i am really sad, so i decided to write to strangers and ease my inner pain.
yet again, i met another man. i really am a good girl i tell myself.
but i am weak. a weak soul. i have wished for children for some time now.
haven't found anyone that would be ready for such commitment.
lookin' in all the wrong places maybe...i am.
two weeks into this relationship and we've pretty much did it. he sleeps over
sometimes already. he knows what my wish is. i am ready. he isn't? or he is.
i don't know. i have to wait they say.
but i feel very guilty each time. i feel i give myself quickly in hopes that maybe
this time he will give me the gift of life. i rush. because i fear, i pain, and i cry, and i am late....surrounded by couples, or, by pregnant women.
i cling fast, how i can cool down. how can i say, well, we did it, but it's ok,
a relationship takes time. does it?
i am ashamed. how can i promise myself ever not to do this with a man this quickly in order to respect myself. my judgement is clouded by my deep desire for children.
i have so little strength. so little self control. i hate. i hate. it pains me.
how can i free myself from a pattern, that is so damaging. ...
It's simple. If you cant do it for you......do it for your baby. Your baby deserves to be conceived out of love and deserves to be brought into a healthy environment. He or she deserves to be brought into a situation that is both emotionally and financially stable. Do it because you love your future baby so much, that you are willing to start sacrificing now. Think of it this way, you are moving sooooooooo fast. Do you ever talk about std's with these men? Do you go and get tested together? I'm guessing not if a two week relationship is allready turning into sleepovers. Do you want your baby to be born with a disease that you could have prevented? Of course not! Or worse still, did you know that chlamydia can cause a woman to not be able to conceive? And you can have it and not even know it? Do you want to do something that could cause you to not ever even get a chance to hold the baby that was meant for you? I'm not trying to criticise or get down on you. Most of us have made some pretty big mistakes in our lives and had to live with the consequences there of. Speaking as a woman who is pregnant by a man who moved way too quickly, and is now alone.........I think it would have been better had I been a little wiser. I didn't know half of what I thought I knew about this man......and although I will never regret my child......I will forever regret the father! I suppose I'm lucky, although I will never get child support, I can affoard it on my own and on the flip side, I will never have to deal with his bad influence. But how am I going to look into my childs eyes when they ask me some day about their dad, and tell them that I was stupid, he was a loser, and I made some very poor choices? My child deserved to be brought into a loving family that was healthy. Not a grieving family whose mother moved too quickly with an a**hole! But you can stop that from happening. You can start making better choices today, so that your child is born into a family with every single opportunity! You can start today in building a solid foundation that will help your baby thrive. Sooooooooo, knowing all that.......are you still torn? I wasn't trying for a baby....it just happened....very unexpectedly. But had Iknown that I was meant to have a another child, I would have chosen the father a little more carefully, and had more respect for the whole situation then I did. Wouldn't you? So get to it! Dump the two week guy, and start fresh. Start by working on you, and finding a healthier interest. Love and marraige and babies will come probably as soon as you stop LOOKING UNDER A ROCK! lol. Got it? In the meanwhile, get a dog. Maybe a little chihuahua...they are very snuggly, and needy. Very much like haveing a baby. They even like to be wrapped in their little blanket and held closely. Best of luck to you!
just remember....as much as you want a cuddly little baby to call your own.....you are connecting yourself FOREVER with the person who fathers it.....make sure he's someone you want to deal with for that long.....choose wisely, or else go to a sperm bank and you can have a kid, no strings attached......that might be a wiser choice.
Try to see it from the child's point of view. A child deserves so much in life. Are you sure that you are ready to raise a child alone because whether you sire a child with a causual fling or by sperm donor, then you will be raising him/her alone. Many women can do this but for me and my child I knew that I wanted a father to be there for the both of us.
Don't just think of yourself, your own want to have a baby, that is very selfish. Think of the child's best interest.
I agree with Rose, if you're so desperate for a baby, perhaps you should check into IVF and using an anonymous donor.
Men can smell desperation the same way a dog can smell fear. From your post, it sounds like you've already told him you want kids, like, NOW. After only two weeks? I'm actually surprised he didn't run screaming down the street. A man wants a woman who is her own person, who is already happy and satisfied with her life. A man doesn't want to feel like you will make him responsible for all your happiness, that you haven't been doing anything with your life except waiting for him to come along and fix everything that's wrong and fill every hole in your soul. Yes, a loving husband and babies, a home and a family and a trustworthy companion to share all of life's ups and downs would be wonderful, everyone wants that. But these kinds of things are not the kinds of things you can really plan for. They involve the cooperation of another person's free will, and not even God can control that. It just doesn't happen for some people. If you insist on being unsatisfied and unhappy with life until you get them, then you are going to live a very unhappy life. If you have the money and the means, you can adopt or go through a sperm bank and fertility clinic to get your baby, but you can't MAKE love happen. It either will or it won't, but you an increase your chances of it happening if you just take it easy and enjoy getting to know different men and take your time and let them get to know you as well before you start demanding a commitment. And fill up your life with friends, rewarding work, fulfilling hobbies, charity and volunteer work, adventures and fun, girls nights out, etc. Then who knows. You might build a life that is so exciting and fulfillilng, the right guy will come along and will love to share it with you.
Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 05-26-2010 at 08:21 PM.