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Old 05-22-2010, 06:09 PM   #1
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I have a crush who loves someone else....

Hi all this is going to be short and sweet. I would just like your FIRST thought/opinion.

I met a guy through a mutual friend. I have had a crush on him for about 6 months but never said anything. Anyway we hung out a couple of nights ago and he basically told me that he is still in love with his ex, doesn't want to be, and is open to the possibility of something else...(I just told you a waaayyy short version of a waaayyy long story)

Anyways I am supporting him in his quest to stop smoking and after we left each other last night I sent him a text that said "I was thinking that maybe one day you will chose to kiss me and that will trump the urge to have a cigarette..."

he replied, "My greatest concern"

what in the heck does that mean????

Even though I have a crush on him I am not going to pursue him any more than the above b/c I know he still have lots of feelings towards his ex...and I remember being in that position a year ago and I needed time to get over the relationship.

But I am still curious about what his text means....

Your thoughts please.

Last edited by lindsjean; 05-22-2010 at 06:24 PM.

 
Old 05-22-2010, 07:22 PM   #2
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Re: I have a crush who loves someone else....

Quote:
Originally Posted by lindsjean View Post
... he basically told me that he is still in love with his ex, doesn't want to be, and is open to the possibility of something else...

what in the heck does that mean????
.... to use your own words.....Is what I want to know.

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Old 05-22-2010, 08:03 PM   #3
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Re: I have a crush who loves someone else....

I think you are too close to "freind" zone and if it hasn't happened, then it wont. No telling what the text meant. i swear, people should never text love texts, or lust texts, or anything else in that category. They almost ALLWAYS are misunderstood, misenterpreted, over scrutinized, etc. Much better to say it face to face.....then you can tell by the other persons reaction which way things are going. My first gut instinct about his comment however, he has been concerned that you may possibly like him, because your his friend, and he isn't interested in much more then that. I could be wrong though. Good luck!
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Old 05-22-2010, 10:26 PM   #4
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Re: I have a crush who loves someone else....

Quote:
Originally Posted by lindsjean View Post
Hi all this is going to be short and sweet. I would just like your FIRST thought/opinion.

I met a guy through a mutual friend. I have had a crush on him for about 6 months but never said anything. Anyway we hung out a couple of nights ago and he basically told me that he is still in love with his ex, doesn't want to be, and is open to the possibility of something else...(I just told you a waaayyy short version of a waaayyy long story)

Anyways I am supporting him in his quest to stop smoking and after we left each other last night I sent him a text that said "I was thinking that maybe one day you will chose to kiss me and that will trump the urge to have a cigarette..."

he replied, "My greatest concern"

what in the heck does that mean????

Even though I have a crush on him I am not going to pursue him any more than the above b/c I know he still have lots of feelings towards his ex...and I remember being in that position a year ago and I needed time to get over the relationship.

But I am still curious about what his text means....

Your thoughts please.

I think it is self explanatory in your post, by your own writing!
He is quite aware of your crush....crushes have an obvious display to the outsider especially more so to the person who is the target of this unrequited crush, and he has told you he is not ready for a love relationship-not available emotionally (but could probably go to bed with someone perhaps?)

Having said that, he may not do that with someone who has a crush on him, and have someone to persue him obsessively....perhaps...as crushers do?
He seems to want your company of a female friend, but to keep it clean.

Now having said all that, what the guy means with those words, is the only one to make clarifications as to what he meant, though it is clear that he is not ready for a relationship-and since you are in the circle of friends would be inappropriate for the other option???? (I don't know); perhaps you found the helping him with the quit smocking as an excuse to be near him....and the signs tell him to stay clear?

That was a very upfront-c'mmon message, and also-not personal or sincere through a text. It all spells trouble for someone who is still in love with someone.
Perhaps he has known what you wanted of him all along, and he stays clear, but only he knows what his message means.
I think you do know though, since you appear to feel shame and want to retreat, out of the in-appropriateness or feel of rejection-and even lose him as a friend?

He has my respect for the sincerity of his behavior rather then take on the offer to just go to bed-he does not seem to want to do that, but stay a friend!

Why not ask him directly?
Are you feeling ashamed since you put yourself out there so daringly, yet in-sincere through a text?

You would have done better just being a friend, and support him and leave it at that.
You could apologize to him for the error (not the trial and attempt) and ask to see him and assure him you won't try that tactic again...in the hope that you remain friends.

Last edited by Conceptual; 05-22-2010 at 10:35 PM.

 
Old 05-23-2010, 09:07 AM   #5
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Re: I have a crush who loves someone else....

You posted a couple months ago about you and your DH trying for a baby. If your friend knows about that (and I'm certain he does, if he's a good friend), that could be a very good reason for his response. After all, if he knows you're married and trying to have a baby, he certainly wouldn't want to get in the middle of that!
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Old 05-23-2010, 12:49 PM   #6
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Re: I have a crush who loves someone else....

Hi all. First of all thanks for responding!

I am going to generally respond to people questions and comments below.

