It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Relationship Health Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 06-02-2010, 10:44 AM   #1
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 11
Look2TheHorizon HB User
Ex girlfriend confusion?

Hey everybody,

I've been dealing with this for a while and can't seem to work out a solution. To start of I'm a 26 year old male whose relationship of nearly 3 years ended about 2 months ago. She broke it off but still wanted to "be friends and see where that went." She said that if we could be friends then our issues may go away (I get very concerned that she wants other guys). There had been a few instnaces in which she would do something with other guys that I was uncomfortable with and she would hide it or act like it shouldn't matter when it really hurt me and made me second-guess us. She had almost gone out with a guy not realizing he was asking her on a date, hung out with her ex behind my back, and kinda just started giving out her number to guys not really telling them that she was in a committed relationship. I guess this may be beside the point as I was worried about that happening before she did anything and now we are not a couple so I have no right to be upset.

Still, her notion of us being "friends" was basically just not talking to me until she wanted to come see me (every week or 2). Then when we would hang out it was just like being a couple again. We would do the same things, spend the night together and have a great time. Recently I have expressed that this is REALLY hard on me as I still want to be a couple. I think this is pushing her away and she didn't even know what she wanted prior to this. Should I just be able to "deal with it" better or what? I can't get her out of my mind and I really feel like I want her forever... I've had other long-term relationships but I definitely love this girl the most.

Does anybody think I should just end all contact or force her to choose? I know she will choose to not be together but then maybe I could get closure or something? I really don't want to do anything to drive her out of my life but I also just want her to be my girlfriend, happy together forever...

I started seeng a psychologist (right when we broke up) to help with my constant worry/anxiety over her wanting other guys. This has worked somewhat to where if I start to really "freak out" I can calm myself down but the constant sadness and worry are really the worst part... I might go see if I should get on medicaiton for this but I just don't know what to do.

Any insight, advise, tips, or anything would be GREATLY appreciated. I'm so scared that this relationship is over and that is the last thing in the world I want eventhough it may be the healthiest option... :/

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 06-02-2010, 10:48 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,296
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: Ex girlfriend confusion?

yes I'd end all contact.....she's using you as a booty call when it suits her.....
what about your feelings? show her you're not going to tolerate that....if she wants to be a couple again, you're open to it, but you're not willing to be her boy-toy.

 
Old 06-02-2010, 11:04 AM   #3
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
River rocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Riverside
Posts: 506
River rocks HB User
Re: Ex girlfriend confusion?

What was her reason for breaking things off? Was it sudden or did you see the end coming? Were you both committed for all three years?

 
Old 06-02-2010, 11:12 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 969
justmel30 HB User
Re: Ex girlfriend confusion?

I think I would move on. Your fun one night, and bob is fun the next, then jim the next, then hanging out with the girls the next, then the ex the next, then tony the next.......see where I'm going with this? Find someone who appreciates you, and who wants to be with you. It will serve you much better I think........not to mention the possibility of std's with all that jumping around! YIKES!

 
Old 06-02-2010, 11:56 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: California
Posts: 2,095
Redneon82 HB User
Re: Ex girlfriend confusion?

I'd like to find whoever it was that came up the the notion of "closure" and throw them off a cliff...

The fact is, there is no magic combination of words or deeds that will make a dumpee say "oh, I get it! I'm totally fine and healed from the whole thing and now I can go on with my life, happy and content, and never, ever feel sadness, regret or heartbreak over our breakup ever again!" It is a complete fallacy...no matter what she says or does, you still want to be with her as a committed couple and she doesn't. Period.

I know you fear having her out of your life completely, but here's how I see it: you have two choices. #1 - Cut off all contact because it hurts you terribly to only have a night with her every 2 weeks or so while knowing about all the other nights she's spending with other guys..or #2, which is continue as you are, knowing how many nights she's hanging out with other guys and be 100%, HONESTLY, TRULY OK WITH IT. If you're not 100% honestly, truly ok with it, then option #2 will do nothing but bring you jealousy and pain, PLUS it will prolong the heartbreak and misery. At least with option #1 you have the chance to heal and maybe even meet another wonderful girl who wants to be with you and only you.
__________________
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong

 
Old 06-02-2010, 02:18 PM   #6
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 11
Look2TheHorizon HB User
Re: Ex girlfriend confusion?

