Thank you for reading my story. I canít talk to friends or family about this. I am getting married in a month, and I am either having a serious case of cold feet or Iím making a mistake. I met my fiancť over 5 years ago. We immediately hit it off physically, but he was only 24 years old, and I was 30, so we wanted very different things at that point in our lives. I wanted a relationship, but he only wanted to see me a few times a month. So I went along with what he wanted for a while, but I was totally unhappy. We were on again, off again for the first year and a half (on 6 months, off 3 months, on 6 months, off 3 months). We got back together again after our last break, and he was a completely different person. He introduced me to his family, his friends, spent the holidays with me, took me to his company functions, called me every day, saw me regularlyÖ everything you would expect from a good boyfriend. He finally let me into his life, and we were finally in a REAL relationship! That was over 3 years ago. I moved in with him two years ago, and we got engaged 9 months ago. He is a great guy in many ways, but I donít know if weíre meant to be together. I canít believe I am questioning all of this now, but it seems that the closer we get to the wedding, the more Iím freaking out inside.
For a long time after we got back together, I did a lot of what he enjoyed doing and gave up my own interests and hobbies. I donít blame him for this, it was completely my fault. I didnít even realize what I was doing for a long time. He loves to watch TV and play on his computer. If I didnít have a say, he would watch TV all day on the weekends (literally) and all evening after work, and he has done this many, many times. I would complain about not spending any quality time with him, so he would ask me to watch the games with him. I tried that for a while, but I donít like spending that much time watching TV, and I am just not into sports like he is. I also got very tired of planning our lives around football and basketball schedules. So over the last year or two, Iíve been more assertive about doing things I want to do. Heís also gotten better about not watching as much TV when Iím around, but the TV and his computer are still his primary hobbies (really his only hobbies). So he does try to make small changes like watching less TV when I ask.
I am still not totally satisfied with our relationship, and I never have been. Part of it may be the 6-year age difference. He still has a lot of growing up to do. This is what I tell myself sometimes when his immaturity shows, that I just need to wait for him to mature. We donít have a lot in common, and sometimes I ask him what it will be like when the kids are grown and out of the house. What will we talk about then? We donít currently have children, but plan to start a family right after weíre married. I feel like our relationship is so lacking when it comes to meaningful conversation, and Iíve expressed this to him so many times. His response is usually ďWhat do you want to talk about?Ē Itís always up to me to initiate the meaningful discussions. I want more from a relationship that what we have. More meaning, more depth, but it just isnít there with him. We do have fun together, but itís mostly superficial fun when weíre with others or outside of the house. We enjoy eating out and going to sports events (although those are more for him), but we also try to be frugal with our money so we donít go out often. I would love to go dancing and have told him that many times, but he refuses because he doesnít like it. Last time he said that, I asked him if I was supposed to not dance for the rest of my life because he doesnít like it. He didnít really respond.
I love him, and I know he loves me, but I donít feel that weíre head over heels in love with each other, nor have I ever felt that way. I used to be crazy about him, but Iíve never felt that he was crazy about me or madly in love with me. I think maybe I was crazy about him earlier on because it took so long to actually have a real relationship with him. I know he appreciates me (as I do him), but I feel like we are more comfortable with each other than anything, and I want more. I look at his parentsí relationship, and thatís how I see us ending up. I donít see passion or strong love, just comfortable love and a decent family life. The thing is, I know I can have a pretty satisfying life with him. I know we can have a good and reasonably happy marriage. Do I see us having a fantastic marriage and being passionately in love? No. I know he is totally satisfied with our lives because he has very simple desires. Like I said, if I let him watch TV all the time, he would. He even told me once that maybe I should put a time limit on his TV like his parents did when he was younger. I refused because I donít want to feel like his mother.
The wedding is planned and mostly paid for, invitations are sent and we are in the midst of receiving our RSVPís back. I donít know what to do, but as I said, I am starting to panic inside. I donít know how I can walk away at this point, or even if I want to. I realize that these feelings have been going on for a long time, but I was able to push them aside. They werenít nearly as strong as they are now either. Also, with each new step in our relationship, I find myself feeling content for a while. Moving in, getting engaged, planning the weddingÖ all of this has kept me very busy and has kept me from focusing on my doubts about this relationship. I also focused on his good points and told myself that the passionate love I wish we had doesnít really exist (or if it does, itís rare). I also absolutely love his family, and they love me. My family loves him too, and I know everyone would be very disappointed if we broke up, especially a month before the wedding. I know Iím not supposed to care about what others think, but thatís a whole lot easier said than done. I do care what they think, and what if this is just cold feet after all?
