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Old 05-21-2010, 04:46 AM   #1
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Unhappy Can't forget what he did, need help

This is the first time I have ever posted but I am at the end of my tether and I can't take it anymore. Please if anyone can help and give me their opinion I would be very grateful.
I am from the Uk and moved to the USA as a boyfriend from when I was 15 found me on classmates I am 45 now.. I was in a marriage that I was unhappy in. I have 4 chilldren. I ended up leaving my ex husband and basically gave up everything to be with my now husband,including my chldren. Very soon into our relationship I noticed him checking out women every where that we went. I tred to ignore ths but t hurt me so bad inside. It seems like eveyr where we go he looks at women.When I eventually mentioned it he denied it. He says he has not looked at anyone since we have beeen together But I know what I saw. I don't want to go anywhere anymore because I get so upset.
During the first few months I also became aware that he seemed to like watching movies, documentaries etc on porn stars, prostitutes and strippers. I became more and more insecure and felt I was not good enough. Now it has been 2 years and I cannot get the thoughts of these programmes out of my head. I cannot even bare it when a tv advert comes on with a girl in a bikini or a Victoria Secrets ad. Iget extremely upset. I hate foing to the stores because all the magazines with women in bikinis. Nearly everything that is on the tv has either a naked girl or scantilly clad girl and I feel so bad and sick to my stomach. I just cry all the time it is destroyng me inside.
We argue on a daily basis because I now don't feel good enough. When I came to the USA I was a different woman. When I first came here he didn't like any of my clothes and said they were too revealing yet he chose to look at other women dressed like that. I stopped wearing my clothes because I loved him.
All our arguments are over these things he chose to watch and he always says he didn't want to see these programmes because of naked women, he says he did it because there was nothing else to watch on tv. To me that is a ridiculous answer and I don't believe him. It is making me ill and I feel like I am not good enough. I cannot believe that he didn't want to see those women. He says he just wants me and I am imaginning it all. I cannot take it anymore. He puts me down when we argue and tells me I am thick and stupid and he is always saying I am crazy. Please help me

Last edited by EllieMay8; 05-21-2010 at 05:11 PM. Reason: I wish to delete entire thread

 
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Old 05-21-2010, 06:28 AM   #2
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Re: Can't forget what he did, need help

Sounds like it's time to admit you made a huge mistake and leave. The hardest thing is to admit to making a mistake but obviously you did, don't waste any more time with this loser!
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Old 05-21-2010, 06:34 AM   #3
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Re: Can't forget what he did, need help

How old are your children? I hope that they are grown. My grandmother left her 4 children with my grandfather. This does damage to the children like you wouldn't believe.

I agree that it is time to admit that you made a mistake and go back home!

 
Old 05-21-2010, 07:24 AM   #4
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Re: Can't forget what he did, need help

I had these issues with my husband and he was cheating. He insisted he never looked; he was having affairs the whole time. A man who is willing to butt into a marriage and be with a woman when he is leaving 4 children motherless is not a good man. You made a huge mistake in my view by leaving your babies for anyone. There's nothing you can do now but go back home, get help and beg forgiveness. I understand if you don't want your old marriage, but you'll have to get your ex husband's forgiveness so that there can be harmony for the kids. Good luck to you.

 
Old 05-21-2010, 07:31 AM   #5
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Re: Can't forget what he did, need help

he's trying to "gaslight" you.....that's when the abuser gets you to doubt your own perception of reality....he's manipulating you, big time!
be done with this loser....being alone is better than being with someone like him.

 
Old 05-21-2010, 07:46 AM   #6
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Re: Can't forget what he did, need help

Agreed. I'd lose the loser and go home to be with my kids. No guy is worth leaving your kids over, I don't care how great he seems! Your kids deserve better!

 
Old 05-21-2010, 08:28 AM   #7
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Re: Can't forget what he did, need help

Thank you for taking the time to give me your thoughts. I just told my husband what I had wrtten and he wanted me to clear up a couple of things up .Since I made it clear to him that these things torment me and make me feel terrible about a year ago he doesn't go out of his way to choose programmes like that anymore. Although these types of things show up in nearly everything on tv, I know he didn't know they were gonna be on but it still causes me pain because of the stuff from before.It's what happened that first year and a half that I cannot skake. Wasn't I enough for him then? He also wants me to clear up the fact that he calls me crazy, he actually says "this is insane." He said he has never heard of anyone having problems like this and thinks that there only a handfu lof women who feel so bad due to the media and men looking at other women. I am so glad to have found this board as I have no one here in the USA, no family or friends to talk to. I cannot work as I have severe neck problems and am in chronic pain 24/7 Once again thank you for your replies, I need support. He says I should go to see a therapist who will make me feel better and tell me how to overcome these things that happened. My argument with this is no one not even a doc could make me think that he didn't look at these programmes with the women for any other reason other than to see their bodies which leaves me feeling totally inadequate. My husband gets angry when I say that and says no one knew what he was thinking whilst watching that and he says "Its absolutely not to see naked women, I don't care what anyone else says, it meant nothing and I didnt want to see them!" My ongoing question to him has been please just tell me what reason was it then, Answer he gives is "NO REASON!" What am I to think??? Thanks

 
Old 05-21-2010, 08:34 AM   #8
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Re: Can't forget what he did, need help

you are suppossed to think he's trying to manipulate you again.
he's absolutely wrong....lots of women have problems with this sort of thing, enough to end marriages over.....
you are not crazy, you are not wrong....you don't need therapy to help you deal with this....save the money you'd spend on therapy and hire yourself a good divorce attorney. Even if he stops, (or pretends to) the damage is done.....he doesn't respect you....you can't get that back with therapy or by hoping he'll change.

