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Old 06-01-2010, 01:27 PM   #1
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Lost and confused..... Still in love, do not know what to do

Dear Reader,

Thank you for taking the time to read my story. I hope that sharing my story with you will lead to the kind of advice I am looking for. I have tried talking to friends, but they just do not know what advice to give me.

I would like to tell you, that I am seriously in a bad state emotionally, in that there are a lot of confused emotions that I have. I am just looking for the advice of someone who is knowledgeable and/or experienced in a similar situation. So, its a complicated story, so, i really hope that I write clearly enough so that everything is clearly understood.

I would like to explain somethings about myself, that may be able to give you an idea of who I am.I think It would be good if you had a good idea of who I am.

I am 38 years old man, since January. I come from a very dysfunctional family with a history of neglect, abuse and alienation. This is important to mention because, one, i feel like at my age, the chances that I will have a family of my own are becoming more less likely. I know that the bad experiences I have had while growing up affect my relationships with women as an adult. So, here is my situation. I reallise this as well, that it would be best to seek professional psychological help or go into therapy, but it is 100 per cent completely impossible for me to do . I think i actually suffer from, obsessive love disorder, the kind of life experience I have endured and my behavior, indicates this. The abuse i suffered, was coming from a broken family, being violently abused and also sexual abuse at two different periods in my life, one as a child of 5 years old and another period of abuse occured when i was away at military school when i was 12. my family is broken and being the child, who is exactly in the middle of, two older sisters, the oldest not having the same father as me and two younger half brothers my fathers second marriage. I was lost in the shuffle it seems. I was very neglected by my mother and she abused me physically and emotionally in ways that i can not describe, as it is too painful to go over with you. I do not have a relationship with my father or his family that is very nice at all. When i bring up the issue of my abuse, no one is willing to talk about it, everyone is in denial of it, except for me. this is really difficult as well.

i am an artist. I live outside the norm and am a very unique individual. i love the person i am, and although my life is difficult, i do my best to live a good and happy life. i am generous, helpful and strive for the best for myself. i like to enjoy the party, but i am not addicted to drugs or alcohol. but have had bad experiences in my life due to drugs and alcohol, but this is normal. i am compulsive, but learned my lessons, and do not put myself in harms way anymore, due to my compulsive behavior, i am not perfect in this, but i am definitely a lot better than i have been in the past.

In September of 2008, after being in communication with a woman, whom i met and communicated with over the internet. I decided to come to Paris, France from Brooklyn, New York to be with her in a romantic sense. Prior to being in touch with her, I had not been in a relationship with a woman,for about 4 -5 years. The last relationship I had, before deciding to give this one a chance, ended badly. There was cheating involved , and honestly, it is always every situation with a woman i have had a relationship with, since i was 15, involved the girl or woman cheating on me. this always caused me a great deal of pain and suffering.

So, after taking a huge chance on a woman i knew only in ways and not in person, I came to Paris, to be with her. This did not work out at all. Everything that could have gone wrong, did go wrong. I am over that, even though i had a lot of belief at the time, that it was going to work out, i was really depressed over that, and decided to stay in Europe, but after one month of being in Paris, i decided to move to Berlin. I love Berlin. It is the perfect place for me.