Quote:
Originally Posted by River rocks View Post
What was her reason for breaking things off? Was it sudden or did you see the end coming? Were you both committed for all three years?
We had a "break" earlier this year for about a month with no contact. So there were some signs that not everything was going perfectly... I feel that her biggest concern is feeling like she can't "do whatever she wants." Like going to her ex's house she had no problem with because he is friends with her friends or whatever but I still was upset by it. She has a fear of being controlled (because her ex was extremely controlling having to know what she wore out every night and things) but I don't think I'm too controlling of a person... I definitely have some insecurity with her giving her number out to guys and not being extremely up front with them about having a boyfriend. She is a gorgeous girl (modeled for Elite) and I know everyone knows that but she NEVER thinks anyone wants to get with her, and even if they do she just shrugs it off saying "they just think I'm hot." Its fine if anyone thinks she is attractive but if she gives her number to that guy what is his motivation? In my mind it is to sleep with her but she doesn't see it that way. Like if they were to ask her to a party at 1:30 am or have her come places with just them she would not think its odd. I would say they are trying to get with her and that by chatting with them all the time she is leading them on a bit. She doesn't see it as "flirty" or whatever but when a guy was like "lets go to dinner on Sunday" she said "where," he said he had a place picked out she said "ok " then when it came up that it was a date she said "I'm not technically single, so dinner is probably not the best idea right now... Do you hate me " I'm not sure if this should mean something to me or whatever because she says she corrected this, I just still worry about it and what she is doing when I don't catch her. I really don't think that she would have sex with anyone else but I don't like guys thinking they have a chance with her because she is not forward that she has a boyfriend or that nothing is going to happen with them.

Sorry for this rambling reply... I just have so much to say about it with SO much emotion behind it. I know she can't control what other guy's think but she can control her actions and how they percieve her...

Last edited by Look2TheHorizon; 06-02-2010 at 02:21 PM.

 
Old 06-02-2010, 02:28 PM   #7
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,296
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: Ex girlfriend confusion?

sounds like she wants to be single......

I'd let her be single if I were you......

 
Old 06-02-2010, 02:52 PM   #8
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 122
justkeeppraying HB User
Re: Ex girlfriend confusion?

So she gives her number out to other men, isn't upfront with them about having a boyfriend, and was hanging out with her ex behind your back...

that would be enough for me to walk away and never look back.

 
Old 06-02-2010, 03:01 PM   #9
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 122
justkeeppraying HB User
Re: Ex girlfriend confusion?

Also, why does she think these guys want her number (since she 'claims' it's not to sleep with her)? What does she think, that these guys want a chess partner?!

Also, her choice of words are a big red flag if you ask me: "I'm not technically single". WTH!!! What does that mean, it's like she's implying that you guys are about to break up! Why can't she just say "I have a boyfriend". It's the same number of words, rolls just as easily off the tongue.

And "dinner probably isn't a good idea RIGHT NOW." What, so later on it will be a great idea?

I get a really bad vibe about this girl...

Last edited by justkeeppraying; 06-02-2010 at 03:19 PM.

 
Old 06-02-2010, 03:29 PM   #10
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 11
Look2TheHorizon HB User
Re: Ex girlfriend confusion?

Quote:
Originally Posted by justkeeppraying View Post
Also, why does she think these guys want her number (since she 'claims' it's not to sleep with her)? What does she think, that these guys want a chess partner?!
This is what I don't get and what I fear so much. She goes to a smaller college (only about 4000 total people, and 75% of them are guys) so she says she is going to have to have "guy friends." I can understand "guy friends" and she says (before we broke up) that she was making sure she was more apparent that she had a boyfriend. Everyone makes mistakes but I just haven't been able to let these go. I feel like I obsess over them and then make it worse on her because I'm more stressed out that she is going to do something with other guys which, in turn, makes her feel controlled.

