Hello! I've written before. To make the story short, I went to HS with this guy about 15 years ago. I loved him. He dated my friend, but depended on me for advice. I was there for him, even though she was always his first choice. He went into the Marines and pretty much never remembered me. It broke my heart. Fast forward until last year. We met up again on FB. We ended up dating for about 4-5 months. I was on top of the world. He was always honest with me. I knew he was in the process of a separation b/c his wife cheated on him, which included aborting his child. I'm a virgin and also suffer from depression. He accepted both. But when we got close to "relationship" status, he ran. For the past year, I've tried to keep in touch with him, most of the time him responding. He was always honest that he didn't want to lead me on. But as many times as I've written, he's never said to stop. He's never taken me off FB. He had so many chances. I found out he is dating someone and it's hitting me hard.
I truly 100% felt he was supposed to be the one. I can't let that go but am so sad. It's supposed to be me. He hasn't responded to the letter but has yet to take me off of FB when I pretty much tell him to if he wants nothing to do with me. Any advice would be helpful....I think!
Last edited by Administrator; 05-29-2010 at 06:59 PM.
Reason: Identifying information and vulgar language are not allowed.
You seem like a great lady with a wonderful heart. But honestly, you can't guilt someone into loving you. I do not want to be hurtful, but the reality is that you are his friend but be he's not into you the way you love him.
Find someone available emotionally. He might seem like the best thing since sliced bread, but he is simply not going to come back and love you the way you deserve from someone. Let it go and don't punish him for it. Move on..
You may have just overwhelmed him with you emotions. Guys just don't think the same way women do and sometimes it either turns them away or scares them.
I should've kept my mouth shut? Not tell him my feelings?
There isn't anything wrong with telling him your feelings, but what exactly did you hope to accomplish with that? the guy is blowing you off, no doubt about it, were you trying to confirm that? because if so, well, there you go, he doesn't care. He doesn't care that he upset/hurt you and he isn't going to have a change of heart, he has moved and so should you, trust me, i know it's painful, everyone has been there, but you need to let the hurt sink in and deal with it and move on yourself.
I was absolutely not punishing him. I find that offensive. I was telling him that he hurt me. Since when is that not allowed?
No offense intended. Its just that your words to him imply he should feel guilty. And maybe he should, I don't know, but I have never seen any instance where after a man leaves a relationship (by his choice) he will go back simply because the woman made him feel bad about hurting her.
As if a lightbulb is going to go off in his head "gee.. I really messed her up, she really cares, I guess that means I better go back to her." Doesnt happen and if it did it wouldnt be genuine.
I just feel you have a lot more to offer than to wait around for Mr Unavailable and uninterested.
He "pulled away" a looonnnggg time ago. He did not show "so much interest", you two only spoke when you initiated contact. It's not like he was calling you every day, asking you out on dates, coming over or having you over, etc. any time recently. This all ended last year some time. You held on but he didn't, and it's pretty obvious. So in telling him your "feelings", he's probably sitting there going "WTH???" And your frequent use of the "F" word doesn't sound loving and caring, it sounds angry, hurt and somewhat accusing. Anyway, he obviously saw you as a friend type rather than a romantic possibility and he's probably baffled at your angry (and yes, it does come across as angry and betrayed) letter.
I think you've been advised many times on this board that he just isn't going to be "the one" for you, despite your wish that he is. You can continue to attempt to pursue this, or you can try to accept it and find ways to move on.
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"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong
No offense intended. Its just that your words to him imply he should feel guilty. And maybe he should, I don't know, but I have never seen any instance where after a man leaves a relationship (by his choice) he will go back simply because the woman made him feel bad about hurting her. As if a lightbulb is going to go off in his head "gee.. I really messed her up, she really cares, I guess that means I better go back to her." Doesnt happen and if it did it wouldnt be genuine.
I just feel you have a lot more to offer than to wait around for Mr Unavailable and uninterested.
This is exactly what i'm talking about, he doesnt care, even if you wish that he did, he doesnt. I know that is difficult to accept, i have been in this kind of situation myself a few times and it REALLY stinks. The best thing to do is to simply cut all communication, don't see, text, call, email him under any circumstances, completely delete him from your life, pretend that he never existed at all. When you get angry and write him these letters, you aren't just telling him your feelings, you're also telling him that he still has power over you and you need to take that power back, once he sees that you no longer care and are going on about your life he's gonna be like "what happened to her?".
You use the phrase "when we were dating" so frequently in that letter, it's almost like you're trying to hold onto that. I am really not trying to offend you, just give you the truth, but your letter comes across as somewhat desperate. It will seem obsessive to someone who isn't interested in you, that you're thinking of him so much and analyzing everything so much and recounting everything you've done for him. To someone who was never that interested, the letter is just going to turn him off from you even more. Think about it, if someone wrote you that that you weren't interested in, wouldn't it make you feel sort of put-off? If you get the urge to write him again, I advise you to just write a letter and not send it. I don't think he was ever that interested, I think you were just a rebound and available to him but he only ever really saw you as a friend type. We've all been through it and it really sucks, I know and I'm sorry.
There's nothing wrong with you telling him your feelings, we're just trying to get you to see that this letter isn't going to bring about any changes from his side and he doesn't care as much as you do.