 
Old 05-21-2010, 09:47 AM   #9
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Re: Can't forget what he did, need help

Ok, I'm just going to say this. I cannot believe that you are worried about what he is watching on TV when your chidren are in another country without their mother. Where are your priorities? I wouldn't give a rat's behind what he is watching on TV, I'd be too worried about how I was going to get back home and if I could ever make it up to my children.

 
Old 05-21-2010, 09:51 AM   #10
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Re: Can't forget what he did, need help

Yes, I agree that he is a non-essential at this point and your kids are way more important.

I'd stop caring so much about what he is watching or doing and spend more time figuring out how to get back with my kids. I would drop this loser like a hot potato if I were you.

 
Old 05-21-2010, 10:17 AM   #11
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Re: Can't forget what he did, need help

I am extremely happy in my relationship and my boyfriend is not blind to other womens bodies. He's a man and he's gonna look! But he doesn't do anything other than look and maybe fatasize now and then. Where is the crime in that?It certainly doesn't make me think I am inadequate.

Seriously, do you know of any man, even if his wife is the hottest women on the planet, does not look at and admire other womens bodies? Its natural. It doesnt mean he wants to BE with them and is comparing you. Its does not mean you are anything less. He's a man!

How old are your kids? You left them, and you're focusing on something as trivial as your husband looking at pretty women? Don't you think maybe there are more important things you should be concerned about?

I'm not trying to be harsh, and I know you need support. Its just strikes a chord in my when someone leaves their children to go after a fantasy.

 
Old 05-21-2010, 10:55 AM   #12
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Re: Can't forget what he did, need help

I don't agree that your husband is being manipulative or that he's doing anything terrible. You say you hate going to stores because there are magazines in the stores that have pretty women on the cover...and HE's supposed to be the problem?

I think you need to work on why you are so insecure that you feel threatened by two dimensional women on TV and in magazines. It's not like he's going to start some kind of relationship with a woman on a magazine cover! As for looking at women in publc, it's kind of hard not to see them unless he walks around with his head down. Unless he's very openly and rudely staring, or is making inappropriate comments, I'm not sure what it is he's supposed to do about this.
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Old 05-21-2010, 12:17 PM   #13
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Re: Can't forget what he did, need help

Ok, when I first read your posts I couldn't get past the fact that you left your children. So now I have gone back and read your posts again focusing on what you say the problem is - him looking at other women.

Really, I can only speak for myself, for me, this is not a problem. My husband looks occationally at porn. I have caught him looking at an attractive women who walks by. We have been together for over 12 years, if he didn't look at another women, I might think that was strange. It is human nature. As long as he isn't being rude about it, as long as it is just a normal amount of healthy attraction to the opposite sex, it doesn't bother me one bit.

I admit that I watch certain programs in part because I find the actors attractive - True Blood is a very good example - hot vampires. My husband knows why I like to watch these shows. He knows who I find attractive on TV and I know his celebrity crushes as well. If I see Reese Witherspoon, I always say "hey Honey come here, your girlfriend is on TV." and He says "Yum" and we kid each other about it. Amy Robach on the Today show is one of his favorites too. We could watch another morning show on the weekends but he likes Amy so we watch that one. When we get the Victoria Secret's catalog in the mail I say "Here Honey, this is for you" and he lights up.

Let's face it they don't put ugly people on TV or in magzines. Sex sells. I am 41 and overweight, I know that when it comes to good looks I don't watch up one little bit to the women on TV or in magazines but it doesn't bother me. They are just a fantasy but when it comes to truly pleasing him, I am the one to do it. No one else in this world, but me, his one and only wife, the women who loves him, will be the one to take care of those needs.

So if I try to put myself in your husband's shoes.....if my husband said that I couldn't watch True Blood, for example, because he was jealous of the men that I find attractive....well that would just make me mad. If he told me that it made him insecure because I had a celebrity crush, well I would just think that was childish and probably laugh at him.

 
Old 05-21-2010, 12:28 PM   #14
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Re: Can't forget what he did, need help

But, your husband shouldn't be putting you down or belittling you in any way nor calling you crazy or any other names.

 
Old 05-21-2010, 01:27 PM   #15
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Re: Can't forget what he did, need help

I think you need professional help. I really don't have any other advice.

I'm afraid you might be delusional, and it's obvious you experience severe paranoia. When I was reading your posts, I was thinking to myself, "This is insane." I laughed out loud when I read that's exactly what your husband says.

Surely you can seek out a professional psychiatrist for therapy and possibly some medication to help calm your irrational thoughts down a bit. You're taking things waaaaaaay too seriously.

But I have a feeling something was way off balance with you to begin with to be able to leave your children in another country.

Best of luck.

 
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