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Old 06-10-2010, 01:21 AM   #1
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I got married too young. Long post but I really need help.

When I was 13 I met the boy who would become my husband. We met online and I lied about my age for almost 2 years saying I was 16 when we met, at the time he was 17. For the following 3 years we remained friends and in 2002 he joined the Marines and told me he would be moving to the East Coast near my hometown so we decided to meet in person. In 2004 we got married, I was 17 and he was 21. In 2006 he was discharged from the military and we moved out West near his family. We both started college that year but only a year and a half later I discovered I was pregnant. When our son was born I became a stay at home mom because I didn't earn enough money to justify a day care or nanny. This year my husband will graduate with a double major in Biology and Chemistry and (hopefully) will go to medical school next Fall.

To sum up I am 23 years old I've been married for 6 years. I gave up my education, my plans, my family, my freedom, and my youth for my husband. He works a lot, he has a full time job and goes to school full time as well as volunteering positions several days a week. I get to spend approximately 2 days a month with him when he isn't studying or working or volunteering. I have few friends here because I am a stay at home mom to a 2 year old and my friends and family live on the other side of the country. As a stay at home mom I have few opportunities to make friends so I've gone to the old standby, the internet. I am very, very unhappy with my life. I am going back to school part time in the Fall and will hopefully be able to finish my degree in 3 more years.

I'm not sure if I love my husband.I know that I don't hate him and he can still be very sweet and loving but he is so stressed out and never at home. I know I love my son but sometimes I really hate being a mom especially a mom who has to do almost everything on her own. Sometimes I really want to just go somewhere very far away but I wouldn't want to take my son from his father and his family. I miss the man I married, the man I'm with now is not the same person at all. I got married very young I feel I have missed my youth, I'm resentful and lonely but whenever I tell these things to my husband he accuses me of being ungrateful for all his hard work and says that I just want to go out and party. In truth, I just want a little piece of a life of my own that doesn't revolve completely around someone else.

I guess I want to know what you think of my situation and what you might do if you were me.

 
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Old 06-10-2010, 06:52 AM   #2
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Re: I got married too young. Long post but I really need help.

I'm very sorry you are so lonely and depressed. I would suggest that 1) you find some mothers' support groups on the Internet and avoid the websites that might lead you to find someone you might begin to build a fantasy life with. <DELETED> is one of those; the <DELETED> is another. There are others like them where women meet, discuss things (light and serious) and just enjoy communicating.

Then I would suggest that you look for groups in your area that consist of young mothers like you. You could build a network of friends as well as playmates for your child. <DELETED> When it comes to finding a mothers' group in your community, a lot depends on where you live. In some cities, facilitators organize groups and advertise them in local newspapers or parenting publications. In other places you'll have to actively seek out a group. In addition to checking with your local hospital, you can try childcare cooperatives, universities, libraries, churches, synagogues, or other religious or community organizations. You would be amazed at how much better you will feel if you make some friends and find playdates for your child.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 06-10-2010 at 08:03 AM. Reason: Please read and follow the Posting policy of this board. Thanks..

 
Old 06-10-2010, 11:33 AM   #3
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Re: I got married too young. Long post but I really need help.

There are tons of day programs for moms with kids through local libraries and park districts. I suggest you check them out. Whenever I go to the library and see all of the activities for kids during the day in the summers, I get really jelous and wish I had a kid to bring to those fun things to do!

 
Old 06-10-2010, 06:36 PM   #4
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Re: I got married too young. Long post but I really need help.

I got married and had children young, and I remember being about your age and feeling about how you feel. Then one day it hit me, he is working so hard for me. He is doing all of this because he loves me. My children were a gift, and they need me. And exactly what would I do if I did leave? Find somebody new? Start a new family? It hit me pretty fast that this is life, and I can sit here and feel sorry for myself, or I can throw myself into it and enjoy every minute! What your going through isn't that you dont love your husband, or your child, or your home, or any of the above. You are bored! Your right on one hand......you need to find something to do. For me, it was school. I went back and found a little purpose that centered more around me, and I LOVED it! I think it will be good for you, and mentally challenging. Play with your baby! He loves you! Clean your house, and take care of your husband. He is working so hard to provide for you. Find something to do with your little one during the day that's fun! I just enrolled my kids in swimming lessons through the red cross.....10 bucks is all it costs. There are still lots of affoardable forms of entertainment out there if money is a strain. Build a fort with pillows, go to the library, go to the zoo.....but stop sitting around. That's whats making you miserable, not your marital status. That's just life, no matter how old you are, marraige and kids gets very repetetive at times. You gotta spice it up....nobody will do it for you. Good luck!

