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Old 06-06-2010, 08:49 AM   #1
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possessive fiance

hello,

I need some serious advice, my heart is really torn.

I've been dating my fiance for 3 years. We dated for 3 months, and then moved in together. He is a very sweet boyfriend but there are some red flags that have been happening throughout our relationship and I am not sure I can put up with it anymore.

I met forrest when I first moved to this town for a job. I didn't know anyone and I was totally flattered by him. We both enjoyed the outdoors, going out, and really were attracted to eachother. Then when we moved in together, we started going out less, and mostly just hung out with eachother. But anytime I tried to do anything outside of our relationship, I felt guilty. It was very tempting to do anything outside of our relationship anyway, because it was a new town, and I didn't know anyone. But simple things like "im going to go to the gym" he would say "so you'd rather do that then hang out with me?" and then I wouldn't go to the gym. Or I would be hanging out with a girlfriend while he was out of town and he would ask me "Do you like her more than you like me?". Or i would want to go to a beer fest downtown with some co-workers and I would invite him and he would tell me he had a headache and didn't want to go. so I would go anyway, and then he would radomly show up 2 hours later, saying that he was "bored" at home without me. So pretty soon it was awkward trying to do anything socially or outside interests besides my fiance.
I have constantly through out the 3 years told him how I feel about this. Every time he says he understands and he will try for a few months, but I still feel awkward about it because I know he is jealous, and he is just holding back how he feels. But what really did it was last week I invited him to go on a bike ride with me, and he said he couldn't go because his tires were low. and so I said I was going to go and I would see him later. On my way out the garage he sacastically yelled "bye" at me. When I asked him why he made that comment to me he said becuase he felt abandoned and unwanted because I was going with out him.
I feel as if I am constantly down playing everything so that he doesn't feel jealous or bad. I used to be a very indendent & social person, now I feel myself holding back because I don't want him to feel bad. And the few times I get brave enough to do something I want to do, or to go to a social event without him, I feel guilty, like I am doing something wrong.
When Forrest and I are together, and its just him & I things are great. I love his company, he is very nice and sweet to me, but I feel like thats all I can have in my life is our relationship. I feel like I have lost part of myself in all of this. I recently moved out after the bike incident because I don't feel like this behavior is right and I am sick of it. As much as I love spending time with me and being with him, I don't know if its worth my life. I miss him terribly, but he won't change this. He tells me that I am just so beautiful and he feels insecure. But why can't he just be so proud to have someone like me, instead of stifling me. I don't understand this.
And he makes no effort to be a part of my family or friends. My friends came to visit from out of town and he pretended him was sick the whole time. And then when we would go out and do something he would blow up my phone. If he is not getting all of my attention he feels unwanted. My grandfather invited him to come meet him on a vacation and he opted to go fishing instead. Hes never met my grandfather.
Its just so frustrating, because I have been so involved in his life and supportive of his friends and family. Why don't I deserve the same thing? He goes fishing and I call and ask how many fish hes caught & even join him after working all day. I went to be in his sisters wedding while he worked and didn't attend the wedding, one week after canceling our wedding, and I went alone. I have done everything for this man. I don't understand.

 
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Old 06-06-2010, 10:26 AM   #2
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Re: possessive fiance

I see the red flags you're seeing too, and I wish you the best as you make the right decision for yourself. I don't see this as a situation that is going to improve. It is up to what you are willing to sacrifice to keep your man happy and feeling secure.

Sue

 
Old 06-06-2010, 10:51 AM   #3
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Re: possessive fiance

Quote:
Originally Posted by braveheart226 View Post
I see the red flags you're seeing too, and I wish you the best as you make the right decision for yourself. I don't see this as a situation that is going to improve. It is up to what you are willing to sacrifice to keep your man happy and feeling secure.

Sue
do you think every man is like this when you get serious?

 
Old 06-06-2010, 11:06 AM   #4
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Re: possessive fiance

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Originally Posted by ems44 View Post
do you think every man is like this when you get serious?
Not at all, why would you even think this? Your bf is sick in the head and that's why he is the way he is. He needs professional help for his massive paranoia and insecurity. You can't do anything to help him, he needs to fix this himself.

