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Old 05-18-2010, 03:03 PM   #1
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need some advice :(

I'm sorry if this bores anyone, but I just really need to have the advice of some people because not being in a relationship is something which really gets me down.

I'm 18, and would describe myself as extremely quiet, shy, and most of all, completely insecure about my image ( particularly my weight), which is a factor of why I am as quiet around others, aswell as the fact I have never really been given any compliments by anyone outside of family. When I am around others, I feel completely insecure, and feel like I can't be myself - whereas when I am around those I know, I feel relaxed. As a result of this huge insecurity, I have never been in a relationship

Recently though, my group of friends have started frequently hanging around with this group of girls, and I really do like one of them alot. The trouble is, I can't bring myself to go speak to her, firstly because I don't know what to say to her. When I am around them, I am quiet, for the reasons described above, but moreso for this one girl.

I really have no idea what to do to stop myself from feeling so insecure

 
Old 05-18-2010, 09:38 PM   #2
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Re: need some advice :(

Well, I would like you to be ok with yourself no matter what. Being secure with yourself is kinda like jumping off a bridge. You just have to do it. Put yourself out there, go to school functions, get involved in something extra curricular....maybe at church or something. But other then that, there is no real formula to being extraverted.

Having said that, what is your weight? Are we talking about a couple extra pounds or morbid obesity? The only reason I ask is because I would like you to not just feel good about yourself, but also just to feel good. And it's hard when your struggling with weight. You may want to consider joining a weight loss program that maybe offers a little counseling if you have insurance, and if not, maybe you could ask your family to pitch in for a birthday or christmas present or something. Losing weight is hard work, but anyone can do it, and the results are soooooo rewarding.

Most of all, weight or no weight, It's most important that you realize no matter what, that you are a loveable and capable person. Best of luck to you!
Melissa

 
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Old 05-19-2010, 12:39 AM   #3
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Re: need some advice :(

Feeling good about yourself is priority #1. While you have a few issues about yourself that you feel uncomfortable with (weight, introverted), like Mel pointed out, those can be worked on. Just as important though, you can use the good qualities you have going for you to your advantage (the ones your family and friends point out). Focus on mastering and bringing out those qualities so that your peers around you will notice those things. It'll do wonders.

It sounds like you really like this girl. You're maybe just a little put off by the large crowd? I know that for the shy types, big crowds of people can make their stomach turn. You're fine with just your friends, but when all these girls you don't know are added to the mix, you feel overwhelmed a bit? If this is the case, then maybe the first step is to start interacting with a smaller group instead. Maybe confide in one of your friends that you want to arrange to hang out with him and this girl, just the three of you. This way you get more personal time and get to know her better without dozens of people all around. You also have your friend there to help keep the conversation going smoother, in case you struggle or are uncertain of what to say next. Kind of like the "wingman" role. As you keep exposing yourself to these situations, the easier it will be to converse in large groups of unfamiliar people. I hope this is making sense to you.

Really though, before you try to get into a relationship, you must work on getting through your insecurities because that will affect your confidence. You really need to be at your best, so start feeling good about yourself; recognize the positive about you, and the things that bother you, it's okay because they can be reversed and changed with hard work. Also realize though, that there is nothing that you must change; you're you and that automatically makes you totally acceptable and totally deserving of love and respect. If you do want to change some things, make sure you're doing it for you and no one else. There is hope; you just have to be willing to make the effort.

I hope that this is helpful to you in some way. Blessings to you.

Last edited by justkeeppraying; 05-19-2010 at 12:47 AM.

 
Old 05-19-2010, 06:06 AM   #4
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Re: need some advice :(

Thank you to you both for your kind kind words - it does help a lot!.

Quote:
Originally Posted by justmel30
Having said that, what is your weight? Are we talking about a couple extra pounds or morbid obesity?
I'm just under 13 stone now, but due to my height being 5ft 8", I am overweight, and have moobs, which embarrass me alot. Thats another reason for being insecure.

JustKeepPraying
And yeah, I do really like her, when there was just 3 of us sitting around one night, I felt I could talk more, but when the rest of the group returned, I was back to my silent self, so I do think you are spot on there.

Once again, thank you

 
Old 05-19-2010, 08:26 AM   #5
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Re: need some advice :(

Is there some activity that you particularly like? That you are really good at? Video games, computers, sports (playing or watching), astronomy, etc. Focus on that activity and work on developing a sort of "expertise" in it. Learn what you can about it and focus on how good you are becoming. This will help you to develop some self-confidence. Also, read a lot about things that interest you. Try to learn about current events in your area so you can have confidence when subjects come up. Watch closely at a few gatherings, see what people are talking about, and focus on those things - learn more about them so you can talk about them too.