 
Old 06-11-2010, 08:18 AM   #5
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Re: I got married too young. Long post but I really need help.

Sometimes, the grass is greener on the other side. So you want to have the youth that you missed out on? Life as a young, single woman--going to school, making new friends, having total freedom. I think that's reasonable, and totally understandable--but you may have built up in your mind an image of that life that is not realistic. It's not always easy being a young, single person--money is always tight or nonexistent, relationships are hard, living situations can be unstable.

There are many other women your age who would trade shoes with you in a heartbeat--a child, a hard-working husband, financial stability.

I'm not telling you to stop whining, because I totally get where you're coming from. But, life does not always go according to a perfect plan. You make do with the hand you're dealt, and you look forward, not backward.

 
Old 06-11-2010, 12:47 PM   #6
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Re: I got married too young. Long post but I really need help.

Pleasae don't take this wrong. I certain don't mean to hur tour feelings....

You are miserable, sure. But you married your hubby and you two had a baby. That's life. YOur hubby is working hard to provide for you-be thankful he didn't just start running around on you when you had the little one. YOu have got to be the grown up and just suck it up!

The problem is your hubby is trying to provide but doesn't understand your loneliness and boredom. What I would suggest doing is telling your hubby that you and HIS SON need to see him on a regular basis. Set up time during the week that he needs to be home. AND schedule a date night with him...so you can rekindle the love you felt for the man you married. It may take suom juggling, but it can be done. If he can find time to volunteer, he can find time to be home with you and your baby.

Now, find a church group that has a mother's group. Join a library where there are always things to do with your little one. Take him for swimming lessons, or find a baby and me class. You can do it, you just need to decide if you want to, or if you just want to wallow at home. It's your choice..

You said you are going back to school. That's great! You deserve to, but in the mean time make the best of what you have. My hubby was an AF Officer who left me in NC for a year with a 4 year old and a 14 month old. He went to Korea and I stayed there with the boys. It was hard and miserable and alot of work. But I knew it would end so I made do with the situation.
that's your choice to make. Sit home or find things to occupy yourself. Take a craft class if you want. But don't sit and wait. YOu can get through this...


 
Old 03-14-2011, 10:35 AM   #7
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Re: I got married too young. Long post but I really need help.

Well, in my opinion, I feel your husband...as hard working as he is, is being a little unfair. So, it sounds like he's getting to pursue his dreams and passions, but you're not? Sorry, that's not how it works...at least, that's not how it would work for me.

Now granted, I'm 26, have no children...and while I'm in a loving relationship at the moment...I don't have plans for marriage for quite a while. I just got out of grad school a couple years ago and am way too focused on my career. And, I'm also a male...so realize that I have a completely different perspective of life...which forms the context of my advice.

But you've said you've explained your feelings to your husband, and he calls you ungrateful? Ok, first off, to me that shows a lack of communication and understanding on his part. He needs to realize that he made this choice, just like you did to get married and have a child. (Although, I guess from your post...the child was unexpected...but still, he knew the consequences of making love to you, especially if it was unprotected sex.)

So because of that, he needs to be more of a Husband and Father. Now, I one day would love to be a Husband and Father and have a family. But God knows I'm nowhere near ready for that now. Like I said, I'm way too focused on my career. But when the day comes that I'm ready to committ to having a wife, and a child...you better believe I will full-heartedly sacrifice anything I need to, to be the best Husand and Father that I can be for the woman I love, and the child I need to raise.

So your husband made that choice at a younger age...and he has to own up to that. Yes, it's great that he's pursuing a career, and working hard. But really, that's only half of it. The other half, and most important half...in my opinion...is being there for your wife and child. And if he's not able to do that second half affectively, then he needs to rethink his commitments. Because right now...his BIGGEST COMMITMENT should be his wife and son. PERIOD.
That's life.

And there is absolutely no reason that you should feel so alone, especially at such an important phase in your life. I agree with the other posters that you should find something nearby to fullfill you...whether that be an organization of other young mothers, or maybe taking a writing/acting class or something. But, I think that's secondary to the Primary issue that needs to be addressed.

And that's this. You need to have an important discussion with your husband and explain to him that it's not right for you to be a "stay at home mom" while he gets to pursue his dreams and passions. You're happy for him of course, but...he needs to be there for you too. And you both have to figure out how to make this work. Because you can't wait idely by as he lives his life.

