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Old 06-03-2010, 03:37 PM   #1
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roran1234 HB User
This girl

Before she got into anything with anyone she told me "i'm messed up"

She likes a guy, then the guy tells her she likes her, then she becomes repulsed by the guy, everytime. This isn't normal is it? I mean if it was I wouldn't be asking.

Not only this but now the mess has hit the fan she has become emotionally dead, she says she feels no emotion, this can't be normal either.

I care about this girl alot, and I need to know what is wrong in order to help.

Any ideas?

Thanks,
Roran.

Last edited by roran1234; 06-03-2010 at 04:17 PM. Reason: please use language appropriate to our community

 
Old 06-03-2010, 03:44 PM   #2
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Re: This girl

You probably can't help. She has to want to help herself and be actively getting that help. Is she getting help? Lots of help?

If not...you know the old saying that you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink? If she won't help herself, then you can't help her either.

Just reality.

Jenny

PS...I know because I used to be her.

 
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Old 06-03-2010, 04:16 PM   #3
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Re: This girl

She said "only me can help me"

She also agreed to talk about it at a later date which has been set.

What do you mean by getting help?

I hope you don't mind me asking but, how did you get over it?

 
Old 06-03-2010, 04:49 PM   #4
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Re: This girl

Sounds like she may have some kind of sexual abuse in her background, and if that's the case, then yes, she needs to get help. Professional psychiatric help. She needs to see a therapist and start talking it out and deal with whatever issues she's struggling with.

 
Old 06-03-2010, 06:13 PM   #5
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Re: This girl

It had crossed my mind to be honest, though when I did kiss her she didn't freak out or anything.

Her father did die when she was around 9 or 11, she's just turned 18.

I don't know what to say, except that I really want to deal with this without professional help, any advise?

 
Old 06-03-2010, 06:16 PM   #6
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Re: This girl

Quote:
Originally Posted by roran1234 View Post
It had crossed my mind to be honest, though when I did kiss her she didn't freak out or anything.

Her father did die when she was around 9 or 11, she's just turned 18.

I don't know what to say, except that I really want to deal with this without professional help, any advise?
Are you asking how you can fix her?
__________________
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong

 
Old 06-03-2010, 06:21 PM   #7
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Re: This girl

Quote:
Originally Posted by roran1234 View Post
It had crossed my mind to be honest, though when I did kiss her she didn't freak out or anything.

Her father did die when she was around 9 or 11, she's just turned 18.

I don't know what to say, except that I really want to deal with this without professional help, any advise?
Well, the thing is, it's not up to YOU to deal with it at all. It's up to her to deal with and up to you to support any positive, effective efforts she may choose in dealing with it. If she wants professional help, then she should get it, and it's up to you to support her in that. Feeling emotionally dead can be an indicator of pretty serious problems. She really should get professional help. That is what I would suggest and advise.

You can't be her savior. It's not up to you to save or fix her, that's up to her. She has to do it for herself, not for you or for anyone else. I'm wondering why you seem so dead set on being the one to "save" her. What do you think you will get out of the deal?

Just because she didn't freak out when you kissed her doesn't mean she doesn't have deep seated issues. It can stay repressed and then come out all of a sudden unpredictably.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 06-03-2010 at 06:24 PM.

 
Old 06-03-2010, 06:59 PM   #8
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Re: This girl

The only way that permanent change will occur within an individual's life is if that person themselves decides they want to make that change. All of the outside influences in the entire universe will never make that a reality, ever, regardless of who they are or what they try to do.

What makes you think you have the capacity to fix this? It has already been mentioned,that it's not up to YOU to do anything about it. It's not YOUR situation.

This is no different than if she was strung out on heroin or something. There would be absolutely nothing you could do to fix that, either.

You're not her. You're just some guy who is in her life at the moment. SHE is the one who is living with this, SHE is the one who HAS to be the one to fix it, if she even wants to. It doesn't sound like she wants to, so there's even less you can do about it.

You have no role in this at all except to support her if or when she decides to do something about it.

 
Old 06-04-2010, 07:02 AM   #9
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Re: This girl

It's admirable that you want to help this girl - it indicates you are a caring and helpful person. However, as others have told you, the only way you can help her is to get her to go to therapy.

I won't repeat what others have said, but it is good advice. What I will say to you is, think about some time in the future. How would you feel if you decide to go against advice and take on this "project". Spend time with her trying to "fix" her. Say she maybe seems to show progress, seems to get better with you. Then the inevitable happens and she gets worse. She could have any number of conditions, including prior abuse, bipolar, depression, etc. etc. You do not have the training to diagnose and treat.

How do you think you would feel when you realized she wasted valuable time and effort, could have been receiving professional help and gotten better. Worse case scenario: how would you feel if she attempted suicide?

This girl needs to get help, and she needs to WANT to make changes in her life, to face whatever the issue is and deal with it. No one, not her parents, sisters, brothers, cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents or friends, can make her get better. I think everyone here agrees that we'd like to see her get help and get better, but that none of us believe that you are trained to give her the help she needs.

Good luck and I hope you convince her to seek help.

 
Old 06-04-2010, 09:30 AM   #10
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Re: This girl

Sounds like you're in love with her? or you think you are...

 
Old 06-05-2010, 11:25 AM   #11
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Re: This girl

Quote:
Originally Posted by 00lady00 View Post
Sounds like you're in love with her? or you think you are...
I'm not in love with her, I just want her to be happy.

I didn't think I could do it, but I had to ask. The advise given is the truth, the truth sucks a little huh?

One last question, is it common, or uncommon?

Thanks,
roran

 
Old 06-05-2010, 12:48 PM   #12
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Re: This girl

Maybe she just likes the challenge of getting a guy to like her and once that game is over and things start to become more real/settled/clear she freaks out, she probably has some kind of childhood issue, but can you help? no, lol, she will eventually figure it out, there are reasons for the way we behave, but that can't be changed, in time she may come to understand what she wants in a person and may find someone that she actually wants to pursue a relationship with.

perhaps if she went to see a therapist about it he could make her see all of this stuff, I have a few behavioral issues myself and although the therapist has helped me see where this behavior comes from, it isn't enough to change it, and it's a day to day struggle for change, but awareness is key. You could suggest that she see a therapis, but that's all that you could really do.

 
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