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Old 05-20-2010, 12:37 PM   #1
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Advice Please

I'm known for overreacting to certain situations in regards to my boyfriend, but one that has been bothering me lately is this scenario:

ex - A few nights ago I was in class and we had no plans of seeing each other since he lives 40mins away and we usually need to plan visits. He kept telling me the whole day that he missed me and since I got out of class a bit early he said that I should come over, I decided that since I didnt work the next day it would be okay so i agreed, a few mins later he texts me saying "i feel bad making you drive so late, we can see each other later", this really made me angry and I kind of started to tell him that it wasn't very nice, we finally agreed that I would go, so I went and we sort of talked when I got there and he said "It was just very late and I though maybe I would fall asleep" and he followed by saying "this is just how I am", that seems to be his responce for many things.

I know that we're not suppose to ask people to change, and I'm not trying to do that, but it's very annoying, it isn't a huge deal but I was just wondering how some of you handle this kind of stuff with your partners.

I told him that it bothered me and he said "okay" and nothing more, I didnt really know what else to say after that and we just went about our bussiness and didn't really bring it up again.

any advice?

thanks!

 
Old 05-20-2010, 12:53 PM   #2
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Re: Advice Please

It sounds like your BF is a bit insecure and not particularly assertive. He will sort of say what he wants and then feel guilty and change his mind. Odds are that's a personality trait of his that will only change over time...and not necessarily improve. Some people gain confidence as they get older, some don't.

 
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Old 05-20-2010, 02:15 PM   #3
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Re: Advice Please

The best advice I can think of (that has worked for me) is to pick your battles.
In the big picture, and in the long run, there will be much bigger issues ..all relationships have them. This sounds (and I dont mean to belittle your feelings at all) very minor as far as something to complain about.

I'm not saying you can't have your feelings. But sometimes you have to decide what is worth making issue over.

One thing I can say from experience is that men don't like feeling like they are always letting you down, or always wrong. If you bring up every single thing that irritates you, they start to feel like they can never please you and it gets to where they dont even want to try.

I once had an guy, after 4 months of dating, break up with me, his reason being specifically that. He always felt he was doing something wrong.

I've since learned not to swaet the small stuff.
I think your boyfriend genuinely felt tired and suggested you guys call it a night. I don't see any thing wrong with that, unless you were like already there or on your way.

 
Old 05-20-2010, 03:09 PM   #4
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Re: Advice Please

I think you probably overreacted. I wouldn't have made such a big deal out of it. He said he was tired, so? Big deal? You don't need to spend every free moment with the guy, let him have his rest if he needs it.

 
Old 05-20-2010, 04:19 PM   #5
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Re: Advice Please

I definitely understand that if he's tired, that's fine (and i'm not saying I didnt overreact because I probably did) but the reason that it bothered me was because I didnt even initially want to go, he was the one who kept telling me to go and I had already started getting my stuff together and it was annoying for him to change his mind that way, it wasn't a big deal, but I do have a habit of making a big deal out of nothing, it's something im working on.

 
Old 05-20-2010, 08:27 PM   #6
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Re: Advice Please

I see both sides. I would be annoyed too if he was after me all day to come visit and then last minute was like, "im tired". At the same time, he may have been excited all day, and then last minute started to feel really tired. But I dont like his excuse of saying that's just how he is. That sort of a phrase is a huge red flag to me. I dont know if it is to the other guys and gals out there, but it seems every time I've heard that excuse from a guy, he turns out to be the most selfish, and thoughtless person alive. To me, that one little phrase says," you are not important enough for me to consider, and I'm not going to tolerate anything I dont want to, and I will never compromise. You need to take me the way I am and if you dont like it all 100%, you can either lump it or jump off board." Now, it's slightly different when you are talking about each others quirks or something and somebody says that's just how they are, well that's a little different. But a relationship takes compromises on both sides, and the second they say, that's just how I am, in my opinion you can throw the towel in right there. They have basically just told you to like it or lump it, they have no interest in compromise, or change, or even to talk about it for futher understanding. What should you do about it? I have no idea, but I will tell you not to get too attached. Good luck!
Melissa

 
Old 05-20-2010, 10:28 PM   #7
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Re: Advice Please

to be honest, this is exactly how I felt, and sometimes this is exactly how I feel, I feel stuck in this, i dont feel appreciated all that much but at the same time we have great times and he can be a real sweet heart and I dont know.

relationships stink.

 
Old 05-21-2010, 06:03 AM   #8
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Re: Advice Please

I don't really have any advice but this kinda sounds like my old relationship with my ex.

He would always tell me that I was treating him like a "second hand citizen," like I didn't really care. It would be over what I considered small stuff.