If you are a shy person, you will need to find ways to work to overcome it. I grew up hiding behind my mother's skirts, and to this day (I'm 56) I'm still shy. But if you were in a group of people with me, you would never guess it. At some point in school I learned to hide it. When in a group of people I will talk about the subjects I'm good at, and will ask questions of people if it's a subject I don't know about. People love to answer questions about something they're talking about! ("That sounds interesting, tell me more." "What do you think will happen if *** wins the election?") That way you don't have to be the one talking, but you can feel part of the group.

Google "overcoming shyness" and see what pops up. Maybe you can get some tips from others' experiences. Good luck! You can do it!

 
Old 05-19-2010, 10:02 AM   #6
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Re: need some advice :(

Hi ryster,

It sounds like your shyness stems from the insecurity. At age 18, your body would respond really fast to cardio excersize and maybe even some weights. When I was 18, I felt uncomfortable with my body, too. I was not skinny like all my friends. I had a few pounds to shed (my mom lovingly called it baby fat). So I started doing some jogging and running through the neighborhood every day after school and then throughout the summer.
Not only did I feel and look better physically, but my confidence sky rocketed. I suddenly felt conmfortable being myself and talking and joking with guys where as before I was terribly shy.

Plus once you get into it, you'll be amazed at how great you feel, all over.

I think every one of us has gone thru an akward phase where we felt trapped inside ourselves. And it does feel lonely. But with time and a bit of work on self esteem, you'll feel great and you'll be talking to lots of girls. I'm sure of it!

 
Old 05-19-2010, 10:36 AM   #7
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Re: need some advice :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by River rocks View Post
Hi ryster,

It sounds like your shyness stems from the insecurity. At age 18, your body would respond really fast to cardio excersize and maybe even some weights. When I was 18, I felt uncomfortable with my body, too. I was not skinny like all my friends. I had a few pounds to shed (my mom lovingly called it baby fat). So I started doing some jogging and running through the neighborhood every day after school and then throughout the summer.
Not only did I feel and look better physically, but my confidence sky rocketed. I suddenly felt conmfortable being myself and talking and joking with guys where as before I was terribly shy.

Plus once you get into it, you'll be amazed at how great you feel, all over.

I think every one of us has gone thru an akward phase where we felt trapped inside ourselves. And it does feel lonely. But with time and a bit of work on self esteem, you'll feel great and you'll be talking to lots of girls. I'm sure of it!
Thank you so much for replying to me.
I've started listing absolutely everything I am eating, so I can control what exactly I'm putting into my body, aswell as using the Wii for its EA active game ( running, stretches e.t.c), since I can't afford gym membership at the moment.
I do feel if I lost the weight e.t.c, I'd feel a bit more comfortable - just a long long way to go !

 
Old 05-19-2010, 10:56 AM   #8
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Re: need some advice :(

Quote:
Originally Posted by ryster View Post
Thank you so much for replying to me.
I've started listing absolutely everything I am eating, so I can control what exactly I'm putting into my body, as well as using the Wii for its EA active game ( running, stretches e.t.c), since I can't afford gym membership at the moment.
I do feel if I lost the weight e.t.c, I'd feel a bit more comfortable - just a long long way to go !
Great! The Wii is great...and a lot of fun, too. At your age its OK to watch what you eat(avoid the super junkie foods) but don't restrict yourself..you're at an age where you need lots of healthy good calories because you're growing and at your age just a bit of excersize should really boost your metabolism.

I tell my own teen the same thing. This is not the age to be restrictive with calories, but instead increase activity.

It sounds like you are heading in the right direction. I wish you the best!

Last edited by River rocks; 05-19-2010 at 10:58 AM.

 
Old 05-20-2010, 03:39 AM   #9
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Re: need some advice :(

Hi, you sound so sweet, I am certain you have many lovely qualities, that if you stop focussing on your insecurities and focus on listing down all your great qualities, you will feel secure enough already.

Having said all that, list also all your insecurities so that you can work with what is affecting your self esteem and develop in those areas, before you consider getting closer to a personal/romantic relationship.
Better yet, focus (after you make an inventory of the above so that you also know yourself) on creating a friendship (s) with girls, so that you understand their perspective first and one of them may turn into a romantic relationship slowly.

You have been given plenty of good suggestions here by a number of people.

