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Old 06-09-2010, 08:09 AM   #1
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Suspicious spouse

I'm new here and am looking for advice. I think there may be something going on between my husband and one of his co workers. I've been noticing certain things. My first suspicioun was he has been talking about this coworker a lot lately. He knows personal details about her life that really wouldn't come up in your normal everyday co worker's conversation. At his work, they each have a personal camera and phone. On one work outing I noticed that he had taken several photos of one specific girl from his office. There were other co workers photos on the camera as well, but more of this girl. I wasn't sure if it was the girl that he had been talking about until this morning; I just found video of this girl on his work cell phone and it was the same girl as in the photos. I went further to look at his personal cell phone. They have exchanged text messages to each other. My husband NEVER texts, so this is out of the ordinary. It's nothing of a sexual content but I still find this odd behavior for my husband. Two weeks ago he also claimed that they had a work team building event. When he came home he gave me a very detailed description of how things went that day. Almost like he had made up the story to covered his tracks. He tells me that his whole office was there, so I checked his cell phone and he had made a phone call to this girl at the time supposably the whole office was at this event. Why would you call someone that you were at the same event with?
He has cheated on me in the past. I have since forgiven him but never fully trusted him. My job does not allow me to get away so I can not casually drop by his office or check up on his stories. Plus, his line of work calls for him to be away at different hours of the day or evening. He could use any excuse in the book to say he needed to leave and I would be stuck at home watching our 2 children. Of course, I think the worst of the situation. I was always taught if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck... But I also know if I confront him, he will deny everything. I'm just looking for advice of others. If someone has been in my shoes before then I would love to hear your outcome. As for right now I'm keeping my cool and not saying anything. I'll let the evidence keep stacking up until I have proof one way or another.

 
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Old 06-09-2010, 08:17 AM   #2
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Re: Suspicious spouse

Unfortunately the fact that he has cheated on you in the past makes the current signals all the more noteable.

I would agree some things seem suspicious. Not enough to confront him, but definately keep watching and observing things. If you confront him without concrete proof he will deny it and then he will be super careful to cover his tracks.
How have things been at home? Is he as affectionate as always? Has the sex life changed? Is he distant or distracted? What does he do when his cell phone rings? Does he take calls in front of you?
Is he available when you call him at work?
Just some questions to try and put more pieces together...

How long ago did he cheat? Was it at work?

Last edited by River rocks; 06-09-2010 at 08:19 AM.

 
Old 06-09-2010, 09:40 AM   #3
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Re: Suspicious spouse

I think I would wait it out. Nobody can hide it forever. You're right to be suspicious and I think at the very least, he has a crush on this girl. Now that's not such a crime so long as he doesn't act on it. But given his prior offenses, well, like you said, if it walks like a duck, and talks like a duck....... So like I said, wait it out. Either it's just a crush and it will blow over soon enough, or, you will eventually get the proof you need. What to do if that happens, well, that's another story! Good luck!
Melissa

 
Old 06-09-2010, 10:27 AM   #4
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Re: Suspicious spouse

Personally I'd lay it on the line now. I'd tell him that the photos, video, texts and personal conversations lead you to believe he has an inappropriate interest in this woman (expect denial) and that out of respect for your marriage that he stop having contact with this woman except for work related issues. Since he cheated on you before, you aren't out of line to expect this. If he respects your marriage, he'll agree. I know that I personally do not place myself in a position where cheating on my SO would be a possibility. It's my respect for my relationship. He's putting himself on a slippery slope (if he's not slid already) and that needs to stop for the sake of your marriage.

 
Old 06-09-2010, 11:23 AM   #5
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Re: Suspicious spouse

One HUGE sign that someone is cheating is that they just LOOOOVE to talk about the person they are cheating with. I'd guess that if he's not yet cheating...he's certainly thinking about it. Lying about where he was is also a big red flag! But if he was out spending the day with the girl instead of what he said(work team building event), then why was he calling her on the phone?
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*I rest my case!*

 
Old 06-10-2010, 03:43 AM   #6
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Re: Suspicious spouse

Thanks everyone for your comments and advice. He cheated over 10 years ago. That's why I have moved on from that. Up until the past few years we owned a buisness and worked together, so he didn't have a chance to cheat. Now that he works in an office with other women, it's easy for him to be alone with them if he wanted. River Rocks had asked if he acted the same at home, and the answer is no. He's not affectionate toward me and makes very little time to spend alone with me. But we both do work and go to school full time and have 2 small kids that we have to tend to so I do know that's part of it. I've talked to him about this and it seems to go in one ear and out the next. I'm waiting for more evidence to pour in, wait until he get's finished with his master's degree and get's his internship done to become a counselor. Then when he's making $70.00 an hour, if he is cheating, I'll make sure he gets left with only $5.00 an hour for himself.

