It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 05-31-2010, 03:05 AM   #1
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 3
DucatiT3ch HB User
Help! Need advice on sex drives and stuff!!!

Where to begin? I'm 25, almost married for 2 years with a 4 year old son (she had from a previous marriage). I work and go to school, working on my Masters now. My wife works part time, takes care of our son, and she is working on her AA degree. We are both happy in our marriage, I love our son who I have been trying to adopt since we married... (long story). Anyway on to the problem...

Our sex drives don't match up... She is 24 and has zero sex drive. I have to ask repeatedly and basically 'schedule' sex for anything to happen. If I didn't do this we would never have sex because she says that she doesn;t think of it or desire it at all. I would say that we have sex 2 to 3 times a month and thats only because we are trying to get pregnant, but if we were not trying, then I would say I'm lucky to get it once a month. Thats a big problem for me... because honestly I can't really enjoy sex with my wife when I know that she is not at all interested... kills the whole thing for me. So now I battle from keeping my sexual feelings inside without bothering her which seems to depress me... or ask her for sex and when we do have it just not give a **** that she doesn't want to be there?

Another problem is that she will only possibly be open to having sex when she goes to bed which is between 11 and 12... while I work 2 jobs and have to wake up at 2am everyday, so I usually don't want to gets sexually involved that late as I would not get any rest for the morning (I deliver newspapers).

I don't know what to do, I talk to her almost daily about it. I try to not let it bother me, but it does. Should I seek professional advice like a shrink? Do I need medication? Does she? It's really annoying because I love everything else about our relationship and our lives (except being broke... both college students)... What do I do!?

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 05-31-2010, 06:31 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,081
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: Help! Need advice on sex drives and stuff!!!

Well, first of all, does SHE think it's a problem? There are many reasons why a woman loses her sex drive and it bothers a lot of women. Does she want help with it, or does consider it just your problem?

What has she said when you've talked to her about it? Just that she has no desire or need for sex and that's just that? Well, that's not really all that fair to you. That's not what you signed up for.

If she's willing, I suggest she go to a doctor and see if there is any physical, medical reason why she doesn't want sex. If she's having issues with her hormone balance, that could also affect her ability to get pregnant as well, so that's' something worth her getting checked out.

I don't think you need medication. You are only 25, and having a healthy sexual appetite at your age is normal. The problem is not yours, it's hers. The question is, does she want to do something about it?

Was your sex life good when you were dating or when you first got married, or was it always a chore? When did it start going downhill?

 
Old 05-31-2010, 07:48 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 969
justmel30 HB User
Re: Help! Need advice on sex drives and stuff!!!

What does she say about it? Do you just talk about how you want more and she doesn's say anything? Or has she ever given you a reason? has it allways been like this?

I dont know how normal it is for a 24 year old to have completely zero sex drive.......but then again....what's normal anymore? But in my experience, those that have a serious lack in interest, have somewhere along the way adopted a belief that it's wrong, or dirty, or not right. Some got this from a past experience like a rape or something like that. Some were taught this by parents as a child and it never left....etc. There are many many reasons why some women adopt beliefs like this.

Other women with a lack of interest are just in general worn right out or stressed out every day! If she's working, going to school, and raising a kid,cooking, cleaning, and making sure everybody and everything is where it/they need to be, when it/they need to be there.....yeah, you can probably kiss your sex life goodbye for a while.

Some women have problems "functioning", just like men. So this can also be a problem for them. If they have a hard time becomming aroused, it could be for any of the reasons above, it could be due to a lack of confidence, or just simply chemical.

My advice would be to talk. I dont mean hound her for more sex. I mean ask her how she is feeling, and why. If she just shuts it down and doesn't answere, or says she's just too busy, then I would explain how all of this makes you feel. Long story short, only you know your wife, and how she will most likely react. But I have a feeling this is going too take a little more help then just a sit down with her. I think the two of you are going to have to find a way to speak with a therepist or something to give both of you a better understanding as to what is going on. But make sure you chose one who has the same values as the two of you. If the two of you are not the type that believe that anything and everything is ok, then you may want to find a more christain based counselor. This will be less likely to embarass the two of you and completely turn everyone off to the whole idea. Therepists can do a world of good, so long as you are careful in selecting the right one. Good luck!
Melissa

 
Old 05-31-2010, 08:40 AM   #4
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 3
DucatiT3ch HB User
Re: Help! Need advice on sex drives and stuff!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
Well, first of all, does SHE think it's a problem? There are many reasons why a woman loses her sex drive and it bothers a lot of women. Does she want help with it, or does consider it just your problem?

What has she said when you've talked to her about it? Just that she has no desire or need for sex and that's just that? Well, that's not really all that fair to you. That's not what you signed up for.

Was your sex life good when you were dating or when you first got married, or was it always a chore? When did it start going downhill?
Well, it seems that she only thinks its a problem when it puts me in a depressed mood and she has to deal with me... but if I'm happy then no, her lack of desire for sex doesn't mean anything to her. She does seem to want to help, at least she says that she does, but conversation after conversation... nothing changes, although I am happy that she will talk to me openly about it all.

