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Old 05-21-2010, 05:27 PM   #1
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Unhappy Is my girlfriend lying about her past sexual partners?

I know this question has been posted on here before but I feel like this is ruining my relationship. This may be a bit long but I want to explain the entire situation and get everyone's opinion. Here it goes:

My girlfriend and I started dating back in December of 2008. During our first date, she asked me how many people I've been with. I was with the same girl for 7 years (I'm 26, I was 25 at the time) so I've only had one partner. She responded with 4.

This came up later on in a discussion and some how we started talking about her partners and how they treated her, etc. It then came out there was one more guy and this really bothered me. Apparently, this is who she lost her virginity too and I guess she was a bit ashamed of it because it wasn't a relationship or anything. This really bothered me.. I think more for the fact that she lied to me.

I am not a perfect person, but I believe that honesty is extremely important in a relationship. Whether it hurts the other person or not, being honest is very important. I still think about this too this day and it's been nearly a year since we had this discussion. I now have it in my head that she's lying to me about her past partners.

We one day started talking about this guy that I went to school with in this area who was a complete loser (drugs, etc). She told me that he was at a party she went to once with a friend and they all started doing drugs and they left. It came up again at a future date and she told me that her friend set her up on a blind date with him and she left after he started doing drugs. This bothered me because once again, she lied to me.

Today, someone I went to school with and who's friends with my girlfriend (who was supposedly the girl who set these two up) was having computer problems. I contacted her on FB and asked her if she needed me to come over there and fix it for her (I have my own computer repair business) and at the end of the message I joked and said "What were you thinking trying to hook up <girlfriends name> with <losers name>?" She responded with: "Oh that was all her, she found him on MySpace and I told her he was a druggie and a loser." She then went on to say that he stood her up on a few dates because he ended up getting arrested for drugs or something. I confronted my girlfriend on this and she said it wasn't true but then got angry at me for worrying about the past.

I know I'm going to get alot of responses that say it's none of my business but I don't necessarily agree. Do I want to know every pressing detail about her past? Absolutely not. But I do feel that honesty is very important and I'd rather her be honest with me FROM THE START. I don't believe she had anything more with this guy but it's just the lying that bothers me.

I would like everyone's thoughts on this and please tell me if I'm getting crazy. I don't know why this is bothering me so much but it is to the point where I have a knot in my chest. I don't like being lied to and I don't like the thought of my girlfriend not being honest about her past.

I need help here everyone because this is destroying our relationship.

Last edited by debell83; 05-21-2010 at 05:46 PM.

 
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Old 05-21-2010, 07:07 PM   #2
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Re: Is my girlfriend lying about her past sexual partners?

She probably feels bad about her past and doesn't feel like telling you what really happened. But you keep bringing it up and punishing her for stuff she did before you two ever knew each other existed! That's pointless to do!

The point is that what's done is done and no one has the ability to go back and change their past. I'm sure your gf would have probably been happier not to be constantly reminded of her past mistakes by you because she already knows she messed up back then! She knows it was stupid but what do you expect her to do? Find a time machine and go back for a do over? Sorry, doesn't work that way!

This is the reason why people need to quit interrogating their partners about their past. It's done, it's over, it happened before you even knew each other, so just get over it. Deal with it. There is literally nothing about it that can be changed, so stop punishing her for it already! I'm sure she already feels bad that it happened at all, the last thing she needs is for you to keep reminding her of it and holding it over her head like this!

 
Old 05-21-2010, 07:24 PM   #3
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Re: Is my girlfriend lying about her past sexual partners?

We just talked and she's pretty upset with me. I asked her if she slept with this guy earlier today and she emphatically told me no and she was very upset that I asked her. She reminded me over and over that she's hiding nothing from me but is pretty angry at me (which I completely expected).

I have something wrong with me and I don't know what to do about it. I feel like I'm going to lose her, if I haven't already and this scares me. I don't know what to do at this point. I'm assuming giving her space and time is a good choice?

Last edited by debell83; 05-21-2010 at 07:25 PM.