Well, When i moved from Paris to Berlin, when I arrived in Berlin, I went through a really bad depression, I look back on it now, and think i was kind of foolish. Whatever the case, it happened and its over, and i learned a lot from that experience. I live in a pretty famous place in Berlin, it is a very large community house that has been there for 20 years. It is a really alternative place and its really cool, i like living there very much. Well, after living in Berlin, although i never had the intent to go back to Paris, due to a lot of reasons, some good, some bad, some just necessary, like my job, i had to go back to Paris. This woman in Paris and I, at the time had some unresolved financial matters between us, i had been using her european bank account in order for my job to pay me. My employer made some huge mistakes and still continued to pay me, on her account after i made all the arangements so that this would not happen. I actually wanted to try to be adult and friends with this woman, even though she really treated me horribly, but she was not being cooperative, and i asked for her to give me the money that was being paid on her account, from my job. She refused.She also refused my friendship. It was just a horrible story. So, one day, in February, her and i were exchanging some emails, about this issue.She was just being so rude and uncooperative, that I had gotten to the point where i just had given up on thinking her and i were going to be able to work anything out. I remember having left the internet café that day an going back to the place where i was staying in Paris, and just like a huge ball of energy inside me, all the emotions and all the feelings i was going through at the time seemed to be be just released from within me into the energy of the universe, its hard to explain, but i had just reallised a great moment of clarity about the reality of the situation and felt at a certain peace within myself and at the same time, i remember feeling like i was just giving myself over to whatever it is that creates everything,i dont believe in god, but for arguments sake, lets just say i felt like i was speaking with god in this moment, and i said with my soul, as if though i was asking the universe for the one and only true thing that i really ever want in this life, is to find a woman, who can be my lover and my friend my companion to share the rest of my life with, i remember very clearly having this thought and experience and in my heart saying, "this is all that i truely want, and to never have to experience this pain that i had just gone through." For some reason, even though everything was really just sad and difficult for me at the time, i felt at a certain peace, because something just made me reallise, that one day this is going to happen, and to not worry. To be strong and have confidence.

So, that day i went back to the place where i was staying, although things were really difficult, it was the case, that the people i was staying with were going to have a really cool party, in any other state of mind, i would have refused to even go, but i said, yes, i would go and make the best of my time and get over being sad about the situation with this girl i was having, i put myself in positive mode.

well,this very night, i was at the party,enjoying myself,good music and a good time,i noticed a woman,i thought immediately she was very attractive and i worked up the courage to speak with her, we hit it off right at the start, and in our conversation, it came up that i was visiting Paris but living in Berlin,she told me she also used to live in Berlin 10 years ago. Well,as it turned out, when she was living in Berlin that she used to live in the same exact place where i was living. I took this as a really huge sign, and also that night, she spent the night with me at the party, it ended up that she knew people that i also knew, and we we also have a lot of the same interest and when the night ended, she came to my room ,and we spent the rest of that night and next morning making love. it was really nice lovemaking and it was just as if though it was a wish come true.

The next day, which just happened to be valentines day, i left the place where i was staying to go with her. we just had the best time, and we continued to have a really intense moments in sharing things and amazing sex.

well, this lasted for a few weeks, and if anything it was the very first time in my life i had ever met someone and felt so strongly about it fom the start. we really just connected on every good way imagineable. it was just great. but, i had to leave Paris to work in Brussels but we made plans to see eachother in the summer in Berlin and work together on a project.

i actually went to brussels, then came back to Paris for a short time with the plan of going to the south of france soon after, then from the south of france, i would be going back to Berlin.

but, the woman who i had been involved with before somehow got involved with my life again because of the money issue was still going on unfortunately, and to just make a long story short, the woman who i was now with, had gotten a strange phone call because of the other girl, and felt really akward about getting involved in a situation that had nothing to do with her, i think it really put her off, and it put a negative energy on our otherwise really nice time.

so,when i left to Berlin from Paris this time, her and i were on a more of, lets take it easy and be on lets see how it goes, we didnt plan to see eachother again until the summer in Berlin.

well, i didnt take it easy, i really was having a hard time being away from her and put too much pressure on her, so she told me, lets just be friends, i agreed, thinking that when she came to berlin that we would work things out, and that did not happen exactly.

that was almost a year ago, her and i are still in touch, i have been in Paris of and on since she came to berlin. and ,well now, i am back in Paris for a few months, and i think i am about to really lose her completely, and i dont want that to happen.

i do not see her as often as i would like to, and feel like sometimes i am trying to hard , even though i promised i would be friends and see how it goes, she told me she dosent want to be my lover , she said this, i have honestly fallen in love with her, but she said, she does not love me, that she likes me, but that she belives even our friendship is going to take time to really grow and she is right.