There is something else that is adding to my confusion. From time to time, I run into a male co-worker in the cafeteria or hallway, and we talk, mostly about traveling. About two years ago when I was going on vacation to another country, someone recommended asking this co-worker for travel tips because he had been to the same area many times. At the time, he asked me who I was going with, and I told him I was going with my boyfriend, so he knew I was in a relationship. After that, we would talk for a few minutes here and there about new vacations each of us might be taking. We work in different departments, so sometimes I go weeks without seeing him. About 3 months ago, I saw him in the cafeteria, and he started talking about a new trip he was taking to a place Iíve long wanted to visit, so I asked him a lot of questions about it, and we ended up talking for about 45 minutes that day, our longest conversation ever. It was obvious (to me anyway) that there was an attraction between us. We were talking and laughing, and neither of us wanted the conversation to end. We were both ďreachingĒ for new topics by the end of the conversation.
After that day, I felt guilty, and I avoided the cafeteria. Like I said, itís not like we run into each other often, so it was easy not to see him. I felt guilty because while our conversation was completely appropriate, the feelings I had while talking to him made me want to get to know him better. Since then, we have run into each other more and had some really nice conversations. We talk mostly about travel, and our conversations have never been inappropriate in any way, but I feel a definite attraction to him. I think he feels it for me, but neither of us has vocalized it. When he returned from his trip, he showed me pictures and maps of where he had been. I loved it. The truth is, if I wasnít about to get married, I would love to pursue getting to know him. Last week, I ran into him in the hallway and we chatted for a few minutes, and he asked what I had going on this summer. I told him just my trip (which is my honeymoon but I didnít tell him that). He asked if I had anything else going on this summer, and I said no! I felt totally guilty after that, and thought, if heís heard about me getting married (lots of people in the office have), he probably wondered why I didnít bring it up. I think I didnít bring it up because I enjoy our conversations so much and donít want them to stop. So then I ran into him two days ago, and he asked about my trip. So I asked him if he knew I was getting married, and he said no and seemed surprised. Then he asked if my trip was my honeymoon, and I told him it was. After that, the conversation turned to the location of the trip, and we went our separate ways after a few minutes.
I know itís ridiculous to have a crush on this co-worker, but I do. I have considered the possible reasons. I am not satisfied in my current relationship, and I find the conversations I have with him more stimulating than any Iíve had with my fiancť. The co-worker seems to have a zest for life that my fiancť doesnít have. This is huge for me. My fiancť is very satisfied with a simple life of TV watching, and I am not! But I donít want to be the person who pursues the ďwhat ifĒ only to lose a very good man and a stable relationship. Not to mention the humiliation of canceling my wedding one month before itís supposed to happen. I donít want to hurt my fiancť or our families either. I know that my fiancť would be hurt, but I donít think he would be devastated. Of course, I could be fooling myself, but like I said, I donít believe heís head over heels in love with me.
I know what I would say if I was reading this post or if a friend was in this situation. Itís so easy to judge looking from the outside in, but itís not that easy to make a decision when youíre right in the middle of a situation like this.
The sad but true thing is, that if my co-worker said, donít get married, I am interested in you, I would pursue something with him. Part of me wants to tell him how I feel, and part of me just wants to forget about him. I know if I get married, Iíll wonder, what if. But I know if nothing is said between the co-worker and me, I will get married. I know this is very long, and I havenít even included all the info I could, so thanks to those of you whoíve taken the time to read it. If anyone has ever experienced anything like this, please share. Thanks.
I don't know much what to say but this has reminded me of something very important, I'm only 21 years old and I probably don't have as much life experience as yourself but i've been through a whole ordeal of seeing a therapist and reading a lot on relationships because I find myself unable to handle them most of the time.