 
Old 05-21-2010, 07:53 PM   #4
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Re: Is my girlfriend lying about her past sexual partners?

debell, you sound like a nice enough guy who has a healthy respect for the act of physical love and doesn't take it lightly, and just wants to be with someone who feels the same way about it as you do. Truth be told, I wish I could find a guy like you.

Look, I think the truth is, you'll never really know absolutely everything there is to know about her past, and there are in fact probably some things she'd rather not tell you about for whatever reason. I can see your side of it, as well, you probably feel that if she didn't have anything to hide, she wouldn't be so evasive, and now you're wondering, well, did she do the whole football team her senior year? Which, if she did, it would probably change the way you feel about her, right? Am I right in assuming that part of the reason you're with her is because her "magic number" is only 4, and if you found out it was higher than that, she wouldn't be the girl you thought she was, right?

I think perhaps a compromise is in order. You will get a lot of responses saying it's who she is today that counts, and her past is none of your business and has no bearing on her today. Well, I kind of agree with that, and I kind of don't. I think people can grow and mature, but I also think that people's morals and values are pretty much formed by the time they reach 18 years old. I personally would have a big problem being with a man who had had dozens and dozens of lovers and lots of one-night stands. It says something about his character, how he sees sex and how he sees women, and how he probably always will feel about such things. Perhaps you're feeling the same way about your girl. But if you really care for her, and if in all other aspects of the relationship, she is good to you and the kind of girl you really want to be with, then since she's holding fast to "I've told you everything!!" then it's time to trust her until and unless she gives you a reason not to. It doesn't sound like she slept with this loser druggie, just went out with him. He stood her up, got arrested, and she probably saw what a big mistake he was and moved on and grew up a little.

I don't know what else to tell you. I know it can be hard, especially when you feel you've been lied to about something you feel is important. I'm not going to say you don't have the right to the truth, but cut her a little slack here. No one likes to be grilled or interrogated about all our past choices and behaviors. As long as she's being honest about how she feels about you, about what other men are or aren't in her life NOW, and whether she has any STDs you can catch, then let the rest simmer, put it on the back burner for now and concentrate on who she is today, with you, and just enjoy the process of getting to KNOW her, the good, the bad and the ugly. During the course of your relationship, you will probably find out a lot of things about her that you won't like, as we all do when we date someone, that's why we date them and don't go straight from the second date to "I love you, will you marry me?" It's a process that takes time, to get to really know her and take your time figuring out, letting it unfold naturally, whether she's "the one" for you or not. You can't love without risk, and there's no way to know she's the perfect girl for you until you are willing to risk allowing yourself to love her at least a little as you get to know her, even if it means getting your heart broken. You can love someone and still decide, "well, she's a great person, I love her, but she's just not the one for me, it'll hurt to let her go, but it's the fair thing to do" or they can decide to walk away, and say "no thanks" to your love. It's just a risk you have to take if you are going to love someone. If you can't take that risk, then you honestly aren't ready to be dating. You don't have to know everything about her right now. AND, if it's been a year and a half and you feel you still can't trust her, then something else is going on besides this one incident about some loser druggie she dated way back when.

I'd say yes, give her some space, apologize for grilling her and tell her that you will trust what she tells you from now on. And do your best to give her a little faith and trust until she gives you a reason not to.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 05-21-2010 at 08:00 PM.

 
Old 05-22-2010, 01:46 AM   #5
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Re: Is my girlfriend lying about her past sexual partners?

I agree with a few things that have been said, but I have a few thoughts to add.

It sounds like she doesn't want you to know every detail about what occurred because she feels you might think less of her. Like her value might go down a notch in your book.

Lying only makes a person lose credibility. If someone asks you a question you'd rather not answer, all you have to say is "I'd rather not discuss that because it makes me uncomfortable" or something like that. You don't have to answer a question just because someone asked one. This is what your girlfriend probably should have said. Simple and you don't have to hurt the person by telling some crappy lie. That's another reason why I think it's a big mistake for alot of people to ask someone they just started to date, "how many people have you been with?". It opens the door for alot of stuff, drama, jealousy, curiosity, etc. Not the best idea. But due to the nature of the issue, I think her wrongdoings can be somewhat overlooked. I think she lied out of fear, and she doesn't feel reassured that you'd accept her if you knew everything. So, you should definitely reassure her that you care about her and accept her fully for who she is.