*Starting with what great qualities you have is a very important exercise, because it seems that you are not aware of them if you need to be told from the outside, though it is good when we hear these and see that people have noticed them and paid attention to you in expression.
You said you don't talk much, so thereby your expression which gives an indication to people of who you are-is suppressed. Once you understand yourself better, you will feel more secure.

*Then write down the things you feel you have limitations and when they are out there on paper, you can see them more objectively, and not "feeling" about these so bad that they paralize you, so then you can do something about them.

For starters, if you join some groups where you can have fun , or activity, adventure, hobbies or just talks, while sharing these activities with others, you will be making contact-and communicate, and since you will be sharing activities you may make a few friends along the way, with common interests. Don't worry about your weight at this stage, because you will shed it if you become active.

I hope you place some action in all those suggestions you have been given, and to see a dietician if you can, to give you the guidelines and the watching over what you eat by someone professional to put you on a good path, but also join fun exercises which will assist.
Add dancing to your repertoire, because girls like it, and it is a good communication subject...but I would suggest leave girls for later, when you have done some work on all these suggestions and built communication subjects and interests-which you will need in order to have conversations, since you said you don't know what to say.

You can find out what this specific girl's interests are, and get into some of those if you like, and that is a good starter!
I heard from many people they love Jumba or Zumba-the dance exercise, which is a lot of fun and shed many kilos while they feel a lot of aliveness while participating in it.
Very important....don't talk of your insecurities to the girls as a subject of conversation or so that you feel ok once out there, because no one likes to hear someone putting themselves down-it is a draining and not an inspiring way of communication. You can let these slowly out, when in time you become close friends with a person, but I would say, take action to develop in those areas rather then talk with them.
I would also suggest that if you can't do this on your own, see a councellor who is supportive and creative in assisting you to move through this stage.

Take care!

 
Old 05-24-2010, 08:02 AM   #10
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Re: need some advice :(

Hello everyone,
since posting this thread, she has started seeing one of my best mates, so you can say my confidence, and insecurity has taken a bit of a bashing.
I must say, I am so down now because of everything

 
Old 05-24-2010, 08:59 AM   #11
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Re: need some advice :(

I'm sorry to here that Ryster. But remember your self confidence should not be based on a girl or a relationship. You need to have it engrained.
This would be a great time to work on your self, your body, your self confidence, and then you will notice the shift, you'll notice more people are drawn to you when you feel better about yourself.
You have lots and lots of wonderful years ahead..lots of good times to come. There are so many fish in the sea, so don't fret over one.
Take this time to move forward get in gear, make anew friend, and look forward to a fun summer. Make it your goal to get in shape this summer...and just imagine how awesome you will feel!
Hang in there...you have a lot going for you!!

 
Old 05-24-2010, 09:20 AM   #12
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Re: need some advice :(

Hi ryster

It sucks that your friend has started seeing this girl. Once you've got your sights set on somebody I know it's very difficult to let them go. But there is no point in dwelling on this girl when you could be meeting new ones!

I think the number one thing to do in any situation where you like somebody and you're afraid to speak to them because of your insecurities is to take away the pressure in the situation.

You say you're shy and I know how that feels. But there must be lots of situations in everyday life where you don't feel insecure about interacting with other people. For example, when you buy things from a shop.

So when a new girl catches your eye, don't put too much pressure on the situation. Find any excuse to talk to her and just be yourself and address her as though she's one of your friends.

Others have said you need to derive confidence from within, and that's very true. You sound quite down about your weight. Any positive step you take to improving the situation to your satisfaction will boost your confidence no end.

So forget about this last girl (for now, at least) and try to improve your self-confidence - you'll be surprised how quickly it rubs off on your abilty to initiate conversation with girls you like

 
Old 05-24-2010, 09:37 AM   #13
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Re: need some advice :(

thanks for the comments .... it's a massive help.
Because of my image and stuff, I haven't had much attention from girls atall - infact, it wouldn't be an exaggeration to say I've had none, and when this girl came on the scene, it was the first I can honestly say I felt that way.

But I've lost half a stone already, and plan to keep going until I am completely slim, that way I'll have a bit of confidence I guess.

thanks again everyone, it's a massive help and I appreciate it

 
Old 07-24-2010, 04:56 PM   #14
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Re: need some advice :(

Hello everyone, thought I'd make a small update to this.

I've recently started to talk to this girl alot, and I'd say we're pretty close.
Although, from the way I see it, it's just a really good friendship ( don't get me wrong, I'm so chuffed to have her as a friend, as friendship is better than no friendship atall )

But the thing is, I don't know if that's how she sees it for definite though, because I'm too worried to say anything... could say I'm scared of rejection

 
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