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Old 06-03-2010, 06:14 AM   #1
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Important discussions to have with a potential mate

Hey Guys,

It's been a good minute. I finally got rid of my needy clingy ex. I have completely started over fresh.

Anyways, I started using this online dating site and I found someone. He seems genuine and great. Well we have been talking for some time now and finally decided to meet this weekend. My questions is... what should we talk about? I mean there were a lot of things I failed to address/discuss with a potential mate. I have finally learned that its important to have boundaries and making sure you address these matters upfront.

One of the things I plan on discussing is opposite sex friendships - I am not a big fan of that. If we are NOT exclusive then it does not matter but IF WE DO get exclusive... IF WE EVER GET TO THAT POINT, all that potential lingering drama needs to go. That is just something I cannot accept. I am not a fan of stripclubs. I am not okay with that bec again it creates potential problems. I dont like the idea of my man getting a lap dance, getting talked into getting a lap dance, etc. Its great if other women are completely okay with that but I am not. There is nothing comforting about the thought of a woman grinding herself all up and down my man getting himself all worked up. ANYWAYS, I dont plan on having all these discussions IN ONE DAY obviously.... but I just wanted to get advice.

We have discussed religious beliefs, having children, parenting, eating habits... in your opinion, what are other important things that should be addressed? We did discuss our values... we both value are family so much. A little different on the financial side of things...

I just want to be upfront about all my expectations and all the things I want. I want to know how he feels that way there is no confusion and he knows how I feel about these matters.

Any Ideas?

 
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Old 06-03-2010, 07:03 AM   #2
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Re: Important discussions to have with a potential mate

This is new territory for me.....I've never dealt with the online dating thing. But since the two of you have allready been talking, and since you have allready talked about issues such as kids, I would imagine that alot of other big topic items are allready out on the table as well. I think I would try to just keep this first date fun. It's still a first date, and if you make it toooooooooooooo serious, it might be a real turn off. Save the more serious topics for a little bit later time and just have fun with it.

 
Old 06-03-2010, 07:20 AM   #3
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Re: Important discussions to have with a potential mate

slow down a little.....I agree that these things are important, but meet the guy first....you might not even be attracted to him and all this worrying was for nothing.

 
Old 06-03-2010, 08:50 AM   #4
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Re: Important discussions to have with a potential mate

I agree that you should keep it light and friendly for the first meeting and even the first few dates if this proceeds. Otherwise it seems like and interview and you both can be put off.

These topics and others related to a potential long-term relationship will slowly come up as a relationship progresses. I do want to caution you, from bitter experience unfortunately, that even though you "discuss" these things with a man, it does NOT mean he takes it to heart and agrees with you. You need to guard your heart and give a relationship MONTHS before you let yourself fall in love. People (male or female) will very often tell the other person what they think they want to hear, will agree with what you say, etc. but deep in their hearts may not believe the same way. That then leads to sneaking, lying, etc. You need to talk about your needs, wants, beliefs, of course, but you also need to watch actions, learn to trust someone with your heart slowly.

Again, people can and will say anything, but actions over time will show you their true self. So don't go too fast, don't bring up big relationship topics early on, and just go with the flow learning whether you like him enough to continue dating, and if so, then slowly learning his character including all flaws. To really know someone you need to know them during the good AND the bad, including fights, illnesses, family issues, pet issues, all the things that can show you their beliefs and the way they treat others. Good luck!!

 
Old 06-03-2010, 10:45 AM   #5
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Post Re: Important discussions to have with a potential mate

I pretty much agree with the others. Keep the first face to face date light and fun. You should have plenty of time to get to know him better and get those important issues discussed.
Obviously, you would want to talk about this stuff before getting serious, and most likely before getting intimate. Have a good time, and if the stuff comes up naturally that is great. I think it will in time.

And don't forget to get back her and update us after the face to face!

 
Old 06-03-2010, 11:13 AM   #6
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Re: Important discussions to have with a potential mate

I must confess, the online dating thing to me would be like an arranged marriage. How in the world would you know if you are chemically and sexually attracted to someone that you have never met? Meeting someone on the "Bachelor" seems like more of a long term realtionship. I don't see how you can be serious about discussing these things with a complete stranger. Not to mention, the whole thing seems dangerous and you could find yourself in a freezer somewhere. Or in a very awkward situation with someone you decide you don't like. Where's the fun in the romancing and flirting if it's already been decided what the outcome is?