I did not say that to him directly b/c I am actually a timid person when it comes to romance. I am usually not the one that approaches guys...as I have mentioned in previous messages all my life I have been considered as the "pretty one" or "exotic one" (I am not saying this to pat myself on the back or anything) so I never really had to approach men...I am very out going and talk to people all the time but when it comes to romance I have been out of the game for so long and texting was safe for me....
To show this, when I saw him he asked me what I wanted to tell him and I told him that it would have to wait....

As for him knowing about my ex DH. I don't think that it bothers him...He is more focused on his former relationship that mine is not really a concern....plus he is aware that my dh and I are no longer together and I have NO interest in getting back with my dh. That ship has docked and to be quite honest the waters are waaaayyy to rough to leave the harbor.

I actually don't feel rejected...I know that he is still in love with his ex but I wanted to put it out there that I am interested. It is up to him what happens next. Either way I will continue living my life.

As for helping him to quit smoking he asked me to do that....however it was to my benefit b/c I got to see him a lot...which I enjoy.

Oh another thing about his response.
He is a philosopher at heart. He quotes philosophy a lot and all that he quotes explains in his version how he feels.

Just an end note:
Maybe I shouldn't have put myself out there, but I am glad I did. It is okay if we do not end up together and/or he goes back to his ex. I mean I did take a risk and it had a 50 50 shot...

but I still want to know what his d@*n text meant!

 
Old 05-23-2010, 02:06 PM   #7
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Re: I have a crush who loves someone else....

I don't think your 'risky' text had a 50-50 shot at all. Clearly this guy not only has alot of feelings for his ex, it's way more; he's in love with her. He's focused on his failed relationship with her. He thinks about her every single day- this goes with the territory.

For any kind of a 50-50 shot (definition being a chance where the results could EQUALLY go either way), this is what the situation would have needed to be, but wasn't: the guy has NO feelings for his ex, nor for any other person. He has learned from his past relationship, but has since moved on and does not rewind and play it over and over again in his mind. The guy is at the point to where if a wonderful woman came into his life, he would be ready and willing to be with her. And he is trying to decide if you are this woman.

I'm not trying to burst your bubble, but I think there is no hope. I don't even think you are in the running as a rebound; maybe just someone for him to go to bed with.

To me, he made this clear when he said, "My greatest concern". He's 'concerned' how he is going to handle being friends with someone who wants to kiss him, because he does not feel the same. All he needs is a 'quit it n kick it' buddy. Someone to hang out with and who will keep him motivated to stay sober. His gal pal. Nothing more.

Just my honest opinion, it's not meant to be hurtful, just truthful.

Last edited by justkeeppraying; 05-23-2010 at 02:11 PM.

 
Old 05-23-2010, 02:36 PM   #8
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Re: I have a crush who loves someone else....

Ok, because in your post on another board, you were talking about how you and your DH, who had reconciled, were trying very much to have a baby, and you'd been to the doctor numerous times, etc. It was only a couple months ago and it did not in any way sound like you two had split for good.

ANYWAY...yes, you put it out there, and his response was not enthusiastic...I too read it as, he was "concerned" that you had more than friendship-type feelings for him. Whether his "concern" is based on his feelings for his ex, or his knowledge that only a couple months ago you were trying to have a baby with your ex-DH (or both), his response was not a promising one. Hopefully, if you are up for it, he will still be able to be friends knowing you want more. Time will tell.
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Old 05-24-2010, 07:03 AM   #9
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Re: I have a crush who loves someone else....

Quote:
Originally Posted by lindsjean View Post
he replied, "My greatest concern"

what in the heck does that mean????
He was giving you the most ambiguous answer he possibly could, which should tell you something. Mostly though, that he isn't very open with his feelings, perhaps he's a game player?

I would basically only take from this that you didn't get a definite yes out of it, but anything else, from a no to a maybe are still in play. You really did put yourself out there (and good for you for your courage), his response should have been clearer. In general, is he a shy guy?

Texting can suck sometimes, lol. For all you know, he was being sarcastic.

 
Old 05-24-2010, 01:35 PM   #10
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Re: I have a crush who loves someone else....

Quote:
Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
You posted a couple months ago about you and your DH trying for a baby. If your friend knows about that (and I'm certain he does, if he's a good friend), that could be a very good reason for his response. After all, if he knows you're married and trying to have a baby, he certainly wouldn't want to get in the middle of that!
Umm, yeah I agree.... that could be a reason.

 
Old 05-24-2010, 02:49 PM   #11
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Re: I have a crush who loves someone else....

Quote:
Originally Posted by River rocks View Post
Umm, yeah I agree.... that could be a reason.
I was confused, though, because on another board, just a couple of months ago, you said you and DH had worked things out and had been trying for a baby, you had gone to the doctor together, etc. I figured if this other guy was a close friend he probably knows about you and your ex (or whatever he is) trying for a baby. I know I'd be wary of someone who was trying to have a baby with someone else just a couple months ago, then suddenly was interested in me. I think that may be a factor in his response, but who knows.
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Last edited by Mod-S4; 05-25-2010 at 08:59 AM. Reason: Please post to the original poster and her question, talking about them in 3rd person can seem rude. Thanks.

 
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