For example one time I was going on a trip to San Francisco and he wanted to see me before I left. I told him that I wanted to take a nap before the flight because I didn't sleep well the night before, plus we had just seen each other and said our goodbyes that night. He insisted on coming and said that it was ok that I take a nap. Then he got royally ****** off when I left him in the living room watching TV so that I could go lay down in the bedroom. Another time we had made plans to go to a big book sale. Well, I forgot my wallet. I had locked it up in my desk at work and didn't realize that I left it until I was almost at his house. He had zero money because he was unemployed at the time, so I said we can't go. I said that I was sorry and I just left to go home. He got really mad about that. He said that I left my wallet on purpose because I never really wanted to go. Those are just a couple of examples.

At first I would say sorry and be all tearful because he was so hurt by my actions. Eventually I started telling him that these things could not be helped. I told him that I obviously couldn't love him and put him first like he wanted me to and that was never going to change because it is "just how I am." He never agreed with that and never broke up with me but kept telling me how badly I was treating him all the time. I eventually broke up with him.

Things were good when they were good but all this "you don't treat me right, you put me second" junk just got old.

 
Old 05-21-2010, 09:23 AM   #9
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Re: Advice Please

Quote:
Originally Posted by trystme View Post
never broke up with me but kept telling me how badly I was treating him all the time. I eventually broke up with him.
That is the point I was hoping the original poster would get. You have to really pick your battles and get out of the victim role. If you constantly complain and find reasons to say you are not being treated right, its gonna get old and the other person will leave, feelign like they simply cannot win. I've been on both side of that fence in the past.

 
Old 05-21-2010, 11:16 AM   #10
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Re: Advice Please

Thank you guys, I totally agree with what you're saying, I just have a really hard time controlling my emotions, we talked about it last night and he says "it was just a misunderstandment and it doesnt matter" and he's right. I do find that I end up acting all stupid over little things, it's just something that i'm still working on with my therapist, which he is very aware of.

Last night I felt pretty terrible and I told him that this was just what i struggled with and said that I couldnt really do much else and he replied with "was I asking for something more?" and he's totally right, i'm just being all dumb, i'm going to try to change my way of thinking, even if he doesnt say anything I always have to find something dumb and negative to anything he says or does, i'm definitely going to try to reevaluate what I get upset about.

anyone have good suggestions?

 
Old 06-08-2010, 11:14 AM   #11
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Re: Advice Please

I was going to post a new thread but I figured I could simply continue with this one as it's relitively still the same issue.

I'm really losing it with this whole situation, things have taken a turn for the worst, we were having a good weekend but we got into a dissagrement, we were going to a restaurant where he wanted to have a specific dish and he wanted me to try it, but when I got there I decided that I didnt want that and wanted to try somethign else, he got very upset about it and he told me that and i was upset for upsetting him that I ordered what he wanted me to, but after I got really angry that he made me get somethig that I didnt want and so I didnt touch it and we basically sat there in silence. When we went back to the car he said he was sorry for doing that and that it was wrong of him to make me eat something that I didnt feel like, I said "okay" and he followed by saying that maybe we needed a break from seeing each other and that made me really upset that I started crying, he started to tell me that it was wrong that I let him hurt me so much and that he knows it hurts me but that he does it because I let him. I told him that I didnt want a break and he told to think about and that I was too attached to him and that it wasn't good for us, he tells me to just trust him and that everything will be okay, we aren't taking a break but I really want to get "dettached" but I need some advice on how.

The problem is that I get really nervous, especially at night, I do see a therapist, but I haven't in a few weeks because of scheduling conflicts, I need some help on how to deal with trying to give myself space from this situation without wanting to dissapear off the planet, I feel pretty terrible right now.

I know that I should be going to hang out with friends or things like that and keeping busy, but it isnt helping, I dont feel like seeing anyone or talking to anyone, it just gets really bad at night and I need a way to deal with this without calling/texting or trying to reach him in some type of way, He doesn't know what i'm trying to do but I need to do this in order for me not to feel so terrible all the time and to especially learn to trust and be okay without him.

I told myself last night that I wouldn't text him the whole night but I just started crying and i got so nervous I ended up calling him and texting and he told me he was busy and that he would call me later, but even hearing his voice made me feel better, I decided that I was tired and texted him that I would go to sleep he texted me like 2hrs later asking me what was going up and then saying "okay, whatever, you went to sleep i guess you didnt want to sleep". I never replied because I was asleep, but the problem is that I'm okay during the day, but at night I just feel completely nervous and I'm a mess.

I'm having a really hard time with this all. anyone have anything that could help?

I texted him back this morning saying that i did want to talk but that I was at the gym for 3 hours and I was too tired and I didnt know what time he was going to get back to me. I dont know if that's the right thing, in many ways I need to pretend that I dont care even if I do, otherwise he will keep taking me granted. I'm always the one trying to see him, he likes hanging out with me but he knows that I will be there and that he doesnt need to try very hard, I need to change this.

Last edited by 00lady00; 06-08-2010 at 01:27 PM.