I don't think you should keep pressing her for more information. Anything new that you discover, you won't like it. So unless you like to have your feelings hurt, don't ask. On the contrary though, it would be acceptable to ask about STD's (if you have not already), as many types don't have symptoms for a couple years. That directly affects you and your health, your life, your future. Hopefully she was safe with these 5 guys and is clean. It wouldn't be cool to lie about that.

The bottom line though, is that she sees the wrong in it all and where she screwed up and she isn't going to do these things again, according to you. That's important. The only way this will work is if you forgive her and start trusting her again. Only you can determine if you're willing to do that.

Last edited by justkeeppraying; 05-22-2010 at 04:17 AM.

 
Old 05-22-2010, 07:43 AM   #6
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Re: Is my girlfriend lying about her past sexual partners?

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to respond. This forum may be a saving grace for me and for our relationship. I definitely have something wrong with me and I would like to get past it because I really do care for her.

Larrylou'smom: you are absolutely correct. I am not your typical guy. While I enjoy sex, I don't look at it as just something fun to do. I have had two partners (counting my current girlfriend) in my life and I don't want to have many throughout my lifetime. I was brought up in a very respectable Italian family and I guess this is where this comes from. That's not to say that someone who has sex more often or with more people was not brought up in a respectable family, but I'm just explaining where I may have got this from.

When we first discussed this (my girlfriend and I) we talked about all of her past partners. She told me the situation, how she was ashamed of them, etc. She had some difficult ones (two where when she was in her first year in college and was just not being smart), and the other three were relationships (not long ones) that she was in with someone. One guy actually took her to get a tattoo at a very shady place and she ended up getting MRSA from their and had to get a procedure done for that. She's always been open with me and that's why I really don't feel like she's lying to me. I think, if anything, she's afraid that I'm going to judge her and feels intimidated because I had one partner and a long relationship while she had more than one.

On our first date, we really could tell me hit it off and things got a little hot and heavy. We didn't have sex, but were pretty close and probably would have if I had protection. I think this plays a part in my thinking because I feel like if she was like that with me on our first date then was she with others? We actually both admitted the next day that it wasn't normal for us to be like that (me included). We felt a connection between us and probably took things further than we should have on a first date.

The more I think about what happened yesterday, the more I feel like she probably didn't tell me the truth about this druggie because she was ashamed. I believe she did meet him on "MySpace" and I think she's probably ashamed that she was stood up and that she even wanted to date someone like that. She originally told me that she was sent on a blind date with him with her friend.

As I type all of this up, I think I'm realizing that I read too much into this. The initial shock of hearing something different than what I was told got the best of me and now I'm paying for it.

I don't know how to proceed at this point. We talked briefly over text messages last night and she explained to me once again that she was not keeping anything from me. She said that I need to trust her and she feels like I don't. She said she can't worry that if someone says something to me or if she explained something wrong is going to set me off. She repeatedly said she needs me to trust her.

On top of all of this, her mother was sitting in the room with her when we got into our argument yesterday. She's very close with her, and her mother is currently recovering from a procedure which makes me feel even more like **** for bringing this up. Her mother is a very understanding person, but I know she was a bit bothered by me bringing this up (and she's aware of our past arguments about this since her and her daughter are close).

I'm at a loss. I'm sorry my post is so long but it's because I have so many things running through my head. Since our argument, I have done nothing but sleep (since about 5PM yesterday until this morning) and I'm ready to go lay back down and sleep some more. Thank you again for everyone taking the time to respond to this.

 
Old 05-22-2010, 07:57 AM   #7
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Re: Is my girlfriend lying about her past sexual partners?

Everybody lies!! Especially those who say they don't.

It is just a matter of determining the level of tolerance you are willing to accept.
Your level seems to be very low.

You need to stop dwelling so much on her past. The degree of conversations with you that you have stated is not necessary a lie. She just left out all the details that she did not think it was important.

