the other. My best advice to you is that if you really love your husband, and you really want to be with him forever, separate your finances. He can support HIS kids all he wants, just so long as he pay's half of the bills, as well as their portion. For instance, let's say you dont want the huge mega sports package on your dishnet contract.....Then that's their responsiblity to pay for it, not yours. And I would also DEMAND that they respect you. I think that is something that your husband would back you up on if you were to speak with him about it. Make sure you have no joint accounts, or anything like that. Keep it all separate. And the phone bill, try to have all of your own plans, that way, you pay yours, they pay theirs. That's the only way I see this working. Like I said, the second you try to oust them, It's gonna be big trouble. Good luck to you!
Last edited by justmel30; 05-24-2010 at 09:57 PM.
My husbands children were awful to me. One of them also mentally challenged (personallity d/o) also stole from everyone, lit fires constantly......I dont even want to get into that right now.
But, Just to let you know.....after 3 years of counseling (with the children) and constant talking to my husband of how horrible the home was and how it was destroying me...he finally took a stand. The biggest problem child ran away and ended up across the united states. My husband gave the youngest (15) at the time, a plane ticket to her mothers.....ONE WAY. And the last one left and joined the NAVY. So......if you stick to your guns and honestly can stick it out.....maybe you can convince your husband to stand back and look at how his wife (who should be #1) is being destroyed by all this. BEG him to consider some options. Who cares if you have to beg.......BEG!
YOU are the one that is supposed to spend the rest of your lives together.......NOT those kids (adults).
I agree the issue is with your husband but I disagree there is no hope. In my own experience I've had several friends who have cut their "children" off. The "children" survived. One totally shocked me as he was her only child and a very spoiled young man. When he was about 22, she said enough and stopped funneling him money, stopped paying his car payments to keep him moving, and stopped lying to family and employers to keep him in a job and in people's good stead. Believe me, it was not expected but she had just gradually realized she was not helping him.
Try to stay calm. Try not to get real emotional when you speak to your husband. But make sure he understands exactly what is happening. Give him details even if you have to take notes and review them with him. Don't let him live in a fog pretending it's not happening. If there any other friends or relatives who can support you, it might help if they are also able to calmly speak their piece. I think a big reason people will not let their adult children find their own way is because they are afraid of the judgment they will face. If you're being told that letting your kids fend for themselves (even though they are adults) is something good parents just don't do it's very hard to take the steps you really know you should. Maybe he needs to know from others it's the right thing.
Good luck. I'd hate to be in your situation. I need to be comfortable in my own home. Your husband needs to respect that basic need.
Thank you very much to all those who responded. I've learned a lot and am thinking all of my options right now. It felt really good to know that there are those who are willing to listen objectively and understand my situation. I've always felt that I have my responsibilities to my husband and yet no right at all (in the house)because I am "just"(this is how I feel) a stepmom. Again...thank you.
Can you explain what you meant when you said move out of your house and get a second mortgage? You didn't mean that you guys would just leave the two kids there free and clear and continuing to pay for both houses, did you? Because that would be stupid. Those kids have not earned that kind of privilege! And if your husband did that, he would just be enabling them to continue living their worthless, non-productive lives there forever.
It's a shame that you married such a weak man who, along with his ex-wife, seriously lacked in the parenting department. Had they raised their kids right in the first place, you wouldn't be in this situation right now. It's a shame you didn't realize sooner what you were getting into when you married this guy and his messed up family.
He needs to grow a spine and put those kids in their place. He is their dad and its time he stared acting like it. Instead of being an enabler, he needs to start enforcing some serious rules and regulations for them, and if they don't like the rules, they can get out. Those rules should include getting jobs and paying for rent and food at the bare minimum. And if they don't want to do it, too bad, there's the door! If he doesn't put his foot down and start demanding that they shape up or get out, then nothing will ever change. It's up to him. He needs to be a man for a change, otherwise you need to decide if you want to keep living this way or get out of the situation yourself. It seems like a losing battle since he doesn't seem to care about your feelings on the situation though, so I think you really need to start thinking about how much longer you want to live among all of this dysfunction. Its not exactly fair to you!
put them boys in order. Starting with numero uno. Let them you know your not do you have to put up with them. Kickem out. If they are old enough that is. Try to make them see how stupid this is. how life could be better for all of you if they could do right. I know kids can be horrible and bad, but they can be great also. sounds like they are bad. Call the police when they steal things press charges- letem know you mean business. Tell them no more bullsh.. your not gonna take it and neither is father. tell him to put his feet down also. I know about these things, I just laid the law down here. Got teenager myself- thinks hes grown. but he aint- i am.
If hubby does not do something and you just stay and let things fester, you will loose ALL respect for him and yourself. This is a whole different level of misery--(I myself am facing right this minute and have for last 5 years). Tell hubby to take some calcium and strengthen his spinal cord! Those thug sounding "boys" need to get-out and grow up.