so, there are a lot of details , and we really are starting to get to eachother ...the one thing i am really afraid of, is her finding a new boyfriend, i am completely paranoid about this, because she said to me that yes i should be prepared for that, but its going to happen eventually and also that she likes to have sex, she enjoys it, but cant do that with me because i am too complicated. so, her and i havent been initmate for more than a year, when we see eachother we always have the best time. a few nights it seemed that it would just be ok for me to sleep with her in her place, but she has refused to do this, and i respect that and never put any pressure on her for that. its really confusing to me, because she has said, that she is interested in being my friend, that she needs her time to be with her friends and to make her life and i try to respect that, but lately, i never see her, and i send her some emails to invite her out, but for the last 2 months i have heard no a lot of times n,o. so, this was our last conversation on the phone, she said, that she likes me, she dosent want to lose me as a friend, but i need to give her space and be a friend to her, i agreed i would and told her that i wouldnt bother her that i would just wait for her to contact me when she felt that it would be a good time for us to see eachother.

in the meantime, i miss her, i am really paranoid that she is spending time with some other men to make a relationship, but, she told me she doses not have a boyfriend right now.

but, i get paranoid and think she is not telling me everything because she is afraid it will really hurt me or that i might judge her, which in my heart is not what i want to do. i promised her to be a friend, but she knows that i honestly love her very much, she said that she knows, and that its nice for her, but i need to not be so much on her, wanting to see her at every free moment that she might have, that i am making her afraid of me and well .... i do not want that ...and i am just looking for advice on what to do from this point. i am tempted to call her, but i have to stop myself,i am trying to concentrate on what i do with my life with art and music,and to find the patience she would appreciate from me, but i just keep making mistake after mistake, she is the most patient person i have ever met, because by now, i think i have given her every reason to say goodbye, but she hasnt . but if i continue to be crazy man, i think she will. i just want to live out the rest of my life with her in it, i am not being completley foolish that we will somehow mange to become together again, i reallise this is dangerous, but in my heart, it is what i want,i would be completley happy if she would be with me for the rest ofour lives, i want her to be the mother of my children, i want her like this, but she dosent want from me ....and i am confused as to what it is she does really want from me, even though she has been very clear to tell me what it is she wants, but i feel like i just cant manage my emotions enough or be mature enough to give her that, and its killing me inside, i am suffering because of my own actions and its like i just dont know how to manage myself ..... well ... i hope this gives you an idea about whats going on with me and the kind of help i am looking for, i hope to hear from somebody.

thank you very much for your time and i wish everyone all the best in love and life, if you have ever felt just a small little bit of what i have found with her, than indeed, your very fortunate person, i hope everyone experiences this kind of amazing love. it is not exactly as perfect as it was at one time, but in the moment i think of the look in her eyes, waking up in the morning, next to me, it was perfect.

i just want to give her what she wants from me, and i am looking for advice on how to do that, since i just dont know how

 
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Old 06-01-2010, 03:05 PM   #2
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Re: Lost and confused..... Still in love, do not know what to do

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovelostfound View Post
....and i am confused as to what it is she does really want from me, even though she has been very clear to tell me what it is she wants,

i just want to give her what she wants from me, and i am looking for advice on how to do that, since i just dont know how
You shouldn't be confused. As you even said, this woman has made it totally, completely, undeniably crystal clear what she wants-- to be platonic friends. You agreed to this with her. You say you respect it. However, other statements you made completely contradict that; jealously, paranoia, worry.The fact is that there was a 'verbal agreement' between you that you guys would be just friends. So that means if you really respect this woman, you will not try to be her boyfriend, make her change her mind, try to sleep with her, complain and whine to her that you want more, etc. Doing these things will only **** her off, because it's already been decided that you guys were going to only be friends. You can't make someone love you. It's sad that you're in love with her and she says she doesn't love you, but there is nothing, no magic potion, no remedy, no trick, no one-liner, and no clever witty statement you can say that will change that, that will make her change her mind.