The way you are going at it, you are going to accuse her of lying to you the next time this same conversation comes up because she didn't go int the details of what specific sexual acts they performed and how long did it last and if she enjoyed it.

You have to leave it alone and let it go.

There have been two times in my life where a girl has asked my how many partners I have been with in the past. My answer to both was exactly the same.

"IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" (with a big smile and a chuckle)

.. and I couldn't care less how they took it. Problem solved.

I would never think about asking a girl how many partners she has been with and i never have.

HOOP! (I ask her friends.. they will tell me the truth!!!)

 
Old 05-22-2010, 09:07 AM   #8
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Re: Is my girlfriend lying about her past sexual partners?

from reading this it's I've come to the conclusion that it's a bit silly, once upon a time I use to care a lot about how many partners people have (and I do agree that if someone has a bunch of partners and one night stands it is a big judge of character) but perhaps I've become more liberal.

Does it matter? yes, but I think it's more of the circumstances that really matter, being in a relationship and having sex is a pretty normal thing ( in my opinion, but some people may dissagree), she's old enough to make her decisions and it's silly to dwell over something that has nothing to do with your relationship any longer, her sleeping with 4,5,6 people is not really a big deal. The only thing that bothered me was this whole issue with this guy she was trying to go on a date with, that I would be concerned about.

 
Old 05-22-2010, 09:59 AM   #9
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Re: Is my girlfriend lying about her past sexual partners?

Quote:
Originally Posted by debell83 View Post
On our first date, we really could tell me hit it off and things got a little hot and heavy. We didn't have sex, but were pretty close and probably would have if I had protection. I think this plays a part in my thinking because I feel like if she was like that with me on our first date then was she with others?
This here's what you call a double standard, and it doesn't really serve any good purpose. Don't forget, she not only "got pretty close" with you on the first date, but you got prett close with her as well. Does she have the right to assume you do that with every single woman you have a first date with? how many other women have you done that with? She could have just as easily assumed that you were a player and viewed sex as a sport and women as just hunks of meat, and how fair would that have been to you? It's not fair to judge someone for behavior that you yourself indulge in.

You two obviously had a connection, and a year and a half in, you should have a pretty good idea who she is and what she's all about by now, and how good a friend she is. That's what really counts.

 
Old 05-22-2010, 10:32 AM   #10
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Re: Is my girlfriend lying about her past sexual partners?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
This here's what you call a double standard, and it doesn't really serve any good purpose. Don't forget, she not only "got pretty close" with you on the first date, but you got prett close with her as well. Does she have the right to assume you do that with every single woman you have a first date with? how many other women have you done that with? She could have just as easily assumed that you were a player and viewed sex as a sport and women as just hunks of meat, and how fair would that have been to you? It's not fair to judge someone for behavior that you yourself indulge in.

You two obviously had a connection, and a year and a half in, you should have a pretty good idea who she is and what she's all about by now, and how good a friend she is. That's what really counts.
As I was reading this, I had the same notion, it doesn't matter. It's silly in general.

 
Old 05-22-2010, 01:13 PM   #11
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Re: Is my girlfriend lying about her past sexual partners?

Dude, You should just calm down and give her some space...I'm going through a very similar situation with my ex at the moment. I related to your topic so much and want to share mine. Me and her just broke up a month ago. I did it. We confessed a whole bunch of **** to each other which Idn what to believe. I took her virginity a year ago. We been dating for the past 6 months(been on and off for 4 years). She told me before we started dating like 9 months ago that she had sex with this guy. Now I'm no better, I lived an hour from her during this period and had sex with some girls. We weren't dating but ya know how it goes, we were close still. I felt horrible after I broke it off...I instantly wanted her back 2 weeks ago and now I'm paying for it. She wants a break, I mean I did the breaking up but she want's the break haha. I'm physically sick just thinking about what she's doing, who she's with. She claims to just want time to think and be with her friends. In my mind that means hang out with guys. Don't make anything worse with your girl from here on out. You don't wanna be in my shoes right now. I'm a mess and love the sh*t out of her...I stopped calling/texting and see where that leads me. I wonder if shes with a guy? I mean I can be with a girl but, do I want too really? No, I want her and hopefully she comes around and we get back together. I took her for granted. Be well my friend and will update each other through this board.