Whatever you do, don't marry this guy. If you think things are bad now, just wait until you got married. He sounds like he is on the edge of being unstable.

Don't assume just because this guy is like this that all guys are that way. They are NOT. Why on earth would you assume that all guys are like this? I don't understand? It's only the sick ones in need of therapy who are that way.

 
Old 06-06-2010, 12:11 PM   #5
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Re: possessive fiance

You are smart to recognize that possessiveness for what it is -- a MAJOR red flag. If he's like this now, how will he be after you are married?

It will only get worse. He either needs therapy or you need to break it off. (Just my opinion-- but my husband is the same way and it is impossible to live with.)

Don't voluntarily put yourself into a prison. Not all guys are like this. Most are not.

 
Old 06-06-2010, 12:42 PM   #6
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Re: possessive fiance

Do not allow this relationship stop you from finding someone new. A relationship is give and take and it seems your ex only wanted to take. Your instinct to leave this relationship was right on the mark. Move forward and don't look back. There is someone out there for you. Do not settle for less than you deserve. You have already wasted too much time on a person with insecurity problems. Don't doubt yourself from what you have said this is not your problem. Good luck!!

 
Old 06-06-2010, 12:58 PM   #7
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Re: possessive fiance

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Originally Posted by lucymorton View Post
You are smart to recognize that possessiveness for what it is -- a MAJOR red flag. If he's like this now, how will he be after you are married?

It will only get worse. He either needs therapy or you need to break it off. (Just my opinion-- but my husband is the same way and it is impossible to live with.)

Don't voluntarily put yourself into a prison. Not all guys are like this. Most are not.
thank you ladies for your support. thats what i feel like it is, kind of like being imprisoned. im 24, i've never had a serious live in boyfriend before, and I am second guessing this behavior to normality because i haven't had anything different. i've never had to "share my life" with someone. I just wanted assurance that this wasn't right, versus, whether I am being selfish for wanting my own identity. I could understand his jealousy if I was always wanting to hang out with friends over him, or if we were always with other people and never had alone time, or i did more activities outside of our relationship than i participated in with him, but i don't do any of this.
I am a successful woman. I have a career, i am self-sufficient, i used to be pretty damn independent, i am attractive, and he told me everything about me makes him feel insecure. but i am never going to be a loser, or ugly, or someone i am not for that he can feel great about himself. i shouldn't have to. and all of this is really brain washing when you've fought it for so long. I've started to question whether my thought are legit or not. and thank you for helping me.

 
Old 06-06-2010, 01:05 PM   #8
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Re: posessive fiance

Unfortunately, your boyfriend is very unhealthy mentally. Perhaps he has some kind of social anxiety or something, who knows. But you're allowing his illness to affect you, and you are getting sick, too. You used to be an outgoing, happy girl with friends and a full, well-rounded life and you've given that up to let yourself get sick along with him. That's not right, and it's a good think you've recognized it before it goes any further.

No, of course not all men are like this. There are a lot of men out there who are good, decent, who will be just as good company as this guy is, better, and who will also want to go out and do things with you, will gladly meet your family and get to know them, and be fine with you going to the gym, going biking or having a girls' night out every once in a while.

Your happiness and your mental health is up to you. You can't change, save or fix him, he has chosen to remain sick and not get help and not try to engage and come out of his shell, and up till now you have chosen to be sick and unhappy for him. You can't make him well, but you CAN choose whether or not you continue to stay sick along with him.

 
Old 06-06-2010, 01:12 PM   #9
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Re: possessive fiance

No, I don't think that every man gets like this when you become serious. Definitely not.
It's wonderful that your fiance loves you and wants to spend time with you. It's quite another when he feels angry and dejected whenever you choose someone other than him.

Sue

 
Old 06-06-2010, 01:15 PM   #10
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Re: posessive fiance

Quote:
Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
Unfortunately, your boyfriend is very unhealthy mentally. Perhaps he has some kind of social anxiety or something, who knows. But you're allowing his illness to affect you, and you are getting sick, too. You used to be an outgoing, happy girl with friends and a full, well-rounded life and you've given that up to let yourself get sick along with him. That's not right, and it's a good think you've recognized it before it goes any further.

