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Old 05-25-2010, 03:05 PM   #1
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relationship in trouble (sort of long, sorry)

Hello all....

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months now. The first 5 months of our union was amazing. We saw each other as much as we could and after about 3 months, I brought my children into the spectrum. Well, after the amazing 5 months together, he received an Email from a women that used to be, for lack of a better term, a "F" buddy for him. She was informing him of her schedule incase he ever wanted to see her. After about 2 weeks, he wrote her back and they set up a time to meet. Well, I called him on all his BS because I went through his Emails (he gave me his login and password) and demanded an explanation. He swore to me that he'd be a total fool to ever cheat on me and that if that was his plan (but isn't), why the hell would he give me his password and login and attempt it, literally, right in my plain sight? I wasn't too sure I agreed with the one he gave me.....but I had no proof that anything went on, so I dropped it. After that night and the huge fight that we got in, he came over to my house to break up with me over the lack of trust and wound up never leaving and has since moved in. Well, this woman continued to Email my boyfriend extremely out of line content and he did nothing to stop it. It drove me insane. So much so, I became obsessed with checking his Emails and phone records to see how often he contacted her or her, him. Then....here comes another strange phone number to our phone bill. Text messages everyday and phone calls to and from. I was ******. So, I called him on that issue also. He stated she was a friend of his and 2 of his other friends and was going to pull some strings to get him a job. Ok...fine! But, why does she need to blow up his phone? Especially considering she's, "happily married"! So what did I do? I called her and she told me the same thing he did. So, I dropped it but never once hid the fact I called her. I came right out and told him. Not to mention, told him I have gone though our phone bill and his Emails.
Well, a few days ago, things really came to a head. The "out of line" girl sent him an Email that is just simply NOT OKAY for a woman to be sending to a man she she apparently knows has a girlfriend. So, I exploded and when he said he was leaving me, I said fine and handed him his keys. We were both beyond ****** off. A 3.5 hour text message fight and few words exchanged over the course of the next 2 days, he decided that we were through and there was no saving our relationship despite of the fact we love each one another. I didn't budge on my point of not being respected and that things like this are simply not okay when you have a girlfriend. I also went ahead to mention the phone call/text message person too - while I was at it. He insists the phone call chick is just a friend and the "out of line" woman is just plain crazy and has been the years he's known her. Still, not an excuse! So anyway.....he came over to my house early one morning after getting off work and to my knowledge, the night before had it in his head that we were through and he would only be coming over to get more of his things moved out. But then he sat down in our room and said to me, "I had a thought last night". When I asked what it was, he said that the idea of me and my girls with another man really bothered him and he couldn't shake the idea of it. He didn't like it and he stated that he couldn't understand why he felt that way but the more he thought about it, the more ****** off he got at the the idea of me laying next to someone else every night and my daughters crawling up into the lap of someone else. I will admit perhaps my jealously and insecurities got way out of hand but I came from a broken marriage that was destroyed for those exact reasons. I was cheated on and made a fool of. So, to hear this man tell me that he could not stand the idea of me and my daughters with another man and that he loved the idea of us and loved me made me wonder - does he really have it inside him to stray? Or, did it finally hit him how much I really do mean to him? Well, later on that day, he went on to tell me that after he left my house the night before, he called the "out of line" lady and told her that she needed to leave him alone. The next day, went on to tell me that over Memorial Wknd, I will be meeting the "phone call" lady.
I want so badly to believe him, as I love this man a great deal but I can't help but wonder, am I just being a fool? Is he only staying with me because I allow this behavior to continue? I am aware that he's entitled to have female friends, as I have male ones, but I made my point over and over again that he needs to be a little more open with me about the context of these friendships. Don't let me find stuff - just come out and tell me about it first and we won't have these problems.
Any insight would be greatly appreciated because I am sort of torn. He had the option to not tell me he called that woman to have her leave him alone, or to give me the opportunity to meet his phone/texting friend but he went ahead and disclosed that information and in general, has treated me in a very loving/affectionate manner.

What do I do?

 
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Old 05-25-2010, 03:40 PM   #2
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Re: relationship in trouble (sort of long, sorry)

What was his (most likely lame) excuse for emailing the inappropriate girl and setting up a date to meet? Sounds to me his intention was to meet her. He's just using the "I let you see everything" as a way to make you think you know whats going on. Somehow I doubt it...

Plus, he's allowing her to keep texting. If he cared about you only, he would ignore her texts instead of responding and encouraging her (which he most definately is, since she keeps doing it).

Last edited by River rocks; 05-25-2010 at 03:43 PM.

 
Old 05-25-2010, 04:14 PM   #3
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Re: relationship in trouble (sort of long, sorry)

I'm sorry, but I think you're trying to fit this guy into a mold that he's incapable of becoming.