When we talk about it she acknowledges that her lack of desire is not normal, and not 'fair' to me, but offers no ways to fix the situation. When we first started dating sex wasn't a problem... then we got married and I think the problem possibly came to light when we tried to have a kid. We've been trying for quite a while with no success and just last month enlisted the help of a fertility clinic.

 
Old 05-31-2010, 08:45 AM   #5
Newbie
(male)
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 3
DucatiT3ch HB User
Re: Help! Need advice on sex drives and stuff!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by justmel30 View Post
What does she say about it? Do you just talk about how you want more and she doesn's say anything? Or has she ever given you a reason? has it allways been like this?

Other women with a lack of interest are just in general worn right out or stressed out every day! If she's working, going to school, and raising a kid,cooking, cleaning, and making sure everybody and everything is where it/they need to be, when it/they need to be there.....yeah, you can probably kiss your sex life goodbye for a while.

Melissa
She says she wants to help the situation, but doesn't like sex. Then we have the problem that when we do, I know she doesn't want to be there, which makes me not want to engage in any activity and just go to bed. She says that she hasn't really ever had a sex drive but while we were dating, I didn't have to talk about sex in order to have it. Now it seems like pulling teeth...

She works part time on the weekends, and goes to school part time. She's not too worn out for everyday tasks either... that would be me as I do the cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, house keeping etc... I should be the one that wants to hit the pillow at night!

I agree that we need to see a therapist to get this sorted out, if it can be. Any advice on where to start to find someone? Also is it common place for a therapist to take health insurance?

 
Old 05-31-2010, 09:54 AM   #6
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 4,081
Larrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB UserLarrylou'smom HB User
Re: Help! Need advice on sex drives and stuff!!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by DucatiT3ch View Post
She says she wants to help the situation, but doesn't like sex. Then we have the problem that when we do, I know she doesn't want to be there, which makes me not want to engage in any activity and just go to bed. She says that she hasn't really ever had a sex drive but while we were dating, I didn't have to talk about sex in order to have it. Now it seems like pulling teeth...
I kind of suspected this. So this HAS always been a problem for her, and it seems that while you were dating, she gritted her teeth and had sex with you until she "nabbed" you, and now that she's got you all sewn up, she can now be free to be who she really is and not have sex at all, unless it's to have a baby. Sounds like kind of a raw deal for you. What happens to your sex life after you DO have all the babies she wants to have? She knows you'll never leave her, so it seems she talks a good game about getting help but never follows through because she knows she doesn't really have to.

I still recommend she get a full medical examination, talking at length and in depth about this specific issue with her doctor, to rule out any physical reason. Then, if that comes up empty, perhaps start with couples therapy. And yes, most insurance policies do cover a certain amount of therapy sessions per year. You might even call your insurance company to get advice or references. Good luck to you.

 
Old 05-31-2010, 10:07 AM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 969
justmel30 HB User
Re: Help! Need advice on sex drives and stuff!!!

I would hit the yellow pages. They normally take health insurance, but if you dont have it, there are those who will allow your to pay on a sliding scale, or a income based payment. You might want to check out your community mental health center and see what they have to offer. But like I said, be a little picky, and try to find one who's values match your own. You dont want somebody telling you to hang upsidedown from the rafters to add a little spice if anything other then the missionary position makes you blush! lol.

 
Old 05-31-2010, 11:29 AM   #8
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
pendulum's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Florianópolis, Brazil
Posts: 3,713
pendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB Userpendulum HB User
Re: Help! Need advice on sex drives and stuff!!!

I know it may sound naive or off-topic to say this, but she might not be eating the right foods. When your diet is very much unbalanced, not only your libido may be affected, but also how easily you get pregnant or not. Apart from any kind of stress, nervous or physical, I would consider looking at her diet and lifestyle as a potential key for the solution of this problem. At least as one of the keys.

Last edited by pendulum; 05-31-2010 at 11:30 AM.

 
Old 01-20-2011, 10:50 AM   #9
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 6
justdontno HB User
Re: Help! Need advice on sex drives and stuff!!!

i would have have her go to the doctor or the fertile clinic might find out sooner or later.. bec i think the other person might be right.. she might have an inbalance that is causes no desire and no children.. just a thought but i would do that before therapy..

 
Old 01-20-2011, 11:48 AM   #10
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
trystme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,101
trystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB Usertrystme HB User
Re: Help! Need advice on sex drives and stuff!!!

Dr. Laura Berman just had an episode on the Oprah channel about this. It was a couple who had a great sex life right up to the point where they got married and then she quit trying because she figured she already "had" him.

For them it took lots of therapy and homework. It took a willingness on her part to fix the problem.

 
Closed Thread




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (273), rosequartz (255), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (159), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (102), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1013), Apollo123 (909), Titchou (856), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (763), ladybud (755), midwest1 (670), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:48 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.com™ All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!