I am only posting this because I need an unbiased opinion. My husband and I have been married for 7 years. For the first year things went well. The second year year was a little bumpy. By the third year, he wasn't working and was constantly on the computer playing games, etc. He has a life long history of depression and anger issues. For the last 4-5 years he has basically sat on his butt playing video games and on line poker. He has had jobs on and off but never keeps them for more than six months. He has had his current PART TIME job for a year and a half now but only works 5-10 hours a week. This has caused a lot of stress on our family. We lost our house, he lost his vehicle. We barely make it on my income. On top of being financially frustrated my children and I have to live with his depression and anger which is unbearable. (He is not physically abusive but I feel he is emotionally abusive)
Every one in my life, my family, friends, even his family has been telling me for some time now that I need to get myself and my children out of the situation. So, I signed a lease on a new place and paid the deposit. This was two weeks ago. My intention was to give him a month to get his self organized and find himself a place to go. His family is out of state and they would not allow him to stay with them at this point due to his laziness, etc. Since I told him we were moving, he has been looking for a job, being super nice, and going to therapy. Let me stress this is not the first time he has gone on a “nice spree”. When things start going bad, he gets better for a while. Not usually for more than a few weeks.
At first, my intention was to divorce him but I ended up telling him I would wait a year so he could prove that he could hold a job and be responsible and finish his therapy. He is begging me not to leave him and I am starting to question myself. What should I do? At this point I feel that if I allowed him to stay he would go back to his old self. Not to mention, my friends and family who have gone out of their way to support my decision would be very upset with me. Please give me some advice.
Keep your place WITHOUT him. Give him the year. IF he doesn't maintain a steady job and his therapy...you alredy know the answer. It's not your job to raise him too. he's an adult who should realise that he has a family to support.
Give him the year...but consider living in separate residences. He needs to get his stuff together. The year will give you both the time to see where you are at emotionally and financially and whether you miss each other and whether he changes. In a year you can decide whether you want to proceed with divorce. That way you'll know for sure you didn't make a mistake- or not give it enough of an effort- if the marriage doesn't survive.
It's not surprising he's been depressed. Men are hardwired to be the provider- he is hurting his own pride and ego by not working full time and leaving you as the provider. The best thing he can do for himself is get back to working a job full time and address his depression and possible gaming addictions.
I agree with the other posters. If it were me (or my daughter), I would say to continue with your plans to live separately. Give him the year if you still have any love for him, but refuse to live with him. He needs to decide if he wants to man up and become a responsible adult. If you continue to live with him, the old patterns will continue to slide in and out. If you leave, he will make a decision - one way or the other - eventually.
I would suggest if you do move out that you don't do overnights with him. Go out on dates if you want, make it like when you were first dating. But do not allow him to stay over. This will only reinforce in his mind that he can get right back to where things were. You need to use tough love - if he doesn't step up and become responsible, you can make the decision as to whether you want to remain in this life or move forward, teaching your children to be responsible and not slackers.
Wow, this post is hitting home. I went through exactly what you are going through .
The main reason I divorced my ex was for the same reasons. Lazy, played video games, depression, unmotivated. I always had to take care of things. I couldn't handle it.
I went back and forth with my decision. Lots and lots of drama and forgiving and trying to make things work and stuff that I won't even post here, but mark my word I have been there where you are right now.
What happened through all of it is that even when I wanted to make things work (we have a daughter together also who was 9 when I left for good), I lost my faith in him. And when you lose your faith in someone, lose your trust that they will hold up their end of the bargain, well it just puts a huge fatal blow on the love and foundation between you. I fell out of love.
The sad part is that I still cared for his well being. I left, just as you are getting ready to do, and although it was the right thing to do, I literally felt and still to this day feel sorry for him. I was his whole world, emotionally and I was the rock to keep him together. It was exhausting
So the end result is I moved on and divoced him. We are still friends for the sake of our daughter. And guess what? He is exactly the same! He still struggles every day. Still plays video games, still depressed, still lazy.
But like my fiance tells me, at least I am not in it with my ex anymore, being pulled down by him.
So I can't really tell what is "right". I only know for me I am gald I got out. But I still have a heart and feel badly for my ex. On the bright side...my daughter flourishes now because there is no money stress and fighting over unpaid bills, repossesions etc that used to make the household a stressful place when I was married. Plus I met an amazing man who is soooo responsible and caring and honest and motivated..and I love him!!
Good luck... and make your decisions based on what your heart is telling you, and what is best for your daughter.
Last edited by River rocks; 06-08-2010 at 10:32 AM.
Hang in there girl! He's being nice because he's scared. But once he gets comfy, he will turn back to his old self. Go ahead and give it the year....without him. He's got to take care of himself before he will be capable of taking care of a family. And I agree also, no sleepovers. There are also the kids to think about. This makes it more confusing and hard on them. My parents did this......and she allways took him back! To this day, I can hardly stand to stay in the same room as my dad, especially when I think about all he TOOK from us, rather then added. But for some reason, my mother could never just let him fall. I wish she had. Maybe he would have turned into somebody I could respect a little more, maybe not, but either way, at least he wouldnt have been allowed to control so many things that to this day, I dont feel he had the right to control.