If he shuts you down, and tells you that you're ungrateful. You need to stand up to him, and tell him that he needs to give you something to be grateful for (outside of him just working/med school)...which is being THERE, in person for you and your child. And if he doesn't like that. Tough. That's the choice he made. And maybe he needs to put his plans on hold for a little while until you both can figure out how to make this work.
I can guarantee you that if the tables were turned, and he was the "stay at home" dad while you were working full-time, pursuing higher-level education, and volunteering...for him, that would get real old, real fast. Sure, you'd feel fulfilled in life, but he'd feel empty. Both because he's not getting to pursue his dreams of med-school...and he would barely have you there for emotional support while he raised the child. Yeah, that wouldn't fly for too long. So please, do not feel that because you are the woman, that that should be your role. Because that's just not how it is. And your husband has to realize that.

Because right now, it's not working. I'm sorry. You're too young to be feeling like this. And you need more emotional support.

And if he's not willing to listen...and says pursuing his dreams is his hard work for you and his child...then you need to tell him that that's not enough. And if he says you're ungrateful...then I really think you need to emphasize the fact that you have dreams too. And if he's not willing to sacrifice a little more, then...and this part is a little hard for me to say...but then maybe he's not the man for you.

HOWEVER, I don't condone you leaving him until you've had some honest, heartfelt, constructive communication with him. He's at a time in his life where he's really trying to make something out of himself, and that's to be respected. Let him know that you understand that. But he's forgetting his most important role. Being a Husband and a Father. And what it means to be a Husband and a Father. You need to remind him. And he might not like it. But like I said, that's life...and that was his choice to become a Husband and Father. He needs to own up to it...and to recognize what that means.

Last edited by Sterling221; 03-14-2011 at 01:40 PM.

 
Old 03-14-2011, 11:14 AM   #8
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Re: I got married too young. Long post but I really need help.

I also had this feeling that your husband was being a little unfair to you and a bit selfish. It is not enough to provide material things... Can't he see that you are lonely and unhappy?

On the other hand, I endorse what the other posters are saying. In part, it's also up to you to change this situation and find something to do in order to get over the boredom. I think it is a great idea for you to go back to school. That will certainly make a difference for you. And as your son grows older and more independent, you'll be able to make a little more time for yourself.

I hope your husband would understand this and would also encourage you to follow an independent path. You are also a human being. Ok you have your duties, like everyone else, but you also have your private dreams and projects, and you should not throw them away.

Try to talk to him again with a different approach. Show him that your pursuing your dreams won't make you less of a wife or a mother and his giving more time to family life won't make him less of a winner.

 
Old 03-14-2011, 11:31 AM   #9
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Re: I got married too young. Long post but I really need help.

The grass is always greener. If you feel that this situation is tto bad than consider your options. Your husband may be a little selfish for working so much and doing what he wants career wise, but overall doesnt sound like he treats you badly. He might have the more tradional mindset of bringing hom the bacon and having you take care of the home and child. None the less you need to decide what you really want to do with your life.

Last edited by waywardson; 03-14-2011 at 11:42 AM.

 
Old 03-14-2011, 01:21 PM   #10
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Re: I got married too young. Long post but I really need help.

I suggest that the first thing you do is to find out what you can do in the community. Your husband may support you since you have supported him. You can start with a school in the community by checking with a school counselor about a program for what you want to do. Or find a job agent to help you to land a job. Once you start to build up your own life, you will find out about yourself and whether you and your husband are compatible or not. You don't need to rush to leave him but it will be hard work if you go to school/work with a son and etc.
I think it is more clever to start small and then if you see that you guys are not compatible, then you will go there.

Take care,
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Old 03-16-2011, 11:46 PM   #11
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Re: I got married too young. Long post but I really need help.

So, firstly I want to thank all of you for your thoughts and advice. It's good to know there are people out there who would take the time out of their day to try to help a stranger.