No, of course not all men are like this. There are a lot of men out there who are good, decent, who will be just as good company as this guy is, better, and who will also want to go out and do things with you, will gladly meet your family and get to know them, and be fine with you going to the gym, going biking or having a girls' night out every once in a while.

Your happiness and your mental health is up to you. You can't change, save or fix him, he has chosen to remain sick and not get help and not try to engage and come out of his shell, and up till now you have chosen to be sick and unhappy for him. You can't make him well, but you CAN choose whether or not you continue to stay sick along with him.
100% dead on. Someone else on this board said that if you see a certain negative behavior pattern in your partner and you change to accomodate that person, then the two of you are at fault, not just him. You are enabling his paranoia and insecurity by going along with his completely unreasonable behavior.

HE won't change, but you can. If you choose to stay in this prison, remember that you and you alone are making that choice. You don't get to blame him for it because you knew about it and chose to stay. But you CAN choose to leave and find a healthy relationship.
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Old 06-06-2010, 01:28 PM   #11
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Re: posessive fiance

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Originally Posted by Redneon82 View Post
100% dead on. Someone else on this board said that if you see a certain negative behavior pattern in your partner and you change to accomodate that person, then the two of you are at fault, not just him. You are enabling his paranoia and insecurity by going along with his completely unreasonable behavior.

HE won't change, but you can. If you choose to stay in this prison, remember that you and you alone are making that choice. You don't get to blame him for it because you knew about it and chose to stay. But you CAN choose to leave and find a healthy relationship.
this is true. i have accomodated to this behaviour, not meaning to, but some how i have condoned this. i tryed to not allow this to take over my life, but i guess it did. i moved out of our place and have been sleeping on a friends couch. i am trying to find myself again. trying to set myself free of this imprisonment that i have allowed. i stayed hoping things would change, by voicing my opinion when i disliked what he was doing, but its hard to constantly everyday fight for yourself. its hard making someone else feel bad, especially when you care about them. i just did this not realizing what i was doing to myself in the process. and you're right now i am sick. now i have to figure out how to be healthy again.

i just can't believe i allowed this to happen.

 
Old 06-06-2010, 05:30 PM   #12
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Re: possessive fiance

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Originally Posted by ems44 View Post
I love his company, he is very nice and sweet to me,....
Sorry to snip your post up, but this is the resounding message. It does not sound like you love him. It sounds like he's been a decent companion--but that's not a life mate.

 
Old 06-06-2010, 07:19 PM   #13
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Re: posessive fiance

Quote:
Originally Posted by ems44 View Post
and you're right now i am sick. now i have to figure out how to be healthy again.

i just can't believe i allowed this to happen.
Don't be too hard on yourself. You've gotten out of the relationship now, or at least out of the same house as him, which is a huge first step. What you need to realize is that you are not the one making him feel bad. Going to the gym, going bike riding, having a girls' night out, these are normal, perfectly healthy, reasonable things. He is the one making HIMSELF feel bad over things that a normal person would not feel bad about. Unless you are being deliberately abusive or deceptive, and it doesn't sound like you are, you are not responsible for someone else's emotions.

It's easy to do. I thought I was so smart and strong, I read Men Who Hate Women And The Women Who Love Them cover to cover three times, took a year of womens' studies in college, thought I would never ever be in a relationship with someone abusive. But I did end up with someone who was verbally, and once physically, abusive. I got addicted to the feeling of "being loved" by someone, having someone to hold, having someone to give my feelings to. It snuck up on me without my even noticing it. I play guitar and used to play gigs and open mic nights all the time, then after a couple of years of him criticizing my playing, laughing at sour notes while I was practicing or constantly correcting me, I stopped playing in front of him. I didn't even realize that soon after, I stopped playing altogether. It took a year after he left me for me to finally get back up on stage and play like I used to before I met him.