 
Old 05-22-2010, 02:53 PM   #12
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Re: Is my girlfriend lying about her past sexual partners?

Thank you for all the continued replies. We talked on the phone for a little while today. She told me she just needed some space and time to vent. I've realized more today than ever that I need to do something about this. I've contacted a local therapist and plan on meeting with her this week, hopefully.

She seems to have calmed a little today but is still very angry at me, which I expected. I will give her the space that she needs and wait for her to call me when she's ready. I went to a local florist and I'm having a dozen roses delivered to her on Monday with a card. She's been wanting to go take dance lessons and me, being the **** boyfriend that I have been, has been putting it off or making excuses. I went by the dance studio and tried to get a gift certificate but they were closed. I got one of the "free lessons cards" they had in the front and said something about it in my card to her.

I also called her mom today and apologized to her about what had happened. We talked for a little, she explained that she was angry at me for what happened and I got a bit emotional on the phone with her. I explained to her that I love her daughter and appreciate both her and her husband for all that they have done for me. She did end the call by saying it looks as if I have taken the first step towards making this right again.

I'm a mess right now. If we are able to get through this, we are going to be 10x stronger than ever. I've realized how ridiculous I've been (not just with this situation, but about our relationship in general). She's been the best thing that has happened to me and I refuse to lose her.

I hope this all works out.

Last edited by debell83; 05-22-2010 at 03:15 PM.

 
Old 05-22-2010, 09:29 PM   #13
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Re: Is my girlfriend lying about her past sexual partners?

I only read your first post and nothing else, but don't you think you are taking honesty to a new level?
Honesty up to a point, let her keep her SELF to herself, there are some things that a person owes to keep private, but I believe control, should not have place in relationships. Trying to take total control of her personal self, the part which we keep to ourselves for our psychic survival and dignity, is something that you owe to be aware of.

She deserves some respect for what she chooses to keep private/personal, which has nothing to do with you and her being honest to you, for YOUR sake. It is her sake and you owe to respect that, and not wanting to know every word and every thought and every thing and in detail, and strip her personal "SELF" naked. That is....creating total dependency to a controller and she is doing well to keep what she needs to keep to herself.

I find this a little too obsessive of you to the verge of paranoia or narcissism, and maybe-need to let go of this obsession.
Respect what her past was and let it be (and maybe she felt it was none of your business to mention everything and she would have been right with that) and stick to really serious things in the present, not the trivialities and what she needs to keep personal. Please!
She sounds like a decent enough person and you may lose her with your obsession in issues with trust and control and wanting to know everything in such accuracy. there is a trust issue you have problems with and having a total-mind and behavioral control of another adult so that you don't worry about unwanted and warranted surprises. Just stick to KNOW the person.... would be more what every other person.... concerned with and that should be enough to put you at ease that she is trust worthy!

Last edited by Conceptual; 05-22-2010 at 09:57 PM.

 
Old 05-23-2010, 07:51 AM   #14
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Re: Is my girlfriend lying about her past sexual partners?

After leaving her alone yesterday and giving her the space she needed, she sent me an e-mail last night (I know it seems strange, but that's our thing). She asked if we could go out to eat on Monday night and she wanted to go to the doctor with me this week because she was worried about me (what I'm going in for).

She explained that she's sorry again for what happened a year ago but she said we need to move on past all of this. She asked that I give her today to her self with her mom.

 
Old 05-23-2010, 09:14 AM   #15
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Re: Is my girlfriend lying about her past sexual partners?

She's giving you a chance. Be sure to not blow it with more jealous, obsessive behavior. This is a golden opportunity for you to learn an important lesson. When you get the urge to start in on her again (and you will, this won't disappear overnight), STOP! Remind yourself of the pain you are feeling right now, and of the pain you inflicted on this girl you love so much, and STOP! You CAN help it, all you have to do is close your mouth and refuse to let the jealousy out.
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