If you just broke up with someone minutes ago, don't you think you should slow down a little? And don't just "pick a number" to date someone else. That's what it seems that online dating is like to me. My opinion, of course, it just seems unnatural to me.

 
Old 06-03-2010, 11:36 AM   #7
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Re: Important discussions to have with a potential mate

I am a big fan of online dating. Here's why.

One- you put up a realistic (RECENT) picture of you. If they aren't attracted, they don't answer your ad. No hurt feelings by being rejected on the first date when they realize you don't look like they thought you would (or vice versa). I think a good close up face shot and one full body or at least from the waist up shot are necessary to give someone a good idea of your physical attributes so that they can decide if they are physically attracted.

Two- You put in the ad EXACTLY what you are looking for. And I mean, exactly. If you won't date a smoker or someone with a cat or someone who does drugs, say so. If you really want a guy who will go jogging with you or who likes hiking, say so. Can't stand sports on tv? Say so. Are you a bit of a slob? Say so. Neat freak? Say so. Put as much information out there as you can to get the best match.

The beauty of the online dating thing is you can weed people out that you would ultimately have no interest in anyway, and they can weed you out, too. The people who do answer your ad are ones who are most likely to be compatible with you anyway, assuming you've been honest not only in your ad but to yourself about what you really want.

 
Old 06-03-2010, 12:57 PM   #8
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Re: Important discussions to have with a potential mate

[QUOTE=goingdaffy;4258639]I must confess, the online dating thing to me would be like an arranged marriage. How in the world would you know if you are chemically and sexually attracted to someone that you have never met? QUOTE]

I agree with Eagle - online dating is not much different than a blind date except that you got to talk to the person some before. You should never talk to the online person for a long time, or in great emotional detail, as you then set yourself up for a fantasy which will not be met when you meet. But you can meet lots of great people online, as long as you use your common sense and good discretion, of course. You can just as easily end up in a freezer with a long-term abusive boyfriend as you can meeting someone new! Just use your common sense, meet in a public place, etc.

I met my husband online, and before that had dated a few toads. It can be done successfully. Just remember that nothing, no amount of e-mail, text or phone conversation, will ever replace face-to-face interactions. People act differently when they are in a face-to-face situation than they do when the don't "see" the person they are talking to. Plus you then have the opportunity to watch their expressions, read their actions, check their honesty, etc. Go for it! But take your time!!!

 
Old 06-03-2010, 01:12 PM   #9
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Re: Important discussions to have with a potential mate

I think online dating can work. As it was already said, you don't have to meet up with or even respond to someone who list things that are "deal-breakers" for you. For example, I have on my profile that I don't want any more kids, and that I am looking for men between the ages of 38 and 52 who are 5'9" to 6'3". So I didn't bother responding to the 28 year old who said he wanted to "build a wonderful family with lots of children" with me, or the guy who was 66 years old and 5'1". If they can't even read my profile I don't want to meet them, plus I will have the opportunity to respond to men who share my interests and goals in life.

I too think the first date should be something fun. No heavy relationship talk (from either of you!), just a nice "getting to know you" conversation. Later on, you can find out if he also hates strip clubs and whatever else is important to you. And, have fun!
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Old 06-03-2010, 03:01 PM   #10
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Re: Important discussions to have with a potential mate

removed


Idris, I agree you really need to take things much more slowly. I did the online dating thing for 10 years, and it really doesn't matter how wonderful you thing someone is online, or how wonderful they seem to think you are, you never really know until you meet them face to face. The first face to face meeting should be fun and light, just to see if you two can laugh together and have a chemistry. All that stuff about ex girlfriends and strip clubs, world view and values, etc. that's what dating is for. There is time to get to all that stuff. The first date is just to see if there's an in-person attraction and to get to know them face to face a little bit. Don't get ahead of yourself.

Last edited by Administrator; 06-03-2010 at 04:42 PM. Reason: inappropriate

 
Old 06-04-2010, 11:41 AM   #11
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Re: Important discussions to have with a potential mate

Hey Guys!!!!