I wanted love, or something that resembled it, so badly I was willing to take it to get that rush of being in his arms when everything was good. It can be easy to do. But I made my way back, and you can too. I thought that because I loved him, that gave his opinion of me more weight than the way I saw myself. That what he saw when he looked at me was somehow the "real picture." To be honest, that was years ago and i still struggle with that sometimes. But I learned that it really was as simple as me just picking the wrong guy. I made a mistake and gave my heart to the wrong person. It happens everyday. And the picture that matters the most is the one I see myself when i look in the mirror, and that's the only one I'm going to HAVE to look at for the rest of my life, so I might as well make it a good one. Youv'e got to find a way to be your own best friend. But I'm telling you, once you do, no one will ever be able to take that away from you again. Think of this as an amazing growth opportunity. A chance to really learn something about yourself, to get to know and love yourself, and to grow stronger and more self reliant than you've ever been.

Last edited by Larrylou'smom; 06-06-2010 at 07:21 PM.

 
Old 06-07-2010, 07:27 AM   #14
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Re: posessive fiance

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Originally Posted by Larrylou'smom View Post
Don't be too hard on yourself. You've gotten out of the relationship now, or at least out of the same house as him, which is a huge first step. What you need to realize is that you are not the one making him feel bad. Going to the gym, going bike riding, having a girls' night out, these are normal, perfectly healthy, reasonable things. He is the one making HIMSELF feel bad over things that a normal person would not feel bad about. Unless you are being deliberately abusive or deceptive, and it doesn't sound like you are, you are not responsible for someone else's emotions.

It's easy to do. I thought I was so smart and strong, I read Men Who Hate Women And The Women Who Love Them cover to cover three times, took a year of womens' studies in college, thought I would never ever be in a relationship with someone abusive. But I did end up with someone who was verbally, and once physically, abusive. I got addicted to the feeling of "being loved" by someone, having someone to hold, having someone to give my feelings to. It snuck up on me without my even noticing it. I play guitar and used to play gigs and open mic nights all the time, then after a couple of years of him criticizing my playing, laughing at sour notes while I was practicing or constantly correcting me, I stopped playing in front of him. I didn't even realize that soon after, I stopped playing altogether. It took a year after he left me for me to finally get back up on stage and play like I used to before I met him.

I wanted love, or something that resembled it, so badly I was willing to take it to get that rush of being in his arms when everything was good. It can be easy to do. But I made my way back, and you can too. I thought that because I loved him, that gave his opinion of me more weight than the way I saw myself. That what he saw when he looked at me was somehow the "real picture." To be honest, that was years ago and i still struggle with that sometimes. But I learned that it really was as simple as me just picking the wrong guy. I made a mistake and gave my heart to the wrong person. It happens everyday. And the picture that matters the most is the one I see myself when i look in the mirror, and that's the only one I'm going to HAVE to look at for the rest of my life, so I might as well make it a good one. Youv'e got to find a way to be your own best friend. But I'm telling you, once you do, no one will ever be able to take that away from you again. Think of this as an amazing growth opportunity. A chance to really learn something about yourself, to get to know and love yourself, and to grow stronger and more self reliant than you've ever been.
Its hard to stay in love with someone who is stifling you from life. I hate this person that i've become. and as much as i have resisted it, it has happened. its like i fought with him over nothing, in the end he won. he got what he wanted. for his own security. the whole reason i have stayed in this relationship is because i love him. if i didn't love him, why would I put up with this behaviour? Why am i questioning if I'm doing the right thing if I didn't love him? im over this relationship. its not going to change. he will not change. instead i've changed who i am, and its for the worse not for personal growth or for the better. this is sick

 
Old 06-07-2010, 07:40 AM   #15
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Re: possessive fiance

What I'm saying is, it's not uncommon for many of us to get into relationships that are less than healthy while we're still learning about ourselves. But it doesn't do a lot of good to beat ourselves up over it. Now that you know that it's a mistake to give up who you are for a relationship that is stifling and unhealthy, you'll never do it again. The only truly bad, unforgivable mistake in life is to end up the exact same person you were when you started out. Get out, end it, learn what you can from it, then put it behind you.

 
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