Maybe I missed something, but it also seems that you already know what to do. You said that you were tempted to call her, but stopped yourself, and were concentrating on your art and music. Well, that's pretty much the steps a person takes to get over someone-- acknowledge that things are over with the person, no contact as to begin the healing process, and try to keep a busy schedule in their life by concentrating on other things. So it seems like you're already doing what you're supposed to be doing to get over her. The problem is you just don't want to. At this point though, you really have no choice, but to go along with what you agreed upon. If you attempt to 'undo' it, you might end up losing her altogether, even as a friend. She has informed you that she is actively looking for a boyfriend, hasn't found one, but is open to having a relationship with a new man if/when he comes along. She has also told you that she enjoys sex, so it's very likely that she and her future man will be having sex. I know, this thought is a stab to the heart, but you need to start preparing yourself for this. In all honesty, from what you've said, I really don't think you guys can be friends because I think a friendship with her will hurt you too much. In your current emotional state, I think being friends is a bad idea. You need to be working on getting over her. You've handled breakups before and survived, you will get over her and survive.

I have no idea why this woman doesn't want you, maybe the geographical distance, maybe she isn't ready to settle down, maybe that other girl in Paris, maybe personal incompatibility...there are literally thousands of reasons it might be. But the bottom line is that she's said she does NOT love you, and you must live up to your promise that you won't pursue her as anything else, but a friend.

Last edited by justkeeppraying; 06-01-2010 at 03:42 PM.

 
Old 06-01-2010, 03:12 PM   #3
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Re: Lost and confused..... Still in love, do not know what to do

I just want to also say that I'm sorry for your pain, I know what it's like to offer your heart to someone and they choose not to receive it. But they have a right to make that choice. Everyone does. You'll be okay even though you don't feel that way right now.

Blessings to you.

 
Old 06-01-2010, 04:01 PM   #4
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Re: Lost and confused..... Still in love, do not know what to do

Best thing would be "no contact". You cannot be her friend because that would mean seeing her with a new boyfriend when she gets one, seeing her kiss and hug another man, see them go up to her apartment together and turn off the lights...all the things that would feel like a punch to the stomach.

You should do as you are doing...don't call, pursue your art, and perhaps you will meet a nice lady artist who shares your interests. Good luck.
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Old 06-02-2010, 05:32 AM   #5
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Re: Lost and confused..... Still in love, do not know what to do

I don't have many things to add myself. I'm also sorry for your pain, but this something most living beings have to go through. Soon - I hope - you will begin to see the light at the end of this tunnel.

Leave her alone - this is the most obvious advice that can be given in this situation. Probably she is not even exactly who you think she is. If you had the chance to live with her for some time, you would find that out. Actually, it is almost impossible to find all the qualities you are looking for in one person, and in the same way you shouldn't think that you will be able to fulfill all the expectations of someone out there, if you see what I mean.

Concentrate on your career, keep dating, if depression or sadness hits you, try to find something to do, seek your friends. I think you will be all right in no time, no matter what kind of background (family) you had. Try to focus on your present and let all the possibilities unfold as they please.

 
Old 06-02-2010, 06:44 AM   #6
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Re: Lost and confused..... Still in love, do not know what to do

Thank you for taking the time to listen to my concerns by reading my story. It is very much appreciated that you actually take the time to respond, in the interest of helping me, because i really do need help.

I understand, that life can even be more difficult and much more devistating and tragic, than that which i am expressing. If anything at all, i should take into consideration, that i am in a situation where two people might be able to conquer odds above the norm, and actually end up on the positive side of a situation, where things are more likely to end up on a negative side, and for that, i should be grateful.