Thank you so much for all your responses. They were both funny and insightful. You are right, I guess I was getting carried away there. I needed the reality check, so thank you

We finally meet tomorrow. We are meeting up at this outlet mall in NC. I am excited. I have never done online dating before. I must admit I was quite skeptical of the whole thing. I always had this ignorant notion that only losers who cant find real men (or women) settle for online dating! But I absolutely agree with both Eagle and BigRed. It weeds people out. I dont want to date smokers, drinkers, habitual (or occasional) drug users, men with kids, etc. Online dating makes finding someone easier. If you dont like the person trying to chat with you or matched with you... there is no rejection and no hard feelings. I absolutely agree.

I guess I feel alittle nervous. I have never used online dating and this is the first meeting. Its a little intimidating...

But thank you! I will let you guys know how it goes!

I shall keep it small talk! LOL

 
Old 06-04-2010, 12:10 PM   #12
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Re: Important discussions to have with a potential mate

sounds good!
As someone who's done online dating quite a bit off and on, I just want to tell you that it's good to go in with no expectations, and meet quicker (if you think they sound like a good match), rather than drag it out longer talking on the phone, building up expectations. I can't tell you how many times when I was new at online dating that I would talk to someone for a while and really feel like "this could be the one", only to be disappointed! So, go in with an open mind, and minimal expectations, except maybe that you've met a new person who could even end up being a friend.
be safe, have fun and report back to us!!
LOL

 
Old 06-04-2010, 12:14 PM   #13
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Re: Important discussions to have with a potential mate

Yeah that's the sort of things you learn on dates and talking and I agree all those things you mentioned on your first post are very important. So like if on your first date old "Keith" starts telling you all about "Dolly" and how they do everything together and how she used to be his GF but things just didn't work out but he wants you all to be the best of friends too...RUN FOR THE HILLS! HAHAHA!
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Last edited by xpcandy; 06-04-2010 at 12:16 PM.

 
Old 06-04-2010, 01:02 PM   #14
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Re: Important discussions to have with a potential mate

Well something came up. For whatever reason, his parents decided they want to visit his school tomorrow. And he was truly apologetic. I think there was a mix up on dates I guess. So I dunno... He apologized and asked if we could move it to Sunday but its my gran dad's bday so that will not work. We moved it to June 12... So we will see then!

 
Old 06-05-2010, 05:52 AM   #15
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Re: Important discussions to have with a potential mate

Quote:
Originally Posted by Idris View Post
Hey Guys,

It's been a good minute. I finally got rid of my needy clingy ex. I have completely started over fresh.

Anyways, I started using this online dating site and I found someone. He seems genuine and great. Well we have been talking for some time now and finally decided to meet this weekend. My questions is... what should we talk about? I mean there were a lot of things I failed to address/discuss with a potential mate. I have finally learned that its important to have boundaries and making sure you address these matters upfront.

One of the things I plan on discussing is opposite sex friendships - I am not a big fan of that. If we are NOT exclusive then it does not matter but IF WE DO get exclusive... IF WE EVER GET TO THAT POINT, all that potential lingering drama needs to go. That is just something I cannot accept. I am not a fan of stripclubs. I am not okay with that bec again it creates potential problems. I dont like the idea of my man getting a lap dance, getting talked into getting a lap dance, etc. Its great if other women are completely okay with that but I am not. There is nothing comforting about the thought of a woman grinding herself all up and down my man getting himself all worked up. ANYWAYS, I dont plan on having all these discussions IN ONE DAY obviously.... but I just wanted to get advice.

We have discussed religious beliefs, having children, parenting, eating habits... in your opinion, what are other important things that should be addressed? We did discuss our values... we both value are family so much. A little different on the financial side of things...

I just want to be upfront about all my expectations and all the things I want. I want to know how he feels that way there is no confusion and he knows how I feel about these matters.

Any Ideas?
Talk is just that, "TALK". In the long run it won't help you to really know what this guy is really going to be like.Since your just dating or trying to develop a relationship,he's going to say whatever he thinks you want to hear to impress you to score with you.Unfortunately the only way to really get to know him is through time, lots of time, unless he happens to be a real jerk.

 
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