 
Old 06-10-2010, 05:19 AM   #7
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Re: Suspicious spouse

He's cheating. But you really already know that. If it were me, I'd call the girl. But then, I don't do well with uncertainty and waiting. Also remember that as long as he's sleeping with both of you, you're sleeping with her and everyone she's been with std risk speaking. I had a husband just like that. He would never have told me the truth on his own. I had to rely on the women I found, the first by accident and then the others in looking for it after finding the first. Your story could be mine. Calling work when he should be there, coworkers in detail etc...

 
Old 06-10-2010, 04:01 PM   #8
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Re: Suspicious spouse

If your dont have a enough proof to nail him to the wall then keep to yourself for the time being. I speak from personal and present experience. I made the mistake of bringing it up to my boyfriend and he is sneakier than ever. If a man wants to do something he is going to do it. But if he knows you have any clue.. Hes going to know to hide it and cover his tracks. Your best bet is to continue to keep up your guard and watch out for everything until you find something legit. Thats my advice. It might get to you, but if you were able to forgive him for cheating once, then you should be able to go on with this. He may be doing something with another women, but as long as he thinks hes getting away with it, the more careless he'll get with covering his tracks and sooner or later you will find out. Like I always say, God has a way of making things known to people who deserve it. Trust me, and goodluck =)

 
Old 07-01-2010, 11:22 PM   #9
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Re: Suspicious spouse

Hi, I'm so sorry to read that you are going through this. If you have suspicions, then there is something wrong, even if hes not cheating. I went through something similar about 10 months ago with an ex that I had been together with for almost 6 years. I also had suspicions because he was starting to act weird. Few months before, he had started a new job, and was hanging out with people that I didn't know and had never me. Everything was nice until he started changing, like not calling me as he used to, and not wanting to go out that much. I got suspicious (he also cheated before, so I too had trust issues) so I began to read about ways that I can catch him, or how to gather evidence. so I went snooping, when ever I was in his room, I would search for odd things or #s. and one day, we were supposed to go out, and he canceled, so I decided the next day to tell him that I needed a break and so he freaked out, and "called off" work and ran over. When he was in the bathroom, I looked through his txt message and saw that he had arranged to meet some other girl the same day, and canceled on her. So basically, I gathered my evidence, and caught him red handed, and walked away that same day. But one thing that I will tell you that I never really thought about was whether or not I was ready to know the truth, that day, I really was not ready, and it hurt like hell, took me many months to stop crying, I was so depressed, had anxiety attacks, came undone, you name it, I felt it. But now, I'm much better, and looking back, I'm so thankful that I found what I did, because I would have still been wasting my time with him. What I will tell you is to just make sure to keep your eyes and ears wide open, don't miss a thing, don't overlook a thing. Don't even feel guilty about suspecting him, cuz he's done it before, and has lost the right of getting the benefit of the doubt. Please prepare yourself, if you are not ready to hear the truth, then don't risk it, but I will tell you that that option kills your self-worth and esteem. Being that you are married and have kids, please consider therapy, because even if he's not cheating, you definitely have issues because there is conflict within the foundation of your marriage.

 
Old 07-02-2010, 05:17 AM   #10
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Re: Suspicious spouse

Have you ever heard the saying " you create what you fear"?
I would stop the snooping around and checking his phone.I would not call at work and ask to talk to the woman. That will be like signing your divorce papers right there. I would talk to him about spending more time together. That should be your concern. If he wants to cheat on you, he will do it no matter how short of a leash you keep him. He is a human being, he has friends and some of them might be females. You can not work with your husband for the rest of your life, so he can not cheat on you. If he wants to, he will no matter what you do. There might be another explanation to the weird things going on, you don't know that he is cheating. If it bothers you, talk to him.
That's my 2 cents.

 
Old 07-16-2010, 08:31 AM   #11
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Re: Suspicious spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by fcp View Post
Have you ever heard the saying " you create what you fear"?
I would stop the snooping around and checking his phone.I would not call at work and ask to talk to the woman. That will be like signing your divorce papers right there. I would talk to him about spending more time together. That should be your concern. If he wants to cheat on you, he will do it no matter how short of a leash you keep him. He is a human being, he has friends and some of them might be females. You can not work with your husband for the rest of your life, so he can not cheat on you. If he wants to, he will no matter what you do. There might be another explanation to the weird things going on, you don't know that he is cheating. If it bothers you, talk to him.
That's my 2 cents.
Great advice. Easier said sometimes.. but good words to live by.

 
Old 07-16-2010, 09:15 AM   #12
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Re: Suspicious spouse

Quote:
Originally Posted by Barterbabe30 View Post
I'm waiting for more evidence to pour in, wait until he get's finished with his master's degree and get's his internship done to become a counselor. Then when he's making $70.00 an hour, if he is cheating, I'll make sure he gets left with only $5.00 an hour for himself.

are you sure about that 70 bucks an hour? I hear counselors don't make diddly squat, even with a masters.....they need a PHD to make serious money
I wouldn't wait that long.....

 
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