I guess the most difficult thing, and maybe i did not make it so clear, is how things are when we are together. she expresses herself towards me in an affectionate way sometimes, this confuses me. for instance, one evening, we met up at art exhibition, something that was interesting to us both. we had a good time, then after she invited me to go with her to meet some of her friends in a restaraunt, we passed time with them, and then we went out for drinks, we left them, i had some friends making music in a club, so we went there, that was ok, during the night, she said " the metro is not running anymore,are you worried about going back to your flat? " I said "no, i can take a taxi, its no problem. you do not have to worry about me." because where we were was very close to her place.anyway, we left the club and started to walk to the center of the area so i could hail a taxi, and she would walk home." while we were standing there, a couple of young drunk kids came up to us .... and offered me a rose, they said in french " for your girl, give her this , it will make her happy. " i just said ok, and gave her the rose ..... she looked at me, and hugged me and held me for a moment. then started crying ... " i am so sorry, i just can not invite you to sleep with me in my place right now. " i said "hey, its no problem, we are ok, do not be sad, because, i understand." then we held eachother for a moment, the taxi came, and when i went to get in, before i got in, ( its just normal to give your friends a kiss on the cheek if your french, and i have adapted to french culture, and its just normal for me to do this.) well, when i went to give her a see you later kiss, she didnt give me her cheek, but gave me her lips.

since then, nothing exactly so intense has happened, i am in the practice of when we do meet that i always offer her a bottle of wine, because its also a passion and interest we both share. and i think its just nice to make it a point to offer your friends a nice bottle when you see them, she also loves little toys, and i never go overboard or do anything extravagant, but i always offer her a little gift like this when i do see her, it always puts a smile on her face.

well, maybe i am just highlighting the things that are positives. what have i done that makes the situation as it is ...well, i am always letting her know when something interesting is happening and invite her, but she always refuses lately, she goes out with her friends but says no to me all the time.

well, one of the last things that happened lately, i was attacked and beaten over the head by an angry person in the street ..... i ended up in the hospital. one of my friends called her to let her know, after this happened to me, she called me, and told me that she was ****** off at me that my friend would call her, i did not ask him to do this. he just thought she should know. anyway, i think when something like this happened, she would be concerned about me, but it is weird, because after this happened, she really made it a point to let me know that this incident has put more distance between us.

since then, even though she is very interested in what i do with my music and art, and had an event in paris, she did not come to the event.

actually sent me a text message, said she had gone out the night before and was too tired to go out. naturally, i was disappointed , but oh well ...i understood,and after this happened, i just said, hey, no problem, i think maybe i am being too much on you so i will not bother to you,and if you feel like to see me, than great! but i wont keep trying so hard because it just seems like you have other things to do. she responded, "no , just be yourself, dont change what you do." and is the first time i asked her if she was getting involved with someone, and just did not have time for me. she said no. i said, hey look, its going to happen eventually,and even though i am very much love in love with you,dont be afraid to tell me if you are with someone. i just want us to be open and honest with you and i hope you can feel the same to be that way with me. she said ok, that we would see eachother later, that her weekend was full but during the week she would call.

well ...... something strange happened today, i always open my skype because i keep in touch with a lot of my friends this way, i noticed today she was also online, well, i sent her a quick, hi, and if her status is away or occupied, i never send her a message, but if she is open online, i know she likes to use skype, because its free and we both dont have to use our mobile phones and saves us money. but, she did not respond to my "hi" ..so then after an hour i had to leave the flat, so i just said, "ok, i gotta go out now, hope to hear from you later ...good day "

well, you can tell in skype if someone has read the message you sent or not,she read it, when she saw i was online, she didnt change her status, so i am really confused by that. but, i am just being paranoid, so i am shaking the feeling of being ignored.

one thing that is very important that i do understand about her is that she told me her story, before she moved to Berlin, she had a boyfriend whom she knew since she was young, they were together for a very long time, well, they went to university together as together, made art together, which i have seen and is really outstanding! she is really one of the most talented people i have ever met, in any case, when she moved to berlin after she finished school, he moved to marsailles, well , they had an agreement, that while they were apart, it was ok to see other people, just that they would let eachother know whats happened, well, she was doing a lot of drugs and partying, and slept with a few boys for fun. well, this made her boyfriend at the time, angry. so, she left berlin to go live with him in marsailles, well, things didnt work out and actually, when she arrived, she discovered that her boyfriend was together with her best friend, they had a circle of friends and her best friend turned on her, and convinced all of their friends that she was a bad person, so she lost all of her friends and they didnt want to see or talk to her anymore. this devistated her, and after marsailles, she moved to paris, she has been her since, and since then, has not had a relationship with anyone.

