need help with decision. 6 months ago my wife of 23 years had an internet afffair which i found out through breaking her passwords on emails and popular sites. Very graphic and I thought we were through. I rationalized she was going through a midlife crisis(49), and I knew I was not giving her the adoration she was seeking. She broke it off the day before I found out but the damage was done. I forgave her(easier because no live contact was ever made) and we agreed to try and make our marriage work with a year deadline. We are now happy together and sex is great as is going out. I stopped snooping and she stayed away from talking to strangers. But through this site I was warned that she would not give up her Internet single life, only try and hide it better, which I now see is true. I am trying very hard not to moniter her any more, which is my bad trait, and she is trying very hard to be a wife to me. But lately her long hours on the computer have me suspicious and I started digging. Of her 1000 friends on her website, which used to be public, almost all were long haired men in rock bands which she has some crazed fascination with. If I bring it up to her that I know, an argument and denial will follow, so how do I try and get her to talk to me and not some strangers? I realize she is having fun with this, and hiding from me probably adds to her excitement. If I tell her to stop, she would temporarily but would resent me and start up again elsewhere. Her job is on the computer at home and away, so it is on from 6am till 12am everyday, and each time I walk in on her the page changes from her personal page to her her work page. But she always makes time for me and it is confusing me. So life is good but her single image and bio on Internet irratate me, should I confront her and how?
That's a tough one. On one hand, you feel bad that you went snooping, and on the other, you know why you did it and have confirmed your suspicions. In my opinion....... once you start straying in your marraige, and you have just given up the right to privacy. I think that you as the spouse, has a right to know what's going on. I think I would do more then confront it. She's allready been confronted. I think I would tell her it's the internet or you, and if she chooses you, there better be some addiction therapy going on. And I really think that's more of what it is. Some sort of bizarre addiction. I dont think these men probably mean anything more to her then the checkout person at the gas station does to you. But I think people who get addicted to this sort of thing like the fantasy. They arent normally hones about who they are, what they look like, where they live, how much money they have, etc. They get to be anything and anybody they want to be, and as long as they stay infront of that computer, it becomes more and more of a reality to them. Good luck with this one! It's a shame......and i feel for you. This internet thing, and connecting with others thing just seems to claim more and more marraiges every second of every day.
that is tough. In my experience, once people start looking on the internet, it usually means the relationship is over in their eyes but they don't want to leave until they've lined up a replacement.
I agree with the other poster that once someone cheats, the expectation of privacy disappears. You have a right to check, and if she's really behaving herself she should be fine with it.
If I had cheated on my guy, and he hadn't kicked me to the curb already, I would fully expect him to be suspicious. As it is, I don't cheat and never have cheated on him but I also make a point not to do things that could put me in a position to cheat or put him in a position to be worried about it. If I travel for work I call him every night. I don't go to bars or dancing without him. Stuff like that. She isn't being respectful to your marriage doing what she's doing, even if she's not sleeping around.
I agree with Dee. I just got divorced from someone who did that. We actually had a great relationship (I thought). We worked three nights a week and then one overtime shift. He used his overtime shift to cheat and I was at work so not thinking anything except he's working too. He left his profile up accidentally. By finding his logon name I was able to google and see that he has many, many profiles. They were under an assumed name and an username that has nothing to do with any of his interests, if he hadn't left that up I would never have known, or at least not for quite some time. His profiles said that he is single and looking for flings but open to a long term relationship. I fully believe if he would have found someone else he enjoyed as much or more than me during his "normal life" he would have left me instantly. I think that now, after he's revealed himself to be someone I didn't know. This is after we spent every moment together when we were off, always laughing, always I felt so connected to him, great sex life etc... We'd have a big fight every once in a while but it would never have crossed my mind that he was even capable of this. He fooled theother women too and they've been upset, many have apologized to me even though it was nothing they did. They believed he was single and I have nothing against them. When I told him that he'd hurt me, my son and all these women who thought he was just into them he said "I don't care about their feelings." That was shocking to me. Here's the guy who buys the old lady greeter at walmart water, who worries for patients he sees in his job who don't have what they need etc..
thats sad but I know how it feels. My issue is that she still treats me very well, and puts me before the computer. I can sense her thoughts and her mine after 25 years. And I sense all of what your answers are but am trying to rationalize them. She never goes out, never has any different spending patterns, and life is normal to her except the computer. I believe if I snoop around it will spiral the relationship downward but am very cautious about confronting her with a demand of me or the Internet because I will have to accept whatever answer and be prepared to move on if I have to. I am not there yet, but my choice is to wait out her mid-life crisis as I went through the same thing years ago. A life changing event is what I needed. Next year kids graduate and will be gone and we are planning semi-retirement home in another state, which she is the one bringing it up, so her long-term goals still include me but why do I have doubts?
I think you have doubts because her behavior is inappropriate, even if it is just on the internet.
My personal point of view on "mid-life crises" is that the term is over-used and also that it is used as an "excuse" for poor behavior from people claiming to have one. Many people hit a point in their lives- sometimes more than once- where they feel a need to shake things up. Get a new car, move to a new place, change jobs, whatever. However- this desire to shake things up and have something new and exciting should not outweigh ones responsibility to a marriage.
I think you should discuss your concerns with her. If she is indeed at a point in her life where she needs something new, something different, then I think you should offer her some ideas that are acceptable to you but seek some reassurance from her (concrete, not just lip service) that she's not seeking someone else. If she's advertising herself as single now on the web, I think that's a huge red flag and you should tell her that this is not acceptable if she values your marriage. You don't have to tell her she can't spend time on the internet, but you should tell her that any internet behavior that includes looking at singles ads (or placing one) or advertising herself as single on social networking sites etc is not okay.