The way that you describe your relationship with your fiancee is something I can relate to, I've found this kind of dissatisfaction with most of the relationships i've had, never really been able to find that connection. I dont know what everyone else will say on this board, but from the people that I personally know in long term commited relationships, theyre full of turmoil and stress, but it always seems that as females we're always trying to get married or have the perfect relationship like in all the fairy tales, at one point or another we must realize that these things don't exist and that theyre simply not a part of our reality, so, do I think you should get married? I think you should first think about the reasons that you're getting married, is it because you're in love or you simply want to be married and have kids or as you've stated, he is someone that you're use to?
and about this co-worker, lets for one minute pretend that this co-worker doesnt and never will have interest in you, would you still consider not being married? if you're questioning your marriage because you believe that you might be happier living your single life and that's what you want, so be it, don't get married, it's possible that you'd be much happier, but if the sole purpose of being married is because you're scared of being alone forever, or whatever, that's not a good enough reason to start a marriage and i'm going to tell you not to give into that fear, it's not worth waking up 20yrs from now and realize that you've wasted your life living for someone else without being able to achieve your own dreams and goals. It's okay to be single, and it's okay to being happily single
sometimes I feel like there's so much pressure that we're faced with and it's not fair, you can be happy being single, it should be as simply as "I'm getting married because I feel like it or I dont feel like it"
I'm worried about the remark that you made saying that he was younger and that you'd hope he mature, don't sit around hoping for things to change, this is the now, this is what you're living and you need to be satisfied with it, if you're not move on and be happy.
I feel so compelled to reply to your post but quite honestly, I'm unsure as to what to say. I am married to a decent, loving man (we work together too) who watches TV and plays on the computer all the time. I don't get to do the things that I think that I would like to do, like participate in sports, and travel, because he doesn't care for it. I have felt, and still sometimes feel, as if I have missed out on the best life I could have had.
I'm sorry for the cliche, but the grass is always greener on the other side.
I still wonder what it would have been like had I not married my husband, although we love each other very much and have a good, intimate relationship and a terrific daughter. I know too that I would have missed out on SO much. I shouldn't assume that I would find one "better", more loving, more of all that HE is..but also with that "spark" of newness that I would like and a bit more commonality, that I hear that you want.
I just celebrated thirty years of marriage (I was 19 when we got married, now I am 50) and in my opinion, from my experience, the questions you are asking yourself if you stay and marry your fiance will possibly not go away. Yet you have absolutely NO idea what a crap shoot you're playing by letting him go. It may be the biggest single regret of your life.
Whatever you choose, choose it with all your heart. You will have to live with your
decision and no one else.
It is your decision of course and you will have to live with it, but there's one thing you really shoudl consider. You say that if this coworker asked you not to get married, you wouldn't, but if he doesn't say anything then you will. I have to say that's not very fair or realistic to put your entire future on the shoulders of this poor coworker that you don't even really know that well and who might just be a nice guy being nice to you. How solid could your relationship be if you are looking for an excuse to get out of it like this guy?
I think that if your fiance were really the right guy for you, it wouldn't matter who else was out there. If he's not the right guy, then it shouldn't really matter whether this coworker wants you or not. Because what that woud mean is, you are saying that being with the wrong guy is better than being alone. I don't know if I agree with that. If you want to travel and do things, then you can, whether your fiance wants to or not. Can you be with him and still live your best life? It seems like if you marry this guy, you will definitely have a lot of "what ifs" to deal with. Can you live with those? Only you can know for sure. We can't tell you whether you should go through with the marriage or not, but I think a marriage should be for the right reasons, knowing that you can have a happy, fulfilling, happy life together, he will make a good help mate, a good father to your children, a good life partner, and NOT because the wedding's already been paid for.
All I can say is, think it through completely, and make the right decision for you, not anyone else, not your family, your friends, not even your fiance, what is right for YOU. Only you can know what you need and want, and only you will be unhappy if you don't get it.
Lots of good advice here, but one little comment you made was quite interesting to me. It was that you wouldn't be surprised if the idea of canceling the wedding... wouldn't hurt him too much. Did I get that correctly?
Is there a chance that your fiance could be just going along for the ride, doing the "right" thing, with no deep personal investment into your happiness? Is he looking for a comfy mate who will spend weekends watching tv, while you either cave in, or have another life with other people?
The ideal of marriage is for each partner to commit themselves to their mutual benefit, and on a daily basis. If his first choice of activity does not include you, in fact repels you away, you are going to be a lonely woman...upstaged by a tv and a computer!
This is a major turning point in your life, and if I were you, I would keep my own best interest in first place, and not give your ideals and dreams away.
No one has mentioned anything about your fiance. Your story reminds me of someone in my past life. Never wanted to make decisions , never wanted to talk seriously, never could think of anything to do, nover had any solutions, and those were the worst qualities in a man for me. I love a man who takes charge, gets involved, has ideas, always accomplishing things....also invalueable for fatherhood.