well, when we met, she said she really liked me, that usually, and her friends told me as well, that one night stands are usually the extent of what she does since she has been in paris, but, that meeting me was a sign, and she wanted to see me more, and actually, her best friends in the world actually live in berlin. well, its been quite a few years since she has been in berlin.

one of the things, is that also after this big break up she had ten years ago, she also lost an interest in her art, well, it just so happened that at the time i was organizing a huge art event in berlin, so i invited her, and i know this basically changed her life for the better. because it brought her back into her art, which she is actively doing even today, she was reunited with her friends and this resulted in a subsequent event that happens in germany later this summer in which she will particiapte, it makes me full of joy knowing that i helped her to achieve this. she wants to do things with me with art and music, she says its important for her. so, i include her with everything i am doing. but am i just being used, again, like i was in the past. am i being too much of a nice person, even though for me, in this day and age, i dont understand what that even means.

so, look, i know that typically, in this kind of situation, its usually just best to follow your advice.

but, I LOVE HER more than i can even express in words. and i have not been perfect, i have reacted to her at times when she was just being quiet towards me,like she is now, in a negative way, but one of the things i promised her, was that i would never react towards her like that ever again, and i do not, i have actually taken big strides to resolve the things that make me act strangely, for me, as well as for her. and the result seems to be that she is even less interested in me. so, i am confused at this point, i feel the strong need to make a decision and she has told me, if i choose to cut completely, and i know her well enough to know,if i ever said this, that there would be no turning back, that it would definitely be the end, she has told me she would understand why,she said she hopes i will not, but thinks maybe i am putting myself in too much of a pain situation by involving her in my life. that maybe it would be the best thing for me to do for myself.

so, i have a history and a story as well, and considering all the things that have happened in the past to me, i , unfortunately have no trust in women. but, i DO trust her, even though she is giving me the same signs as all the others who have hurt me in the past have done.

i am 38 years old, and i want a family. oh! one of the things that i thought was special, is that very soon after we met, one night when we were talking after making love, she told me that since 10 years she wants a baby, i never even considered this before now, but for some reason, when she told me this, at first i was, very afraid, i was lke, no, thats too much and too heavy for me right now, but i thought about it, and actually reallised, that 100 per cent honestly, if she wanted a baby, i would be willing to give her what she wants.

ok, i think i need some more advice here, because i feel like i am starting to lose motivation and my good spirit, i feel like i am becoming more synical again, and thinking the worst and that i am just a fool with a fools dream, but i want to fight these thoughts and these feelings .... i want true love to conquer this situation for the best ..... please, somebody help me out... am i being in denial, am i mentally ill, if anything is possible, than what would you do if you were me

i feel sick, i am not sleeping right, and when i wake up in the morning, i feel really bad, because my first thought is of her

am i being overly obsessive

what do i do

what do i do

i dont trust myself anymore to make the right decision

and i dont want to end thisin a bad way, is there any hope

am i just the product of my own fantasy,only wanting to feel what i want to feel, being selfish and not in reality

 
Old 06-02-2010, 07:06 AM   #7
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Re: Lost and confused..... Still in love, do not know what to do

wow this is a lot to read....LOL and I understand you are trying to explain as much as you can.....
but the one thing that really bothers me is how she treated you when she found out you were attacked and ended up in the hospital.
WHY on earth would she get mad at you?
This alone speaks volumes about her.....has she no compassion?

 
Old 06-02-2010, 07:27 AM   #8
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Re: Lost and confused..... Still in love, do not know what to do

I was also wonfering about that. How great could she possibly be if she would get mad at you for being the victim of a crime that sent you to the hospital? What's up with that?