By being so silent, he sure is saying alot. He probably was caught so off guard and has no idea what to say
On a positive side, it's good you got everything off your chest. I know deep down you were hoping your letter would make him want to come back. That it'd make him realize what a good person/great catch you are. That he'd see how loving you are. And I'm sure you are those things, but telling him so in a letter won't make him see it. Writing someone letters of devotion won't make them love you nor come back. You cannot try to convince someone to be with you, or try to talk/guilt them into it. You shouldn't even want to. I'd never in a million years want to be with a man whom i had to 'convince' to stay with me. The ugly truth is that you think he's 'the one', but he doesn't feel the same. So you must stop telling yourself you're supposed to be with him.
That saying "out of sight, out of mind". He left and didn't think about you much. He 'forgot your birthday' and didn't initiate contact. The signs were there before that he was/is not interested.
In his eyes, he probably feels he was 'there for you'. If you wanted to talk, he usually responded to you. That's how he probably sees it, but it's just him not being 'there for you' in a romantic way that bothers you.
I think I read somewhere that he posted a picture of himself and his new interest on FB, and that this upset you. It's like you're blaming him for moving on and it's been a year. You need to move on too. Pursuing him will push him further away. You weren't his first choice in high school (your friend was), and you are not his choice this time either (apparently, this new girl is). With this trend, you wouldn't be the third time around either, so there is no point in continuing to pursue him. I'm sorry if this hurts you, it's just the truth. Take care of yourself and nurse your heart. I agree, I would stop writing him letters like this. You'll be okay.
Blessings to you.
Last edited by justkeeppraying; 05-26-2010 at 01:45 AM.
I'd also like to add something about a comment you made, although I'm sure it was innocent on your part: "God wouldn't let you hurt me twice."
God does protect us (if it is His will). He will look after those who seek refuge in Him. However, He will also give us warnings. If someone has been 'warned' and they choose to keep doing against it, sometimes God lets them learn the hard way. That is a price some people pay for being stubborn and continuously going after something He has made clear is off limits. This goes for everything- careers, relationships, activities, ect. So what you said is not true. If you ignore the signs, step off the path He's guiding you on, you will be hurt over and over again (if it is His will).
Last edited by justkeeppraying; 05-26-2010 at 01:46 AM.
I wrote the letter b/c I wanted to get everthing off my chest. Knowing my feelings for him never stopped, he had every opportunity to tell me stop contacting him. I didn't write the letter so he feels guilty. If he feels guilty, that's on him!!!
When you were with him he was very vulnerable. He thought you might be the one for him in the future but he wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship at that time.
Now he is ready for a relationship he's realised that you aren't the one for him after all. You were the right person at the wrong time, now unfortunately it is the right time but you are the wrong person.
He told you all along he didn't want to string you along, and you were the one to do all the chasing. His not responding to you the last few times you contacted him should have told you he wasn't interested. He had already pulled away from you. Maybe he took the cowards way out by not responding to you and telling you that he had a girlfriend but he'd already shown you that you were no longer the one for him.
I really don't know what you expected from sending him that letter but it does come off a bit desperate and angry. He knew how you felt about him and he chose not to be with you. You need to put this behind you and move on with your life, there isn't anything else you can do about this situation.
I wrote the letter b/c I wanted to get everthing off my chest. That is all right. Now you can move on, please. Knowing my feelings for him never stopped, he had every opportunity to tell me stop contacting him. I don't think men usually do that. A woman may do that, but men are probably too "proud" or too lazy to tell you to stop pursuing him. I didn't write the letter so he feels guilty. If he feels guilty, that's on him!!! Well, I don't think he feels guilty, or if he does, it is something he can live with. Please don't get me wrong, but you shouldn't sell yourself so cheap. You need someone on the same level as yourself, not on a pedestal.
I'd tend to agree with the others that the letter does sound a bit desperate and angry. I think those kinds of letters (where you want to get everything off your chest) should only be sent if you're actually still together. Once it's over (which this is) they shouldn't be sent. Writing them can be very cathartic, but sending them is pointless.
As for being annoyed that he had plenty of opportunities to tell you to stop pursuing him, I'm not sure anyone likes the idea of having to do that, they will usually send out signals and do all sorts of other things before having to come out and be so harsh and say "leave me alone", or "stop pursuing me". You are trying to make him doing something that isn't necessary. A person shouldn't have to be that blunt or rude. He gave plenty of opportunity to read his signals which he's sending out loud and clear. Expecting him to put it in those words is like expecting him to be outright mean, which is unfair to him. I think he's been trying to be polite and you should let him, even if you are hurt and angry and want him to be the bad guy.
Anyway, your post title asked 'did I blow it?'. I'd say there was nothing left there to blow, it's more a matter of getting over him now.
Like almost everyone else, I also believe the relationship was already "blown." If it made you feel better to send that letter, great. My experience with men has shown me that guys usually don't read letters that long -- even if the letter itself is praising the guy. I'll bet my last dollar that's why you haven't gotten a response. He probably saw the length and moved on to something else.
I think your mistake is taking the fact that he hasn't told you to stop contacting him as a "sign" that he does have those kind of feelings for you. But like Della said, who really wants to be the one to say "leave me alone!" I'm sure he doesn't hate you so saying something like that seems unnecessarily mean and he prefers to not be mean to you. But that doesn't mean he's in love with you or even wants to date you to "see what happens".
Time now to let this go and realize that you have a lot of life ahead of you. You don't want to waste it chasing this guy who is clearly not interested. There's lots of nice young men out there; find one of them!
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"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong
