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Old 05-31-2010, 03:05 AM   #1
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Angry Unwelcomed visitor- sorry it's a little long, but need HELP! :(

I want to get some opinions and see if I'm in the monority.

My husband's parents has a friend that lives over an hour away from us. She visits her daughter who lives about 2 hrs from us and sometimes this friend will make an unannounced visit while she's passing through.

I don't mind surprise visits, except that this friend always ends up sleeping over. This has happened too many times and I am getting so irritated. It's not the act of sleeping over that bothers me but everything that goes along with it. She is a very difficult lady to get along with, all her conversations is always about herself. By her age (60-70) I thought she'd learn to ask questions too. But, no.
Here are some examples that get me irritated.
-She once, unannouced (of course), came over about 9 pm and said she couldn't drive any longer to get home from visiting her daughter. My husband and I had plans to watch a movie that night (at home), but she wanted to talk (about herself) and we ended up talking until about 1 a.m. until I apologized that I had to get up early and was heading into bed. She ended up talking with my husband until about 2-3 a.m.! My husband had things to do the next day also but he kindly put up with it.
-Another time she came over, announced only about 10 minutes ahead. She called from a pay phone across the street and asked how we were and what we were doing. Then she said, "well since you're not doing anything can I come over?" We thought it would take her an hour, but no, she confessed that she was across the street. She also said that she hadn't eaten (HINT HINT!) and I know that she's diabetic, so I had to feed her. I didn't have much I could give her that would fit her specific diet but I figured that was better than nothing. She did thank me though.
-This past weekend her daughter got married and we were invited to the wedding. We told her that we'd would probably stay around the area for the weekend to visit. Well we decided to come home early. We arrived home at 10pm and tired. Then we heard a knock at 10:30pm Who was at our door? She said "I wasn't expecting you to be home!" We live in a complex so you have to go out of your way off the freeway to see if we're home. She said she just couldn't drive any more and decided to pull into our driveway and sleep for the night. I told her our neighbors may call on the police if she decided to do that. So of course, we welcomed her and made up a bed for her. I told her that my DH and I planned on watching a movie, and fortunetly she said she was going to sleep.
Would that irritate you? or am I a bad hostess?

I feel terrible that I think she's a bother, but I really don't like unexpected guests sleeping over. She did ask if she could sleep over, but what were we going to say since she's standing in our living room? She says that we always rescue her. That's very nice but I don't want this to become a habit, or that we don't feel bothered by it. (I know it's already becoming a habit in her mind)

She has no social grace. She will talk on and on about herself and all her ailments and how she can't work because of it. I know about her ailments well and I know she CAN work, she doesn't want to (for the last 20 years!). During her daughter's wedding her cell phone went off and she didn't try to turn it off! Finally the family member next to her got her purse and told her to turn it off! During the reception we were talking and she started to cough. Another friend was nearby and she started to reach for her glass saying "give me your water". She wasn't choking. I told her I'd get her a glass but she said "No I'll have her water." but the friend said "No you cannot have my water!"

I am not the only one that "tolerates" her. My in-laws can only handle so much of her before they'e had enough. My husband though, working for the church, "enjoys" things like this. It's a chance to show love. I agree. But I admit, I don't have as much patience as he. I told him before that since he doesn't mind that he should play host to her and be in conversation and participate in making the meals for her.

Sorry this is so long, but how would you all handle this? I don't mind her coming over but why can't she call at least 30 min. ahead??? She has a cell phone (we all heard it during the wedding!) She also over stays her visit. She doesn't get the hint that it's now time to go home.

BTW, before we were married she and her daughter used to come visit my husband for days at a time mostly for the daughter since she doesn't have a father, my hubby tried to be like a big brother to her. She has not stayed with us for days at a time since we've been married (13 years), but she did say at the wedding if she could come visit and go to the beach with my son and me. I told her that would be o.k. but she needed to call ahead of time to schedule the visit. Truthfully, do I really want to? No. But trying to be polite what else was I supposed to say? "No, please do not come to visit because we really can't stand your visits and neither do most of your friends!"? I may be rude but I'm not that rude!

HELP!

Last edited by Mod-S4; 05-31-2010 at 09:17 AM.

 
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Old 05-31-2010, 03:21 AM   #2
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Re: Unwelcomed visitor- sorry it's a little long, but need HELP! :(

Boy, I bet it felt good to get that off your chest! What a nightmare. I can feel the stress you must be under. She might just be too old to train. I like your idea of getting a commitment from your husband, that means shopping, cooking, preparing, cleaning up after, listening to the stories about her...the whole thing!