I always defend her actions even though they have hurt me. I guess I really trust that she deosn't actually want someone else, I just don't feel like she portrays that always. Still, it seems like such a fixable thing that it wouldn't make sense to break-up over. This is why I started seeing a psychologist, just to see if he could get me to calm down or have better thoughts (telling myself that she does not want other guys or whatever) but it obviously has not corrected our relationship.

I don't know.... I really appreciate the responses though It makes me feel like I have a right to be upset (eventhough I don't know how to "fix it" so we don't stay broken up). I hate this situation right now and I just want things to be "the way they used to be" eventhough I know she needs things to change... idk...

Her choice of words was a BIG deal to me too. She said that this guy was just "shy" and she wanted to be nice... She claims that everyone already thinks she's a "*****" but I have never gotten that vibe... Maybe because we have very similar personalities but I never understood it. She admitted to "messing up" with this situation but also said the guy turned out to be a psycho? I don't get it... But still I want her back... Maybe I'm the psycho?

Last edited by Look2TheHorizon; 06-02-2010 at 03:37 PM.

 
Old 06-02-2010, 03:49 PM   #11
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Kszan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 4,943
Kszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB UserKszan HB User
Re: Ex girlfriend confusion?

She sounds like she is either totally naÔve if she thinks these random guys that keep getting her number don't want to sleep with her OR she is just a master manipulator and she is totally snowing you into thinking she is all innocent when she really isn't.

Either way, she sounds like kind of a loser and I don't understand why you're so hung up on a girl who is so torally clueless or such a manipulator. Either option makes her look like an idiot and that means you can do A LOT better than her.

 
Old 06-02-2010, 06:19 PM   #12
Senior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Posts: 122
justkeeppraying HB User
Re: Ex girlfriend confusion?

No, you're not a 'psycho'. The reason you never have gotten a bad "vibe" about her is because your head is clouded with emotion. You have all these outsiders here telling you something is WAY OFF and on her end there are people supposedly calling her a "B". Not a coincidence. You''re just not seeing things clearly in that way because you care so much for her.

Another thing, if this guy is such a "psycho" as she claims, then why in the world did she originally say "OK" to going out to this place with him (before she 'corrected' herself afterwards)?

I'm sorry, but this isn't adding up to me on her end...

 
Old 06-02-2010, 08:38 PM   #13
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 11
Look2TheHorizon HB User
Re: Ex girlfriend confusion?

Quote:
Originally Posted by justkeeppraying View Post
No, you're not a 'psycho'. The reason you never have gotten a bad "vibe" about her is because your head is clouded with emotion. You have all these outsiders here telling you something is WAY OFF and on her end there are people supposedly calling her a "B". Not a coincidence. You''re just not seeing things clearly in that way because you care so much for her.

Another thing, if this guy is such a "psycho" as she claims, then why in the world did she originally say "OK" to going out to this place with him (before she 'corrected' herself afterwards)?

I'm sorry, but this isn't adding up to me on her end...
She explains it that he seemed really shy (talked to her in class a few times) and that they had gone to things together as a group before with other friends. After she "corrected" her near 1-on-1 date with him I guess he wouldn't let it go and then told his friends (he plays football at the school they attend) to persuade her to go out with him too. It doesn't make much sense to me either but I only have her word to go on. She is friends with most of the guys on the football team there so I guess she just thought he would be the same, but there was at least one other guy on the football team who was interested in her (took her phone and put his number in her "fav 5") after she already had his number. I think she just wants to be "friendly" or whatever but doesn't know when to tell guys to kick rocks or make them know she is not going to do something with them. I also think that her friends getting more numbers and being popular with the guys (because they don't have boyfriends) made her feel bad somehow. It wouldn't bother me but she was annoyed that one friend would always get said "hi" to and invited more places than her.

I don't know... It's odd that it seems like every other girl (mostly female replies on this board) can see this but she can't. Maybe I'm explaining it in an "unfriendly" light or something because of how it made me feel but I just don't get it. I think that it may just be (like another post suggested) that she is naive. She is still in undergrad and its always like she goes out of her way to try to be nice to (or please) everyone. She does this little with me as I think she knows I love her unconditionally. She has issues with true friends and what everyone wants her to do (generally not have a boyfriend so they can go out and meet guys or whatever) but I feel like if you love someone you would not need that attention from the other sex... I know I don't because I have (had) someone and I didn't need other girls to fawn over me or be my "friend" if it was sexual or anything in any way.

