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Old 06-09-2010, 02:29 PM   #1
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Should I be mad? What would you do....

Hi,

I've been with my boyfriend for three years. We became "exclusive" to each other about three weeks into our relationship. We had the talk about not seeing anyone else, and we became intimate. To me it was the storybook romance, we fell in love quickly and have always been passionate. Other than some small annoyances our relationship has been great. We are engaged and considering buying a home together.

I was on the computer we share and while creating a new folder for my music I saw a folder he had created titled "personal". Well, silly me....curiosity got the best of me and I snooped.

I found some old emails to his old flame he dated just before me. He had written the emails one year into our relationship. They were not technically romantic, but not once did he mention me. Here are some things he wrote:

"So are you seeing anyone?"
"Sorry I missed you last time, would love to see you if you come out this way." (she lives in Florida).
"Here is a picture of me on my vacation to Yellow Stone recently." (he attached a nice picture of himself...and he did not mention that WE, he and I took that vacation together to visit MY parents.

So, I read her email back to him (he kept all of this in the folder). Her emails back to him were platonic and non specific. In her last email to him (that I know of) she even mentioned she was engaged. It was ONLY THEN that he wrote back, and told her about me, and how happy he is and we are together.

So, he didn't mention he was in a relationship at all until she told him she was engaged.

Now I know this happened two years ago but Im just now finding out. Should I be mad? Should I say anything?

 
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Old 06-09-2010, 07:02 PM   #2
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Re: Should I be mad? What would you do....

What do you think the outcome would be if you did bring it up? Can you accept that outcome? You could get blamed for snooping and the tables turned on you. If this is the only issue and all else is great why disrupt the waters since it was so long ago. good luck with your decision though.

 
Old 06-09-2010, 08:17 PM   #3
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Re: Should I be mad? What would you do....

Hmmmmm.......I think it would bother me. And I think I would have to say something. But I think I would go about it in as non offending of a way as possible. Instead of going in yelling, or crying and frantic, I think I would say you found this, and would like to know what happened, are there feelings still, etc. Stay calm, and keep that line of communication open. If he get's angry or accuses you of snooping or anything like that, I would really second guess moving in with him. First of all, your looking at buying a house together and sharing your lives together. So to me, that makes your life an open book. I dont mean it's ok to steal their phone, hide in the bushes, and spy spy spy. But I think that if you should come accross something on a "SHARED" computer that is suspicious or a little off setting, you have the right to CALMLY inquire as to why it's there and exactly how it came about. I do feel from what you said that you probably have nothing to worry about. It is a past situation. But I would just have to talk about it......but that's just me. Good luck!

 
Old 06-09-2010, 09:24 PM   #4
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Re: Should I be mad? What would you do....

Wow- that could be me that wrote that post. Nearly exactly the same thing happened to me with my fiance. We had been together, exclusively, for 6 months and were living together. I found that he had been emailing an old flame, and the same thing- he never mentioned me. He would mention things WE had done together, but only would talk about what he did and my name never came up. He made it clear he wanted to get back with her (all while telling me he loved me) but SHE made it clear that she had moved on and wasn't interested.

I found this out a year after it happened.

Like you, I was very upset. Unlike you, I had no qualms ripping him a new one over it. I felt very betrayed and angry.

We are still together- have been now for 9-1/2 years- but I still have trust issues with him because of this. I'm not as mad that he wanted another woman as that he didn't have the decency to break up with me and pursue her, but instead kept me as his "backup" in case she turned him down. I live with the fact that I was not his first choice.

Things have changed and I now don't doubt his fidelity. We're getting married this year, and I'm certain he's not cheating or looking to cheat. But it's an individual thing- you have to decide what you're going to do about it. This will probably always affect your trust in him. Although to be honest- if he really wanted his personal stuff to remain personal, he should have filed it under "football videos" or something...labeling it "personal" makes it seem like he almost wanted to be caught. Maybe he feels guilty and wanted to clear the air?

 
Old 06-09-2010, 09:33 PM   #5
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Re: Should I be mad? What would you do....

If you are going to marry him, I think you shouldn't be afraid of bringing up anything that you want to know. It's not like he's a casual acquaintance who you don't want to offend. If you plan to have a long term relationship, you need to put all your emotions out there and be honest with what concerns you.

 
Old 06-10-2010, 05:35 AM   #6
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Re: Should I be mad? What would you do....

My personal opinion is when someone does something like that it is a character issue. Someone who does these things doesn't change in my opinion. And, again, my personal opinion, privacy is something you mostly give up when you live together. If you're both on the computer, none of it isn't your business. I wouldn't crack my husbands journal, look at his phone, whatever unless there was infidelity and in that case everything would have to be open. But your own relationship may be different. When my husband moved in prior to our marriage I told him everything was an open book. I didn't care what he saw of mine and didn't want him to feel something was off limits in our home. I know different couples might deal with this differently.

 
Old 06-10-2010, 09:02 AM   #7
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Re: Should I be mad? What would you do....