It sounds as if you have done your best tying to open his eyes to some new things, as well as accommodate his football watching. His response to your wishes to travel and experience life have been underwhelming. The wedding will not change any of that.
I cannot say whether you should get married or not, but I am sure you should be 110% sure, before you say I do"
Many, including myself, felt that somehow, someway these pre-marriage doubts will just go away, and everything will works itself out. Although we both tried at first, after 6 years we both sat down and agreed, it was not working. I told her that I had some doubts in the beginning, and she told me that she also had commitment problems.
If only we had listened to our inner voices.......
I've been with my wife for 8 years, and although the initial crazy-love has died down (which, I think, is more infatuation), my world would collapse if she were not in it. She is my best friend. Do you feel that way? It does not sound like it.
Totally disagree. The LAST reason you should go through with a wedding is to avoid "hurting" anyone other than your fiance. Those people will get over it. Would they want you to marry him just because you didn't want to disappoint them by cancelling the wedding? If they do, they are one shallow group.
Remember, this isn't just a wedding...it's a MARRIAGE, which is supposed to mean for life. Forever. Those people get to attend the wedding and then go home. YOU are the one who has to be married to this man for life (or until the two of you divorce, and then you will have to stress about how all those people you didn't want to disappoint will feel about you two divorcing after only a couple of years because he didn't change after the wedding...which he won't).
I went to school with someone who called off her wedding ONE WEEK before...because she knew it would have been a mistake to marry her fiance. Yes, there was lots of confusion and I'm sure some disappointment. But you can't get married by committee, it's you and him, and it should be solely up to the two of you. I promise, everyone else will eventually get over it.
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong
It sounds like you LOVE your fiance, but don't really LIKE him that much. You say you have nothing in common, and not much to talk about. All I can say is that after you get married, you're both going to be the same people you are now, your ring fingers just aren't going to be bare anymore. I'm just saying that while marriage does deepen your love and commitment, it isn't going to whip your fiance into shape or make him suddenly more compatible to you.
So I guess you just need to ask yourself if you can marry him 'as is'. You can't base your decision on a hope that he might "change" later or become more mature. That may or may not happen. Think hard about this, because you're the one that has to live with it.
Last edited by justkeeppraying; 06-05-2010 at 10:30 AM.
hi, I called off my wedding one month prior to the it, because I didn't feel totally happy about it. I was having doubts and for a lot of reasons I felt like getting married was like throwing my life away. I "postponed" the wedding, hoping that as time went by maybe I would feel differently. It was very difficult to do, embarrassing. I knew people would be judgemental and have their opinions but this is your life. you only live it once, and you have to do what is right for you. i have never regretted my decision, in fact, i feel blessed that I listened to my intuition.
I know its hard to do, but sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same. I know its cheesy, listen to your heart.
You made it sound like you did have passion for him until this other guy came around. Even if you were to get married, you will probably have at least one or two crushes and what are you going to do if you do? You need to be mature enough to make the right decision if this happens. (If you think you will have an affair, and can't control yourself, then no, you're not ready to get married).
It sounds like you are more of an extravert and he is an introvert. You don't have to live the rest of your life doing what he wants, the question is, will he let you grow to be the person you want to be? I think that is the most important thing to find out before you decide.
Thank you all SO much for your comments!! Some of you really made an impression on me. Since I posted this 3 days ago, I have been thinking so much. I already feel so differently about one comment I made, and that is ďI know if nothing is said between the co-worker and me, I will get married.Ē I have no intention of talking to the co-worker, and I am seriously considering canceling the wedding. I am working on getting the courage to talk to my fiancť about everything. I hope that Iím right that he wonít be devastated by all of this. Iíve also decided to confide in a close girlfriend of mine. I trust her opinion very much, and I hope sheíll help me see things more clearly. I still worry that if I donít get married, Iíll be letting a very good man go. He really is a good hearted and caring guy. I just donít feel happy and fulfilled like I should. Iíve heard people say that your partner should bring out the best in you, and I donít feel like he brings out the best in me. I just donít want to regret anything, and itís still hard to know what to do.
Iíll admit, at this point in my life, I donít want to be single. Iím ready to settle down and start a family, but I know thatís the wrong reason to get married. I think youíre right about women getting caught up in the whole wedding fairy tale. I think Iím more excited about the wedding than I am about the marriage. And youíre right about not waiting for things to change, but I HAVE been waiting for him to change.