You are irritated because the other woman is sending inappropriate texts/messages and your BF I guess didn't put a stop to it? Like you're expecting him to stand up and be a guy with character and morals? Did I read correctly that the other woman is "happily married" and your BF saw her just a "F-Buddy"? See, that's contradictory right there. Good guys with morals and character don't make F-buddies out of happily married women.

Did I also read correctly that your BF is unemployed? You've only been together a short time, he's already moved in, is unemployed and he's screwing around and acting inappropriately with his "happily married F-buddy"?

What do you do?

You show him the door. You're being played and made a fool. I'm sure you were an easy target coming from a marriage where you had been taken advantage of. Don't make the same mistake again.

There's no way I'd tolerate this going on in my own home I'm paying for from a guy who I had a fight with and didn't leave after we made up.

 
Old 05-25-2010, 04:32 PM   #4
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Re: relationship in trouble (sort of long, sorry)

Quote:
Originally Posted by StenoLady1 View Post
Did I read correctly that the other woman is "happily married" and your BF saw her just a "F-Buddy"?
.
I think she (original poster) was saying that "happily married" one was a different one, she found some texts to her but said it was job hunting related and that one is just a friend. The "f" buddy is just some skank who keeps texting.

I dont think it really matters regardless. He still lets the "f" buddy text and that says a lot right there. Plus....she found an email with proof he was going to meet up with the "f" buddy. Let me guess....they were just going to umm, have coffee and talk about the weather, right? (rolling eyes)

Last edited by River rocks; 05-25-2010 at 04:33 PM.

 
Old 05-25-2010, 04:49 PM   #5
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Re: relationship in trouble (sort of long, sorry)

Yeah, the meeting up with the f buddy is bad. You aren't friends with your f buddy, you don't hang out. All you do is f an f buddy. Him saying "but I gave you my password" is a way to manipulate you.

 
Old 05-25-2010, 07:00 PM   #6
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Re: relationship in trouble (sort of long, sorry)

The only reason you meet up with an "F" buddy is to, well, "F".
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Old 05-26-2010, 04:29 AM   #7
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Re: relationship in trouble (sort of long, sorry)

Don't let his crocodile tears con you. He doesn't respect you at all. He was planning to cheat on you, simple as that.

Why would you want to meet his "phone lady", he should be cutting her out of his life completely.

You and your girls deserve better than this.

 
Old 05-26-2010, 08:15 AM   #8
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Re: relationship in trouble (sort of long, sorry)

Quote:
Originally Posted by River rocks View Post
I think she (original poster) was saying that "happily married" one was a different one, she found some texts to her but said it was job hunting related and that one is just a friend. The "f" buddy is just some skank who keeps texting.

I dont think it really matters regardless. He still lets the "f" buddy text and that says a lot right there. Plus....she found an email with proof he was going to meet up with the "f" buddy. Let me guess....they were just going to umm, have coffee and talk about the weather, right? (rolling eyes)
Thanks, Red, for the clarify. The post was definitely hard to follow without any kind of paragraphing and multiple "other women."

The Enter key is our friend on message boards Definitely helps with readability.

For our Wishful friend, the fact that some folks responding are confusing her BF's other women ought to be a sign itself. Just so I'm straight, it's two other women he's having inappropriate contact with, right? And he's living off her? And she's teaching her daughters this behavior?

Even with my initial confusion, my advice is still to have this guy move out. If you choose to carry on any sort of relationship with him at all, know going in that you're one of several F-buddies. Make sure you use protection and keep your options open with other men.

 
Old 05-26-2010, 08:47 AM   #9
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Re: relationship in trouble (sort of long, sorry)

No....there is confusion all the way around, it seem!
The "phone lady" is a friend of his and 2 of his other friends - all in the same line of work and she is doing what she can do get him a job with one of his other friends....my issue with her is my BF never bothered to tell me about her. I thought they had excessive contact which is why I threw a fit, however, his friends wife knows this woman and says shes not a threat....she really is just pulling strings. As far as the F buddy - he never saw her that night and since our last blow out fight, he has told her to never contact him again unless it's about the legal work she's doing for him (which I have seen - just my luck she's a paralegal) but after the legal work is done, she's out of his life for good and should any more need to be done, he's agreed to find another atty.

He seems to be very serious about not wanting to lose me and my daughters, which is why meeting "phone lady" was a solution of his. To ease my mind. And, he told "F" buddy to "F" off which is what I have been asking him to do all along! She has tried to contact him since and he's told me about it each and every time but he has ignored her each and every time.