Or, your husband has to somehow change this woman who seems quite rigid... he should jump at the first choice!

People that stay at your house should be agreed upon by both partners, and it is the man's job to prevent his wife from being subject to a woman who is so objectionable. It sounds as if you have a traditional family, so this would be your husbands job to do, or to keep it from burdening you by taking it over from you.

You are a calmer woman than me, I would not have been able to hold my tongue. I am interested in your story...

 
Old 05-31-2010, 04:35 AM   #3
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Re: Unwelcomed visitor- sorry it's a little long, but need HELP! :(

Whoooaa! I cannot believe the story about this lady calling your home from across the street! Why bother, she was like 200 feet away, she should have just saved herself the 50 cent payphone call and come right over and knocked on your door! She usually does that anyway, right, lol ! And the wedding stories... wow! I actually feel a bit sorry for her daughter too, that she has to put up with this woman's antics probably full-time. I hope there was no damper on the wedding.

It's pretty obvious this lady is being inconsiderate of others. While it's never ideal to be rude, you must speak up because she's overstepping her bounds. It doesn't matter how old she is, she should have some kind of social etiquette/manners when dealing with people in society, especially her own family/friends, you would think.

Since she seems to lack even the minimal common courtesy, perhaps the next time she unexpectedly comes over 'too tired to drive', you should tell her you're unable to properly host for her and recommend a nearby hotel. (Or you could park your vehicles out of sight so she won't think you're home, lol). You could make up an excuse if you wanted to, but you don't owe her an explanation. You really don't owe anyone an explanation, you're an adult.

If you don't want to go this route, then I think it's a good idea if your husband plays host and makes all the necessary preparations for her by himself. I don't think it'll be too long before he no longer 'enjoys' it.

I agree, your story is interesting.

 
Old 05-31-2010, 09:06 AM   #4
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Re: Unwelcomed visitor- sorry it's a little long, but need HELP! :(

Oh, I hear you on this one. That is tough. I'm sure the logical thing to do would be to just tell the truth, or to try and find a way to politely let her know that a phone call in advance would be nice, or that she isn't welcome at all! lol. But for me, I am terrible at telling people I dont like them comming around. In fact, I never do it. I suffer through it when they show up, and thank my lucky stars when they are gone. I get through it, and that's just that. I would feel way worse if I stood there and told them the truth. So I'm sure that's not what you want to hear, and really, I didn't mean it to be advice. I guess I'm just sympathizing with you. I have gone through similar situations, and I can never seem to find the right way to put an end to it either. Good luck!
Melissa

 
Old 05-31-2010, 11:26 AM   #5
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Re: Unwelcomed visitor- sorry it's a little long, but need HELP! :(

I'm so glad to know I'm not the only one that thinks this lady has no social ettiqutte.
As I speak, she is sitting in the dining room with DH talking. I've been trying to keep myself busy and not get sucked in her conversations because once I step in I can't get out!
One of my girlfriends called and asked me out to lunch, she was trying to save me and I may take her up on this offer.

What is interesting is that she is polite in some ways but she doesn't know where her boundries are. When I woke up late she said "oh, was I talking too loud?" so she is conciensious about her surroundings. She is very polite to strangers, but her friends is another story. I feel like she thinks she can butt right in our personal day to day lives and that we don't mind it and that we like it.

My in-laws were also invited to the wedding but in the last minute they couldn't come because of health reasons. I would not be surprised if that was a white lie.
This lady thinks very highly of my in-laws. She reserved seats at the wedding for them very close to her, but I know they do not share the same feelings.

How do you politely tell someone that it's now time to leave? I don't want to lie and say that we have a function to go to, or we have plans when we don't. She will and has inivted herself to events before but she'll be very polite about it "Is this a function that requires an invitation?...Do you think they would mind if I came?"

She just doesn't get it!

Her daughter, by the way, has had trouble all her life with her. She pretty much ignored her mother during the wedding. Now that she's married I can guess that the daughter will grow more distant to her mother. I don't blame her, but I don't agree with it. She may be annoying and irritating but she's also growing very frail and weak and I think her daughter still should show respect to her mother in later years and care for her.

I'm afraid that one of these days I'm going to let it all come out and she'll hear the truth about how we feel. I don't want that but I don't want what we have now. Errrrr!