Congratulations on just celebrating 30 years of marriage. That is wonderful! Your comments really made me think, especially your comment about possibly missing out on the best life you could have had. I already feel like I am not living my best life with my fiancť. I am one of those people who expects things to get better after we get married, but why? I donít know why I allowed myself to think that way. I also think you are correct that my doubts will not go away if I go through with the wedding. But as you said, it could be the biggest regret of my life if I end things. I just have no way of knowing. Thank you for sharing your personal experiences.
You asked the question: ďHow solid could your relationship be if you are looking for an excuse to get out of it like this guy?Ē This is EXACTLY what Iím asking myself! I think you are 100% right that it wouldnít matter who else comes along if my fiancť is the right one. Thatís part of why I am questioning my feelings so much! I do think my fiancť would make a very decent and good husband and a wonderful father, but I want more from my relationship with him. Also, I have no intention of approaching my co-worker or putting this kind of burden on him. I know itís just an infatuation. The fact that Iím having the feelings is whatís bothering me.
Yes, you read that right. I donít think he would be devastated. Hurt yes, but not devastated. I think itís very possible that he is comfortable with me and is happy to settle down with me because I basically accept his lifestyle. Wow! What you said about his first choice of activity not including me really stood out. That is so true. I am already lonely in our relationship, but once again, I was thinking that would change after we got married, but why would it? We are very comfortable with each other. Weíve known each other for so long, and getting engaged and married just seemed like the next natural step in our relationship. So yes, I do think part of it for him is about comfort.
Thanks for sharing. I really am trying to listen to my inner voice and do the right thing!
I would miss him, but yes, I can see my life without him. I just hope Iím not convincing myself that ending this is the right thing to do because I have commitment issues or something, but I donít think so.
I canít postpone the wedding. If I still need more time to think about it at this point, Iíll never be ready.
You make a very good point about it being a marriage, not just a wedding. I would be humiliated, but I know people will get over it. I also worry about the humiliation this will cause my fiancť. I donít want him to have to go through that. But I know itís better than a divorce later on.
I think youíre right. I love him but donít like him in ways. I am seeing that more every day, that we (and things) wonít change after we get married.
Thank you for sharing your personal story. You made me feel so much better about what Iím thinking of doing! I have felt so alone in this situation, so Iím so glad I decided to post this and hear what other people had to say.
No, I didnít feel passion for my fiancť long before this co-worker was in the picture. Although weíve worked together for years, my infatuation only started developing about 3 months ago. It just makes me question my feelings even more because I shouldnít be feeling that strong of an infatuation for someone if my relationship with my fiancť was totally fulfilling. I think he would allow me to grow, but I want a husband who wants to grow with me. I want someone who shares my desire to experience life to the fullest, and he doesnít.
What did you decide to do in the end? I am in a very similar situation to you. I am due to be married in 2 months. Invites have not been sent out yet as I have been putting them off. I love my fiance, and he adores me. But it doesn't feel exciting and I can imagine my life without him. I even imagine the process of calling off the wedding and being single again. I'm 31 and feel a bit like getting married is going to trap me. The reason I have doubt is because I am a free spirit who loves travelling and adventures. My fiance is hard working and thinks that money should be saved for the future. We have been on holiday together but to be honest I find it boring. However we have a good day to day life, I just wonder what sort of life I could have with someone else.
Reading your post made me think about my situation. You only live once and you have to enjoy your life as best you can and make the most out of it. I fear of looking back in 30 years time and wondering 'What if' Then again, if I cancel the wedding and end up 45 and still single and childless, I will also wonder what if. This is the biggest decision of our lives and it is awful.
In reading your post, I am not sure what's wrong with your fiance. He loves you and seems to treat you well. Do you fight? Does he abuse you? How is the sex? Can you imagine life without him?
I have been married for 7 years - known my husband for 10. I can't imagine life without him. He also loves computer games, TV, sports and beer. But you know what? I don't work outside the home because he is successful and we don't need my income. We have a son and he is an absolutely wonderful father....plays with our son every chance he gets. My husband is funny and and very smart. I am happy and content. Is there passion? Well, I can't say passion is there all the time once you have children, but I count my blessings that I have a man who loves me and supports me in my decisions.
To me, it seems you want the fairy tale ending and I can't say there ever is one out there. You might get the guy who knocks you off your feet, but he will also have his faults. What are you willing to accept?
The things about your fiance watching TV and playing on the computer is that you always know where he is! He could be out every night at the bars or coming home late from work and not spending any time with you. Sometimes you have to count your blessings. Best of luck.