Quote:
Originally Posted by cz16w0 View Post
What do you think the outcome would be if you did bring it up? Can you accept that outcome? You could get blamed for snooping and the tables turned on you. If this is the only issue and all else is great why disrupt the waters since it was so long ago. good luck with your decision though.
If I bring it up, I think he would say it didn't mean anything. I think he would down play it, and say it was just email without intentions of getting with her.I kind of doubt that though because he left me out of it. As a man, if you were thrilled and happy about your current girlfriend, wouldn't you mention that to a friend. And by not mentioning me, doesn't that imply he was trying to leave the door open?

 
Old 06-10-2010, 09:09 AM   #8
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Re: Should I be mad? What would you do....

Quote:
Originally Posted by EagleRiverDee View Post
Wow- that could be me that wrote that post. Nearly exactly the same thing happened to me with my fiance. We had been together, exclusively, for 6 months and were living together. I found that he had been emailing an old flame, and the same thing- he never mentioned me. He would mention things WE had done together, but only would talk about what he did and my name never came up. He made it clear he wanted to get back with her (all while telling me he loved me) but SHE made it clear that she had moved on and wasn't interested.

I found this out a year after it happened.

Like you, I was very upset. Unlike you, I had no qualms ripping him a new one over it. I felt very betrayed and angry.

We are still together- have been now for 9-1/2 years- but I still have trust issues with him because of this. I'm not as mad that he wanted another woman as that he didn't have the decency to break up with me and pursue her, but instead kept me as his "backup" in case she turned him down. I live with the fact that I was not his first choice.

Things have changed and I now don't doubt his fidelity. We're getting married this year, and I'm certain he's not cheating or looking to cheat. But it's an individual thing- you have to decide what you're going to do about it. This will probably always affect your trust in him. Although to be honest- if he really wanted his personal stuff to remain personal, he should have filed it under "football videos" or something...labeling it "personal" makes it seem like he almost wanted to be caught. Maybe he feels guilty and wanted to clear the air?
Wow...that sounds strikingly familiar!
The only thing is that I am not really SURE he was trying to get back with her, but it certainly FEELS icky, as if he was baiting her at least.
Since two years have past I feel like it is in the past. I do not know if he emails her anymore maybe from work or anything or ever talks to her. I kind of doubt it since she said she was engaged, he probably let that go back then.
But yeah, it does bother me that it was one year into our committed relationship he wrote to her. I think I will mention it calmly. I need to clear the air before we move on.
I agree also that maybe he wanted me to see the folder. I mean, titling it "Personal" almost begs to be opened. We have good communication so if I bring it up I think we can move past it.
Thank you for your reply. It sucks that you went through it too, but I'm glad you can relate and let me know you were able to move forward.

 
Old 06-10-2010, 09:12 AM   #9
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Re: Should I be mad? What would you do....

Quote:
Originally Posted by justmel30 View Post
Hmmmmm.......I think it would bother me. And I think I would have to say something. But I think I would go about it in as non offending of a way as possible. Instead of going in yelling, or crying and frantic, I think I would say you found this, and would like to know what happened, are there feelings still, etc. Stay calm, and keep that line of communication open. If he get's angry or accuses you of snooping or anything like that, I would really second guess moving in with him. First of all, your looking at buying a house together and sharing your lives together. So to me, that makes your life an open book. I dont mean it's ok to steal their phone, hide in the bushes, and spy spy spy. But I think that if you should come accross something on a "SHARED" computer that is suspicious or a little off setting, you have the right to CALMLY inquire as to why it's there and exactly how it came about. I do feel from what you said that you probably have nothing to worry about. It is a past situation. But I would just have to talk about it......but that's just me. Good luck!

I think you are right , If I talk to him I won't go in offensively. I'll be calm, and I'll go in assuming that it was in the past and doesnt effect us today.
Maybe he was going through a time when he was uncertain he wanted to really be serious with me, and was testing the waters elsewhere. I dont know.
But like with EagleRiverDee I do sort of feel like second place...What if She wasnt engaged, what if she had replyed back saying yes, she would like to see him..would I have been cheated on?? I wonder.

Last edited by 1 non blonde; 06-10-2010 at 09:13 AM.

 
Old 06-10-2010, 09:18 AM   #10
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Re: Should I be mad? What would you do....

I would mention it. Calmly, don't go in all crazy. Since you are planning on taking the steps towards marriage etc, you should be able to to discuss issues that concern you. I think someone said it earlier.. he reactions will say a lot. Hopefully he will say he was curious but that is over, and he is glad to have you, glad he never reconnected with her. But you won't know until you ask, and other wise it might eat you up, the not knowing.
Good luck!

 
Old 06-10-2010, 07:57 PM   #11
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Re: Should I be mad? What would you do....

Quote:
Originally Posted by 1 non blonde View Post
I think you are right , If I talk to him I won't go in offensively. I'll be calm, and I'll go in assuming that it was in the past and doesnt effect us today.
Maybe he was going through a time when he was uncertain he wanted to really be serious with me, and was testing the waters elsewhere. I dont know.
But like with EagleRiverDee I do sort of feel like second place...What if She wasnt engaged, what if she had replyed back saying yes, she would like to see him..would I have been cheated on?? I wonder.


I understand EXACTLY how you feel. However....be careful you dont let that feeling go too far for too long. Ever hear the expression, thank god for unanswered prayers? Well, It could very well be a scenario where he was interested, but today, values much more what he has, and if given the choice today, would choose you. Anyway, you dont know until you ask. Good luck!

 
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