To me, it looks like he's taking the steps he needs to take to save us. He's very loving and affectionate and is very involved with my daughters. I'm just continuing on with my guard up because I do not want to be hurt again and I'm a little afraid I'm just blinded by love, ya know? I don't look at him and see a monster.

 
Old 05-26-2010, 08:55 AM   #10
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Re: relationship in trouble (sort of long, sorry)

This might be like beating a dead horse, and maybe it doesn't matter to you, but I still want to know WHY was he PLANNING on meeting the "f" buddy? Did you ask him and what did he say? The only reason he didn't go was because you found out and so he changed his mind...right? What do you think would have happened had you not looked through his email? Would he not have gone to meet her as he had planned?

And as for your being gaurded, well that is natural, given the evidence you found. Its a natural instinct, and its about 95 percent accurate. Listen to your gut....don't ingnore it.

Last edited by River rocks; 05-26-2010 at 08:56 AM.

 
Old 05-26-2010, 09:36 AM   #11
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Re: relationship in trouble (sort of long, sorry)

Wishful, one of my questions might have been missed.

You said in your original post that one of these women was trying to help your BF get a job. Is your BF unemployed with you supporting him?

That would speak volumes to his motive for making you feel like he can't live without you.

I have very little respect for men who live off of women and screw around on them on top of it.

 
Old 05-26-2010, 12:04 PM   #12
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Re: relationship in trouble (sort of long, sorry)

No....he has a job - a good job. He was in law enforcement prior to working for a union but now, an opportunity has come up in law enforcement that will allow him to qualify for an academy that will open up many doors for him. I am not supporting this man, no.

 
Old 05-26-2010, 12:06 PM   #13
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Re: relationship in trouble (sort of long, sorry)

Also....as far as him meeting the F buddy, he didn't know that I knew about it until a week later. I kept that for myself, to see what he'd do and so with that being said, instead of meeting with her, he came over to my house and spent the night with me. It was a week later when I called him on all his BS

 
Old 05-26-2010, 12:19 PM   #14
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Re: relationship in trouble (sort of long, sorry)

So the sexting has stopped, he didn't meet up with the F buddy, and he has a good job, and the other woman is just trying to give him a lead on a better position. Sounds like you believe all is well, which is great.
So then, why the original post? Are you feeling that it is a trust issue within yourself? You feel uneasy but you feel it is all in your head?

I for one would not be so willing and able to brush off the email to the f buddy..even if he ended up not going through with it. It's still inapproriate. I still wonder why he wrote to her at all, don't you? I'm not trying to stir up a hornets nest if you already are at peace with this..

 
Old 05-26-2010, 12:33 PM   #15
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Re: relationship in trouble (sort of long, sorry)

The original post was written because it haunts me. I can't get what I saw out of my head. My husband cheated on me, 7 years into our marriage - knocked up his receptionist (original huh?) and he was the 1st man I ever really could say I loved. Well, now this guy has come into my life, I'm totally head over heels for him and I'm scarred from my past. I'm not trying to punish him for the wrongs my ex did, but with everything I saw, it's hard to let go and learn to trust again. At least the way I did before I saw any of that crap, ya know?
I wrote in an earlier post that I can't look at this man and see a monster....but at one point in our relationship, it looked like the intent to become one was there. And here's something I find odd. Before he and I lived together, I could pop over to his house at any ol' time, any day - whenever I wanted without calling or anything and he'd always be there - alone, cleaning or playing video games and NEVER gave me cause for concern - then the Emails were written. I have it on good authority that this "F"buddy has used his house before as a place to "F" one of their other friends and uses his house because this other friend is married (scumbag) but my BF's old roommate used to talk about how she'd come over and use the extra bedroom to "F" quite often and they all laughed at her for it cause she's such a sl*t. I'd call her a wh*re but that's giving her too much credit because at least they get paid!
It's just, seeing what I saw tainted the relationship and to be quite honest, he'd never have time to F around on me. We're together literally 24/7. If he's not at work, he's with me - all the time. He's not really big on going out with the boys and half the time if he does make plans with them, he blows them off and spends his time with me instead, or I go along with him.
He saw me in a state, the other day, that I'm not proud of. I was completely hysterical. I didn't mean to get that way....but I couldn't stop myself. Regardless, he left my house that night and had his mind made up that we were done. It wasn't until the next morning he told me that the idea of me with someone else AND my girls made him ill and he has vowed that he wants to do everything he can to save us. He has told me he loves me more in the last 2 days then he has in the last 2 months and that he can't stand the thought of losing me. With all this going on, and everything that has happened between us and with the knowledge that it's hard to pull one over on me - can one person really be that mean and F with another persons heart? I don't get that "vibe" but like I said, the stuff before haunts me.

 
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