 
Old 06-08-2010, 11:38 AM   #12
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Re: Advice Please

Your boyfriend realizes that you are so attached and dependant on him that he can do whatever he wants (be a jerk or whatever) and you won't stand your ground, because you are too afraid of losing him. You might get hurt and cry but you will always back down when it comes to making him change.

He tests you.. by being mean or stupid (the dinner thing was ridiculously stupid!). and the end result is that you will not leave him.

That makes for a non-relationship, because he is the only one with backbone. A guy will lose respect if you dont respect youself and have a say!

I think he has been pushing your buttons (kind of like a toddler does to learn boundaries) intentionally to get a rise out of you and see how far he can go until you snap. And so far you havent put him in his place at all...you've only told him it hurts you...but without consequences (such as you leaving)

Take this time and get stronger emotionally. Go to the therapy..make time.
Find a way to gain confidence in yourself. You won't find a healthy well balanced relationship until you feel and know your own worth. The ONLY guys who get into relationships with women who don't have self esteem enough to stand up for themselves are men who want to abuse or control.

Last edited by River rocks; 06-08-2010 at 11:39 AM.

 
Old 06-08-2010, 01:21 PM   #13
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Re: Advice Please

thank you for your reply

The problem is that I am terrified of losing him, He isn't a bad person or anything, I dont think he wants to be abusive or to control me, he tells me to go out, to get involved with my friends because he sees what's happening, I just get so nervous when I dont speak to him for a day or see him. He told me that I should've just told him to shove it and gotten whatever I wanted to eat. I know he's right, I need to break away from it, I know that it's going to be difficult, he just makes me feel so insecure, i'm not like that with anyone else, but with him I just melt into a puddle. I know I have self esteem issues, a lot of them, I want to try, I think a lot of the problem is my cell phone, i'm all OCD about checking it all the time to see if there are any messages from him or calls, it's too much, I've thought about just not looking at it.. or something like that. I've thought about not seeing him during the week at any cost, I need to prove to myself that I can do this, with or without him. I just get so nervous and everything takes over.

He sees me crying all the time because i dont know what to do with myself anymore, I know I need to see my therapist and I have an appointment with him next week (finally). I dont know what to do anymore, what would be a good plan for me? limitations?

I know that if I dont speak to him for a few days (which will be extremely hard for me to do since we talk every day) he will get worried and wonder whats going on, I can't tell him what i'm doing because he will get offensive and probably take it negatively, perhaps I should just tell him that i'm busy and blow him off slowly, i hope that I have the strengh to do this.

Last edited by 00lady00; 06-08-2010 at 01:34 PM.

 
Old 06-08-2010, 01:55 PM   #14
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Re: Advice Please

I got the impression that you did try and stand up for yourself and order something else, but he got upset about it, so telling him to "shove it" probably wouldn't have helped and could have made things worse.

You say he doesn't want to be abusive or control you but that is exactly what he's doing, and you are letting him.

I really think you need to break off this relationship and work on getting yourself healthy without him holding you back and bringing you down all the time.

 
Old 06-08-2010, 02:20 PM   #15
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Re: Advice Please

Quote:
Originally Posted by 00lady00 View Post
The problem is that I am terrified of losing him, He isn't a bad person or anything, I dont think he wants to be abusive or to control me, he tells me to go out, to get involved with my friends because he sees what's happening.
I should have clarifyed my post better- I dont think he wants to control or abuse you either. I think men prefer and STAY with a weak woman if he is an abuser but I dont see that in your case. your boyfriend WANTS you to have a backbone..he wants limits and wants you to have the esteem to stand up for yourself. Healthy men want us to be happy and stong.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 00lady00 View Post
he just makes me feel so insecure.
May I ask..how does he do this? Is it something he is doing?


Quote:
Originally Posted by 00lady00 View Post
I know that if I dont speak to him for a few days (which will be extremely hard for me to do since we talk every day) he will get worried and wonder whats going on, I can't tell him what i'm doing because he will get offensive and probably take it negatively, perhaps I should just tell him that i'm busy and blow him off slowly, i hope that I have the strengh to do this.
No, I don't think leaving him in the dark about your plans is a good idea. If you want a relationship to work you have to communicate even if you predict that the other person will have a particular reaction. You have to talk these things out. Alienating him will only foster fears and resentment in his head- you would be playing head games and that is not a good way to relsove anything.
I suggest telling him your fears, and telling him that you would like to put into practice what he wants you to do- try standing your ground.

One thing Ive learned is that in relationships both people are kind of jockying for their place, for the amount of control they have. Its natural as long as one person doesnt have it/take it all. If it is unbalanced it it wont work. When you communicate and talk things out you learn to give on certain things and so does he...through compromise and talking. If one person continues to be unhappy and taken for granted it simply will not work.

Last edited by River rocks; 06-08-2010 at 02:20 PM.

 
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