It's been almost a year since I wrote that post and I did attempt to take some of the advice I read here. As a result, a few things have changed for the better. Unfortunately, I'm still not rolling in friends or playdates for my son. I am painfully shy, I've been hurt many times in my life and making friends has never been easy for me, which explains why I married a man I met on the internet and at such a young age.
Since that post last June I started school again, I took two classes in the Fall semester and did quite well. This allowed me to feel I was working towards a goal, but also added more stress to my already stressful life. This semester I am taking two classes again and doing well.
I started going to the gym in an attempt to raise my rock bottom self-esteem. I've lost my last ten pounds of baby weight and I haven't looked this good since I got married, I'm pretty proud of myself.
Also, I confessed to members of my husband's family how lonely and bored I was and they started inviting me to parties and to hang out with them more often. I find it odd that I am consistently reminded that I am pretty, or funny, or fun to be with and yet I always I tell myself they must be taking pity on me and don't really want to be with me at all.
Six months ago I started seeing a Psychologist to attempt to gain some confidence and get out to meet new people, so far it hasn't helped. As much as I want to have friends and meet new people I just can't bring myself to start a conversation with a stranger, it can take dozens of interactions for me to trust enough to have a comfortable one-on-one conversation.
Next week I am starting a class with other young moms so that my son can get some social interaction with kids his age. However, the thought of having to talk to these women scares the bejesus out of me. I know that it's irrational and ridiculous, but the fact remains that I will freeze up and completely blank as soon as someone starts talking to me. Then I will try to end the conversation as quickly, painlessly, and politely as possible. It's no wonder I have no friends.

I have focused so much on making friends to replace the relationship I had with my husband because I refuse to ask him to give up on his dream. The fact remains that I really do appreciate that he works hard and wants to contribute a comfortable living to our family. I am not ungrateful, however I firmly believe that I could do the same or better given the chance. It will be more difficult for me than it has been for him with the added responsibility of a child, but I wholeheartedly believe I am more than capable. In another 18 months my child will begin school and I will have more time for my education. As far as making friends goes I find that the more I put myself out there the more confident I get, it's painfully slow and I was thinking of possibly taking anti-anxiety medication to help with that.

So, to sum I have resigned myself to a friendly marriage where I am no longer attracted to or in love with my husband. I love my husband, he will always be my first love and my best friend, but I will likely never again feel for him what I once did. I will have to use that energy on improving myself, after all we have this beautiful child to raise together and he deserves to have his parents. My husband is a very loving and concerned father who only wants to provide a better life for his child and in the future he will be around more, I hope. Medical school will be a break for him as he will no longer have to work full time or volunteer. He will be home a little more often and maybe we can rekindle our relationship at that time, who knows.

I want to thank all of you again for your kindness and concern. If anyone has more advice it is always appreciated.

 
Old 03-17-2011, 01:10 PM   #12
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Re: I got married too young. Long post but I really need help.

I want to praise you for taking classes and making the effort to go out there to meet friends and etc...
However I would like to point out that it is a myth that after many years of marriage, the romance remains the same like the very beginning. I would not call that fading love like you seem to imply in your case, I would say sometimes love changes and grows in different ways. It is not young love anymore as time goes on. This does not mean you don't love him or I don't love my husband. Life changes and relationship sometimes also changes and we all need to get adapted to it. If you changed, I am sure your husband has changed too. Maybe he can also ask the question that he could do better with other girl in this marriage. I mean this comparison is sometimes not fair.
Sure if you grow out of the younger you and change into a very different person, then you may say oh my gosh I don't love him anymore....
I suggest that you try to see a marriage counselor yourself or with him to find out more about the love or friendship between you two.

Also lots of times the wives support the husband for medical school or law school and "sacrifice". In the end, some guys also abandon the wives and go for other girl in their new career. I am not saying he will do that, but one thing that is important is that you continue to build youself up so both of you are growing together and in the end you may see that your love for him is still there.

Good luck,
Nina

 
Old 03-17-2011, 07:55 PM   #13
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Re: I got married too young. Long post but I really need help.

You are doing a lot of good things, making a lot of excellent decisions.

I only see one negative in your latest story because I'm not sure I believe it.
Relationships ebb and flow. You got married so very young that you had already gone through many marriage phases before others were even hardly dating. So to accept being married in a friendship marriage may not be the case at all.

Can I suggest you decide instead that during your marriage you will experience every possible phase of a relationship more than once. And right now that phase is friendship. But leave yourself open to the fact that you could be in an ebb stage that could suddenly begin to flow again. Since you are moving forward, leave yourself open to the possibility of having a strong marriage that might surprise you.

Who knows. This window of friendship may end up making the next phase better than it ever would have been without this time.

Good luck. And start believing the nice things people are telling you about yourself. Honestly, people don't just dole out compliments just to fill air. They are seeing things real and letting you know. Try to learn to accept their kindness as truth.

 
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