 
Old 05-31-2010, 12:07 PM   #6
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Re: Unwelcomed visitor- sorry it's a little long, but need HELP! :(

If you have caller I.D., don't answer the phone, let her leave a message. I wouldn't answer the phone at all after a certain time in the evening. If she's calling from a pay phone, you won't recognize the number, but if it's someone else and important, they will leave a message. If she comes by after a certain time, you don't have to answer the door! It's YOUR house! If she asks you about it later, tell her "we have a new policy, we need to get to bed at a certain time and we don't answer the door after ---PM". I think she will get the message after doing this for a while. And if she asks if she can come over, tell her you are doing something else. If she doesn't respect your boundaries, you have a right to be rude, IMO. You don't owe her an honest explanation, and you don't need to feel guilty for not answering the phone or door!

 
Old 05-31-2010, 06:20 PM   #7
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Re: Unwelcomed visitor- sorry it's a little long, but need HELP! :(

I am so distraught right now I hope I'll make sense.
I ended up going to lunch with a girlfriend and she said the same things as you all have said, thank you sooo much for letting me vent!

When I came back home (about 4 hrs after I left) she was still here. She finally left at 3pm. Anyway, my husband and I ended up having a "heated discussion" over this. I ended up crying in front of my son and I think that scared him. I am soo besides myself I don't know what to do! I'm irritated with my husband now.

Our situation may be different than most people, because my husband works for the church, he feels like it's his duty to welcome people in need. That is a tough one. I do agree with that in scripture but it's sooo hard to follow through on it, especially when the people are hard to get along with. DH agrees that she's a difficult person and she is very needy. He puts up with it.

Unfortunetly this blew out of proportion and I got upset at husband that he cares more for the stranger in need than his own family! I truely do feel that way sometimes. This is not a new argument, I've told him before that he puts in more hours caring for people at church than his son and wife!

He flat out said that next time she comes he will welcome her and accomodate her as much as she needs. I told him that if he does then I'm going to say that I have things to do and if he wants to particiapte with me then fine, if not he'll have to be host to her.

As far as checking caller ID (which we don't have) that wouldn't make a difference anyway because she'll still come over to stay the night even without calling. I usually don't answer my calls anyway unless it's family and they all know to call my cell phone if they need to reach me.

I feel like pulling my hair out! I wouldn't be so upset if my husband said "yes, next time let's make a plan that we have things to do so she won't over stay her visit." But, he won't unless we ACTUALLY made plans. He doesn't want to make something up just to get her out of the house.

Can a person be too good? or maybe I'm becoming a little wicked?

 
Old 05-31-2010, 08:14 PM   #8
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Re: Unwelcomed visitor- sorry it's a little long, but need HELP! :(

This woman has gone 60+ years without ever being confronted for her rude behavior! Your husband may think he's doing good, but he's not helping her. She will continue to be a lonely person that people avoid because she won't see what she's doing wrong. I think it would be better not to answer the door rather than tell her off. If you tell her off she will probably get offended and have an excuse in her mind that you are a bad person. If you don't answer the door or leave when she comes, maybe she will wonder about what she has done and hopefully, it will sink in.

Your husband is enabling this behavior and doesn't realize that he's committing a bigger "sin" by letting her manipulate and take advantage of your generosity. He is letting her come between the two of you. Maybe he's afraid that she will tell other members of the church if he stands up to her.

I would definately do something on your own when she comes. This isn't about being a good person or not, a good person would help her make other friends and not keep allowing her rudeness to keep her at a distance from everyone.

 
Old 05-31-2010, 08:22 PM   #9
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Re: Unwelcomed visitor- sorry it's a little long, but need HELP! :(

My co-worker, who is very well-versed in Scripture, told me a few days ago that it does say that you are supposed to take care of your family. Maybe you can find the Scripture reference and read it to your husband to gently remind him that he has a family that has needs too.
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Old 05-31-2010, 08:48 PM   #10
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Re: Unwelcomed visitor- sorry it's a little long, but need HELP! :(

Wow- I read stories like this in "Dear Annie" or "Dear Amy" and they always baffle me because I never understand how it is that some people just get walked on this way.

In your case you might say, "We'd be so pleased to have you for a couple hours, maybe for dinner, before you go find a hotel." Or something like that. If she's not good at taking hints, I'd be very honest - privately- with her and say, "It's putting a real hardship on our family to host you whenever you need a place to stay with no notice. I'm afraid this will be the last time we'll be able to do this for you."