 
Old 06-02-2010, 08:13 AM   #9
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Re: Lost and confused..... Still in love, do not know what to do

well, this what she explained to me, and to be honest with you, its really bothering me and confuses me.

she said, that she was called by my friend, at 7 a.m. in the morning, and it made her feel really in a bad mood to get a call like this.

i told her, that I DID not ask him to call her and he couldnt stay with me because he had to leave paris to go home, which is in the countryside and far away.

she said,well ....what do you say to him that would make him feel like to call me

he is a friend, he knows both of us, and he has often seen us together, and a lot of times, him and his girlfriend ask us both to join them.anyway, i have not gotten a clear answer from her, why she would feel ****** off that he called her.

i do not understand it either, i think it may have to do with the fact him and i wereout together,i invited her to join us,but she didnt.

she knows him and i were out drinking,so i think she thinks him and i were being stupid because we were out drinking, and she thinks that if i do something stupid when i drink, why is it she has to deal with it.

but, thats not what happened. i was a victim of someone who put violence on me

i dont understand it, and i think she understands now, and maybe feels a bit guilty about it. i told this to another friend of mine just last night, and she was really surprised to hear this as well ....

 
Old 06-02-2010, 08:17 AM   #10
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Re: Lost and confused..... Still in love, do not know what to do

what kind of self-centered person is she?
SHE felt upset to get a call at 7 am and it put her in a bad mood?
it's all about her, right?
what about you.....the victim of a violent attack?

 
Old 06-02-2010, 08:39 AM   #11
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Re: Lost and confused..... Still in love, do not know what to do

It seems like she finds you charming and interesting, but is not in "love" or have the same feelings you do, which is not your fault, its nothing you are not doing, she just plain doesnt have the same feelings. You may have to just let it go.

You sound like an intersting, loving person with a lot to offer the right woman. I think you will find her eventually. 38 is still young! Hang in there, you have a lot to offer and someone else will be lucky to have you and share the same affection and attention.

 
Old 06-02-2010, 09:08 AM   #12
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Re: Lost and confused..... Still in love, do not know what to do

after this experience, which isnt exactly finished, but i think will be soon, because i have to make a choice and decide what to do because i can not just leave it as it is.

that i just have to find the strength to believe in me and live out the rest of my life doing what i can do to make my life better and the world, as i reallise it around me, a better place

 
Old 06-02-2010, 12:39 PM   #13
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Re: Lost and confused..... Still in love, do not know what to do

Personally, if I were "your" girl, I would feel like I was being stalked. You can't let her go, you are obsessed with her. Some people don't like being the object of someone's intense desire. You may be just more than she can handle. If you have stalked her like you have written, I cn see where she is overwhelmed. She asks you to leave it alone and you text her, see her, Skype her...it's all too much!

Let it go, let her go and find your life, your real life. And I don't think it includes her. If it is to be, it will be. But you can't force someone to like, want, love you. It just doesn't work like that. Turn your back and start afresh and find someone that will take you for yourself and what you can offer.

Last edited by ibake&pray; 06-02-2010 at 12:40 PM.

 
Old 06-02-2010, 02:20 PM   #14
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Re: Lost and confused..... Still in love, do not know what to do

In an earlier post you said you had to make a decision, and things weren't exactly finished and that you couldn't leave it as it is... what do you mean by this statement? Did you mean you have to decide whether or not to continue being her friend?

Last edited by justkeeppraying; 06-04-2010 at 07:54 AM.

 
Old 06-02-2010, 03:08 PM   #15
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Re: Lost and confused..... Still in love, do not know what to do

well, actually, that was not a very well written statement to convey what i think is the best thing for me to do.

so, what i have decided to do, is just give her what i can, but not to try so hard anymore.

she offered her friendship and i accepted, so that is what i am going to do, i am going to be a friend to her and accept everything as it is.

i am originally from New York City, and in Paris until October, in October, I will be going back to Berlin. So, as far as she is concerned, the only thing I really want is to make the best of the time I am here. She said, the last time we spoke, that she will give me what she can, and i respect that.