Maybe I'm too cautious with people but I don't know how to change that and simply always have faith that everyone with respect my relationship even if I act like I didn't really care about it...

Last edited by Look2TheHorizon; 06-02-2010 at 08:40 PM.

 
Old 06-02-2010, 09:52 PM   #14
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 969
justmel30 HB User
Re: Ex girlfriend confusion?

Nobody is that naive. I mean honestly......NOBODY! I'm sure you wish that were it. The reason why everyone esle can see it and she can't, isn't because she really can't. She's feeding you a line, and the sooner you recognize it, the better. You said before she didn't want to be controlled. In otherwords, she doesn't want to have to commit. I think she enjoys spending a night with you here and there, but nothing more. And I think she feeds you a bunch of b.s. in the meanwhile to keep you around. How's that working for you? It's never going to change unless you change it, and since you can only change yourself, your only options are to accept it, or move on. Good luck.
Melissa

Last edited by justmel30; 06-03-2010 at 07:18 AM.

 
Old 06-03-2010, 12:10 AM   #15
Junior Member
(male)
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 11
Look2TheHorizon HB User
Re: Ex girlfriend confusion?

Quote:
Originally Posted by justmel30 View Post
Nobody is that naive. I mean honestly......NOBODY! I'm sure you wish that were it. The reason why everyone esle can see it and she can't, isn't because she really can't. She's feeding you a line, and the sooner you recognize it, the better. You said before she didn't want to be controlled. In otherwords, she doesn't want to have to commit. I think she enjoys spending a night with you here and there, but nothing more. And I think she feeds you a bunch of b.s. in the meanwhile to keep you around. How's that working for you? It's never going to change unless you change it, and since you can only change other people, your only options are to accept it, or move on. Good luck.
Melissa
I agree (eventhough I don't want to as it breaks my heart). I think you are right about her just liking me for a night a week or whatever as I can be there for her to calm her, make her happy, and be a stable/reliable piece of her life. I'm starting to feel used and since I've brought that up she is more like "I just don't know if we will work out." She still texts me (right now for example) and says that the reason I'm trying is because I'm scared. This may well be true but at least it confirms my belief that I care so much about her. At the same point it keeps me attached to her when I should probably just "move on." I guess if I felt I knew how to do that I would. But, like in my last relationship, I feel like I'll remain attached until she moves on. In my last relationship I held on until the girl told me she was dating someone else (that time we were together for 5 years and I was still scared she wanted someone else when we were together but it was less visible). It makes me feel like such a "weakling" or a baby or something but I always want to have a girlfriend... Maybe moving away for a while and being out on my own would help? I just graduated from grad school so I'm looking for jobs and it would be an easy time to find a new place as I no longer have any attachments here. Still, even right now, I'm coming up with reasons that we should get back together and ways it will work out. I wish there was a way to just shut my brain off or something so I didn't convince myself that things will be back the way they were all the time. Ugh! I annoy myself...

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Girlfriend and Rape floridasfinest Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill 23 09-11-2011 09:36 PM
Girlfriend completely changes on me 400ex Relationship Health 23 10-16-2009 10:22 AM
UTI causing confusion? dogologist Aging Issues 6 11-06-2007 06:25 PM
how dO I KNOW IF MY ex girlfriend is confused eric24 Relationship Health 17 10-26-2007 11:58 AM
Dreaming about an ex girlfriend...what does it mean???? ken40 Relationship Health 5 10-25-2006 03:09 PM

Tags
anxiety in relationships, relationship, relationship over, sad, worry



Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Kszan (270), rosequartz (251), pendulum (172), Larrylou'smom (164), Seraph (155), cryingforever (132), CadenceA (131), lenvegas (94), writeleft (83), Ely4 (62)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1162), MSJayhawk (992), Apollo123 (890), Titchou (827), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (757), ladybud (744), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:49 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!