One thing that's helped me tremendously with my co-dependence is to first of all, accept my feelings and second of all, realize that I do NOT have to act on them. I may think "oh my god, I haven't heard from him in two days, he didn't answer my last two texts, I wonder if he's mad at me or if he's with someone else, I'm going nuts wondering!!!!!!"...But, I've learned to NOT pick up the phone when I feel like that, and to just let go and what happens, happens. You cannot control anyone else's actions or feelings, but you certainly can control yours. If you feel those irrational, ugly old thoughts and fears coming on, tell yourself it's just a feeling, but you do NOT have to act on it. You just have to remember that acting on those feelings is going to make things worse, not better. Hope this helps.
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"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong
Thank you for your responce, it definitely eases my mind.
The scenario that you described plays out in my mind all the time, every night. I'm usually okay during the day, but when I get home and start to watch TV, I become extremely obssesive about my cellphone, checking it over and over for any sign of him and it just gets to be too much.
Usually the types of thoughts that I get are that he is tired of me and he's with someone else now and that I will never see or hear from him again. I start to panic and I start texting him and text more and more until I end up crying convinced that everythig is just wrong. I'm really just driving him away with all of this. what has been your experience with this? have you tried anything like Coda groups? I'm so depressed right now, he keeps assuring me that all he needs is space right now and that everything is okay, that I dont need to worry. I'm just so afraid right now.
I've read "Codependent No more" and other books related to the subject and I'd really like to get intouch with more women like me.
I tend towards co-dependence. I've learned that baby steps help. Like, if my fiancé wants to go out for a week long trip with the boys, I might encourage him to do a few day trips first. I also make a point to find things to do with my time when he's gone, and enjoy it, so that I have good memories to associate with it. If I sit home having a panic attack the entire time, then I will dread the next time he does it. When my BF started playing volleyball every Monday night, I resisted the urge to ask to go (it was co-ed) and instead joined a gym and started going regularly instead. He needs his "Me Time", and so do I. And finally, I have my limits. My fiancé knows, for example, that I absolutely am not ok with strip clubs or him going out with another woman (as friends or business) alone. In return for me trying to lighten up on the other stuff, he concedes to these two issues for me.
Would you act that way in front of someone else? In front of a friend, for example? I mean, if you were with a friend, would you obsessively check your phone and send your BF 1,432 texts and start crying? Because if you'd be too embarrassed to do all of that in front of a friend, I'd recommend you start either having a friend over at night, or go visiting. Because, as you realize, your BF will eventually get really tired of your obsessive routine and you will cause the one thing you are afraid of...him leaving you. Because no one can tolerate that kind of thing. Try having a friend over or visit friends and soon enough, you'll go so long without acting like that, that you'll forget about it.
And no, I have not had any therapy for this. I just realized how much it was damaging me and I decided to stop. I may still have those obsessive thoughts, but I stopped acting on them. I stopped jumping when the guy I'm seeing calls, I stopped pretending I want to do everything he wants to even if I don't like it because, well, I don't like it! I spend time with friends and if he calls and I'm busy, I tell him so. For example, he called a few weeks back and wanted to come over, but I was already sleeping plus my son was with me, so I told him "no". A year ago, I would have moved heaven and earth to accomodate him, but not now. And guess what??? He didn't leave me! Go figure!! LOL
It can be done, you just need to decide to stop, then figure out what works for you to get you to stop.
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"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't." - Erica Jong
There is a GREAT book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. You will LOVE it. I am sure you can get it at your local Library, but I bet you will love to own it. I think we are all a bit codependent but there are degrees. Doing for others what they should or could be doing for themselves is enabling them to continue with some unhealthy relationships and our codependency causes us to enable people.
My mom was SO loving but very codependent. She lived and breathed for my sweet daddy. She knew no other way. Don't get me wrong, I had GREAT parents but I learned by what I saw growing up. It took me a long time to realize that I "did" things to be loved. And we do those things for approval. We do way too much for others and we give ourselves way too little. We learn that we can have a really loving relationship with give and take and a nice balance. I am older now so I have done my codependency work.
Letting others take care of themselves is GOOD for them. Besides we don't want to "parent" our partners. We want to be their equal.
Again, get that book. I really do understand what you are talking about. You can heal from this and be really happy. We stop operating in our relationships with motives and we do things that are healthy and nice when it is appropriate to do so, not because we are trying to GET someone to like or love us.
Madison
Madison, I actually have a copy of "codependent no more", I read it a few months back but perhaps I will re-read or find other books by her. I think on the way home I will stop by the book store and look for a good book to dive into.