I can only say, at this moment, I can see where I went wrong. I admit that, if I had just been different in some very important ways, things may have been different. So, I have learned a lesson, a hard lesson, because I honestly love her very much.

The one thing that is not being understood here, and maybe it is because I did not explain it very well, is that, I have spoken with her, and said to her, " I do not think I can do this anymore. " she asked " do what?" "continue to be your friend." she said "why? i did not say or do anything did i?" i said "no... but it just seems like your not interested in the kind of relationship i am offering as a friend. " she said "no, i am interested." then she said "what? is it because i am always saying no to you, when you ask to see me or do something with me?" I said, "yes." she said " look, i do not have so much energy, and i am trying to get myself back on my feet, and i need to start spending time with my friends and i hope you can respect that? " i said "yes, of course." she said " i know you love me and i know you care about me, but you need to take it easy with me." " i can give you what i can, but having to talk to you like this makes things complicated, and i dont want things to be complicated." so then we went back and forth .. i just expressed my honest feelings, and the conversation ended with me saying that i would ease off of her, and when the time came that she felt like to see me, that i looked forward to that .but i wouldnt send so much emails or call her to invite her to join me for anything.. she said .. " no, be yourself " then i was silent than she said " yeah, ok ....anyway, i want to invite you to my place to make you dinner, so we can share one of the bottles of wine you gave me." I said, "that sounds great ..so...good night and see you later."

she said good night , that was a week ago,

so, its that i am looking for help because, this is just a difficult situation for me to understand ..... i know its that i am driving myself crazy, and i know that this aspects of my personality are rooted in the trauma i experienced in my past, i am trying to change that in my thought process and my emotions, so i do not overreact or do something compulsive, that is really going to annoy her or push her away. i do not want to take her friendship the wrong way either, and give myself false hope because she is actually being very nice in some ways, although i think her and i really need to speak about why she reacted the way she did when she heard i was in the hospital from my friend.

she was away from paris, and just got back almost a month ago, i had something here at my flat that she wanted me to give her. so, she called me and asked if i could pass by her place, and drop it off, she had been home for a week, but was busy with some work since she was back, but just finished, i asked her, so, do you want to celebrate and do something tonight, she said, no, i have a dinner date with a friend, but if you could stop by and drop that off for me, i would appreciate it, i said, well, i would like to pass time with you, she said, its ok, for another day but she would appreciate it if i could come by, within like an hour ..so i went to her flat ....i gave her what she wanted, we had a cup of tea together, good vibes and energy, i brought some really cool flowers with me for her, she really liked, so we left her flat together and rode the metro together...we were actually headed in the same direction, her friends place was near where i had to be for a meeting ...anyway, my stop was before hers, and before i got off we hugged and kiss on the cheek, she said, hey , thanks very much for bringing that by for me ...i said no problem ....and before the door opened to let meout, i had my back to her .....and she took her hand and rubbed my back ..and said, i will call you later .... that was 5 weeks ago, and i havent seen her since, just on the phone, and she tells me no, everytime i ask her if she would like to do something ... one night there was a concert i emailed her about, that night she sent me an sms, saying she was going to go out with some friends, and where was the concert? i got the sms kind of late, because i was having dinner with my friends ..but when i tried to call that night, she didnt answer my sms or voicemail, because i wanted to see if she was going to goto the concert, i was going to go if she went, but didnt feel like going alone, so i just wanted to see if she was interested in going, i never heard back from her that night .....so, i didnt go ...a few day later i asked if she had gone to the concert, she said no, and that her and her friends just went out for some drinks and it was nothing special ......... since then, she hasnt accepted anything i have offered ..and well, this is why i am looking for help or maybe some insight on what i should do or handle this situation, because i am paranoid that she is avoiding me, and just saying things to avoid hurting my feelings ....but, this is the kind of thoughts and reacting to this kind of paranoia really ,made horrible experiences in the past, and i really want to see this through with her, because i dont want what has happened in the past, to happen with her, even if her and i are no longer lovers.

 
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