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Old 06-14-2010, 10:32 AM   #1
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Question Just another post

I have posted so many times on here. I am still at my wits end with my husband. He is depressed...I am depressed. We are both hopeless. I don't really believe that he still loves me. he isn't willing to meet me half way on issues that concern our relationship, or our kids. He very rarely shows effection, which I need desperatley! We use to do everything together, now we do nothing. He use to touch me, now not so much. He use to want to have sex....now it seems like its a chore. He does not have ED, once we get started, he is fine...but I am the one always iniciating it. Deep in my heart I feel like he is cheating on me. But he says he is not that type. I agree, he isn't...but should I believe he is not capable? UGH! Help!

 
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Old 06-14-2010, 10:41 AM   #2
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Re: Just another post

I's sorry you are going through this.

From your previous posts you mentioned your husband is narcissitic. In one other you mentioned some pretty good indicators he is cheating. I am remembering the post about the long blonde hairs on his chin?

You deserve affection, and to be loved in a relationship. He sound very selfish and unconcerned about you. The only thing I can think of to help is marriage counseling. If he refuses to go, you only have two options...live with this for the reat of your marrige or divorce. I hope for your sake and his you two get counseling..soon.

 
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Old 06-14-2010, 10:42 AM   #3
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Re: Just another post

Based on just the post in this particular thread, I think your main concern here should be the fact that he isn't willing to try and meet you half way on any of your issues with the relationship. Realationships take two to work and if one isn't willing there's not really a lot the other can do.

Having looked at the other posts you have made, it appears the problems you are having run much deeper.

You basically have 2 choices. Either accept this is how it is because you can't change him and he isn't willing to make the effort, or leave.

Last edited by Ely4; 06-14-2010 at 10:47 AM. Reason: reply based on more info.

 
Old 06-14-2010, 11:02 AM   #4
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Re: Just another post

You either need to accept it, or leave. You cant change him. As far as the physical part, like I told you before, throw yourself into your kids. I think it's a little selfish being concerned about your physical needs when there is sooooooooooo much emotionally at stake for them right now. You are at a cross road and it can only go one of two ways. Changing him isn't one of them. So, you can either accept it, and be the best person you can be for yourself and your kids, or leave, and be the best person you can be for yourself and your kids.

 
Old 06-14-2010, 03:51 PM   #5
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Re: Just another post

Well...everything I do is with and for my kids. EVERYTHING. I have just for several years felt as though I am no longer important to anyone, I am taken advantage of disrespected, and pretty much used. The one person I thought I could count on, is just not there any more phsyically or mentally. I'm not one bit selfish, and if you knew me at all you would know that I am the kind of person that would smile if you slapped me in the face and tell you I was sorry you were having a bad day. Your right...counceling is a must. So in the meantime should I just ignore him all together, or be as nice as I can, or? Trying hard to smile. Thank you

 
Old 06-14-2010, 08:43 PM   #6
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Re: Just another post

I didn't mean to say that I think you personally are selfish. And I'm sorry it came accross that way. i just think your missing a big part of the equation and putting too much energy into one area when you could be saving it for another. The point is, you are important to your kids. They need you, every minute of every day. Counseling would be good I think, but I hope you do it for the right reasons. I hope you do it for your own benefit. To change yourself and your perspective rather then a way to try and change your husband. Aside from that, nobody here can save you. We can all give you advise, but only you can decide if your willing take it. Good luck to you.
Melissa

 
Old 06-14-2010, 09:20 PM   #7
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Re: Just another post

Mel, thank you for your post. I understand what you are trying to say, and I appreciate it. I guess I'm just trying to make sure that I'm not being silly, or it's not all in my head. I really just want to be loved by my husband and your right, I cannot change him. So very scared of what I might need to do. I don't want to leave for the kids sake, and because I could never give them the kind of life that he has. If not for them, I would not be here. I want only whats best for them, but I fear I am losing myself in the process. I don't even know what makes me happy anymore. I guess that shouldn't even matter right now. But it's hard to be a happy mom, when mom isn't at all happy. Faking every smile. I want to be validated. I want to know other women wouldn't put up with this behavior. Is it just me? Maybe I'm the one with the issues.

 
Old 06-15-2010, 02:18 AM   #8
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Re: Just another post

No, it's not you. I wouldn't be able to live like that either. Intimacy (I don't mean just sex) and affection are important in a marriage and it seems like your husband checked out of your relationship a long time ago.

Your kids obviously know things are not right, and trying to fake it won't work. You say you don't want to leave because you can't give them the kind of life he does, but have you not considered that they might actually be better off if you left? They're also being affected by this. Your husband would have to help support them anyway.

 
Old 06-15-2010, 06:32 AM   #9
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Re: Just another post

I do not think it's you at all! And I understand what you are saying. There are plenty of women who would not put up with it at all, and there are plenty of women who would. There is also a whole other category here......the women who learn to validate themselves. If you are really that concerned about providing for your children, and with this economy I completely understand, your other option is to find validation elsewhere. At some point, you are going to HAVE to find another avenue. Maybe become a volunteer, maybe go to college, join a church, join a book club......OR ALL OF THE ABOVE! The lions club is ALLWAYS looking for help! You could start sitting in on the meetings for your city or township.......then run for a positions. I watched my mom go through this, and she never did have the ability to walk away. And this is how she became validated again. One day she just woke up with a new attitude, and that was that. And really and truely, it happened just like that. She woke up, called me (I was married and gone by this point), and said she was sick of it, and that she'd had enough! Within days, she found herself a part of the lions club, a few weeks later, the historical society, then the township board. Then she ran for a board position and one. Now she's working on a county position. She also volunteers and helps the elderly in our area.(I say our because I moved back to be by her) It has been wonderful to watch her do so much for herself. My dad really tried to hinder her at first, especially after his stroke. She takes care of him, but she grabbed an attitude and wont let it go that WILL make herself a priority from now on.

Reguardless of what you do, I think you standing on the edge of a great new beginning. Just be brave, and keep faith. Good luck.
Melissa

 
Old 06-15-2010, 07:58 AM   #10
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Re: Just another post

I think that if you're so determined to stay in this miserable situation, you're going to have to do something else with your life. Start living your life for yourself and not for him or you as a couple. There have already been numerous excellent ideas posted in this thread that you could do to get yourself out of the house and away from him. It would be in your best interest to start looking for those opportunities and getting after them. Instead of just sitting there lamenting about it, go out and do something else with your time that doesn't involve him. And if you're home with him just ignore him because he doesn't care one way or another. Leave him at home and go live your life.

 
Old 06-15-2010, 11:53 AM   #11
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Re: Just another post

Thank you so much everyone for your time. You don't know how much I appreciate it. All your advice has shed new light on some things that I think I need to do. I will give it a try, starting a new life...maybe leaving the kids with their dad, to spend time getting to know him, while I go out and find myself. I need to start with making friends...I have zero. I live in an extremely small town in the country. So, maybe I will take on the road, and have a mini vacation. Does that sound selfish?

 
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