This has been an on going issue for quite some time, but since I started going to therapy a few months back due to my heavy co-dependency issues, it started to become apparent that my mother had a lot to do with my self esteem problems.
Here's a little background: My mother was physically abusive to my brother and I, she is clinically depressed and had an obssesive compulsion with cleaning, which is the reason that she abused us. When I was about 7, we went through the whole ordeal of being removed from her care for a few months until she regained custody and since than any physical abuse stopped but not necessarily everything.
I started going to therapy because I was having a lot of problems with the way I am/was keeping relationships and I also found out that I developed PTSD at some point.
my mom, she is not very educated and she has a job that basically pays nothing, she can't really support herself all too well and I'm the one that helps her and helps her pay rent too. The problem is that i feel stuck, I'm in school and with my student loans and the job I have now I could very well move out on my own, but I have her to think about, my brother has been long gone for a while and he doesn't really help at all.
I attempted to leave once but she gave me the speech that we should stay together and try to better our relationship, but the truth is that I dont want to better our relationship, yes, there are things I could do, but I dont want to, she has messed up my life enough and although I know that I love her because she is my mother but I really don't like her.
For example: I have been feeling very low over other things I have been going though and talking on this board about, yesterday I made some lunch and didn't wash the dishes right away and went and was in my room as soon as she got home I could hear her screams and yells and she rushed into my room to say that I was dirty and useless and that how dare i leave dishes in the sink and that i should be ashamed, and somehow it escalated to her saying that I was empty and who could want me when I gave nothing. Now, I dont know, but for someone who is co-dependent and has major self esteem issues I dont think that's a good thing to say, I dont want to stay with her anymore, but if I say or leave I feel like a bad daughter and I feel guilty for not staying. The problem is that if I leave she will have to find other living arrangements and I know how terrible and guilty I will feel about all of it.
Maybe this is another unhealthy relationship that i'm holding onto.
This is definitely an unhealthy relationship that you are holding on to. And unfortunately this woman is going to be your mother for the rest of your life so she will always be tied to you, but you don't have to live with her.
She has too many of her own problems to be sensitive to yours and the last thing you need is someone telling you such awful stuff. That is just plain simple abuse and you shouldn't be there.
Please try to get your strength together and leave. No one deserves to be talked to like that. Once you leave, you will start to feel better, which will in turn probably make you stronger for her and you can help her better. But you have to take care of yourself first.
Here's the thing. It will never get any easier to leave and establish your own life. As a matter of fact, it will get harder. Go now. Take whatever years you can have because at some point as your Mom ages you will be drawn back into actually having to take care of her. Your brother has shown it can be done. Mine did the same thing, left without looking back. Instead of seeing it was possible, I saw it as obligating me to stay.
It won't be easy. But she's an adult and needs to make her own way. If you are ready to do that, why would you feel the guilt of expecting your Mom to be able to do the same?
Find an apartment you like, find out what it will cost to move there, make sure your finances are in order and you have some savings, apply for it and make sure you're accepted, and then move out!
You're at the right age to do it! Just remind yourself that it will be hard for a few months, but then you will be glad you did it!
When your mother next says something abusive, please stand up for yourself.
You are not being a bad daughter. You have a right to your own life.
Repeat: you are not being a bad daughter. She wants you to believe this because she's afraid to be alone. But you only have one life to live and deserve to live your life. You deserve to have the life you want! You're not being a bad daughter by wanting to move out on your own. That is normal and healthy.