I've never had a problem saying no to anyone so I'm not really sure how nice people do it. No one ever imposes on me in that manner so it's never come up. But I would never consider doing what this woman is doing to you. It's completely rude. She's taking advantage of you and you should put a stop to it since it's obviously creating an enormous amount of stress for you. You should come first for your husband, not a stranger.

 
Old 05-31-2010, 09:19 PM   #11
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Re: Unwelcomed visitor- sorry it's a little long, but need HELP! :(

I think your human, and I think he's human. I think that being married to a man who worked for the church would be very difficult. It would feel like a conflict of interest a lot of times. On the flip side, he has made a commitment to his congregation, and you agreed to support him in that. I dont think I would argue that the other people come before you and your son. I'm sure he loves you both very very much, and if it came down to an actual choice that HAD to be made, he would choose the two of you. But is it that necessary that he choose here? You can easily do like you did today, and find your own way about things and avoid the situation. Meanwhile, he can keep his commitment as well. I think this would probably be the most agreeable alternative. It's not really fair to tell him that you dont want any part of her, and neither should he, when he's made that commitment to the church. I didn't realize this was his job when I posted the first time, but seeing as how it is, it definately changes things. I think more then anything, you are just tired of "playing second fiddle" all the way around. I think you probably feel like you want a mroe private life with him. But this is what he has chosen to do. That's a tough one. I see both sides, but mostly, I feel like this IS his job. It's his calling. I think I would just be scarce around this particular woman, and find something else to do.

And I dont think your wicked.......everyone has that one person....sometimes more then one, that just rubs us wrong! Hang in there!
Melissa

 
Old 05-31-2010, 10:16 PM   #12
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Re: Unwelcomed visitor- sorry it's a little long, but need HELP! :(

Why can't you guys find some kind of middle ground with a solution that works for both of you? Is he so totally inflexible that he won't even compromise? Marriage is ALL about compromise, he should know that by now!

What's his deal, really? Does he not understand the importance of working together as a team to ensure that both of you are comfortable? If not, then he probably shouldn't be holding any kind of important position in the church because part of leading people involves counseling them in marriages to ensure the couple understands the importance of compromise. If he can't even do that in his own home then he certainly shouldn't be given any kind of real responsibility in the church.

 
Old 05-31-2010, 10:26 PM   #13
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Re: Unwelcomed visitor- sorry it's a little long, but need HELP! :(

Hi This sounds very ignorant of me.But when she comes unexpecetely.DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR!! It's your house your life.Good Luck with the uninvited.I've ignored people I don't want to be bothered with....

 
Old 05-31-2010, 11:18 PM   #14
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Re: Unwelcomed visitor- sorry it's a little long, but need HELP! :(

I do feel at times that married to a man who works for the church is difficult. And I do realize that I signed up for it when we got married. We live in a fish bowl, if you know what I mean. But, I do enjoy helping those who are truely in need and I feel that this woman is not in true need (usually).

Years ago when she first came to our door she did have some major issue that she needed talking with. I was ignorant then not knowing that she ALWAYS has issues. After she left I spoke with my husband and he said this is typical of her. The following times after that I didn't find her appearance so amusing.

My husband usually does not let people walk all over him. He has known this lady almost all his life but she is not blood related () so I think he feels obligated to hear her out and help her out.

JustMel- yes I agree with you that my husband would choose his family over other people if he had to choose in the big scheme of things. But, sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

My plan is to talk with one of the pastor's wives (my husband is not a pastor) this week and ask them about this situation and get their opinion and find out what they'd do but not make it sound like I'm second guessing my husband. I know this woman will eventually make her way back to our house and I want to be tactful yet straight foward and tell her her limits.

Her daughter has told this lady multiple times that she is socially inept, rude, selfish, etc but this woman thinks HER daughter has some neurological problem with no social etiquette. Her daughter is a charming young lady.

At least for now she is out of my house, but I know she will call because she left a few of her things here. Perhaps I should drop by her place without notice and give them to her? and sleep over and talk and talk without rest about everything going on in my life? She probably wouldn't mind!

 
Old 06-01-2010, 09:51 AM   #15
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Re: Unwelcomed visitor- sorry it's a little long, but need HELP! :(

well as long as your husband has stepped into the position of being this womans personal confidant, psychologist, audience, whatever......
I'd let him entertain her and make other plans when she visits. Go shopping and buy yourself something nice!

 
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