This has been an on going issue for quite some time, but since I started going to therapy a few months back due to my heavy co-dependency issues, it started to become apparent that my mother had a lot to do with my self esteem problems.
Here's a little background: My mother was physically abusive to my brother and I, she is clinically depressed and had an obssesive compulsion with cleaning, which is the reason that she abused us. When I was about 7, we went through the whole ordeal of being removed from her care for a few months until she regained custody and since than any physical abuse stopped but not necessarily everything.
I started going to therapy because I was having a lot of problems with the way I am/was keeping relationships and I also found out that I developed PTSD at some point.
my mom, she is not very educated and she has a job that basically pays nothing, she can't really support herself all too well and I'm the one that helps her and helps her pay rent too. The problem is that i feel stuck, I'm in school and with my student loans and the job I have now I could very well move out on my own, but I have her to think about, my brother has been long gone for a while and he doesn't really help at all.
I attempted to leave once but she gave me the speech that we should stay together and try to better our relationship, but the truth is that I dont want to better our relationship, yes, there are things I could do, but I dont want to, she has messed up my life enough and although I know that I love her because she is my mother but I really don't like her.
For example: I have been feeling very low over other things I have been going though and talking on this board about, yesterday I made some lunch and didn't wash the dishes right away and went and was in my room as soon as she got home I could hear her screams and yells and she rushed into my room to say that I was dirty and useless and that how dare i leave dishes in the sink and that i should be ashamed, and somehow it escalated to her saying that I was empty and who could want me when I gave nothing. Now, I dont know, but for someone who is co-dependent and has major self esteem issues I dont think that's a good thing to say, I dont want to stay with her anymore, but if I say or leave I feel like a bad daughter and I feel guilty for not staying. The problem is that if I leave she will have to find other living arrangements and I know how terrible and guilty I will feel about all of it.
Maybe this is another unhealthy relationship that i'm holding onto.